It’s that Pink Elephant phenomenon. As soon as you tell someone not to worry about something they will inevitably think about it anyway and feel concerned. When potential creepers pre empt themselves with “Don’t worry I won’t do X” it has a name, Captain Awkward mentioned it, but I can’t remember what the name is. It IS however a reason to be concerned when they do that because a) they could have totally innocent intentions, they’re just aware of the world we live in and what a woman might think when being alone and approached by a stranger. But b) it might instead mean that they ARE creepers, what they said they wouldn’t do is exactly what’s on their mind and yes, they plan to do it. But they want you to believe that they won’t, first of all, so that they have the element of surprise.
Alan Robertshaw
8 years ago
@ Eonid
TvTropes calls this the “suspiciously specific denial”.
kupo
8 years ago
Is there any way for us to share our FCs without posting them here where MRAs can see them?
Just thought I’d mention that FCs need to be mutual before you can see anything or connect in any way. If Alice enters Bob’s FC all she can see is the entry she put in her list until Bob adds Alice’s FC, at which point, name, online availability, game being played, etc. become visible. It’s one of the things lots of core gamers find to be a “flaw” in Nintendo’s strategy while parents and people wanting safety online love it.
Name is Futile
8 years ago
I would post something longuer, however you all seem to have your hands full.
I am new here, though I’ve already posted a comment once or twice. I suppose I am an able bodied, upper-middle class cis, mostly straight male of 19 y/o.
Yet I feel you all.
SJA, I can’t imagine the pain you are going through. This wont help much, but I believe your father needs a buckload of notion. Judging by the few things you’ve mentioned, he seems to have yet to realize that his actions hav consequences, and that his family is made of people, not objects. Ence him not getting that your overall problems stem (not just, but also) from his actions, and prefers to tell others what to do and feel instead of telling himself. There is little more to do than to tell you than that I feel you, and that I send you tight hugs. They are incredibly helpful.
Winter_Sky, I understand. And I empathize. I’d like to say more, but I really don’t know what to say, and other people seem more knowledge in this area than me.
I would talk about my problems, but I can that, compared to all of yours, mine are just details (and I’m not being dismissive. They really are).
So, I would like to say that all of you, at least here, on a comment section, are incredible people capable of love, and that seems so rare in the internet. Please, keep being great.
Nikki the Bluth Wannabe
8 years ago
Social Justice Atheist, I agree that CBT might be a good option for you. I haven’t personally done it, but from what I’ve read, it seems to work really well for people who don’t respond well to talk therapy.
winter_sky, I don’t really have anything to add right now other than you are worthy.
Dr. Thang, I would recommend talk therapy (which I’ve done) for you, not out of impatience or an unwillingness to listen to you, but because you expressed feelings that no one is willing to listen and a good therapist is basically someone who makes their living by listening to people. Regardless of whether or not you accept my suggestion of talk therapy, keep talking to people on this thread and to anyone else you think might be sympathetic-you can never have too many people listening to you.
For anyone who’s had antidepressants recommended to them but worries about side effects: I have a mild (possibly mild-to-moderate) anxiety disorder, and my GP once recommended that I take antidepressants. When I expressed concern about the potential side effects, she wrote the script and told me to take the pills home from the pharmacy, hang on to them, and only start taking them if my anxiety started to overwhelm me beyond what I felt I could handle. That was about two years ago, and the pills are still in their bottle in my bedroom drawer, untouched. I think just the knowledge that the pills are there and I can try them anytime I need to comforts me. Maybe that middle ground between taking antidepressants and not could help someone else?
Leda Atomica
8 years ago
There was a similar thing on Jimmy Kimmel, he asked his viewers to tell their loved ones: “I didn’t do anything to the coffee.” Which was of course true, but would you drink the coffee?
Alan Robertshaw
8 years ago
@ Leda
Theres a story, possibly apocryphal, that John West originally could only buy white salmon because the pink salmon market was cornered. So they sold the white stuff with the marketing slogan “guaranteed not to turn pink in the tin”, which totally put people off their rivals’ products.
@Imaginary Petal
Aww, looks a little like my doofus.
Edit: Boo, can’t seem to link it from Dropbox even though it’s public. I’ll have to sign up for one of those imgur thingies the kids all have these days.
Kat
8 years ago
@Dr. Thang
I haven’t read everyone’s comments yet, but I did read yours all the way through.
