Ladies! The jig is up. Your deepest, darkest secrets have been revealed to the world at last, by one of your own. And they are more sordid than any of us dudes would have ever imagined.
Several years back, you see, there was this super-hot early-thirties hottie, and she was dying of cancer. But before she succumbed she decided to let her best male friend know the dirty secrets about women that the sisterhood tries so hard to keep men from learning,
It just so happened that this best male friend was a dude named, uh, let’s say “Bob Smith,” who now writes for the prestigious online publication Return of Kings, and he’s decided to reveal the shocking “inside information … regarding what women were really all about” to the men of the world.
Amazingly, the dark and dirty secrets the late hot chick revealed to Bob just happened to line up exactly with what misogynistic douchebags believe about women anyway.
Apparently women are all a bunch of overgrown children who are
looking for our true daddies, basically – the idealized daddies that we never had – somebody who can … call us out on our bullshit and put us in our place.
Also, they’re totally a bunch of big fake phonies:
Our faces are fake (makeup), our hair is fake (dyed), our boobs are fake (some of us), everything about us is fake. Most especially when it comes to what is inside of us.
And the revelations keep coming: Women are liars and cheaters and schemers who hate other women, whom they see mostly as competition, and themselves, because they know better than anyone else how terrible they are. And because they are basically masochists, the only men who truly light their fires are those who use them sexually,
then discard us like used toilet paper, and f**k our female friends afterwards, just because [they] can. (Just like we would do with his male friends.)
Remember, this is all SUPER TRUE because it was told by an ACTUAL HOT CHICK to someone who calls himself Bob Smith, and later published in the most reputable publication in the world.
Which means the dog stuff must be true, too.
But before we get to that we also need to deal with the REAL TRUE TRUTH about the female sex drive, which is that women are like a billion times hornier than men. In the words of the dead hot chick herself, which I have slightly censored,
Women are receptacles for [deleted], that’s how we have been biologically designed. Nothing feels better to us than being [deleted] [deleted] with multiple [deleted], than being the [deleted] of [deleted] [deleted], than being the [deleted] of unbridled [deleted] [deleted].
Ok, I might have gone a little bit overboard with the censorship there and made that very dirty passage seem even dirtier than it really was. I have to admit that some of the words I deleted, or possibly most of them, weren’t actually naughty at all. But trust me. It was pretty bad.
And we haven’t even gotten to the dogs yet.
Brace yourself.
Dead cancer hottie’s most disconcerting revelation is that women like dogs. As in, really like dogs, nudge nudge wink wink.
That is,
many women – many, many women – have sex with dogs on a routine basis. …
I can see why you might not believe it, to which I say, look really hard at all of the women you know who have dogs. Look at women who have dogs whenever you see them out on the street, in the act of walking those dogs. Or at the park. You will notice that most of them have male dogs – the vast majority, in fact. This isn’t a coincidence.
Fellas, I know you’re probably as shocked as I am. But remember: this was in Return of Kings, a publication renowned around the world for its rigorous fact-checking procedures, and
Oh, wait, I was thinking of The New Yorker.
This was on Return of Kings.
Which means “Bob Smith” was almost certainly just making it all up, dog stuff included. What a relief! Hot cancer girl probably never even existed!
Hell, I’m beginning to suspect that “Bob Smith” isn’t even his real name.
NOTE: In all seriousness, “Smith’s” post is so ludicrous I wonder if someone is pranking Return of Kings. But the commenters on RoK are eating it up and offering their own thoughts on women and dogs.
It’s odd – I found the Monty Hall thing completely baffling first off, but once it’s all in words I’m fine with it.
Putting in even fun numbers, like 1/3 rd of a slightly used goat – a dog-eared goat, perhaps – and it snaps back across the incomprehensibility line.
Many many gems on this thread but I’d like to just acknowledge “serving up confirmation bias on a platter”.
That’s one Confirmation Bias on a Platter with a side-order of Schadenfreude. Because she’s certifiably HAWT but chose to waste herself on dogs in preference to Nice Guy “Bob”, so now she’s dying. That’ll learn her.
