Social Justice Athiest.
So sorry to hear of all your troubles. I am new on the block, but felt I had to throw in a few comments. When I look at the bulk of “mental health” problems and by mental health I only mean that it is your head that is hurting, not your leg etc – not necesarily a big thing. I believe that so many of them are what I term – “A perfectly rational response to irrational circumstances”.
What that means is that given what you have had to face, it is hardly surprising that you feel like you are going under. If you did not feel that way, well THEN I WOULD be worried, becuase if you dont FEEL, that means you might be a psychopath!!! You feel and you hurt kiddo. That means that you are absolutely 1000% normal. Remember that!!!!
Your eating disorder, as others drinking or using drugs, is a way of trying to keep control of the underlying problems and worries and for the most part, you need to get your head round those issues, so that you do not then need to take drugs or use other methods to keep a lid on the issues.
I agree with others that you need to talk to someone. Most people can rely on their mums and dads, but you are worrying about your mum and not wanting to put any pressure on her and your dad is pointing the finger at you instead of looking at what effect his actions may have had on the whole family. By all means try the school councellor, but you have already been warned what to expect. If what is said does not fit, don’t think that is your fault. Sounds like they are thinking that peoples problems are all trivial when they are not!!!
I don’t live in the US, so I am not sure of where you can go, but maybe ask your doctor, or look on line. There may be some kind of online support group eg for those living in the middle of family situations such as yours, or a local support group. Are there things like youth clubs or supportive people in eg an activity club you might go to. If you can get your head round it all – with help – you may no longer need to keep control of it all by the eating habits.
I cant stop on much longer. But wanted to say, you are only young and you understand a lot of what is going on and you are already reaching out despite your age. To me that says that there is a good chance of you getting to the other side of all this and maybe even leading the way. Keep strong x
Leda Atomica
8 years ago
@ winter_sky
I’m so happy you posted here, as I think you will find the most compassionate and articulate people to reply to you (me not so much articulate, but I will give it a go!). I hope that what I am about to say will resonate with you and not sound at all like I am talking *at* you or giving “advice”. I know in the state you are is the last place you need advice, but I hope to reach out to you.
I’ve been suffering of depression since I was a child. First I did not know that, because I felt “normal” and that my mental state was just a response to my circumstances. Which it probably was. Like you, I later ended up telling myself I was not even worth a piece of crap and that nothing I could do was right. Depression is tricky like that, your *own* mind takes on a voice of those who have or might have been ever stepping on you and convinces you that this is the truth about you. Even though it is not. The hardest part is to make a counter-argument because it would mean countering your own brain! This is the very shitty essence about depression and it makes it so much harder to tell a depressed person otherwise – even more difficult to the depressed person themself to tell themself otherwise.
Sounding “selfish” or “self-pitying” comes with the territory. That’s why some horrible people say that depressed people are just selfish. It’s just the fact that the state of your mind takes on your entire life. There is very little energy to spend beyond the thoughts that overpower you when you’re depressed. I can hear this sense of being overpowered in your message.
i know there are people way worse off than me but i don’t have anyone else to say this to and sometimes you just need to feel like i dunno someone’s heard you. i mean i have no one i can turn to in my life and haven’t for most of my life (and i’m old) and i know i deserve it because i have nothing to offer the world and i am a piece of human garbage that should never have been born.
I heard you. I hate that you have been made to feel like you shouldn’t have been born. You did come here, and you are so fucking valuable as a human life. I know that’s not an answer and that you are not going to magically *feel* that. But it needed to be said. I officially eternally dislike any thing or person who has made you feel otherwise. I have been there. Abuse, bullying, being outcasted from anything ever. It. Fucking. Sucks. It’s the abusers voices taking over YOUR internal dialogue, defacing your self value.
Then you become your own abuser. This is what has taken me the most effort to defeat. It’s so hard to stop telling yourself you don’t matter, especially since the people and world outside of you seems to confirm that you don’t matter. It’s the people who ignore you, fail to reach out and sometimes even downright spit at you. This is all confirmation that you do not matter. It took me a long time to realise I was giving others an unfair power over me, and even when I did realise that my depression was too strong to let me change my mind about me.
It’s going to be an up-hill battle from now on even if you somehow convince yourself that you are a deserving human amongst others. But you have made it this far. THAT is amazing. It shows genuine strenght, and I have heard say that depression can sometimes be a symptome of having been strong for too long.
I hope you will have even the tiniest bit of resolvance in your life and that that will give you power to never lay down in that snow. You are here, as we all are. Needed and cared for. I wish you ALL the strenght.
And no feeling of pressure to reply to me, I just wanted to give you my thoughts. There’s so much more to say but I would write a novel to you. If you do however reply and have any questions or any need for support, I will be looking at this thread and I will be here.
rugbyyogi
8 years ago
@SJA –
I think I’m probably a lot like you re. disordered eating. I blew off a nutritionist referral because the GP was a wanker and I had in my mind that a nutritionist would talk to me about nutrition – and as a fat person who has dieted many times, I think I already know a lot about nutrition. What I need is emotional and practical support to change my disordered approach to food. Maybe I should have gone.
For me, calorie counting has always led to a kind of mania. I became obsessed with the numbers and driving the numbers downward. Not healthy. Calorie awareness for me has been different, but not tons different.
The only thing that has worked for me was intuitive eating. But it is not so easy and I have erased my gains (or rather re-gained my losses) by slipping out of the mindfulness in a self-destructive way. But basically I will never diet again. I’m currently trying to lose weight and gently trying to bring myself back to intuitive eating (with a bit of elimination of junky soft drinks and crisps) and cutting back on other drinkable calories (e.g. beer, but it’s not eliminated). And I’m trying to regain my fitness, too.