I’m gonna echo what Nikki the Bluth Wannabe said: talk therapy. If your budget can’t handle that, look for low-cost or free therapy. Or peer counseling.
Also consider volunteer work. When you help others, you feel good and you gain more perspective on your own problems.
I’m a hippie so I recommend that you check out flower remedies online. A bunch of online stores sell them. Maybe there’s a remedy that would suit you. Their effects are subtle and they’re inexpensive.
Like you, sometimes I feel very sad but I’m not going to check out. No way. It’s my life and I’ll live it as long as my body is compatible with life.
Finally, relationships can be very difficult. People have trouble dealing with their issues. They have trouble communicating. They’re immature. Etcetera! I’m sorry that your relationship went south. I hope that at some point you’ll be able to remember the good things and focus less on the ending.
Dr. Thang, good luck!
kupo
8 years ago
My fuzzballs tend to get excited when I point the camera at them, so it’s hard to get a good photo. Here’s a photo of Pepper brushing herself.
I’m being cyberstalked. I’ve come close to mentioning it before, but I haven’t, because I know she reads WHTM. And every other website she knows I’m active on. So that’s uncomfortable, and it means saying anything in public goes against the advice not to provoke or escalate. And, despite everything, I don’t want to hurt her feelings.
But it’s really getting to me right now. I feel like it shouldn’t be, or I shouldn’t complain, for all the stupid reasons victims doubt themselves. I don’t think she’s dangerous, I could just ignore her, I haven’t been a model victim, I’ve encouraged her in some ways, I haven’t defended my boundaries consistently and umambiguously, I owe her an explanation, etc., etc.
7 years ago we met when I spent a few months in a foreign country. I tried to stay friends with her when I came home. I was so lonely isolated back then that I tolerated a lot discomfort and kind of led her on because I was afraid of losing her attention. I’ve tried to cut off contact several times, sometimes done so for a year or more, but repeatedly started talking again out of loneliness or guilt. Sh’es tried to contact me almost every day for the past 7 years, either in personal email or by forwarding articles to me. Sometimes I’ve filtered her email out, but something gets through when I search a keyword or she changes her address. Sometimes when that’s happened I’ve given her another chance.
I don’t think she has any info on me I didn’t give her, but it feels that way because she uses it long after I’ve forgotten about it. For example, she doesn’t play RPGs. Sometime around 2011 I wrote an article on an RPG forum and sent her a link. We never discussed it again, but in 2015 she suddenly emailed me about a post I had made the day before. This January I deleted a WordPress blog that contained a grand total of 3 posts from 2012 and she wrote me the next day to ask why.
I ask her to stop reading my posts but she won’t. Sometimes she tries to break up with me even though we’ve never dated. Sometimes she offers to leave her fiance for me even though I’ve never asked her to. A couple days ago she found a new way to get to me. She decided to “help” me by signing me up for newsletters and job sites. On a practical level it doesn’t matter, but when I think about her typing in my name and email I feel so violated.
I feel like the “right” thing to do is just block her and stop worrying about it, but it’s hard. I want to launch a new blog and some other projects. I’d like to use this account but I just hate the idea of her seeing any of it and I wonder about whether I should just abandon this identity and start over. I just wish I never had to think about her again.
kupo
8 years ago
@Orion
I’m sorry you’re going through that. I wish I had some good advice for you. I hope she finds something more constructive to focus on and gives you some space.
Eonid
8 years ago
@ Orion
That sounds wretched. It would be like listening to a dripping tap in an empty, silent house; one drip is no big deal. A thousand drips is torture.
We don’t know each other, but I have your back. I hope you get some relief.
Robert
8 years ago
My son’s SSI card showed up! According to all sources, it comes live on 3/1. I plan to take him out to the movies to celebrate. He’s still not taking meds for his schizophrenia. The school district has scheduled an Individual Educational Plan meeting for this coming Thursday, so we can remind them that we had an assessment and evaluation done for him last year. I may refrain from telling them that Social Security responded faster than they did.
Younger brother is doing quite well. He’s been off meds for almost a year and keeps doing well. He and I are developing a real human relationship, which is a great relief.
Curious milestone – older son got his first jury summons. We’ll have his psychiatrist write him a note.
Oh, and the IRS sent me a letter, acknowledging that I was right and they were wrong, and that I actually owed zero dollars for 2012 just like I’ve been telling them. That was a pleasure to read, let me tell you.
