Ladies! The jig is up. Your deepest, darkest secrets have been revealed to the world at last, by one of your own. And they are more sordid than any of us dudes would have ever imagined.
Several years back, you see, there was this super-hot early-thirties hottie, and she was dying of cancer. But before she succumbed she decided to let her best male friend know the dirty secrets about women that the sisterhood tries so hard to keep men from learning,
It just so happened that this best male friend was a dude named, uh, let’s say “Bob Smith,” who now writes for the prestigious online publication Return of Kings, and he’s decided to reveal the shocking “inside information … regarding what women were really all about” to the men of the world.
Amazingly, the dark and dirty secrets the late hot chick revealed to Bob just happened to line up exactly with what misogynistic douchebags believe about women anyway.
Apparently women are all a bunch of overgrown children who are
looking for our true daddies, basically – the idealized daddies that we never had – somebody who can … call us out on our bullshit and put us in our place.
Also, they’re totally a bunch of big fake phonies:
Our faces are fake (makeup), our hair is fake (dyed), our boobs are fake (some of us), everything about us is fake. Most especially when it comes to what is inside of us.
And the revelations keep coming: Women are liars and cheaters and schemers who hate other women, whom they see mostly as competition, and themselves, because they know better than anyone else how terrible they are. And because they are basically masochists, the only men who truly light their fires are those who use them sexually,
then discard us like used toilet paper, and f**k our female friends afterwards, just because [they] can. (Just like we would do with his male friends.)
Remember, this is all SUPER TRUE because it was told by an ACTUAL HOT CHICK to someone who calls himself Bob Smith, and later published in the most reputable publication in the world.
Which means the dog stuff must be true, too.
But before we get to that we also need to deal with the REAL TRUE TRUTH about the female sex drive, which is that women are like a billion times hornier than men. In the words of the dead hot chick herself, which I have slightly censored,
Women are receptacles for [deleted], that’s how we have been biologically designed. Nothing feels better to us than being [deleted] [deleted] with multiple [deleted], than being the [deleted] of [deleted] [deleted], than being the [deleted] of unbridled [deleted] [deleted].
Ok, I might have gone a little bit overboard with the censorship there and made that very dirty passage seem even dirtier than it really was. I have to admit that some of the words I deleted, or possibly most of them, weren’t actually naughty at all. But trust me. It was pretty bad.
And we haven’t even gotten to the dogs yet.
Brace yourself.
Dead cancer hottie’s most disconcerting revelation is that women like dogs. As in, really like dogs, nudge nudge wink wink.
That is,
many women – many, many women – have sex with dogs on a routine basis. …
I can see why you might not believe it, to which I say, look really hard at all of the women you know who have dogs. Look at women who have dogs whenever you see them out on the street, in the act of walking those dogs. Or at the park. You will notice that most of them have male dogs – the vast majority, in fact. This isn’t a coincidence.
Fellas, I know you’re probably as shocked as I am. But remember: this was in Return of Kings, a publication renowned around the world for its rigorous fact-checking procedures, and
Oh, wait, I was thinking of The New Yorker.
This was on Return of Kings.
Which means “Bob Smith” was almost certainly just making it all up, dog stuff included. What a relief! Hot cancer girl probably never even existed!
Hell, I’m beginning to suspect that “Bob Smith” isn’t even his real name.
NOTE: In all seriousness, “Smith’s” post is so ludicrous I wonder if someone is pranking Return of Kings. But the commenters on RoK are eating it up and offering their own thoughts on women and dogs.
I saw this being retweeted last week and from the headline alone, worked out that it was fake as hell. Reading the details, it’s even more absurd than I thought it would be. Anyone who believes this has probably been taken in by the Nigerian prince scam.
@SFCH
🙂
Everyone who has posted so far in this thread is a comedic genius. That is all.
I love that this is a clickbait style article. The actual headline is: “9 Secrets About Female Na-ture (sic) Told By A Hot Girl Dying Of Cancer”. Hahahahahaha.
