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Hot dead chick reveals dark female secrets to Return of Kings, including the dog stuff

Watch out boy she'll chew you up
Watch out boy she’ll chew you up

Ladies! The jig is up. Your deepest, darkest secrets have been revealed to the world at last, by one of your own. And they are more sordid than any of us dudes would have ever imagined.

Several years back, you see, there was this super-hot early-thirties hottie, and she was dying of cancer. But before she succumbed she decided to let her best male friend know the dirty secrets about women that the sisterhood tries so hard to keep men from learning,

It just so happened that this best male friend was a dude named, uh, let’s say “Bob Smith,” who now writes for the prestigious online publication Return of Kings, and he’s decided to reveal the shocking “inside information … regarding what women were really all about” to the men of the world.

Amazingly, the dark and dirty secrets the late hot chick revealed to Bob just happened to line up exactly with what misogynistic douchebags believe about women anyway. 

Apparently women are all a bunch of overgrown children who are

looking for our true daddies, basically – the idealized daddies that we never had – somebody who can … call us out on our bullshit and put us in our place.

Also, they’re totally a bunch of big fake phonies:

Our faces are fake (makeup), our hair is fake (dyed), our boobs are fake (some of us), everything about us is fake. Most especially when it comes to what is inside of us. 

And the revelations keep coming: Women are liars and cheaters and schemers who hate other women, whom they see mostly as competition, and themselves, because they know better than anyone else how terrible they are. And because they are basically masochists, the only men who truly light their fires are those who use them sexually,

then discard us like used toilet paper, and f**k our female friends afterwards, just because [they] can. (Just like we would do with his male friends.)

Remember, this is all SUPER TRUE because it was told by an ACTUAL HOT CHICK to someone who calls himself Bob Smith, and later published in the most reputable publication in the world.

Which means the dog stuff must be true, too.

But before we get to that we also need to deal with the REAL TRUE TRUTH about the female sex drive, which is that women are like a billion times hornier than men. In the words of the dead hot chick herself, which I have slightly censored,

Women are receptacles for [deleted], that’s how we have been biologically designed. Nothing feels better to us than being [deleted] [deleted] with multiple [deleted], than being the [deleted] of [deleted] [deleted], than being the [deleted] of unbridled [deleted] [deleted].

Ok, I might have gone a little bit overboard with the censorship there and made that very dirty passage seem even dirtier than it really was. I have to admit that some of the words I deleted, or possibly most of them, weren’t actually naughty at all. But trust me. It was pretty bad.

And we haven’t even gotten to the dogs yet.

Brace yourself.

Dead cancer hottie’s most disconcerting revelation is that women like dogs. As in, really like dogs, nudge nudge wink wink.

That is,

many women – many, many women – have sex with dogs on a routine basis. …

I can see why you might not believe it, to which I say, look really hard at all of the women you know who have dogs. Look at women who have dogs whenever you see them out on the street, in the act of walking those dogs. Or at the park. You will notice that most of them have male dogs – the vast majority, in fact. This isn’t a coincidence.

Fellas, I know you’re probably as shocked as I am. But remember: this was in Return of Kings, a publication renowned around the world for its rigorous fact-checking procedures, and

Oh, wait, I was thinking of The New Yorker.

This was on Return of Kings.

Which means “Bob Smith” was almost certainly just making it all up, dog stuff included. What a relief! Hot cancer girl probably never even existed!

Hell, I’m beginning to suspect that “Bob Smith” isn’t even his real name.

NOTE: In all seriousness, “Smith’s” post is so ludicrous I wonder if someone is pranking Return of Kings. But the commenters on RoK are eating it up and offering their own thoughts on women and dogs.

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Jenny
Jenny
4 years ago

Each one of us can write to Mary Honeyball, who is European parliamentary, and wants to finally ban Roosh and his army of fanatics that is terrorizing women for over 10 years now, from travelling:

Serial rapist Daryush Valizadeh, known on social media as Roosh V, has been accused of being “pro-rape” after advocating legalising rape on private premises as a means of reducing rape.