Social Justice Atheist
8 years ago
Damn it, I’ve been saying I need to go to bed but for the life of me can’t fall asleep. I probably need to get off the computer/WHTM so I can actually get some sleep. Damn you, insomnia. Seriously. And it’s a school night too. 🙁
@Orion
I’m really sorry you are going through that. I wouldn’t be the best advice-giver in this situation because I’ve never been through anything like that, but she needs to get a life. Like seriously, what is wrong with some people? Sending you my best wishes, and hope everything works out ok.
@Robert
Congrats! 🙂
@ Name is Futile
I appreciate the empathy/sympathy more than you know. I am sending you virtual hugs and good vibes as well. And don’t feel guilty or think your problems are trivial because they are not. Everyone deserves empathy and to be heard, no matter how big or small their problems may seem. There is more than enough love to go around in this world to care about and listen to everyone. At least I think so.
Little update on my situation: (might as well tell everyone while I’m still up) I went to the school counselor today (well technically yesterday cause it’s midnight where I live) and it was just as I feared. She basically told me that my BED was selfish because I had the “privilege” of bingeing while others in the world were starving. She also pretty much implied that I wasn’t trying hard enough with my school, even though I spend hours studying during the week and on weekends with my tutor. She did suggest however that maybe I should be in Special Ed, which I kind of agree with because I think it could help a lot. But anyway, sorry if this is TL;DR and sorry for commenting so much on this thread. I don’t want to detract from others’ problems on here or make this all about me. And I need to quit spending so much time on here and get myself to bed! Goodnight and the very best wishes to everyone going through things, no matter how small or unimportant they may seem to you. Everyone’s problems are important. 🙂
Hunger and low blood sugar can cripple your ability to concentrate or exert energy to solve problems. Obsessive thoughts and low mood don’t help.
You may in fact have a learning disorder of some kind. They’re more common than most people think, and frequently not diagnosed. Smart and very smart people have them too, and often the smarter you are the longer it goes unnoticed. There’s no harm in getting checked out, and if you know you struggle with a specific kind of task, or you know what your school’s special ed is like and it sounds good, or if any other professional suggests it, I think you should look into it.
I also think your school counselor sounds clueless and judgmental and that she clearly has no idea how serious the shit you’re going through is. Please give yourself some credit for the fights you fight every day before you even think about schoolwork, before you start to doubt your abilities.
There’s no harm and no shame in trying every kind of help available, but if it comes to a choice between spending your time and money on your health or spending it investigating your brain, I would bet money that staying healthy is the best thing you could do for your grades.
IIRC you’re French and I’m South African. Does that prevent us from being degenerate?
I’m afraid I don’t get the joke. Also, French? Oh my stars and garters! No, I am American. So very, very American that pretty much all my formative experiences are America-specific kind of deals.
My grandparents are 3 white Americans and one Mexican immigrant. I grew up an atheist in a country where atheism is controversial. I played D&D in one of the historic capitals of D&D fandom. Until age 17, I enjoyed “Unschooling,” the most American system of education ever devised. I was raised in the Libertarian Party. At age 17, I enrolled in perhaps the most American of all American universities, University of Chicago. Since then I’ve enjoyed other hallowed American traditions such being totally isolated by my inability to drive a car, being unable to rent an apartment because of defaulted student loans, and failing to get disability benefits.
@Orion I’m sorry that’s happening to you. It’s gross, and quite a creepy and uncomfortable feeling. You don’t have to be a “model victim” in order for stalkerish behavior to be recognized and condemned as harassment. No one asks to have their life monitored by an obsessive person, or to repeatedly be subject to such a person’s attention-seeking behavior. I hope if the culprit is reading this thread she will realize how very inappropriate and unwelcome her behavior is and will leave you alone, but I realize the chances of that are quite slim.
@SJA: that school counselor sounds like a bootstrapping horror who harbors a head full of negative stereotypes about “today’s coddled students” or some such. Fortunately you had a heads-up on her attitude from your friends, but it appalls me that unqualified, willfully uninformed, and unsympathetic people like this can retain jobs in which they are supposed to be helping vulnerable people, but instead have the potential to do great harm. Ugh. I’m sure some students haven’t gotten the memo that she’s ineffective and a blamer, and it’s sad to think they’re taking her attitude about their struggles to heart.
