An open thread for personal stuff. As always with these threads, no MRAs, trolls, jerkfaces, etc.
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Open Thread for Personal Stuff: April 2016 Dogs Enjoying Couch Edition
We Hunted The MammothBucking the Backlash
@Petal – I, too, am a dust magnet. Luckily nobody in my house has any allergies so I’m free to ignore it as long as I like. I do eventually get around to it, but I’d say it’s only every other month-ish.
Does anyone know of good resources in dealing with the trauma around sexual harassment? I had an incident about six years ago at an AA meeting that still affects me. I just don’t know where to turn for ideas on working through it.
I am a devotee of the Quentin Crisp axiom of housekeeping: “After the first two years, the dust doesn’t get any thicker”
PoM
Yes.
EJ on the memeday thread, yes!!!! That is exactly how one should see taxes, how decent good people see them, and it’s why countries/the world deserve fair tax regimes so that the ultra-rich can’t leech off the infrastructure/educated workforce/healthy workforce/laura norder/social stability they enjoy and profit from but don’t want to pay back.
This might sound obvious, but safety seals on food are no joke. I’ve spent almost the entire last week recovering from a gnarly bout of food poisoning – from a carton of soup with a twist-off spout, which was missing the safety seal. I’ve had slightly-off food give me some indigestion and nausea before, but this was on a whole other level. A full day laid out on the couch with a ~102F fever, barely able to do anything but make hourly trips to the washroom, and then a good 4-5 days for my body to fully recover from that ordeal.
I tend to be pretty lackadaisical with, well, most things, but I’ve definitely learned my lesson that “Eh, it’s probably okay?” is not a suitable philosophy for potentially spoiled shelved foods.
@GeekySciFiGirl
I’m afraid I don’t know, having been fortunate enough not to endure sexual assault, but know that you have my support.
To get something unrelated off my chest: I’m so tired of older folk using their age as some sort of trump card if we debate about something. “I’ve lived longer than you so I know more.” It happens so much. Just because I’m young doesn’t mean I’m wrong! How do I deal with this? So far all I do is tell myself that they’re only saying it because they’ve run out of actual argument. There’s nothing I can really combat it with though without an entirely new conflict starting, a more personal one as well. 😐
@eli
Not sure what I said, but I’m glad it was helpful. 😀
Ok, first thing first: ALL TEH HUGZ for everyone struggling with depressions/mental illness or have loved one going through serious illnesses.
As for myself, there’s too much going on for me to handle but somehow I’m pulling myself together.
– My daughter’s father is suing for visitation. He actually sees our child regularly, but he wants to force a 50 – 50 schedule on me so he doesn’t have to pay child support. Bottom line: asshole. So far I’ve avoided being notified twice -not on purpose, but still- which buys me some time while I think how I’ll handle this.
– I, on turn, are suing because he’s not actually following our court agreement regarding child support. It’s annoying and frustrating but I have good chances of getting at least some of the money- yay.
– My grandparent’s house, where I’ve been living for the past 2 years, has been sold. I’m racing against time to find a new home. It’s likely I’ll team up with a girl I met recently who also needs to find a house soon. That actually gives me a chance of actually living on my own instead of going back to my parents (where my former room was turned into my father’s office).
– I got eye surgery! 100% covered by my employer-provided health insurance, so yay registered worker privilege! Goodbye myopia and astigmatism! The operation itself was painless and very very short (no longer than 15 minutes, and the laser part is less than 1 minute), the first few days were very very painful, but I made it through and it’s awesome! I still have to wear sunglasses at all times for a few more weeks.
– I resumed my studies! After 10 years I got back to the university, this time I enterd the University of Mothers of Plaza de Mayo so I’m very excited and thrilled and also very proud. I’m hoping to get a degree in journalism and be able to leave my current job, which has great benefits and a decent salary but no future and is dead-boring.
So I’m just dealing with life one day at a time while trying very hard not to lose it. So far it’s been more or less like this:
http://33.media.tumblr.com/73ef71e83be6e6cf304c2ddcc22304b8/tumblr_inline_nyk4sbsPVB1sm1i1x_500.gif
@GeekySciFiGirl
I just wanted to acknowledge that I read your comment, even though I can’t actually help on this topic. :/ Hope someone else has info that will help you.
