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Trouble in paradise? Odious racist pickup guru Heartiste is growing concerned about Donald Trump, his hero and the Great Orange White Hope of the internet’s Nazis, of both the ironic and non-ironic varieties.
Even though Trump has been boasting about his allegedly yuuuge penis, and picking on “little Marco” (Rubio) like a grade-school bully, Heartiste frets that Trump’s opportunistic flip-flops on immigration and his half-assed disavowal of former KKK Super Grand Whatchamacallit David Duke are making him look a little bit, gulp, BETA.
If Trump is beginning to play defense, at this early stage, he risks losing his lead. …
Any feints Trump makes towards the Nation-Wrecking Alliance, such as support (however tepid) for H-1Bs, or constant disavowals of some internet backwater weirdo because media cucks harass him about it every minute, will simply embolden his foes to strike at him twice as hard and four times as often.
The only way to reinflate Trump’s deflating alphatude? By using the MAD SKILLZ of the internet’s alleged pickup masters:
So my Game advice to Trump is this: Politics is pickup without the bodily fluids.
I will give you a moment to cringe before continuing.
The master seducer doesn’t backtrack at the bedroom door.
And another cringe moment. Seriously, take all the cringing time you need as you make it through the rest of Heartiste’s advice.
Keep up the Zero Fucks Given nationalist populism charm assault, and don’t disappoint the swooning voters at the electoral door. Carry them across the threshold. They want you to take them.
Does Heartiste want Trump to date rape the electorate?
Sure, whisper a few sweetly romantic nothings in their ears, show a little of your beta softie side, but when panties are in view don’t sit up and ask “Should I slow down?”. Slip a finger under the waistband. The seduction isn’t over until the Trump voter sighs.
The Heartiste quote isn’t done until the reader throws up a little in their mouth — a point I think most of us probably got to even before the Trump voter panties made their appearance in Heartiste’s creepy metaphor.
Enjoy the rest of your Saturday!
Wow, I didn’t need that little bit of visual imagery. ugh
(For those of you sensitive to vomit, or the action of vomiting, you might want to look away.)
http://31.media.tumblr.com/cd40fd3f3f63ccc8160613caf7f13bcb/tumblr_mtma1jq5ea1rbqh6zo2_500.gif
http://33.media.tumblr.com/aa6f491fb11b2be9f897a58aeb6093e2/tumblr_mtma1jq5ea1rbqh6zo1_500.gif
http://38.media.tumblr.com/46ddbd237263d8d877f93aeefe8b782d/tumblr_mtma1jq5ea1rbqh6zo4_500.gif
And just for fun:
http://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/puking_rainbows_gravity_falls_looped.gif
If ever eye bleach needed to be invented, the time would be now.
Do these people never just stop for a second, read what they just wrote and say ‘what the hell is wrong with me?’
No. No. I guess they don’t.
Ugh. I was already nauseated before I read this. Gross.
Ew. Ew. Ew.
Heartiste ruined sex and voting in one foul blog entry. Why David? Why? Why did you think we wanted to see this?
I was so enjoying my Sunday morning.
Love the glitter & rainbow vomits, PI 🙂
Must go and hug my cats now.
They just double-down when their metaphors start to go sideways on them. Every time!
Huh. I wouldn’t consider a sigh a “victory”, but unto more important matters… what if the voters start crying or throwing up? What would an alpha do?
CUTE CORGI PUPPIES FALL IN HOLES.
Um, Tragedy, this is a post about a Donald Trump fan literally encouraging Trump to rape America. He’s cheering for a presidential candidate to rape, metaphorically and possibly literally, America. Is sharing a cute puppies video really the appropriate response?
IT’S EITHER RETREAT INTO THAT SAFE SPACE OR PROJECTILE VOMIT UNTIL I CAN SPEW NOTHING BUT BONE AND MUSCLE.
Hahaha!
Even by Heartiste standards, that post has an unusually high idiocy-to-word ratio. He’s practically drooling over Trump being the second coming of Christian Grey, but…but…isn’t Heartiste himself one of those selfsame voters who he claims are fantasizing about being carried into the bedroom by a strong authoritarian daddy candidate and “seduced”? That’s….awkward. I don’t see how that’s supposed to Make America Alpha Again.
If straight women fangirled over Bernie Sanders in the same unabashed erotic way, he’d be using that as Exhibit A of why women are too immature to vote.
“Maintaining frame” is going to be a huge – sorry, YUGE – problem for Trump in the general election. He’ll have to tack back to the center without alienating his base of bigoted KKK assholes. Good luck with that. Moderates aren’t going to buy it, and his diehard supporters will be foaming at the mouth at the sight of their fascist standard bearer having to tone down the crude innuendoes and racism in order to appeal to a broader swath of the electorate. As we can already see here.
[insert grotty rape metaphor here]
Yeah, they’ll be sighing, all right. But mainly once the hemorrhoid cream takes effect when the election is over.
Two wrongs don’t make a right. I cannot stress this enough. I really really really really can’t stress how this never makes anything right. But nobody listens to me.
Apologies in advance.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7C7Ncqb_cw
H-1B Visas seem pretty vital to the long-term future of the USA.
Meanwhile, in other Drumpf news, Der Drumpf’s followers are giving a strangely familiar salute.
No, that’s not Photoshop.
I’m fairly certain that my vagina has sealed itself shut forever after reading that. Thanks a lot Heartiste -_-
Wow. I just came back in from watering the new shrubbery and had been thinking about adding compost the next time we mulch, and now I see David’s gathered a lovely pile of manure for me.
http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/no-words-homer-into-brush.gif
You know, I rarely look up more suggestions on self-care, but I might just need to do that.
Okay metaphor aside, doesn’t this make Heartiste the girl being pick-up/raped? Wouldn’t that make him a beta/mangina/cuck/whatever term they’re using this week?
Anyway here are some Vampire Bats
I’m trying to remember the last time I saw the word ‘panties’ being used in a non-creepy context. It’s been a while.
Yeah, but they sound a lot like “HB-1.” Do we really want to let ugly immigrants into our great nation?
/s
Oh, and here’s some extra-strength brain bleach:
https://youtu.be/0kK2Jmhh4pM