I must say that you seem like a very level-headed and well-adjusted person with a high degree of self understanding. You also express yourself well and clearly, and have a nuanced grasp of all the concepts you’ve been commenting on in this blog. You may indeed have special learning needs that are not being addressed or accommodated at school. Trying to find solutions to the particular academic problems you’re having probably won’t do your schoolwork any harm, but please don’t let the school system you’re in label you in a way that limits your potential.
@Name Is Futile – welcome aboard! Of course your concerns are worth attention from others even when they are going through their own problems. It’s not a zero-sum game.
Kat
8 years ago
My cats send kitty kisses to everyone who would like them.
@Orion
Cyberstalked?! That’s just horrible. I wish you all the best in dealing with this.
@Robert
I’m glad things are going well for you and your sons. That’s good news on the IRS front!
@Social Justice Atheist
Guilt tripping you for an eating disorder is unlikely to help. I hope that you’re able to get some help with this issue.
And yeah, WHTM is way too addictive!
EJ (The Other One)
8 years ago
@Orion:
I’m afraid I don’t get the joke.
The Pauli Exclusion Principle is one of the basic ideas of quantum physics. It states that two identical fermions cannot occupy the same quantum state at the same time; put into English it means that any two things must be distinguishable from one another in at least some way. A pair of particles which violate Pauli exclusion are said to be “degenerate”, meaning that they may well be the same particle.
In this case I am suggesting that because you and I are not easily distinguishable we can be said to be degenerate.
Also, French? Oh my stars and garters! No, I am American. So very, very American that pretty much all my formative experiences are America-specific kind of deals.
My apologies for misremembering. You do sound about as American as it’s possible for a white person to be. Also, Chicago is a nice town.
Also, did you see my comment on your blog?
I did. It was intelligently written and contained a lot of ideas which have evidently been thought through very carefully, and I want to take the time to respond to it in the same spirit. You’ve also referenced things like queer, privilege and exclusion which are very important but which I didn’t mention in the initial piece in order to make it more widely accessible; to reply properly I’m going to have to consider what I say very carefully. The ante, in order words, has been upped.
You also took like two months to write it so I might have to do the same. 😛
ETA: Also, all my support on the stalking thing. I’ve had it happen to me and it was deeply unpleasant. Nobody deserves to feel that unsafe.
We Hunted The Mammoth
@Eonid
It’s that Pink Elephant phenomenon. As soon as you tell someone not to worry about something they will inevitably think about it anyway and feel concerned. When potential creepers pre empt themselves with “Don’t worry I won’t do X” it has a name, Captain Awkward mentioned it, but I can’t remember what the name is. It IS however a reason to be concerned when they do that because a) they could have totally innocent intentions, they’re just aware of the world we live in and what a woman might think when being alone and approached by a stranger. But b) it might instead mean that they ARE creepers, what they said they wouldn’t do is exactly what’s on their mind and yes, they plan to do it. But they want you to believe that they won’t, first of all, so that they have the element of surprise.
@ Eonid
TvTropes calls this the “suspiciously specific denial”.
Just thought I’d mention that FCs need to be mutual before you can see anything or connect in any way. If Alice enters Bob’s FC all she can see is the entry she put in her list until Bob adds Alice’s FC, at which point, name, online availability, game being played, etc. become visible. It’s one of the things lots of core gamers find to be a “flaw” in Nintendo’s strategy while parents and people wanting safety online love it.
I would post something longuer, however you all seem to have your hands full.
I am new here, though I’ve already posted a comment once or twice. I suppose I am an able bodied, upper-middle class cis, mostly straight male of 19 y/o.
Yet I feel you all.
SJA, I can’t imagine the pain you are going through. This wont help much, but I believe your father needs a buckload of notion. Judging by the few things you’ve mentioned, he seems to have yet to realize that his actions hav consequences, and that his family is made of people, not objects. Ence him not getting that your overall problems stem (not just, but also) from his actions, and prefers to tell others what to do and feel instead of telling himself. There is little more to do than to tell you than that I feel you, and that I send you tight hugs. They are incredibly helpful.
Winter_Sky, I understand. And I empathize. I’d like to say more, but I really don’t know what to say, and other people seem more knowledge in this area than me.
I would talk about my problems, but I can that, compared to all of yours, mine are just details (and I’m not being dismissive. They really are).
So, I would like to say that all of you, at least here, on a comment section, are incredible people capable of love, and that seems so rare in the internet. Please, keep being great.