Have to go now to play a game, but can explain more about my experience with the approach and what worked well for me and what didn’t. At any rate, it’s the only approach where at least intermittently I felt in control of my attitude toward food without being obsessional.
Eonid
8 years ago
@ SJA
Just an idea for another therapy option, but look into cognitive behavioural therapy, perhaps? It is a more practical type of therapy that helps deal with anxiety, stressors and triggers in the moment, helping you cope with the things that make you feel like you’re no longer in control. It helps give you the tools to be able to make healthier choices by being able to move through the icky bad moments and into a clearer headspace.
I have found, as someone who is pretty in touch with myself and what my motivations are, going to see a psychologist didn’t really give me any new information or perspective. CBT has been more about a routine, ways to combat the blues with a set of skills/exercises/tools that you learn by rote. Having that skillset has made it so I can think about maybe being able to do some of the less pleasant therapies/treatments I need. I no longer feel so overwhelmed at the prospect of going to a kinesiologist and nutritionist to get my eating habits and weight back on track after the accident.
Just a little background break: Prior to being hit by a car at work, I had worked my not-so-little buns off, losing approx 145 lbs. It took a lot of effort and dedication, but by cutting portions, snacking less and walking everywhere, I was in the best shape I had ever been in my life. Sitting in bed most of the time for 2 months and not being able to start walking again for closer to 6, my body went back into “zaftig” mode and I gained about 1/3 of the weight back. Now, I am still more-or-less okay with who I see in the mirror every morning – I wasn’t depressed about my weight when I was 300lbs, so I am definitely not weighing 200lbs – but because I was injured on a load-bearing joint, for my poor knee I’ve got to shed a little. I couldn’t bear to think about some totally fit person sitting down and judging my habits, my culinary decisions (I cook for all 4 of the people in my home), or my appearance, but CBT gave me practical things I can do to help me overcome those hurdles.
Just thought an option other than traditional talk-therapy might be something you’d be interested in looking into more. Keep your chin up… and when you can’t keep it up, make some tea, find a blanket and a fur-baby and take care. 🙂
opposablethumbs
8 years ago
winter_sky, I just want to say – I am sorry you’re hurting so badly. I hope what Leda Atomica says is of some help, xe sounds awesomely right to me. Well-wishes from an internet stranger ain’t much I know, but I’m sending them to you anyway.
Oh my. Was about to post an update on my life including how my own weight loss has plateaued and I’m pretty unhappy about it, and the conversation is on eating disorders.
Which seems to be timely for me, because I need to eat less/exercise more to get the final pounds off but I’m afraid of falling back into the hyper-controlling dietary habits I had when I was at uni, and though I denied it at the time I will, with hindsight, admit that I totally had an eating disorder back then. It seriously took over just…so much. To anyone struggling with one atm, hugs and understanding to you.
I think I’ll read some comments, see what wisdom I can pick up…
Eonid
8 years ago
@ authorialAlchemist
Re: your roommate/cleaning troubles, what sort of things have you tried to keep yourself from forgetting or to keep yourself on-task when you’re cleaning? Have you tried setting alarms or leaving notes to remind yourself, or asking your roommate to remind you? Do you listen to music or throw on a podcast when you clean, or do you find that sort of thing distracting?
Maybe try making a game out of it? My housemates and I are all sort of antisocial, and had become super insular, not really going out or doing anything, so we made a contest called “Popular Boy”. Every time one of us goes out or has a friend over, there are points given depending on the activity and duration. At the end of the month, the person with the most points gets a trophy and a little prize.
@ winter_sky
I just want you to know that I hear you, too. You’re not worthless, you’re not garbage, you’re not a mistake.
It breaks my heart that you feel so alone, and that all I can do is this, but don’t give up on yourself. Keep reaching out. Rant and ramble and vent. HUGS!
Leda Atomica
8 years ago
I just wanted to acknowlege @opposablethumbs’ wonderful use of ‘xe’.
And that I have found help for my depression. It is out there, even non-medical things like an online forum. 😉 I really hope this extended internet hand will reach out far enoug for you, winter_sky.
Dr. Thang
8 years ago
@winter_sky
I know exactly how you feel. I’ve felt pretty much exactly the same way for like…10 years now? I’ve been told I may have depression but I always blew it off because I thought depression just makes you feel bad for no reason, and I had a lot of reasons for feeling the way I do. I only recently discovered, thanks to the always reliable cracked.com, that depression can be caused by things and not just come from nowhere, so now I don’t know. I just don’t think there are any pills or therapy that can change it, and I’m kinda sick of hearing that. It’s like half the time I start talking about this stuff with someone, I am just looking for someone to understand, that’s all, but instead they think they need to fix me, and when they realize it isn’t as simple or easy as “just change the way you think”, they get frustrated and say they can’t fix me and I need therapy. I never asked anyone to fix me! I don’t think I can be fixed, but it doesn’t have to be this hard, if anybody listened or cared.
The thing is, I’ve always had this problem that there is no help for, and you can’t really talk about it so you just kinda have to learn to deal with it on your own. I didn’t do such a great job there…though better than most. I just wanted to do what was right, what I thought was the smart thing to do, but all I did was screw myself up worse. I couldn’t know any better, nobody wants to help people like me, I was completely alone. If I just had a LITTLE bit of help, just someone to steer me in the right direction, I wouldn’t have had to turn out like this, but now it’s too late, too much damage was done and it can never be reversed. I will have to hate myself for the rest of my life and feel guilty and ashamed for things I had nothing to do with, all because I couldn’t get the help I needed. I know this is all sounding vague and cryptic, but like I said, I can’t talk about this stuff, I’m on my own here. I’ve learned over the last decade that no matter how understanding and accepting people seem or say they are, they aren’t, they will change their minds or make exceptions to exclude me. I just had to accept long ago that I will never be accepted and I have to pretend to be a different person just so people will tolerate my presence.