The really important thing about the door he opens is that it’s guaranteed to be a goat. It’s not actually a random choice. So revealing that one of those two is adding new information, that of those two doors if one is going to have the car it’s the one he didn’t open, which means you’re basically getting to chose two doors and only losing if both are goat.
Hello.
Hmm, Hot Dead Chick… I have many of these, but they hardly die of cancer, they just have their head off. And if they are hot, it is because they often are just going out from the oven.
However, when i speak to them before their death, they infuse me with deep revelations about Chicks such as “Cot cot cot codec” which mean “I want more semen”, a thing that can not be mistaken for “Cot cot cot codec” which mean “I want more seeds” ; also “Cot cot codec cot”, which mean “I love the cock” and can not be mistaken for “Cot cot codec cot”, which mean “I love the rooster”, as everybody know. And sometimes, when I ask for an access to their eggs, they answer me “Cock-a-doodle-doo” which mean “Fuck off, you drunk, I am a rooster !”, a famous cockblock sentence from other alphamales in the farmyard. However, they never tell me about dog. I guess i am not alpha enough to get this kind of confidences…
Have a nice day.
Monty is helping you by filtering the choices for you. He’s giving you information you didn’t have previously. Unless you have ESP, there’s a 2/3 chance you did NOT pick the right door on the first try. And if you didn’t pick the right door at first, you will always win by switching because Monty is forced to eliminate the other goat door, leaving you to choose the car. If you always stubbornly stick with your original door, you will only win 1/3 of the time. Odds are not static – the more facts you know, the better your chances of being correct. It’s a question of re-evaluating the probabilities as new information is added.
Something that MRAs are absolutely terrible at.
I’m excited to see this attempt to unify relativity and quantum physics via goats. That’s a guaranteed Nobel if you can pull it off.
Buttercup Q. Skullpants, that’s a really clear way of describing the problem!
@ Moggie
I don’t know if its a curvature of spacetime or quantum loop gravity, but how the flip do the goats manage this!
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/10/15/article-1320728-0B9F8225000005DC-23_470x581.jpg
ETA: I’m thinking they get so close to the wall that the weak or strong nuclear forces come into play.
“Man’s best friendzoned” is brilliant!
Also, I finally understand that Monty Hall thing, it just clicked for me finally. But dont ask me to explain it because then my brain might break.
@Alan
Velcro, my friend. Velcro.
It’s their hooves. Hooves aren’t bone; they’re made of the same substance as fingernails or (in this case) spider web. It lets them stick on.
(Joking, obviously.)
@ msexception
For a microsecond there I was thinking “Oh, is that where they get it from”; then I realised I was getting mixed up with Angoras.
So we start with making fun of the rooshites, move along to puppies, then on to the weirdness of probability theory? Best. Thread. Ever.
My recommendation for a really hot chick:
Make a mix of paprika, smoked chili, salt, black pepper, a tiny dash of yellow curry powder, powdered onion and rub it on chicken you’ve dunked in boiling water couple of times before the rub. Grill/bake in the oven, and just before you’re gonna pull it out, give it one final lathering with leftover spices mixed with melted butter and apricot brandy and let it grill a notch longer before you take it out to rest for a moment before carving into noms.
@Alan
Maybe they’ve got some kind of goat-built catapult, then after applying some kind of sticky stuff on one side of each goat, they get launched at the chosen rocky surface and pray to their goat ancestors that they properly stick because the consequences if they don’t will be horrific and result in death. Hell if I know. But enough of them get up there and the majority somehow don’t slip into a free fall to their death, which is better than I can imagine myself accomplishing in that particular locale.
Oooh…what if their hooves have built in suction cups? Entirely possible!
msexceptiontotherule: Tentacles with suckers, that’s my theory. They slither out of the side touching the wall, and then use the suction on it, thus hiding the fact that they got tentacles with their body.