Social Justice Atheist, I agree that CBT might be a good option for you. I haven’t personally done it, but from what I’ve read, it seems to work really well for people who don’t respond well to talk therapy.
winter_sky, I don’t really have anything to add right now other than you are worthy.
Dr. Thang, I would recommend talk therapy (which I’ve done) for you, not out of impatience or an unwillingness to listen to you, but because you expressed feelings that no one is willing to listen and a good therapist is basically someone who makes their living by listening to people. Regardless of whether or not you accept my suggestion of talk therapy, keep talking to people on this thread and to anyone else you think might be sympathetic-you can never have too many people listening to you.
For anyone who’s had antidepressants recommended to them but worries about side effects: I have a mild (possibly mild-to-moderate) anxiety disorder, and my GP once recommended that I take antidepressants. When I expressed concern about the potential side effects, she wrote the script and told me to take the pills home from the pharmacy, hang on to them, and only start taking them if my anxiety started to overwhelm me beyond what I felt I could handle. That was about two years ago, and the pills are still in their bottle in my bedroom drawer, untouched. I think just the knowledge that the pills are there and I can try them anytime I need to comforts me. Maybe that middle ground between taking antidepressants and not could help someone else?
There was a similar thing on Jimmy Kimmel, he asked his viewers to tell their loved ones: “I didn’t do anything to the coffee.” Which was of course true, but would you drink the coffee?
@ Leda
Theres a story, possibly apocryphal, that John West originally could only buy white salmon because the pink salmon market was cornered. So they sold the white stuff with the marketing slogan “guaranteed not to turn pink in the tin”, which totally put people off their rivals’ products.
authorialAlchemy: It’s cute, but it lacks foreshortening and perspective, which makes it look flat.
What’s it for? Portfolio, class, just for fun?
@kupo
Thanks! Didn’t know that.
In that case, my FC is 3780-9566-3935
I’m having a craptacular day at work, so here are kitties.
http://static.fjcdn.com/gifs/Sneaky+Stupid+Cat_1c6ee6_4361187.gif
http://i386.photobucket.com/albums/oo309/captiveww/maru_brushing.gif
http://comediva.com/images/stories/2013/CatWithLizardGif.gif
@kupo
I give you my lesser known cat
http://i374.photobucket.com/albums/oo188/dhag85/Mobile%20Uploads/20160221_154522_zpszwkad18j.jpg
@Imaginary Petal
Aww, looks a little like my doofus.
Edit: Boo, can’t seem to link it from Dropbox even though it’s public. I’ll have to sign up for one of those imgur thingies the kids all have these days.
@Dr. Thang
I haven’t read everyone’s comments yet, but I did read yours all the way through.
I’m gonna echo what Nikki the Bluth Wannabe said: talk therapy. If your budget can’t handle that, look for low-cost or free therapy. Or peer counseling.
Also consider volunteer work. When you help others, you feel good and you gain more perspective on your own problems.
I’m a hippie so I recommend that you check out flower remedies online. A bunch of online stores sell them. Maybe there’s a remedy that would suit you. Their effects are subtle and they’re inexpensive.
Like you, sometimes I feel very sad but I’m not going to check out. No way. It’s my life and I’ll live it as long as my body is compatible with life.
Finally, relationships can be very difficult. People have trouble dealing with their issues. They have trouble communicating. They’re immature. Etcetera! I’m sorry that your relationship went south. I hope that at some point you’ll be able to remember the good things and focus less on the ending.
Dr. Thang, good luck!
My fuzzballs tend to get excited when I point the camera at them, so it’s hard to get a good photo. Here’s a photo of Pepper brushing herself.
http://i.imgur.com/6jrlRpa.jpg
I’m being cyberstalked. I’ve come close to mentioning it before, but I haven’t, because I know she reads WHTM. And every other website she knows I’m active on. So that’s uncomfortable, and it means saying anything in public goes against the advice not to provoke or escalate. And, despite everything, I don’t want to hurt her feelings.
But it’s really getting to me right now. I feel like it shouldn’t be, or I shouldn’t complain, for all the stupid reasons victims doubt themselves. I don’t think she’s dangerous, I could just ignore her, I haven’t been a model victim, I’ve encouraged her in some ways, I haven’t defended my boundaries consistently and umambiguously, I owe her an explanation, etc., etc.