To make everything worse, I recently lost the best friend I’ve ever had, the only girl I ever loved, and the only one who ever loved me, all at the same time, when she stopped loving me and considering me her best friend for no reason and then couldn’t understand why I was sad about it and didn’t want to talk about it. I tried my hardest to make things better but all it did was make her sick of me and not want to talk to me anymore, like everyone else. And I’m not exaggerating when I say it was for no reason, she literally told me it had nothing to do with me or anything I did, but I think I just have that effect on people. If anything I wish it was something I did, at least then I could learn from it and not make that mistake again. Instead, the best thing that ever happened to me ended for reasons entirely out of my control.
It might not sting so much if I haven’t lost every friend I’ve ever had for similar lack of reasons or explanations, or if she wasn’t the first girl to ever feel that way about me in the 26 years I’ve been alive, or if she wasn’t the one person who I thought would always be there for me and never leave me because she actually loved me, or if she wasn’t the most perfect girl who ever lived in my eyes, or…well, there are really so many reasons why she was so important to me that it would take me hours to cover all of it, and even then I simply don’t have the literary skills to accurately explain it. When she loved me, not only was it the first time in my life that I was actually happy, it was also the first time that I felt good about myself, that I didn’t hate myself or feel guilty or ashamed, it was like she literally made all my problems disappear, just by being there. And I didn’t even know her in person, she lives on the other side of the country, we just talked a lot, pretty much all day every day. That’s how little it took to make me truly happy, to make everything better for me and make a lifetime of damage disappear, just getting to talk to her. I never expected or required more from her than that, I loved her for who she was, I didn’t just want to use her like every other man she had ever known, it seemed like I even respected her and cared about her more than her own family, who never cared about what she wanted or how she felt. I was always as respectful and understanding as possible, I just wanted to make her happy, to make her comfortable with me, to repay her for how happy she made me…and then one day for no reason she just stopped caring about me entirely and wanted me to act like everything was fine and not even address it.
She barely talked to me anymore, I went from talking to her all day to hearing from her for maybe 5 minutes at the end of the night once or twice a week. And she just seemed different, like it was a chore to get through, like everything that she used to like about me just annoyed her now. But I just thought if we could talk it out, things could get better, and more than anything, I was looking for something, ANYTHING comforting to hear about, any reason at all to believe things could be like they were again. Then one day she told me she didn’t even remember last year, the year we were in love, like it meant nothing to her, and she left in the middle of the conversation and didn’t come back for days. I couldn’t take it anymore, something had to change, whether it got better or worse, it just couldn’t stay like that, because I was feeling worse and worse and it seemed like there was no way out. So I just unleashed everything I was thinking and feeling, all the stuff she didn’t want to talk about, and when she got back, she was really mad at me, but I wasn’t, I just wanted her to understand, maybe things would be better if she understood. Instead she told me I’m crazy and that I need therapy. I don’t think it’s crazy to be sad that you lost your best friend, in fact I think I handled the whole situation better than most people would. I never got mad at her, I just tried to explain where I was coming from, but she decided she didn’t want to talk to me anymore, and it was over. The last things I said to her after that were trying to remind her of all the good times we had, and I told her I’ll always be here for her if she changes her mind, but I doubt she will, or that she even read it. I feel like all this would have turned a lesser man into a MRA who takes his frustration out on all women, but at least I can say I’m not that petty and immature.
Since then I’ve tried to move on but nothing works. If there was ever any chance someone else could ever feel the way she felt about me before, it’s gone now, she broke me. When she left she took the last shred of confidence and self-esteem I had left after a lifetime of constant bullying and beatings and hate from every direction with her. There’s nothing left, now I can’t see anything good about myself, so I doubt anybody else ever will. People tell me to just be confident but I can’t, I can’t just create confidence out of nowhere, so I try to fake it sometimes and act like a confident person would, but that never works out either. I felt hopeless before I met her, but I never imagined it could get this much worse. There’s no way out of this for me, this is just the rest of my life now, I’ll always be a worthless failure and nothing will ever work out. But despite all that I’ve said here, this is really only a fraction of what a mess I am. There’s a lot more, like my mild autism, which is a long list of things in itself, but it’s simply way too much to even get into.
But anyway, I wish I could give you some tips or something, but I don’t know any, nothing seems to work. I’ve never been suicidal though, I just kinda keep going for no particular reason other than I don’t like the idea of quitting. I get a strange satisfaction out of knowing that no matter how miserable and alone I am for the rest of my life, I will keep going till the end and I’ll take it all standing up. So, I don’t know, maybe you can look at it that way. Even if nobody else knows it, you will always know that you were strong enough to survive the kinda lows that many people can’t even imagine.
But to anyone who actually managed to get through this whole post, you’re a real trooper and I wish I had some prize to give you. I actually used to post on here under a different name, but then I got worried that I kept saying the wrong things and I was gonna make everyone hate me so I stopped, but then I came back to start writing an encouraging message to winter sky and it just got way out of hand. I’m not expecting anyone to even read this whole thing, let alone care or try to help, it just feels good to get that all off my chest.
Leda Atomica
8 years ago
*acknowledge
Feck, editing was too quick for me!
Chiomara
8 years ago
@Winter
Winter, all my heart goes for you. I have been there too and I know how it feels. I wish I could say something meaningful that would take you out of that but I don’t really have the emotional strength to figure out what to say. I am sorry, I feel you, and you found a great place to talk about it, people here are awesome and always know what to say.
Seek therapy too… You really need that. And have a hotline handy for when you are feeling suicidal.
*hug* Thanks for sharing. I know it’s difficult.
