Ladies! The jig is up. Your deepest, darkest secrets have been revealed to the world at last, by one of your own. And they are more sordid than any of us dudes would have ever imagined.
Several years back, you see, there was this super-hot early-thirties hottie, and she was dying of cancer. But before she succumbed she decided to let her best male friend know the dirty secrets about women that the sisterhood tries so hard to keep men from learning,
It just so happened that this best male friend was a dude named, uh, let’s say “Bob Smith,” who now writes for the prestigious online publication Return of Kings, and he’s decided to reveal the shocking “inside information … regarding what women were really all about” to the men of the world.
Amazingly, the dark and dirty secrets the late hot chick revealed to Bob just happened to line up exactly with what misogynistic douchebags believe about women anyway.
Apparently women are all a bunch of overgrown children who are
looking for our true daddies, basically – the idealized daddies that we never had – somebody who can … call us out on our bullshit and put us in our place.
Also, they’re totally a bunch of big fake phonies:
Our faces are fake (makeup), our hair is fake (dyed), our boobs are fake (some of us), everything about us is fake. Most especially when it comes to what is inside of us.
And the revelations keep coming: Women are liars and cheaters and schemers who hate other women, whom they see mostly as competition, and themselves, because they know better than anyone else how terrible they are. And because they are basically masochists, the only men who truly light their fires are those who use them sexually,
then discard us like used toilet paper, and f**k our female friends afterwards, just because [they] can. (Just like we would do with his male friends.)
Remember, this is all SUPER TRUE because it was told by an ACTUAL HOT CHICK to someone who calls himself Bob Smith, and later published in the most reputable publication in the world.
Which means the dog stuff must be true, too.
But before we get to that we also need to deal with the REAL TRUE TRUTH about the female sex drive, which is that women are like a billion times hornier than men. In the words of the dead hot chick herself, which I have slightly censored,
Women are receptacles for [deleted], that’s how we have been biologically designed. Nothing feels better to us than being [deleted] [deleted] with multiple [deleted], than being the [deleted] of [deleted] [deleted], than being the [deleted] of unbridled [deleted] [deleted].
Ok, I might have gone a little bit overboard with the censorship there and made that very dirty passage seem even dirtier than it really was. I have to admit that some of the words I deleted, or possibly most of them, weren’t actually naughty at all. But trust me. It was pretty bad.
And we haven’t even gotten to the dogs yet.
Brace yourself.
Dead cancer hottie’s most disconcerting revelation is that women like dogs. As in, really like dogs, nudge nudge wink wink.
That is,
many women – many, many women – have sex with dogs on a routine basis. …
I can see why you might not believe it, to which I say, look really hard at all of the women you know who have dogs. Look at women who have dogs whenever you see them out on the street, in the act of walking those dogs. Or at the park. You will notice that most of them have male dogs – the vast majority, in fact. This isn’t a coincidence.
Fellas, I know you’re probably as shocked as I am. But remember: this was in Return of Kings, a publication renowned around the world for its rigorous fact-checking procedures, and
Oh, wait, I was thinking of The New Yorker.
This was on Return of Kings.
Which means “Bob Smith” was almost certainly just making it all up, dog stuff included. What a relief! Hot cancer girl probably never even existed!
Hell, I’m beginning to suspect that “Bob Smith” isn’t even his real name.
NOTE: In all seriousness, “Smith’s” post is so ludicrous I wonder if someone is pranking Return of Kings. But the commenters on RoK are eating it up and offering their own thoughts on women and dogs.
What.
…I can see that.
(My comment is still funny in that context anyway because no living woman would say anything akin to this unless they’re a FeMRA and only then does it apply to every other woman but them.)
TV channels explained live why anyone buying Roosh’s how-to-rape-girls-and-get-away-with-it manuals
and anyone associating his name with Return Of Kings
should be put on a terrorism watchlist:
http://i.imgur.com/8ICEqnU.jpg
Also they named Daryush Roosh Valizadeh an admitted serial rapist
http://s1.r29static.com/bin/entry/259/x/1320226/tumblr-inline-ne14tl4iq61rhyh23.gif
I also read it as early 1930’s and was curious what the original post said, so I checked (and now feel icky for giving that site an extra pageview).
So there we are. I think the conversation probably went something like this:
Him: “You look really hot today.
Her: “I don’t feel hot. It’s all fake. This makeup, this wig, nothing about me is real. Not even on the inside.” *gestures to bags of liquid she’s hooked up to.*
Him: “Well, you are hot. I bet you’ve banged a lot of hot guys.”