7 years ago we met when I spent a few months in a foreign country. I tried to stay friends with her when I came home. I was so lonely isolated back then that I tolerated a lot discomfort and kind of led her on because I was afraid of losing her attention. I’ve tried to cut off contact several times, sometimes done so for a year or more, but repeatedly started talking again out of loneliness or guilt. Sh’es tried to contact me almost every day for the past 7 years, either in personal email or by forwarding articles to me. Sometimes I’ve filtered her email out, but something gets through when I search a keyword or she changes her address. Sometimes when that’s happened I’ve given her another chance.
I don’t think she has any info on me I didn’t give her, but it feels that way because she uses it long after I’ve forgotten about it. For example, she doesn’t play RPGs. Sometime around 2011 I wrote an article on an RPG forum and sent her a link. We never discussed it again, but in 2015 she suddenly emailed me about a post I had made the day before. This January I deleted a WordPress blog that contained a grand total of 3 posts from 2012 and she wrote me the next day to ask why.
I ask her to stop reading my posts but she won’t. Sometimes she tries to break up with me even though we’ve never dated. Sometimes she offers to leave her fiance for me even though I’ve never asked her to. A couple days ago she found a new way to get to me. She decided to “help” me by signing me up for newsletters and job sites. On a practical level it doesn’t matter, but when I think about her typing in my name and email I feel so violated.
I feel like the “right” thing to do is just block her and stop worrying about it, but it’s hard. I want to launch a new blog and some other projects. I’d like to use this account but I just hate the idea of her seeing any of it and I wonder about whether I should just abandon this identity and start over. I just wish I never had to think about her again.
@Orion
I’m sorry you’re going through that. I wish I had some good advice for you. I hope she finds something more constructive to focus on and gives you some space.
@ Orion
That sounds wretched. It would be like listening to a dripping tap in an empty, silent house; one drip is no big deal. A thousand drips is torture.
We don’t know each other, but I have your back. I hope you get some relief.
My son’s SSI card showed up! According to all sources, it comes live on 3/1. I plan to take him out to the movies to celebrate. He’s still not taking meds for his schizophrenia. The school district has scheduled an Individual Educational Plan meeting for this coming Thursday, so we can remind them that we had an assessment and evaluation done for him last year. I may refrain from telling them that Social Security responded faster than they did.
Younger brother is doing quite well. He’s been off meds for almost a year and keeps doing well. He and I are developing a real human relationship, which is a great relief.
Curious milestone – older son got his first jury summons. We’ll have his psychiatrist write him a note.
Oh, and the IRS sent me a letter, acknowledging that I was right and they were wrong, and that I actually owed zero dollars for 2012 just like I’ve been telling them. That was a pleasure to read, let me tell you.
Damn it, I’ve been saying I need to go to bed but for the life of me can’t fall asleep. I probably need to get off the computer/WHTM so I can actually get some sleep. Damn you, insomnia. Seriously. And it’s a school night too. 🙁
@Orion
I’m really sorry you are going through that. I wouldn’t be the best advice-giver in this situation because I’ve never been through anything like that, but she needs to get a life. Like seriously, what is wrong with some people? Sending you my best wishes, and hope everything works out ok.
@Robert
Congrats! 🙂
@ Name is Futile
I appreciate the empathy/sympathy more than you know. I am sending you virtual hugs and good vibes as well. And don’t feel guilty or think your problems are trivial because they are not. Everyone deserves empathy and to be heard, no matter how big or small their problems may seem. There is more than enough love to go around in this world to care about and listen to everyone. At least I think so.
Little update on my situation: (might as well tell everyone while I’m still up) I went to the school counselor today (well technically yesterday cause it’s midnight where I live) and it was just as I feared. She basically told me that my BED was selfish because I had the “privilege” of bingeing while others in the world were starving. She also pretty much implied that I wasn’t trying hard enough with my school, even though I spend hours studying during the week and on weekends with my tutor. She did suggest however that maybe I should be in Special Ed, which I kind of agree with because I think it could help a lot. But anyway, sorry if this is TL;DR and sorry for commenting so much on this thread. I don’t want to detract from others’ problems on here or make this all about me. And I need to quit spending so much time on here and get myself to bed! Goodnight and the very best wishes to everyone going through things, no matter how small or unimportant they may seem to you. Everyone’s problems are important. 🙂
SJA,
Hunger and low blood sugar can cripple your ability to concentrate or exert energy to solve problems. Obsessive thoughts and low mood don’t help.