I also want to echo the well-wishes to everyone dealing with jerk-brains! You deserve care and you deserve to feel good and I hope that happens soonest!
I am excited because I’m on the verge of having a closet in my master bedroom again! It’s been weeks because I have to depend on husbeast to do the heavy lifting* and he only has part of the weekend and after work hours free to do this. We only need a few more parts and then it’s fill-the-new-closet party time!!
*But I put together the shelf and drawer units all by myself *preens*
@GeekySciFiGirl – I too would like to acknowledge your post, although I do not have any experience in that area. I would think that at the very least you might be able to call your state/county/city’s domestic violence agency to find a referral to a counselor? Sexual assault is a form of violence, and in any case I’d think they would know what sorts of resources are available.
I’m sorry I can’t be of more help.
I had washed some raw wool at the beginning of this month at a friend’s place and left it there to dry (she was/is fine with this and the fact that I still haven’t picked it up – oops).
Makes for an interesting situation when you call your friend out of the blue and ask her if you can use her bathroom to wash some wool and her response is to laugh and be all “Yeah, that’s a good one”. I of course denied I was joking, she told me she wasn’t falling for it this time either – and it took around ten minutes of confusion before I realized it was the April Fools’ Day and she realized that I really was on my way to her place with 2 kg of dirty wool.
I think the fact that she let me in pretty much proves that she is one of the best people in the world.
Then today, she sent me a text message starting with “EMERGENCY”. I of course dropped everything and opened the message.
…Only to find out that the blackbird couple living somewhere near her yard seems to have rotten luck in finding materials to build a nest from and she is taking pity on them.
This pity manifests itself in her intending to levy a tax on my wool and to donate the spoils to the blackbirds. How the hell do you negotiate an acceptable tax rate when the currency is wool???
My dad, who’s been retired for about a year and a half, has been hovering over my mom and I for the past few weeks-constantly needing to be in the same room as us, trying to hear all our conversations and asking us what we said if he can’t, asking if we’re OK seemingly every two seconds, offering unsolicited advice (and usually doing it in the most condescending way possible), etc.
Mom and I think this would be a lot better if he got a part-time job, but I’m waiting to hear back about my own job interview I had at a local library branch a few weeks ago (my interviewer, the library manager, has an incredibly busy schedule and has promised to get back to me but doesn’t yet know when she can) and he refuses to even look for work until he knows whether I have the job and what my schedule would be.
We’re extremely frustrated, but due to his hot temper (which I inherited-/sarcastic yay) and our desire not to hurt his feelings/make him mad and start an argument, all we can do is leave the room to vent about him, and lately that seems to be happening every other night. Does anyone here have any suggestions on how we can tell him we need more space without making him mad?
Verily Baroque – I think if the birds get all the wool they can use, it still won’t amount to very much. From the birds’ POV, “tax” wise, it’ll be like the government giving a human family all of the insulation for their new house for free!
How cool would it be if that were a real thing for human-house insulation?
@GeekySciFiGirl
<3
I am not an expert but I can give you some ideas of things you could try?
First, most cities have an abuse help hotline. Usually in the front of the yellow pages among the emergency services. Don't worry too much if you don't find one that's exactly what you are looking for – the person on the other end of the phone generally has a big list of other numbers that may be of more help, and they actually do want to help you.
Another thing you might try? Planned Parenthood. They provide all sorts of services, and even if they don’t do what you need there they will almost certainly know someone that does. If you want to go somewhere instead of just talking on a phone, that’s a good first port-of-call.
If you have a personal doctor, and can see them (and trust them)? Doctors also often have that sort of information at their fingertips.
I know that making a phone call like that can be hugely stressful. It’s hard to pick up the phone and dial – it’s easier to pick up the phone and stare at the keys, and agonize over what you’re going to say. It’s easier still to glare at the phone from across the room, or twist on the bed at night. It’s a tough thing to do, but there’s no other way. Just try to remember – the person on the other end of the phone isn’t judging you. Often they’ve been in similar circumstances, and that’s why they’re motivated to help.
