Ladies! The jig is up. Your deepest, darkest secrets have been revealed to the world at last, by one of your own. And they are more sordid than any of us dudes would have ever imagined.
Several years back, you see, there was this super-hot early-thirties hottie, and she was dying of cancer. But before she succumbed she decided to let her best male friend know the dirty secrets about women that the sisterhood tries so hard to keep men from learning,
It just so happened that this best male friend was a dude named, uh, let’s say “Bob Smith,” who now writes for the prestigious online publication Return of Kings, and he’s decided to reveal the shocking “inside information … regarding what women were really all about” to the men of the world.
Amazingly, the dark and dirty secrets the late hot chick revealed to Bob just happened to line up exactly with what misogynistic douchebags believe about women anyway.
Apparently women are all a bunch of overgrown children who are
looking for our true daddies, basically – the idealized daddies that we never had – somebody who can … call us out on our bullshit and put us in our place.
Also, they’re totally a bunch of big fake phonies:
Our faces are fake (makeup), our hair is fake (dyed), our boobs are fake (some of us), everything about us is fake. Most especially when it comes to what is inside of us.
And the revelations keep coming: Women are liars and cheaters and schemers who hate other women, whom they see mostly as competition, and themselves, because they know better than anyone else how terrible they are. And because they are basically masochists, the only men who truly light their fires are those who use them sexually,
then discard us like used toilet paper, and f**k our female friends afterwards, just because [they] can. (Just like we would do with his male friends.)
Remember, this is all SUPER TRUE because it was told by an ACTUAL HOT CHICK to someone who calls himself Bob Smith, and later published in the most reputable publication in the world.
Which means the dog stuff must be true, too.
But before we get to that we also need to deal with the REAL TRUE TRUTH about the female sex drive, which is that women are like a billion times hornier than men. In the words of the dead hot chick herself, which I have slightly censored,
Women are receptacles for [deleted], that’s how we have been biologically designed. Nothing feels better to us than being [deleted] [deleted] with multiple [deleted], than being the [deleted] of [deleted] [deleted], than being the [deleted] of unbridled [deleted] [deleted].
Ok, I might have gone a little bit overboard with the censorship there and made that very dirty passage seem even dirtier than it really was. I have to admit that some of the words I deleted, or possibly most of them, weren’t actually naughty at all. But trust me. It was pretty bad.
And we haven’t even gotten to the dogs yet.
Brace yourself.
Dead cancer hottie’s most disconcerting revelation is that women like dogs. As in, really like dogs, nudge nudge wink wink.
That is,
many women – many, many women – have sex with dogs on a routine basis. …
I can see why you might not believe it, to which I say, look really hard at all of the women you know who have dogs. Look at women who have dogs whenever you see them out on the street, in the act of walking those dogs. Or at the park. You will notice that most of them have male dogs – the vast majority, in fact. This isn’t a coincidence.
Fellas, I know you’re probably as shocked as I am. But remember: this was in Return of Kings, a publication renowned around the world for its rigorous fact-checking procedures, and
Oh, wait, I was thinking of The New Yorker.
This was on Return of Kings.
Which means “Bob Smith” was almost certainly just making it all up, dog stuff included. What a relief! Hot cancer girl probably never even existed!
Hell, I’m beginning to suspect that “Bob Smith” isn’t even his real name.
NOTE: In all seriousness, “Smith’s” post is so ludicrous I wonder if someone is pranking Return of Kings. But the commenters on RoK are eating it up and offering their own thoughts on women and dogs.
I was also confused by the early-30s thing, and was disappointed to learn Greta Garbo isn’t dispensing sex tips via Ouija Board from beyond the veil.
Actually, that would be way more believable than the idea that a young woman with only a few months to live, in a ton of pain and discomfort, would be concerned about helping vile jerkfaces get laid more often. Usually deathbed advice is more like Desiderata, and less like confirmation bias on a platter.
I am so confused. My imagination does not stretch that far, I’m afraid (even though I have a dog — why, a male dog, of course).
@ Buttercup Q. Skullpants-
I cannot imagine Garbo giving any advice to these damnfools beyond @#$%! off!
-(been lurking for a few months-I love this site.)-
This is gross, but much less horrifying than what I was expecting out of an article that leads with “hot dead chick.”
Worst version of ‘Camille’ ever.
I think EJ already said this on page 1, but: thank you all for such hilarity. This may be the best comment thread on here yet, imho. So many sparkly jewels of awesome funny-ness (so funny that I’m reduced to making up words).
@ Buttercup Q Skullpants: “Usually deathbed advice is more like Desiderata, and less like confirmation bias on a platter.”
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
darkstatistic:
Hmm. I suppose that could be deliberate. If you want to make easy money from your readers, or just to have an army of loyal followers, it helps to have only very gullible readers, who will believe literally anything you tell them.
This talking dog is also true, really!!