Commenter Wi Tu Lo says:
Dude. Now we know what kind of porn you watch. Ew.
Sounds like Hot Dead Chick had a case of Ali McCraw Disease*, main symptom being that it leaves the victim looking even more beautiful the closer to death they get.
*Back in the 1989-90’s, film critic Roger Ebert ran a movie cliché list in the back of his movies on video guides, basically a precursor to what TvTropes does today but on a much smaller scale. One of the tropes he listed back then was the one above, named after a 1970’s movie McCraw starred in called Love Story. McCraw’s character was supposed to be dying of leukemia, but the character was evidently never shown with any of the actual physical symptoms of that disease. I have no idea what the modern TvTrope site lists that paticular trope under nowadays.
Though this post does bring up an interesting subject: deadly diseases that have been used used in fiction whose main symptom is leaving their female victims with a HB8+ corpse. Leukemia is one, tuberculosis is another (used in the late 1800-early 1900’s). Any other diseases anyone knows of that have been used like this in fictional works?
It’s funny…the only person I met who was ailing with leukemia when I met him was disfigured by it. He had really huge swollen lymph nodes in his neck. Looked like a bad case of the mumps.
If these idiots think a deadly disease makes you hotter, they should meet someone who actually has it. It ain’t pretty.
yes boys you’ve cracked it, women have dogs because they’re too ugly to trick a man into having sex with them
can’t possibly be that a dog is loyal, gets us exercise, guards the house, does as we say and greets us with kisses when we come home instead of sitting glued to his computer in a nest of junkfood wrappers, whining about what flighty, shallow, witless gum-dusters women are
Honestly, at the heart of it all I think a lot of these guys, especially the ones past their teens and twenties, know they’ve marinated in their own bitterness so long that they’ve ruined their chances of attracting a woman their own age. They know that all us 1-9s or whatever women they won’t look at twice took that message “you have to look past the surface and at what’s inside” that we’ve been beaten over the head with since we were five, and applied it to ourselves. You don’t want me because I’m not a busty blonde who keeps her mouth shut? Fine, *you’re* the shallow one, I’m going to get on with my life. We’re all catches now, holding down jobs, owning homes, lives full of hobbies and friends, and we don’t want bitter little boys who can’t adult and don’t realise women are human beings.
So my wife is fucking our Rottweiler/Walker Hound mix? No wonder he follows her everywhere.
Oh. Wait. He’s fixed.
This is fucking moronic. These guys eat up anything that goes with thief confirmation bias. I could write for RoK easily, I’d I could stomach it.
Why do the commenters even know what sex the dogs they see at the park with women are? Why are they looking at the genitals of people’s pets? I can’t say I’ve ever noticed the sex of dogs I see out and about.
Of all the things that never happened, dead-cancer-hottie never happened the most.
I got about half-way through when I decided that “Smith” was making this whole thing up. But my true favorite is the “quote” about cheating and trust between partners. Apparently, if a man believes you might be considering cheating on him, whether it is true or not and no matter how unfounded that belief is, if you do not bend over backwards to bring your entire life to a screeching, clattering halt until he feels better, you don’t really love him and should be ashamed.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am all about letting your partner know that they can feel secure in the relationship. And cheating is terrible and no one should do that. But if the whole relationship revolves around how he thinks she’s cheating, then that couple is probably doomed no matter how much she isn’t cheating. Even if she spends 24/7 for a month proving that.
It is important to trust your partner. But I don’t think most of the manosphere is genuinely capable of trusting any woman, ever.
Well, my dog is giving me a sprightly look…but it’s because I’m eating Pepperidge Farm Goldfish, which she loves.
Ooh, she’s progressed to *a paw on my knee*. Naughty times.
Jeez, what fecking idiots.
@WeirwoodTreehugger:
I can only think of one reason and it’s so disgusting I shan’t say it here.
Also that he doesn’t know jack about dogs. What an idiot.
Oh, and ALSO also: how can there be such a thing as a hot thirtysomething woman? Don’t we become the equivalent of moldy bread after we turn 26? Make up your minds, asswipes.