Kat — I used to work inpatient pediatric psych. I saw the same thing you are seeing now with some of the other personnel. Sometimes, people who have been there a long time think they own the job and are always right. I approached this with a top level manager as maybe people needing retraining. People got retraining, and I was never identified as the cause. Things were better (though not perfect) and my working relationships there were good enough afterwards. I hope you can find a similar solution or something else that works.
Bonelady — give yourself six weeks. Take more time off if you can (though…I know how it is…I went back to work 3 weeks after I had back surgery) but don’t worry about the fatigue until you are at least six weeks out. I’d bet you’re feeling much better by then.
winter-sky — we often do not realize the positive ways we affect people in our environment, or the good changes we have made to the world. You are not worthless! Hugs for you if you want them; I have struggled with depression since I was 15, though it seems to be in remission over the past 10 years or so (we are the same age btw). I don’t even know what changed for those feelings to have gone away, but I’m running with it. Nowadays, I may sometimes (often!) want to run away, but I no longer wish for oblivion. I hope you can find your peace.
On my own personal front, work is finally less stressful and I have the help I need so eventually I will be able to stop working these long hours, and maybe cut back to a four-day week. Which would be good; retirement is just down the road and I really, really need to work less and start gearing up for different adventures and activities so it’s not a difficult transition.
Chiomara
8 years ago
@Leda
You really like it that much? Awwwww, thank you! I would offer to adapt these to adult size or something (shouldn’t be too difficult, you only have to attach a sole… Or you can leave as it is and use it only inside of your home, to heat your feet in winter days, it’s common in Germany, at least) but each baby sized booty took me eight hours, so I’d be old before finish an adult one. I’ll give you the video I watched though, and you can adapt. It’s in Portuguese, but… I can help if you really want it.
I am happy you found someone. To love and be loved is awesome. ^^
As someone who is presently on antidepressants I heartily recommend them. I remember that I was reluctant to talk to my therapist and didn’t want antidepressants because I felt that… it’s hard to say exactly but basically that it was right for me to feel that I was a waste and should never have been born and needing help to not feel that way proved it. I had reasons, but in hindsight they were really excuses; they were true but by no means sufficient, and to an extent I was deliberately sabotaging myself to keep having a reason for my emotions. I kept it up until one day I realized that it didn’t make sense, because things had gotten better and yet I felt worse.
I know everyone is different and this may not apply to you, but I would ask that you consider it and not reject it out of hand. I would not have believed it myself at the time. And if you do need treatment, it does not make you any less worthwhile. I like the term “mental illness” because it is very analogous to a physical illness; needing treatment for cancer does not carry a stigma and needing treatment for depression should not.
Granted, while I’ve had a positive experience with medication, I am aware it is a very complex issue; medications make rather crude adjustments to neurochemistry and can have wildly varying effectiveness and side effects. It may or may not be appropriate, but it is an option and in some cases it does work.
Leda Atomica
8 years ago
Chiomara
Thank you! I think I can so use those videos even if they are in Portugese!
And yes, I really love your creations thar much. 🙂
And thanks so much for the well-wishes. It really means something to me to have people who know.
I had an enormously good reaction from cognitive behaviour therapy and have gained a great deal from it, so I’ll echo what Eonid said.
Trigger warning for rest of post: discussion of an eating disorder.
When I was a child my mother would always force food upon me if the rest of the family didn’t want to finish it: she’s always had boundary issues so she treated a “no thank you, I don’t want to eat any more” as disobedience. Because of that and some other stuff I don’t want to talk about, I grew up seeing eating as almost a violative act, and hunger as a way to reassert myself. This meant that when I left home I basically didn’t eat.
I’ve always been a skinny guy and I got really bad at some times. What saved me was two things: routine, and enjoying the process of cooking.
I tend to slip into dissociative flow states extremely easily when I’m following a routine that my body knows well, and so by inserting eating into that routine it means that I get enough food.
The other thing that saved me was that I learned to enjoy the creativity and craftsmanship of turning ingredients into food; and then after that eating feels natural because it’s my food, not somebody else’s.
I don’t think I can ever say I’m recovered, but I’ve learned to adjust my lifestyle to compensate for it and that’s probably the best I can hope for. Immense hugs to anyone else going through eating disorders for any reasons (or immense best wishes if you prefer not to be touched.) No matter who you are, you’re not alone; and if you feel that nobody else cares then please try to remember that I care.
guy
8 years ago
Sort of general advice for everyone looking for psychological help, here and elsewhere: you will see people giving strongly contradictory advice. In many cases that is because they are speaking based on their experience of what worked for them or for a friend. There is no one thing that works for everyone. Look through the advice you are getting and find something that works for you.
Leda Atomica
8 years ago
So much seconding @guy.
masque d'étoiles
8 years ago
Many points to reply to; I hope I don’t skip anyone!
@SJA – I’m so glad you found a variety of supportive and knowledgeable voices here that already have increased your determination to make the changes you feel you want in your life.
@chiomara – what a lucky niece, to have a wardrobe of adorable soft shoes already waiting for her when she makes her appearance! The boots are the cutest things ever. Very impressive that you are recently self-taught and already able to turn out such lovely work.
TW: depression, self-harm, abuse
@winter_sky – You’re not alone in a lifelong struggle with depression, and it’s good that you have found, and feel safe opening up to, a knowledgeable and compassionate community full of people who have some idea of how you feel. I also have been depressed since childhood, medicated for the past 25 years, and and am familiar with the self-loathing and sense of being a waste of life. I have found cognitive therapy particularly helpful in vanquishing a harsh internal monologue, which in my case was largely based in early trauma and sexual abuse. I’ve undergone several distinct courses of therapy, and find that while I am able to recognize most self-destructive thought patterns on my own, every few years a brief tune-up from a therapist helps me sharpen my cognitive skills and coping methods and address destructive habits I’ve fallen into.