You may in fact have a learning disorder of some kind. They’re more common than most people think, and frequently not diagnosed. Smart and very smart people have them too, and often the smarter you are the longer it goes unnoticed. There’s no harm in getting checked out, and if you know you struggle with a specific kind of task, or you know what your school’s special ed is like and it sounds good, or if any other professional suggests it, I think you should look into it.
I also think your school counselor sounds clueless and judgmental and that she clearly has no idea how serious the shit you’re going through is. Please give yourself some credit for the fights you fight every day before you even think about schoolwork, before you start to doubt your abilities.
There’s no harm and no shame in trying every kind of help available, but if it comes to a choice between spending your time and money on your health or spending it investigating your brain, I would bet money that staying healthy is the best thing you could do for your grades.
EJ,
I’m afraid I don’t get the joke. Also, French? Oh my stars and garters! No, I am American. So very, very American that pretty much all my formative experiences are America-specific kind of deals.
My grandparents are 3 white Americans and one Mexican immigrant. I grew up an atheist in a country where atheism is controversial. I played D&D in one of the historic capitals of D&D fandom. Until age 17, I enjoyed “Unschooling,” the most American system of education ever devised. I was raised in the Libertarian Party. At age 17, I enrolled in perhaps the most American of all American universities, University of Chicago. Since then I’ve enjoyed other hallowed American traditions such being totally isolated by my inability to drive a car, being unable to rent an apartment because of defaulted student loans, and failing to get disability benefits.
Also, did you see my comment on your blog?
@Orion I’m sorry that’s happening to you. It’s gross, and quite a creepy and uncomfortable feeling. You don’t have to be a “model victim” in order for stalkerish behavior to be recognized and condemned as harassment. No one asks to have their life monitored by an obsessive person, or to repeatedly be subject to such a person’s attention-seeking behavior. I hope if the culprit is reading this thread she will realize how very inappropriate and unwelcome her behavior is and will leave you alone, but I realize the chances of that are quite slim.
@SJA: that school counselor sounds like a bootstrapping horror who harbors a head full of negative stereotypes about “today’s coddled students” or some such. Fortunately you had a heads-up on her attitude from your friends, but it appalls me that unqualified, willfully uninformed, and unsympathetic people like this can retain jobs in which they are supposed to be helping vulnerable people, but instead have the potential to do great harm. Ugh. I’m sure some students haven’t gotten the memo that she’s ineffective and a blamer, and it’s sad to think they’re taking her attitude about their struggles to heart.
I must say that you seem like a very level-headed and well-adjusted person with a high degree of self understanding. You also express yourself well and clearly, and have a nuanced grasp of all the concepts you’ve been commenting on in this blog. You may indeed have special learning needs that are not being addressed or accommodated at school. Trying to find solutions to the particular academic problems you’re having probably won’t do your schoolwork any harm, but please don’t let the school system you’re in label you in a way that limits your potential.
@Name Is Futile – welcome aboard! Of course your concerns are worth attention from others even when they are going through their own problems. It’s not a zero-sum game.
My cats send kitty kisses to everyone who would like them.
@Orion
Cyberstalked?! That’s just horrible. I wish you all the best in dealing with this.
@Robert
I’m glad things are going well for you and your sons. That’s good news on the IRS front!
@Social Justice Atheist
Guilt tripping you for an eating disorder is unlikely to help. I hope that you’re able to get some help with this issue.
And yeah, WHTM is way too addictive!
@Orion:
The Pauli Exclusion Principle is one of the basic ideas of quantum physics. It states that two identical fermions cannot occupy the same quantum state at the same time; put into English it means that any two things must be distinguishable from one another in at least some way. A pair of particles which violate Pauli exclusion are said to be “degenerate”, meaning that they may well be the same particle.
In this case I am suggesting that because you and I are not easily distinguishable we can be said to be degenerate.
My apologies for misremembering. You do sound about as American as it’s possible for a white person to be. Also, Chicago is a nice town.
I did. It was intelligently written and contained a lot of ideas which have evidently been thought through very carefully, and I want to take the time to respond to it in the same spirit. You’ve also referenced things like queer, privilege and exclusion which are very important but which I didn’t mention in the initial piece in order to make it more widely accessible; to reply properly I’m going to have to consider what I say very carefully. The ante, in order words, has been upped.
You also took like two months to write it so I might have to do the same. 😛
ETA: Also, all my support on the stalking thing. I’ve had it happen to me and it was deeply unpleasant. Nobody deserves to feel that unsafe.
@ EJ
Ooh, where’s your blog?