People dying of cancer are (a) totally hot, and (b) totally omniscient. And that lady dying of cancer totally had any hair at all.
http://i.imgur.com/fXeezOY.gif
Wow…just…wow.
I mean, what is this, a RoK production of a John Green novel? “I knew a hot girl dying of cancer, and she taught me so much about women and how they’re all evil, fake, dog-fucking bitches.”
Whelp, at least the next time we get a troll coming in here with unsourced claims we can just ask them if they heard it from a hot girl dying of cancer (or their girlfriend-who-really-truly-exists-she-just-lives-in-Canada).
This dude knew some star that died of cancer in the 30s? Well, he’s either over 80s years old or dabbling in necromancy and if he’s dabbling in necromancy, he sure as hell didn’t channel any woman. Maybe a sexist old grandpa but definitely not a woman.
If he experiences occasional whispers of “all feeeemales are WHORES” in his ears with no visible source or sees a strange black figure in photos taken of him, he should probably cleanse his house ASAP.
@RedSilkPhoenix: I’ll go ahead and look that up on TV Tropes now, and… ERMAGERD THEY CHANGED THEIR LAYOUT!
Anyway, looks like the closest thing there is Victorian Novel Disease. Not a lot of examples, but matches your description fairly closely.
Redsilkphoenix:
Curiosity got the better of me, so I had a look. They reference it as Victorian Novel Disease, although they have a slight difference in that beauty *grows* as the illness continues. Surprisingly, the list of examples is quite short.
There are also a few related tropes, which have their related tropes, which have… Ah dangit! Looks like I am stuck reading TvTropes for a while again.
EDIT: Ninjaed by ColeYote.
I could totally see myself yanking some dude’s chain as part of my dying mischievousness.
“Is it true all women are fakes?”
“Yes, yes it is. Just look at us, makeup, hair, heck – even this wig I’m wearing to cover up my chemo baldness, it’s all just the fakery of women.”
…etc…
“Lean in, lean in – I have something super secret to tell you. The one secret of womanhood each of us has sworn to take to the grave….”
“No closer…” Make him lean close enough to spit into his ear.
“We’re all fucking our dogs. In fact, every time a woman won’t fuck you – it’s because she’s already gettin’ it at home from woman’s best friend. It’s why I never fucked you.”
Personally, I suspect that it is due to how we’ve culturally associated dogs to be masculine and cats to be feminine. So when people see a dog, they tend to assume it’s male. Therefore all the women in the park with dogs are OBVIOUSLY walking male dogs.
@Pandapool
That’s how I read it at first too, but he’s saying the woman was in HER 30s.
Victorian Novel Disease – about a year ago I had a disease from a victorian novel – pleurisy and was in danger of rickets due to an outrageous D deficiency. I can assure you it wasn’t pretty. I was kinda amused to have a Dickens-type disease and felt a bit anachronistic. But really, maybe it’s not the time – maybe it’s the place. London’s pretty hard on the health.
@RedSilkPhoenix: Try “Beauty is Never Tarnished” for the modern trope. Tends to apply more to the results of physical violence than disease, but I think it’s applicable.
I feel like zoophiles should be offended by this. Along with cancer patients, women, people with brains, etc. RoK actually managed to make real dog-fuckers look good in comparison to their drivel. It’s…sort of impressive, really.
Anyone else feel like RoK is in its death throes? This has to be the shark-jumping moment for a lot of their readership. I mean, they seem to be driving off all but the most zealous, terrible, and frankly out of touch adherents. I’m sure that a good chunk of their traffic at this point is just people gawking at how despicable they are, and the rest is predominantly people who are wondering where it all went wrong.
Like a certain tech editor I could name, these guys are confusing notoriety for popularity and either for influence.
So if Roosh’s only feasible defense to the rape allegations is that he was lying all along, is this kind of article meant to create the impression that RoK and Roosh’s empire of rape and absuse were “satire*” all along?
*How I hate how that word has been abused…