What @guy said is important in this area: there is no one-size-fits-all type of therapy. When you are hurting and not getting relief despite seeing professional after professional, it can feel as though you’re hunting for the elusive One Needle in a needlestack. It’s hard to keep persisting, especially if you are faced with a gantlet of unsympathetic-seeming doctors or therapists who don’t seem to take you seriously, or who react to your issues with shaming, judgmental, or minimizing language. But it is worth the search for a helper whose skills guide you toward self-acceptance, toward valuing and liking yourself as you are – not just as something to be “fixed”. Anyone reading this thread who is in this process, please persist in finding the care you need, and know that as you persist you have found a nonjudging group here who understand that the difficulties you grapple with every day are real, and sap a lot of energy and confidence from you. And if you are considering self-harm, please call a mental health hotline or suicide prevention center. Talking among ourselves can be supportive, but depression is a deadly disease, and suicide ideation is a crisis situation requiring immediate professional help.
One final note: in an earlier post in this thread I inadvertently used a mental-ablist phrase in referring to my household’s unrepentant love of kitty cats. My apologies to all.
Social Justice Atheist
8 years ago
@ winter sky and everyone else who is going through/been through depression:
I can relate to you so much, and I’m so sorry for what you are going through. You are not worthless. I know that this horrible mental illness known as depression will lie to you and tell you that you are worthless, selfish, letting everyone down, etc. But it’s not true. Not at all. You are a more than worthy person. You are worthy of having a good life and being free from this horrible disease. I know right now it may sound hypocritical of me to tell somebody else this when my own depression is making me feel the exact same way, but it’s easy to see that other people besides you are worthy. When you have depression, it seems like everyone but you deserves a good life. You begin to think that maybe you did something to bring it on yourself, or that it is your fault somehow. You feel so guilty for letting everyone else down or bringing them down. You feel like you do not deserve to live. I know because I have been there many times myself and I am there right now. All you can ever do is fight. It’s awesome that you decided to take the first step and reach out here. I know how hard it is to do even that. Remember: you are awesome, you are worthy, and you deserve to live. I hope everyone here who is going through depression or hard times tries to stay strong and remember that. I know how tough it is. Sending virtual hugs to anyone who would like them, and all my support and empathy to anyone who would not.
@EJ
I have heard some good things about cognitive behavior therapy. Perhaps I could combine CBT with a nutritionist to get the most out of treatment? It will be a while before I can start treatment because of our money situation, but I will be thinking things over and trying to consider the best options for my situation.
Also, I am very sorry you had to deal with that pressure from your mom as a child and it developed into disordered eating/an eating disorder. Hugs from me and my kitty if you would like them. I know that feeling of needing control all too well. I actually had something similar happen to me when I was a kid. (before I was anorexic, so around six years old) My first grade teacher was very nice otherwise, but in the lunchroom she would stand over kids who were maybe not that hungry and force them to eat. She would sit there, say something like “get that sandwich out now and start eating, and literally wait as long as she had to while you finished whatever it is she wanted you to eat. Even if she had to wait until way past lunch, all she would do is bring your work into the lunchroom while you ate. That experience really traumatized me because even at that age I didn’t feel in control and I felt like I was being forced. I hated it so much.
@everyone who offered helpful suggestions and support
Thanks to everyone for all the suggestions and helpful advice, it really has made me feel better and like there is hope for me. Part of it was that I was so overwhelmed that it was hard to consider my options, especially considering the concerns about money. I am starting to feel like I have more control over my treatment plan and am taking steps to save money and work out the best possible plan for me. I think I will be going for a combination of CBT and seeing a nutritionist. I really like the idea of intuitive eating and that sounds like the best thing that could work for me, so I’m going to ask about it when I am able to get help.
I am very glad I decided to get this off my chest and take steps to get help. I have been carrying this burden by myself and feeling alone for far too long it seems.
did we ever actually get someone to verify we weren’t the same person?
Ohlmann
8 years ago
When people actually consult me and reuse my good idea, I still have trouble finding that positive, encouraging the one who actually implement my ideas, and advice them. I still feel aggravated that it’s not ME who do it from A to Z, and I have trouble accepting that as recognition, so I still feel unrecognized and useless.
I also feel perpetually down, but not quite as down as when I did a clinical depression. I kind of fear getting on any kind of medications. Not sure what is the wise move/
Hambeast, Social Justice Beastie
8 years ago
Leda Atomica
I also knit and crochet but I do it for my selfish self. ?
Ha! Me too. I think it’s because the first thing I ever crocheted was an afghan (a friend taught me to make granny squares) and a guy I was casually dating at the time talked me into giving it to him. I instantly regretted it and did for a long time.
winter_sky, you are a wonderful, worthwhile person and I really hope you can get the help you need/want. And also keep us posted, if you can. I’ll be watching for posts and sending good thoughts!
Social Justice Atheist, good luck with your nutritionist, I hope they’re great! I’m 55 and never had any triggers until I lost my dad last Fall. Now I have a couple; the worst one, as it happens, eating related! Not my eating, though, but hearing about other people not eating/losing their appetite. It seems to come up in all sorts of dramas in popular culture and it’s hard to watch movies or TV shows or even read books sometimes.
Paradoxy, hope your sleep problems get better soon! Mine are ongoing and involve staying asleep; getting to sleep isn’t my problem but it’s all frustrating as hell when you don’t get enough. I’ll be able to watch your new video once I get back from my dad’s (I have a laptop I bring with me and the sound is for crap.)
Nequam, so glad to hear your dad is better! Good dad news makes my day!!