We all have “up” and “down” states that vary from person to person, usually based on serotonin and melatonin levels amongst other things. You will know yours by the “productive” time of your day – when you’re most able to get out there and do things. I’d suggest that you schedule your phone call for that time of day. And try to avoid conflict during that day! The adrenaline spike can activate the “fight or flight” reaction, which will make it much harder to go through with it.
And of course, I’m pretty sure we will all try to be as supportive as we can here. I hope that you can put that part of your life to peace, so that it stops bothering you <3.
@Hambeast
I agree that whatever the end amount will be, it won’t be too much to spare, since 2kg of wool is a lot.
We are currently approaching “one handful” and are now starting to negotiate the quality. I would prefer it to be of the lumpier wool (I messed up while washing it) while she wants the higher quality wool which will be easier for the birds to pick it into smaller tresses.
I honestly would have already asked her to leave several handfuls of wool at the yard if I didn’t enjoy discussing this with my friend so much. 🙂
I want to echo the hugs/good thoughts/best wishes for people here.
I also want to thank the others here for the things they have said in this thread, now if only I can convince my brain that those things apply to me as well (despite myself telling others these things – a case of inability to take my own advice).
I am another struggling with depression (well, depressive phase of bipolar) and life at the moment, so can appreciate how it feels. My biggest is still a struggle to lay down the foundations for moving forward; I can gather the tools, materials, and motivation however I just can’t seem to get started on things (and the more I force myself to get started the more frustrated I get when it doesn’t happen).
Thankfully I am having a good mood moment so am getting a few things done (such as learning Android app development), but it would be nice if I could get started on some things that would actually bring me an income 🙁
As a finisher: Thanks also for being an awesome community that has taught me so much!
@sunnysombrera
It’s possible that they are out of argument, or are simply convinced enough of their right-ness that they don’t feel it’s worth it to engage further, and are using their age as an appeal to authority. Either way, it’s not really a valid way to prove a point.
It’s tough to say without knowing more about the context of the argument, but one way to try to get around this is by asking questions that can expose flaws in their thinking. Even if it’s just asking “Hey, maybe I don’t understand this, could you break it down for me?” or something similar – it can help switch them over into a frame of mind to where they’re thinking about it, rather than relying on their preconception. It also puts you in a better position to interject and ask more questions if something doesn’t make sense. (There’s also the chance that they’re just the sort of person who doesn’t admit being wrong about anything ever, in which case there’s pretty much nothing to be done at all, sadly.)
A friend of my older son was having domestic abuse issues at home, and called my son to ask for help. I was able to get him information about a local women’s crisis drop in center, where she could get a referral. The fact that, in crisis, she reached out to him tells me something about the kind of friend he is.
This, despite the disabling schizophrenia and depressive symptoms.
My day is not going so well. My wife had a panic attack on the way to work and we needed to return home. She has BPD and a couple of related things and it’s often challenging figure out what is going on. I hope to do some writing tonight.
@Viscaria
I’m sorry to hear that you are having trouble with depression. Have you been diagnosed? I’m still trying to recover from what you are describing, anhedonia. When I got hit with it, it was like someone snipped a bunch of connections that I had with things that I used to enjoy. I used to be an avid video gamer, not any more. Fortunately you can build new attachments, and the old ones get cut off less easily if it’s more important things that life requires (I’m starting to think that’s how it works, brain wants you to get serious because life has problems).
ADHD is not something that gets cured, but some things can improve symptoms relative to the population at large. It’s more a matter of understanding how your perception, attention and memory is shaped relative to other people. The meds can help, but there are some things that just have to be accommodated. I also had complications with the adderall, in my case it turned up the Tourette’s Syndrome. It’s possible that the anxiety will fade because amphetamines basically make a portion of your nervous system easier to stimulate and some of it can be gotten used to as your body sets new baselines. But you may also do better on other drugs. There are two main divisions in ADHD drugs: Adderall is in the class that improves attention related symptions, the other class has to do with cognitive symptoms (working memory issues). I go to a support group to talk shop on the fixes that people come up with, maybe there is one in your area? These things are benefits when you know how your mind works and you organize your life and activity the right way (particularly in high pressure jobs). It is challenging though, and I’m still working on it too.
