Ladies! The jig is up. Your deepest, darkest secrets have been revealed to the world at last, by one of your own. And they are more sordid than any of us dudes would have ever imagined.
Several years back, you see, there was this super-hot early-thirties hottie, and she was dying of cancer. But before she succumbed she decided to let her best male friend know the dirty secrets about women that the sisterhood tries so hard to keep men from learning,
It just so happened that this best male friend was a dude named, uh, let’s say “Bob Smith,” who now writes for the prestigious online publication Return of Kings, and he’s decided to reveal the shocking “inside information … regarding what women were really all about” to the men of the world.
Amazingly, the dark and dirty secrets the late hot chick revealed to Bob just happened to line up exactly with what misogynistic douchebags believe about women anyway.
Apparently women are all a bunch of overgrown children who are
looking for our true daddies, basically – the idealized daddies that we never had – somebody who can … call us out on our bullshit and put us in our place.
Also, they’re totally a bunch of big fake phonies:
Our faces are fake (makeup), our hair is fake (dyed), our boobs are fake (some of us), everything about us is fake. Most especially when it comes to what is inside of us.
And the revelations keep coming: Women are liars and cheaters and schemers who hate other women, whom they see mostly as competition, and themselves, because they know better than anyone else how terrible they are. And because they are basically masochists, the only men who truly light their fires are those who use them sexually,
then discard us like used toilet paper, and f**k our female friends afterwards, just because [they] can. (Just like we would do with his male friends.)
Remember, this is all SUPER TRUE because it was told by an ACTUAL HOT CHICK to someone who calls himself Bob Smith, and later published in the most reputable publication in the world.
Which means the dog stuff must be true, too.
But before we get to that we also need to deal with the REAL TRUE TRUTH about the female sex drive, which is that women are like a billion times hornier than men. In the words of the dead hot chick herself, which I have slightly censored,
Women are receptacles for [deleted], that’s how we have been biologically designed. Nothing feels better to us than being [deleted] [deleted] with multiple [deleted], than being the [deleted] of [deleted] [deleted], than being the [deleted] of unbridled [deleted] [deleted].
Ok, I might have gone a little bit overboard with the censorship there and made that very dirty passage seem even dirtier than it really was. I have to admit that some of the words I deleted, or possibly most of them, weren’t actually naughty at all. But trust me. It was pretty bad.
And we haven’t even gotten to the dogs yet.
Brace yourself.
Dead cancer hottie’s most disconcerting revelation is that women like dogs. As in, really like dogs, nudge nudge wink wink.
That is,
many women – many, many women – have sex with dogs on a routine basis. …
I can see why you might not believe it, to which I say, look really hard at all of the women you know who have dogs. Look at women who have dogs whenever you see them out on the street, in the act of walking those dogs. Or at the park. You will notice that most of them have male dogs – the vast majority, in fact. This isn’t a coincidence.
Fellas, I know you’re probably as shocked as I am. But remember: this was in Return of Kings, a publication renowned around the world for its rigorous fact-checking procedures, and
Oh, wait, I was thinking of The New Yorker.
This was on Return of Kings.
Which means “Bob Smith” was almost certainly just making it all up, dog stuff included. What a relief! Hot cancer girl probably never even existed!
Hell, I’m beginning to suspect that “Bob Smith” isn’t even his real name.
NOTE: In all seriousness, “Smith’s” post is so ludicrous I wonder if someone is pranking Return of Kings. But the commenters on RoK are eating it up and offering their own thoughts on women and dogs.
I have ONE fake breast – as a result of surviving cancer. Do you think that counts? (Never had sex with a dog though . . . .)
Women are so desperate for the D that we’ll do it with our pets, but men need to buy Roosh’s books to learn how to get sex from women. Makes total sense.
And of course one woman (assuming she actually existed, which nah) speaks for half of the entire human race, right? Quality journamalism!
If women are so easy, why do men need pick-up artists?
On a related note, why are these men gullible enough to believe what is so obviously a fabricated bunch of crap?
(These questions are rhetorical. I already know the answers.)
Ah the anonymous, dead informant. The most reliable source after “a man in a pub”. I, for one, will take all of this as gospel truth and will base my life around these revelations.
Or possibly I’ll just keep trucking on in the same way as I used to and ignore these tidbits of information the same way that I ignore anything that’s attributed to the Daily Mail. 😛
♪ Claudia hat nen Schaeferhund
♪ und den hat sie nicht ohne Grund
♪ Abends springt er in ihr Bett
♪ Und dann geht es ruuund
Only German speakers are going to get that, but I just couldn’t resist. Sorry.
Also he once caught this really big fish, you guys. It got away. But it was totally real and like way huge.