EJ (The Other One)
8 years ago
@Orion:
IIRC you’re French and I’m South African. Does that prevent us from being degenerate?
@Social Justice Atheist:
Thanks. Thanks a great deal.
Leda Atomica
8 years ago
Hambeast, Social Justice Beastie
Ha! I totally get that! Something you created went for *some guy*
I love the idea of an afghan!
We Hunted The Mammoth
Social Justice Athiest.
So sorry to hear of all your troubles. I am new on the block, but felt I had to throw in a few comments. When I look at the bulk of “mental health” problems and by mental health I only mean that it is your head that is hurting, not your leg etc – not necesarily a big thing. I believe that so many of them are what I term – “A perfectly rational response to irrational circumstances”.
What that means is that given what you have had to face, it is hardly surprising that you feel like you are going under. If you did not feel that way, well THEN I WOULD be worried, becuase if you dont FEEL, that means you might be a psychopath!!! You feel and you hurt kiddo. That means that you are absolutely 1000% normal. Remember that!!!!
Your eating disorder, as others drinking or using drugs, is a way of trying to keep control of the underlying problems and worries and for the most part, you need to get your head round those issues, so that you do not then need to take drugs or use other methods to keep a lid on the issues.
I agree with others that you need to talk to someone. Most people can rely on their mums and dads, but you are worrying about your mum and not wanting to put any pressure on her and your dad is pointing the finger at you instead of looking at what effect his actions may have had on the whole family. By all means try the school councellor, but you have already been warned what to expect. If what is said does not fit, don’t think that is your fault. Sounds like they are thinking that peoples problems are all trivial when they are not!!!
I don’t live in the US, so I am not sure of where you can go, but maybe ask your doctor, or look on line. There may be some kind of online support group eg for those living in the middle of family situations such as yours, or a local support group. Are there things like youth clubs or supportive people in eg an activity club you might go to. If you can get your head round it all – with help – you may no longer need to keep control of it all by the eating habits.
I cant stop on much longer. But wanted to say, you are only young and you understand a lot of what is going on and you are already reaching out despite your age. To me that says that there is a good chance of you getting to the other side of all this and maybe even leading the way. Keep strong x
@ winter_sky
I’m so happy you posted here, as I think you will find the most compassionate and articulate people to reply to you (me not so much articulate, but I will give it a go!). I hope that what I am about to say will resonate with you and not sound at all like I am talking *at* you or giving “advice”. I know in the state you are is the last place you need advice, but I hope to reach out to you.
I’ve been suffering of depression since I was a child. First I did not know that, because I felt “normal” and that my mental state was just a response to my circumstances. Which it probably was. Like you, I later ended up telling myself I was not even worth a piece of crap and that nothing I could do was right. Depression is tricky like that, your *own* mind takes on a voice of those who have or might have been ever stepping on you and convinces you that this is the truth about you. Even though it is not. The hardest part is to make a counter-argument because it would mean countering your own brain! This is the very shitty essence about depression and it makes it so much harder to tell a depressed person otherwise – even more difficult to the depressed person themself to tell themself otherwise.
Sounding “selfish” or “self-pitying” comes with the territory. That’s why some horrible people say that depressed people are just selfish. It’s just the fact that the state of your mind takes on your entire life. There is very little energy to spend beyond the thoughts that overpower you when you’re depressed. I can hear this sense of being overpowered in your message.
I heard you. I hate that you have been made to feel like you shouldn’t have been born. You did come here, and you are so fucking valuable as a human life. I know that’s not an answer and that you are not going to magically *feel* that. But it needed to be said. I officially eternally dislike any thing or person who has made you feel otherwise. I have been there. Abuse, bullying, being outcasted from anything ever. It. Fucking. Sucks. It’s the abusers voices taking over YOUR internal dialogue, defacing your self value.
Then you become your own abuser. This is what has taken me the most effort to defeat. It’s so hard to stop telling yourself you don’t matter, especially since the people and world outside of you seems to confirm that you don’t matter. It’s the people who ignore you, fail to reach out and sometimes even downright spit at you. This is all confirmation that you do not matter. It took me a long time to realise I was giving others an unfair power over me, and even when I did realise that my depression was too strong to let me change my mind about me.
It’s going to be an up-hill battle from now on even if you somehow convince yourself that you are a deserving human amongst others. But you have made it this far. THAT is amazing. It shows genuine strenght, and I have heard say that depression can sometimes be a symptome of having been strong for too long.
I hope you will have even the tiniest bit of resolvance in your life and that that will give you power to never lay down in that snow. You are here, as we all are. Needed and cared for. I wish you ALL the strenght.
And no feeling of pressure to reply to me, I just wanted to give you my thoughts. There’s so much more to say but I would write a novel to you. If you do however reply and have any questions or any need for support, I will be looking at this thread and I will be here.
@SJA –
I think I’m probably a lot like you re. disordered eating. I blew off a nutritionist referral because the GP was a wanker and I had in my mind that a nutritionist would talk to me about nutrition – and as a fat person who has dieted many times, I think I already know a lot about nutrition. What I need is emotional and practical support to change my disordered approach to food. Maybe I should have gone.
For me, calorie counting has always led to a kind of mania. I became obsessed with the numbers and driving the numbers downward. Not healthy. Calorie awareness for me has been different, but not tons different.
The only thing that has worked for me was intuitive eating. But it is not so easy and I have erased my gains (or rather re-gained my losses) by slipping out of the mindfulness in a self-destructive way. But basically I will never diet again. I’m currently trying to lose weight and gently trying to bring myself back to intuitive eating (with a bit of elimination of junky soft drinks and crisps) and cutting back on other drinkable calories (e.g. beer, but it’s not eliminated). And I’m trying to regain my fitness, too.