Her: *snorts* “I’ve only ever slept with dogs.”
But both my dogs are female. Does that mean I’m a lesbian?
@Kupo: That sounds far more reasonable than whatever-the-fuck that was.
Wait… This guy stalks women at dog parks and checks out the dogs’ genitals while he imagines the dogs and women getting it on AND he is jealous of how ” alpha” he imagines the dogs to be? *triple take*
Doosh Fanboy Dude, I think I just figured out why you don’t get alot of dates. Also, get a new hobby.
…and some goram sense.
My memory of Love Story, the movie – I not read the Erich Segal book, is that we are never told what is killing ‘Jennie’ (Ali McGraw).
Also ‘Jennie’ never has any symptoms. She goes to the doctor to find out why she cannot seem to get pregnant.
I think now it is finally a good time to help stop this organized terrorism groups against women which are lead by Roosh:
The easiest way to do this should be by contacting parliament members in our countries, and the women righst organizations.
There are thousands of reasons why the organized terrorist group lead by Roosh should finally be stopped:
http://i.imgur.com/8ICEqnU.jpg
I have 3 cats, so I must be a alien….
*Facepalm*
I have a male and a female dog, and I am lesian/ bi – omg they’re on to something!
I actually only have a male dog because of what dog rescues like to do – put a male with you if you already have a female. And he was castrated at 6 months – misandry!
So how does the cat lady stuff fit Into this? Are cats beta orbiters who can get with a woman once the alpha dogs have moved on?
Some stories on RoK, like this and “Wal-Mart Man” make me think all of its contributors save Roosh are doing a massively successful Poe. Then I remember Trump is running for President 🙁
I have two Great Danes who are male and female, but they are both fixed. What now, douchebags?
Also not even a tiny bit surprised that people on ROK are believing this. Not even a little.
This absurd article and its more absurd comments are even funnier when you look on the website and find RoK recently republished an article why men are always intellectually superior than women. The contradiction is astounding.
David, could you please post and tear down RoK’s ridiculous “Why Men Are Intellectually Superior” article? It’s just begging to be mocked.
If women lie to everyone and keep their true nature hidden to all then how does this one woman know anything about other women?
I love Bob Smith’s conclusion, “It’s totally true a lot of the time, according to me. That makes it a fact, tight?.”
AIDS, which according to the late great David Rakoff, is “a disease that renders one cuter and cuter.”
There was a bit on an episode of QI saying that, apparently men check out the genitals of any dogs they pass, while women don’t. Apparently.
My experience is not statistically significant (whereas Bob Smith’s is, of course / s) but all the dog owners, male or female, that I know well have neutered dogs, male or female. They’re mostly rescue dogs so that’s part of the deal.
Mr Bluecat is a dog magnet, so we say hallo to all the dogs willing to say hallo to us, and once in a long while we meet one which is visibly intact male. It’s almost always staffies or rotties, and the owners always seem to be male.
There certainly are puppy farms in our part of town, because sometimes a bitch who has been bred out gets dumped on the streets round here. It’s a grim business: I don’t know why it’s legal.
I check out the genitals on any dog I pass, because I’m hoping for the opportunity to say “Oooh what a nice dog, aren’t you a good dog, do you want a scritch YES YOU DO” and it seems more polite to get it right when telling the owner that their dog is a Very Good Girl or Boy. Sometimes, with the fluffier variety of dog, it is necessary to equivocate and hope the owner makes things clear.
Why the heck is this jerk picking on dogs? Has he ever seen a dog penis? They’re sort of weeny (sorry). Even a quite big dog has, by human standards, a quite small penis. Really, this story makes no sense on any level.
*right?
Dang nab it.
Oh no, Hot Cancer Chick, stop giving away our feeeeemale secrets! Now the menz won’t believe that my hair is naturally pink and my eyelids are naturally silver!
Seriously, the mra “makeup is deception!!!!” meme is so stupid. (I’m not even touching ‘loads of women fuck dogs’, because… what. What.)
Somehow I suspect that the “makeup = LIES!” thing is actually more about feeling uncomfortable with women taking ownership of their own appearance.
Also, they do this incredibly silly grinny dance when they’re getting ready to hump the bitch, and it’s kind of hard to take that seriously, much less be aroused by it. (Yes, I’ve seen it. And I laughed my ass off.)
Also, yay, Kip Dynamite! So much more believable than MRAsshats anyday.
Shakespeare had Hamlet say it, too: “God has given you one face and you make yourselves another. You jig and amble, and you lisp, you nickname God’s creatures and make your wantonness your ignorance.”
EJ,
I’m sure of it.