He has also been publically condemed for his 15 self-published books, which include titles such as “30 Bangs”, and YouTube videos giving advice to men on how to have sex with women.

Roosh V declares himself “the most hated man in the world”

Ashara Payne
Ashara Payne
4 years ago

Not really. Put simply, the human brain cannot comprehend infinity.
Much like quantum mechanics.

Imaginary Petal (formerly dhag85, trying out pronouns - they/their)
Imaginary Petal (formerly dhag85, trying out pronouns - they/their)
4 years ago

@EJ

This is why math isn’t real and should be abandoned.

dlouwe
dlouwe
4 years ago

@Alan,

Yeah, that’s generally the easiest one to grasp, as people do fairly intuitively understand how fractions work.

My best method for getting rid of that “tiny little bit left over” is to ask “What is 0.99′ subtracted from 1?” Or “What number is bigger than 0.99′ and smaller than 1?” Since I’m unable to intuit a nonzero answer, my intuition will finally surrender to the maths.

@EJ

Gods, I used to take solace in the idea that the number of integers was just a “bigger infinity” than the number of even integers. What am I supposed to do with my life now??

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

@ Dlouwe

Funnily enough that’s the one that sets me off the other way. I envisage an answer along the lines of 0.0000………infinity………..01.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
4 years ago

@dlouwe:
There are indeed bigger and smaller infinities. We use aleph-numbers to denote them. For example, the set of all real numbers is larger than the set of all integers: it’s aleph-one* rather than aleph-zero.

If it helps, picture it as a dimensional thing. The number of integers is like an infinitely long line: it’s infinite, yes, but only in one dimension. By contrast, the number of real numbers is like an infinitely large piece of paper: it’s infinite in length and in breadth. They’re both infinite but one is infinite in more dimensions than the other, ergo larger.

You can have higher orders of infinity than aleph-one, which you can think of as being larger in the same way that three-dimensional stuff is larger than two-dimensional, and so on. There are, in fact, infinitely many orders of infinity.

You’re going to ask me whether there are aleph-zero orders of infinity or whether it’s a larger infinity, and I’m afraid I don’t know the answer to that.

—–

*We think this is true. The set of all real numbers might be larger than aleph-one. It’s something that mathematicians are working on. Solving it ties into the Axiom of Choice, which is… look, ask a real mathematician. I’m just a humble physicist.

dlouwe
dlouwe
4 years ago

@EJ

Yes, that actually makes a lot of sense. Basically in order for an infinite set to be considered “bigger” than another, it needs to be on a whole other order of magnitude, yeah? So while the total number of integers is intuitively “twice” the number of even integers, it’s not an appreciable difference, since they both “grow” at the same rate.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
4 years ago

@dlouwe:
That’s a good way of putting it, yes.

Moggie
Moggie
4 years ago

msexceptiontotherule:

I should probably kick you in the shins for the mental image I’ve got of goat-aliens-with-tentacles-that-have-suckers-for-wall-clinging. I just *know* it’s going to be the sort of thing I’ll have nightmares about.

Iä! Shub-Niggurath! The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young!

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

“One, two, many” is good enough for my dog so it’s good enough for me.

msexceptiontotherule
msexceptiontotherule
4 years ago

@Skiriki

For why? What did Katie ever do to you!?
Can you maybe put it on a mug? Or a mouse pad? You know…because if I’m going to have nightmares about an alien-goat-hybrid-tentacled-freaky-thing I should at least be able to get something useful like a new mouse pad emblazoned with the image. And the s/o might faint at seeing it, which means I won’t be the only one in this household having nightmares about the alien-goat-hybrid-tentacled-freaky-thing. This would make me feel infinitely better about the situation. 😛

@Moggie

Oh no you don’t. There will be no forests/woods or evil black goats. Don’t you go there, and don’t make me go there either. I’ve got enough to worry about with the alien-goat-hybrid-tentacled-freaky-thing as it is!