Have to go now to play a game, but can explain more about my experience with the approach and what worked well for me and what didn’t. At any rate, it’s the only approach where at least intermittently I felt in control of my attitude toward food without being obsessional.
@ SJA
Just an idea for another therapy option, but look into cognitive behavioural therapy, perhaps? It is a more practical type of therapy that helps deal with anxiety, stressors and triggers in the moment, helping you cope with the things that make you feel like you’re no longer in control. It helps give you the tools to be able to make healthier choices by being able to move through the icky bad moments and into a clearer headspace.
I have found, as someone who is pretty in touch with myself and what my motivations are, going to see a psychologist didn’t really give me any new information or perspective. CBT has been more about a routine, ways to combat the blues with a set of skills/exercises/tools that you learn by rote. Having that skillset has made it so I can think about maybe being able to do some of the less pleasant therapies/treatments I need. I no longer feel so overwhelmed at the prospect of going to a kinesiologist and nutritionist to get my eating habits and weight back on track after the accident.
Just a little background break: Prior to being hit by a car at work, I had worked my not-so-little buns off, losing approx 145 lbs. It took a lot of effort and dedication, but by cutting portions, snacking less and walking everywhere, I was in the best shape I had ever been in my life. Sitting in bed most of the time for 2 months and not being able to start walking again for closer to 6, my body went back into “zaftig” mode and I gained about 1/3 of the weight back. Now, I am still more-or-less okay with who I see in the mirror every morning – I wasn’t depressed about my weight when I was 300lbs, so I am definitely not weighing 200lbs – but because I was injured on a load-bearing joint, for my poor knee I’ve got to shed a little. I couldn’t bear to think about some totally fit person sitting down and judging my habits, my culinary decisions (I cook for all 4 of the people in my home), or my appearance, but CBT gave me practical things I can do to help me overcome those hurdles.
Just thought an option other than traditional talk-therapy might be something you’d be interested in looking into more. Keep your chin up… and when you can’t keep it up, make some tea, find a blanket and a fur-baby and take care. 🙂
winter_sky, I just want to say – I am sorry you’re hurting so badly. I hope what Leda Atomica says is of some help, xe sounds awesomely right to me. Well-wishes from an internet stranger ain’t much I know, but I’m sending them to you anyway.
Oh my. Was about to post an update on my life including how my own weight loss has plateaued and I’m pretty unhappy about it, and the conversation is on eating disorders.
Which seems to be timely for me, because I need to eat less/exercise more to get the final pounds off but I’m afraid of falling back into the hyper-controlling dietary habits I had when I was at uni, and though I denied it at the time I will, with hindsight, admit that I totally had an eating disorder back then. It seriously took over just…so much. To anyone struggling with one atm, hugs and understanding to you.
I think I’ll read some comments, see what wisdom I can pick up…
@ authorialAlchemist
Re: your roommate/cleaning troubles, what sort of things have you tried to keep yourself from forgetting or to keep yourself on-task when you’re cleaning? Have you tried setting alarms or leaving notes to remind yourself, or asking your roommate to remind you? Do you listen to music or throw on a podcast when you clean, or do you find that sort of thing distracting?
Maybe try making a game out of it? My housemates and I are all sort of antisocial, and had become super insular, not really going out or doing anything, so we made a contest called “Popular Boy”. Every time one of us goes out or has a friend over, there are points given depending on the activity and duration. At the end of the month, the person with the most points gets a trophy and a little prize.
@ winter_sky
I just want you to know that I hear you, too. You’re not worthless, you’re not garbage, you’re not a mistake.
It breaks my heart that you feel so alone, and that all I can do is this, but don’t give up on yourself. Keep reaching out. Rant and ramble and vent. HUGS!
I just wanted to acknowlege @opposablethumbs’ wonderful use of ‘xe’.
And that I have found help for my depression. It is out there, even non-medical things like an online forum. 😉 I really hope this extended internet hand will reach out far enoug for you, winter_sky.
@winter_sky
I know exactly how you feel. I’ve felt pretty much exactly the same way for like…10 years now? I’ve been told I may have depression but I always blew it off because I thought depression just makes you feel bad for no reason, and I had a lot of reasons for feeling the way I do. I only recently discovered, thanks to the always reliable cracked.com, that depression can be caused by things and not just come from nowhere, so now I don’t know. I just don’t think there are any pills or therapy that can change it, and I’m kinda sick of hearing that. It’s like half the time I start talking about this stuff with someone, I am just looking for someone to understand, that’s all, but instead they think they need to fix me, and when they realize it isn’t as simple or easy as “just change the way you think”, they get frustrated and say they can’t fix me and I need therapy. I never asked anyone to fix me! I don’t think I can be fixed, but it doesn’t have to be this hard, if anybody listened or cared.
The thing is, I’ve always had this problem that there is no help for, and you can’t really talk about it so you just kinda have to learn to deal with it on your own. I didn’t do such a great job there…though better than most. I just wanted to do what was right, what I thought was the smart thing to do, but all I did was screw myself up worse. I couldn’t know any better, nobody wants to help people like me, I was completely alone. If I just had a LITTLE bit of help, just someone to steer me in the right direction, I wouldn’t have had to turn out like this, but now it’s too late, too much damage was done and it can never be reversed. I will have to hate myself for the rest of my life and feel guilty and ashamed for things I had nothing to do with, all because I couldn’t get the help I needed. I know this is all sounding vague and cryptic, but like I said, I can’t talk about this stuff, I’m on my own here. I’ve learned over the last decade that no matter how understanding and accepting people seem or say they are, they aren’t, they will change their minds or make exceptions to exclude me. I just had to accept long ago that I will never be accepted and I have to pretend to be a different person just so people will tolerate my presence.