Totaly for realisies.
And those grapes he can’t have are so sour. Like, they are just the worst. He is so much better off without those grapes he obsesses over.
These cold turds aren’t just intimidated by women and other men but by pets? How alpha of them.
Which, in turn, is slightly less reliable than “A friend of a friend” but more reliable than “My uncle who works for Nintendo.”
I can’t help but laugh at the idea that they think we are literally fucking everything and everyone, but them.
But they’re kings among men. They’re the best of the best. If only the world (house pets included) weren’t conspiring to keep their balls dry, they’d be so popular.
How much denial can these men be in? Lulz.
Is this supposed to be an absurd extension of believing the story of an anonymous source like the woman who accused roosh of rape? As in ‘If you believe that anonymous woman’s confession you have to believe every source on the Internet from now on, regardless of credibility or common sense’.
Okay, there are too many ridiculous things to pick on, so I’ll just stick to one: Wracking my brain, I can only think of one of my single female friends who has a male dog, and he is a) fixed, b) a Maltese–so, uh, no…
You know Lolallama, I think you maybe right. This does seem like it could be some sort of “got yea!” to try and expose us as hypocrites for believing the roosh rape victim but not believing ‘hot dead chick’.
I totally do have a girlfriend!
She lives in Canada and we see each other on vacation.
I was wondering if you would write about this David. It’s really fucking disgrace especially since many of us have friends and family with cancer and my best friend, a woman (oh no friendzone! *sarcasm*) herself has cancer. She is doing good though thank god. These people really have no level they will not sink to…
Interesting how reactionaries are always so eager to believe the One True Witness ™, the one black person who says racism doesn’t exist, the one woman who confirms all their suspicions, the one Latino who thinks there is no xenophobia. They embrace and love that person. All the other voices crying out are bogus lying liars who are tools for the liberal thought police. Or something.
Even assuming dying cancer woman is real (I don’t ), why is one woman’s opinion supposed to carry all the weight of what it means to be a woman? Why is she an authority?
Also, re Roosh and the potential “why won’t you believe our anonymous internet source when you believed that false rape accusing ?” Yeah, because believing a woman who is speaking about a specific event she experienced is exactly like believing one woman who purports to speak for a whole gender .
I’m a cat person, although I’ve had a number of dogs. Some of them were even male. But they weren’t there for the purpose of sex (ugh, seriously, “Bob”? You gross bastard!) They were guard dogs, and I used them to keep the Bobs of this world at bay, because I know for a fact that those wimps are scared shitless of even the most harmless, docile bowzers. Which mine all were…but they were BIG harmless, docile bowzers. Ha, ha.
I thought we made a pact never to tell about our fake insides. What if my husband finds out about my gall bladder job?
Yeah this is totally plausible. If I was on my deathbed, what I would do is tell a misogynistic fuckhead a bunch of bullshit about women.
Also loving the fact that even fictional cancer patients have to be super hot because ROK doodz only hang out with HB8+s of course.
Maybe this was Hot Dead Chick’s movie?
http://45.media.tumblr.com/c965a60e3408f58ffe5f8a8a1a7798f4/tumblr_nb774aI9Fg1rge9zro1_1280.gif
Hold it right there, bob.
I may not be a boob historian, but isn’t it common knowledge that breast augmentation surgery was developed in the 70s, and didn’t really take off until the mid to late 80s?
So how come a thirties dead hottie’s talking ’bout fake boobies here?
Also, aren’t women supposed to be into cats, not dogs?
Aren’t dogs more of a guy thing?
Does this mean that the reason my ex girlfriend’s german shepherd hated me so much was much more sinister than I thought?
Is my wife having an affair with our boxer?
Really, I thought the purpose behind sites like ROTK was giving us guys simple answers about those horrible women things, but this post just brings more questions. 😀
It is so funny to think that they think women have sex even with dogs, but just not with them.
I think I could understand if a woman chose to have sex with a dog rather than with any of them.
I’m sure the chemo only made her more of a hottie. Truly hot chicks don’t lose their looks to cancer. Cancer just helps them lose that last 5 pounds they needed to get rid of. /s
Also, hot dead chick used to drive a cab for Thomas Friedman.
Christ, I’ve actually met zoophiles and I can tell you the idea that nearly all female dog owners are zoophiles is ridiculous. Apparently you can’t spell alpha without gullible. Never change, RoK.
(Just stop existing altogether, please)
So women are so horny they’ll most likely sleep with dogs and pretty much any random asshat that they meet, but these guys suck so much that they need tricks to get these women to sleep with them?
I don’t think this is what they were going for, but yeah, way to point out what a bunch of dipsticks they are.