It really talks. Genuine. Absolutely real.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw
Ok . . . in the U.S., ninety percent of male dogs are neutered. The total dog population here is 70-80 million, but I couldn’t find a number based on gender. We can safely assume that’s it’s 50/50 or fairly close to that since nature seems to like a near-even split in gender. That means there are 35-40 million male dogs in the country, only 3.5-4 million unaltered.
There are 129.5 adult women in the U.S. in 2014. “Many, many women” really doesn’t give us much to go on number-wise, but I’m going to assume that given there’s 0.3 unaltered male dogs per woman in the U.S., no matter what number “many, many” is, there would be an awfully lot of sharing going on.
Poor, poor RoK adherents. There aren’t enough unaltered male dogs to go around, yet they still can’t get a date.
And I hope I did the math right.
Man, Return of the Kings is such a cess pool. Do the guys that read this shut believe that a woman on her death bed would say ANY of this shit? I sure don’t. Also, I am loving this thread. It also very refreshing to see the word ‘bitch’ in its proper context, instead of an insult. I am so sick of the way names of female animals (and crude names for the female genitals) are used as an insult to degrade women-bitch, cow, etc. Seriously it is like being female is something to be ashamed of.
I’m almost amused enough to go to RoK and read the comments, but I’m too scared.
Ledasmom: I do that, too. In my opinion, unless one is a veterinarian or checking one’s pet for injury, that’s the only good reason to check out a dog’s genitals.
I CAN’T EVEN.
Okay. Let’s say I were teaching a creative writing class, and I assigned my students this exercise: “Write a short story that includes a deathbed confession.” (IRL, once I had to write several rhyming couplets about houseplants for a poetry workshop . Anyway.) What would I be looking for when I graded those stories? First, I’d see how creatively students handled a cliche situation, and next I’d check how well the confession fit in with the story as a whole. For that, the confession would have to be something personal to the character and/or the friends/family members she’s confessing to. “All women are inherently deceitful” is WAY too vague and lacks dramatic tension. So, D+ for Bob Smith (the “+” part just because the dog sex thing is mildly amusing). Try harder on your next story.
“Man’s-best-friendzoned”.
Omg buttercup, that is the evilest hilarious thing ever
@Buttercup Q. Skullpants
This made me LOL so hard I may have spit water all over myself…and my cat.
Okay, I give up – what the actual f**k did I just read?
It’s like Poe’s Law brought to terrible life
That was the worst plot summary to a Beethoven sequel I’ve ever read.
(But, seriously, “man’s-best-friendzoned” wins this thread forever.)
@ Dr. NicolaLuna
Right? As if her attractiveness means she’s more reliable. Or that it proves his alphaness, because why would anyone provide comfort to a dying woman friend who wasn’t hot? Of course, men don’t have the same obligation to be hot while dying.
If this dying woman is real–and she most definitely isn’t–and a good friend of his, focusing on her “hotness” (because nothing’s better for one’s skin and hair than cancer!) is really fucking inhumane.
Although a victim-of-the-wold narrative is feed quite well by saying that one is less valued even than dogs. The idea that these manly men are out-alpha’d by animals that sniff butts and lick their own balls is amusing.
Well, to be fair, if I could reach I’d never leave the house.
So I did a little research on this. Very little because I call sex with animals always, always nonconsensual sex, and I don’t want to think about this animal abuse.
But I did read a Wikipedia article: “Zoophilia and health.” My boyfriend asked what I was doing.
Me: “Uhhh, research.”
Him: “What kind?”
Me: “Uhhh, you know Roosh. A writer on ROK says that his dying female friend said that women are really terrible and–uhhh–sleep with their dogs. And so I’m looking at how people can get terrible diseases from sleeping with dogs.”
Him: “That’s absurd! You’re not going to get sick from sleeping with a dog!”
Me: (To myself) How nice that he can be so innocent about ROK! (Aloud) “Sex with dogs.”
Him: “Ohhh.”
Anyway, long story short: A human can get awful diseases from having sex with animals, including dogs.
Do these wanna-be kings who rule harems of hot babes think that lots and lots of women are walking around with these diseases?! Do they worry that these women can transmit these diseases to other people via sex? Will they abstain from sex due to this fear? So many questions!
Click through at your own risk:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zoophilia_and_health#cite_note-pig2-19
Kat: Ah, the Enumclaw horse sex case! I was a college student in Washington at the time and there were a lot of Trojan horse jokes going around.
At least they left out the bit where she revealed that women are actually evil shapechangers from another world… damn! I mean… forget I said that.
@ Kat – does that mean that the definitely real, definitely dying beauty who told “Bob” (why do I always imagine that name spoken by Blackadder?) that all wommenz lie all the time was actually … lying?
She didn’t have cancer, or whatever it is women get in fiction where they die tragically while keeping their looks to the last.
She had dog-transmitted cooties!
@bluecat
Will dog-transmitted cooties allow an HB to keep her looks?
ROK’s article gives rise to many, many questions.