The serial rapist Daryush Roosh Valizadeh also has a very unhealthy obsession endorsing Adolf Hitler, and promoting Hitler propaganda towards his fanatics:
http://i.imgur.com/1jFtiQl.jpg
What’s with this obsession that Roosh has for Hitler?
He talked before in another interview about Hitler as well:
“I’m going to be compared to Hitler,” Daryush Valizadeh told me recently. Valizadeh, better known as “Roosh V,” was being quite literal. Few people have inspired such loathing online.
What separates him from the legions of other pick-up artists online (apart from his imaginatively titled travel guides: “Bang Columbia,” “Don’t Bang Denmark,” “Bang Iceland,” etc.) is his extraordinarily vitriolic and misogynistic views about women and society as a whole.
So extreme are Roosh’s views he even managed to land himself on the Southern Poverty Law Center’s quarterly extremism report in 2012, a privilege usually reserved for neo-Nazis and terrorists
It was in autumn last year, however, that his work really reached a mainstream audience. “5 Reasons to Date a Girl With an Eating Disorder,” an article on Return of Kings, the blog he edits, went viral. It prompted furious responses in the Daily Mail (“dangerously and absurdly trivialising”), Huffington Post (“the dark underbelly of the internet, full of venom and vitriol”), and Jezebel (“inarticulate, delusional garbage”).
This fake woman sounds eerily similar to the one who for whatever reason (I mean, other than her non-existence) needed Stefan Molyneux to post her comments about how much she loves Stefan Molyneux.
https://www.wehuntedthemammoth.com/2014/07/10/stefan-molyneuxs-secret-life-as-a-hot-babe-who-loves-stefan-molyneux/
Okay, folks, the Monty Hall discussion has been unbelievably helpful to me. In particular, Buttercup Q. Skullpants’ comment about multiple iterations. Once I evaluate it through the lens of two contestants, playing the game dozens of times, and each sticking to a strategy of either ‘keep’ or ‘switch’ throughout the game, it becomes clear why switching makes more sense.
It took me years before I could intuitively “get” the Monty Hall problem. I’d remember it every few months and think “Wait, that can’t be right!” and have to do all the work over again to prove it to myself.
“1 == 0.999…” still kinda does that to me. I understand why it’s true, but it still manages to make me feel some weirdness, and I need to remind myself how it can be true whenever it comes up.
@Skiriki
So…they’re some kind of alien-goat hybrid? That seems plausible. Definitely would help explain a lot of stuff on that show “Ancient Aliens”…the one where the answer is always “Aliens!” no matter what the actual question is. 😛
I should probably kick you in the shins for the mental image I’ve got of goat-aliens-with-tentacles-that-have-suckers-for-wall-clinging. I just *know* it’s going to be the sort of thing I’ll have nightmares about.
“0.9999 == 1” is one of the most aggravating things someone can ever say, second only to “if humans evolved from monkeys how come there are still monkeys” or “where would I have to be standing to see [X astronomical photo]?” It’s one of those questions that just make me cringe.
ETA: dlouwe, I know you didn’t say it just to wind me up and I mean no offense to you over it.
@ Dlouwe
The one that (sort of) works for me is:
1/3 = 0.33′
3 x 1/3 = 1
3 x 0.33′ = 0.99′
But intuitively there’s still a tiny bit left over somewhere past infinity.
ETA: Eek, now I’ve mentioned infinity I’ve got all the Hilbert’s Hotel thing going on.
If there’s an infinite number of integers and an infinite number of even integers then how come there are twice as many integers as there are even integers. Check mate, mathematicians.
@IP:
It’s even worse than that. We can prove that there are as many integers as there are even integers. (That is, we can prove that both are aleph-zero infinite sets.) Because there are also as many integers as there are odd integers, this means that there are twice as many integers as there are integers.
Gaze not into the abyss.
msexceptiontotherule:
I can make a picture of that too! 😀
With red, fiendish freaky Thing-eyes, flailing sucker tentacles and all that 😀