Grace
Grace
4 years ago

EJ: I’m going to assume you’ve already heard “Banned from Aleph”, but just in case…

Orion
Orion
4 years ago

Did anyone else have the problem I had with Monty Hall? I saw right away that it was best to switch, but I expected a 50% win rate, not 66%.

EJ (The Other One)
4 years ago

That’s magnificent. Thanks Grace, I hadn’t heard it before!

Harri Karri
Harri Karri
4 years ago

Screwing the dog? I thought the manosphere insults were solely about fat ladies who lived with 20 cats.

kupo
kupo
4 years ago

@Orion
That’s the same as I figure. We’ve only seen one choice, so if we remove that I see the remaining choices as being 50/50. But I know the math proves otherwise, so I accept it.

Skiriki
Skiriki
4 years ago

msexceptiontotherule:

For why? What did Katie ever do to you!?

Do we capricious and malicious feeeeee-males need a reason? 😉

Can you maybe put it on a mug? Or a mouse pad?

Absolutely! Or a calendar or wallpaper or…

You know…because if I’m going to have nightmares about an alien-goat-hybrid-tentacled-freaky-thing I should at least be able to get something useful like a new mouse pad emblazoned with the image. And the s/o might faint at seeing it, which means I won’t be the only one in this household having nightmares about the alien-goat-hybrid-tentacled-freaky-thing. This would make me feel infinitely better about the situation. 😀

Procrastination for the win, here we go, opening my software… expect results later. 😛

Skiriki
Skiriki
4 years ago

Oh hey, before rendering engines are go, rumor mill says Heartiste got banned and Adam Baldwin left Twitter in a huff.

kupo
kupo
4 years ago

@Skiriki
Oh, I bet Baldwin’s flounce was entertaining.

Skiriki
Skiriki
4 years ago

kupo:
If you can believe this, yes, yes it is.

https://twitter.com/2dAmMuslim/status/701983537210245120

Let’s hope he’ll head to Quitter instead.

https://twitter.com/randileeharper/status/701955062906515456

Oh.

Kat
Kat
4 years ago

@Ashara Payne

Put simply, the human brain cannot comprehend infinity.

Contemplate? Yes.
Comprehend? No.

GenJones
GenJones
4 years ago

Let’s be real though, dogs make much better people than these human skidmarks.

Skiriki
Skiriki
4 years ago

msexceptiontotherule (and everyone else):

I have found a picture to prove my hypothesis of goats and tentacles, so wander over here:

http://skiriki.deviantart.com/art/The-Secret-Lives-Of-Goats-592615131

My evidence is just as strong as manuresphere memes! See? I was right, even if I had to make a pic myself to prove it!

Feel free to do whatever you like with it.

otrame
otrame
4 years ago

@Skiriki

I am new here, and this may be a frequently used word, but I love “manuresphere”. It’s…appropriate.

Skiriki
Skiriki
4 years ago

otrame: Isn’t it so? Of course, downside is that manure is actually useful and can be quite healthy basis for things to grow. On the other hand, weeds also love it, as well as all kinds of toxic plants as well… and tetanus loves anaerobic environment and is often found from horseshit, so maybe it is apt.

Imaginary Petal (formerly dhag85, trying out pronouns - they/their)
Imaginary Petal (formerly dhag85, trying out pronouns - they/their)
4 years ago

Am I the only one seeing Ashara Payne’s comment as the latest one, no matter how many comments are posted after it?

Matt
Matt
4 years ago

Shorter RoK: “Don’t worry, furry readers! You are not alone, this deceased hot chick we totes didn’t make up is into dog-mongling TOO!”

Dalillama
Dalillama
4 years ago

@ Imaginary Petal
I also see that.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
4 years ago

I see it too. Ashara also uses the now-disabled “reply” function to posts sometimes, so I think she might be using a WordPress client with some interesting quirks.

Ashara Payne
Ashara Payne
4 years ago

Hmm, odd.
I’m just using an iPhone and Safari. Once I’ve commented for the first time, I tend to just read emails and reply from there.