It’s possible that it’s not ADHD. There are three things in the AD(H)D cluster (hyperactive, inattentive and combined types) and a fourth phenomena that they are thinking of adding to the group (“sluggish cognitive tempo”). But other things can also affect attention, perception and memory so it’s still a good idea to stay open minded, for example an inattentive subtype is treatable by ambian because it’s a depression related inattentiveness.
Lazy is a common label placed on people with ADHD.
@GeekySciFiGirl
I’m seconding Scildfreja. It sounds like you are experiencing symptoms related to an experience and there will be resources near your location somewhere. If google can’t easily show results a place like PP will likely know who will know. I would also suggest talking to someone from an organization like RAINN. What you experienced is a social factor that makes what they deal with more common and they will take you seriously.
@Nikki
My dad couldn’t handle retirement at first because he didn’t know what to do with himself. He went back to work part-time and in the meantime found some hobbies to pick up. Maybe all your dad needs is a hobby or a group to join that meets regularly.
@GeekySciFiGirl
I don’t have personal experience with any of these resources. But this is what I see that might help you. I did an Internet search for sexual harassment group and found this:
http://sexual-harassment.supportgroups.com/
http://www.feminist.org/911/harass_ln.html
https://rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/sexual-harassment
National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE(4673)
It sounds as though your harassment was strictly verbal. But I think that these resources would deal with verbal harassment. I called domestic violence hotlines and got a lot of help–but my boyfriend didn’t hit me. That doesn’t mean he didn’t abuse me! With the help of those hotlines, I left him.
All best wishes!
@sunnysombrera
This makes me mad too. It always has and it still does–although at my age, people don’t pull that stuff. It’s a power trip and it’s meant to shut you up. Just because a person’s had more years of experience doesn’t mean that they understand their own experience very well.
You have to do what’s right for you. You might want to say that to older people who are being jerks.
@ sunnysombrera
You could maybe try this?
Ask them whether they are saying that they should be deferred to just because they are older, or whether they are claiming they have more experience?
If the former then you can point out that they haven’t provided a substantive argument. If the latter ask how their experience is more relevant than yours. If you’re discussing say, ageism in the workplace, then they do have a point. But if it’s something more general then query why age gives them an advantage.
If the subject is one where you both have equal access to the same information, and can both equally assess it, then you can point out that their age makes no difference.
If their argument is along the lines of “well I’ve seen this scenario so many times in the past, so I think I know what will actually happen” then again you may have to defer.
But the key thing is to separate out age per se versus experience, and then check whether they really do have any more real experience than you.
@Brony, thanks for chiming in, and I hope that your wife is recovering. Panic attacks are utterly terrible. I was having a bout of them last week; this week seems better.
Talk to me about Ambian, if you can! How does it change your thinking? I often feel horribly unmotivated and inattentive, easily distracted. All in pretty much the way you describe. Do you have any experiences with it?
@Scildfreja
I wish I could talk to you about ambian. My ADHD is not likely of that type, but I have never tried it. If you want I can look up the primary literature on how ambian may relate to ADHD. what makes you think it might help you? If you have any follow up questions after this comment feel free to ask them.
I was diagnosed as a kid, thought I got rid of it as I went from constantly failing to always being on the honor roll, and it resurfaced as a problem in graduate school. The depression likely set in during graduate school (about seven years ago) as I started having problems related to the ADHD and not beign able to reorganize my life around it. I take 20mg of adderall twice a day, and it does help because I’m really miserable without it. But I want to take something for cognitive symptoms, like maybe guanfacine since I don’t think that will complicate the TS.
If I had to place money on it I think that my ADHD is related to the fact that I have centuries of military people on both sides of my family tree.
When I was a young woman, so many older men told me I was just progressive because I was young. I’d grow out of it. Blah, blah, blah. Shows what they know. I’ve only gotten more progressive and more sure of that progressivism the older and more knowledgeable I get.
Age and experience are often worth a lot. Plenty of the advice older people give younger people is valuable and correct. But nobody should ever presume to know someone’s mind better than they do.