To make everything worse, I recently lost the best friend I’ve ever had, the only girl I ever loved, and the only one who ever loved me, all at the same time, when she stopped loving me and considering me her best friend for no reason and then couldn’t understand why I was sad about it and didn’t want to talk about it. I tried my hardest to make things better but all it did was make her sick of me and not want to talk to me anymore, like everyone else. And I’m not exaggerating when I say it was for no reason, she literally told me it had nothing to do with me or anything I did, but I think I just have that effect on people. If anything I wish it was something I did, at least then I could learn from it and not make that mistake again. Instead, the best thing that ever happened to me ended for reasons entirely out of my control.
It might not sting so much if I haven’t lost every friend I’ve ever had for similar lack of reasons or explanations, or if she wasn’t the first girl to ever feel that way about me in the 26 years I’ve been alive, or if she wasn’t the one person who I thought would always be there for me and never leave me because she actually loved me, or if she wasn’t the most perfect girl who ever lived in my eyes, or…well, there are really so many reasons why she was so important to me that it would take me hours to cover all of it, and even then I simply don’t have the literary skills to accurately explain it. When she loved me, not only was it the first time in my life that I was actually happy, it was also the first time that I felt good about myself, that I didn’t hate myself or feel guilty or ashamed, it was like she literally made all my problems disappear, just by being there. And I didn’t even know her in person, she lives on the other side of the country, we just talked a lot, pretty much all day every day. That’s how little it took to make me truly happy, to make everything better for me and make a lifetime of damage disappear, just getting to talk to her. I never expected or required more from her than that, I loved her for who she was, I didn’t just want to use her like every other man she had ever known, it seemed like I even respected her and cared about her more than her own family, who never cared about what she wanted or how she felt. I was always as respectful and understanding as possible, I just wanted to make her happy, to make her comfortable with me, to repay her for how happy she made me…and then one day for no reason she just stopped caring about me entirely and wanted me to act like everything was fine and not even address it.
She barely talked to me anymore, I went from talking to her all day to hearing from her for maybe 5 minutes at the end of the night once or twice a week. And she just seemed different, like it was a chore to get through, like everything that she used to like about me just annoyed her now. But I just thought if we could talk it out, things could get better, and more than anything, I was looking for something, ANYTHING comforting to hear about, any reason at all to believe things could be like they were again. Then one day she told me she didn’t even remember last year, the year we were in love, like it meant nothing to her, and she left in the middle of the conversation and didn’t come back for days. I couldn’t take it anymore, something had to change, whether it got better or worse, it just couldn’t stay like that, because I was feeling worse and worse and it seemed like there was no way out. So I just unleashed everything I was thinking and feeling, all the stuff she didn’t want to talk about, and when she got back, she was really mad at me, but I wasn’t, I just wanted her to understand, maybe things would be better if she understood. Instead she told me I’m crazy and that I need therapy. I don’t think it’s crazy to be sad that you lost your best friend, in fact I think I handled the whole situation better than most people would. I never got mad at her, I just tried to explain where I was coming from, but she decided she didn’t want to talk to me anymore, and it was over. The last things I said to her after that were trying to remind her of all the good times we had, and I told her I’ll always be here for her if she changes her mind, but I doubt she will, or that she even read it. I feel like all this would have turned a lesser man into a MRA who takes his frustration out on all women, but at least I can say I’m not that petty and immature.
Since then I’ve tried to move on but nothing works. If there was ever any chance someone else could ever feel the way she felt about me before, it’s gone now, she broke me. When she left she took the last shred of confidence and self-esteem I had left after a lifetime of constant bullying and beatings and hate from every direction with her. There’s nothing left, now I can’t see anything good about myself, so I doubt anybody else ever will. People tell me to just be confident but I can’t, I can’t just create confidence out of nowhere, so I try to fake it sometimes and act like a confident person would, but that never works out either. I felt hopeless before I met her, but I never imagined it could get this much worse. There’s no way out of this for me, this is just the rest of my life now, I’ll always be a worthless failure and nothing will ever work out. But despite all that I’ve said here, this is really only a fraction of what a mess I am. There’s a lot more, like my mild autism, which is a long list of things in itself, but it’s simply way too much to even get into.
But anyway, I wish I could give you some tips or something, but I don’t know any, nothing seems to work. I’ve never been suicidal though, I just kinda keep going for no particular reason other than I don’t like the idea of quitting. I get a strange satisfaction out of knowing that no matter how miserable and alone I am for the rest of my life, I will keep going till the end and I’ll take it all standing up. So, I don’t know, maybe you can look at it that way. Even if nobody else knows it, you will always know that you were strong enough to survive the kinda lows that many people can’t even imagine.
But to anyone who actually managed to get through this whole post, you’re a real trooper and I wish I had some prize to give you. I actually used to post on here under a different name, but then I got worried that I kept saying the wrong things and I was gonna make everyone hate me so I stopped, but then I came back to start writing an encouraging message to winter sky and it just got way out of hand. I’m not expecting anyone to even read this whole thing, let alone care or try to help, it just feels good to get that all off my chest.
*acknowledge
Feck, editing was too quick for me!
@Winter
Winter, all my heart goes for you. I have been there too and I know how it feels. I wish I could say something meaningful that would take you out of that but I don’t really have the emotional strength to figure out what to say. I am sorry, I feel you, and you found a great place to talk about it, people here are awesome and always know what to say.
Seek therapy too… You really need that. And have a hotline handy for when you are feeling suicidal.
*hug* Thanks for sharing. I know it’s difficult.
Kat — I used to work inpatient pediatric psych. I saw the same thing you are seeing now with some of the other personnel. Sometimes, people who have been there a long time think they own the job and are always right. I approached this with a top level manager as maybe people needing retraining. People got retraining, and I was never identified as the cause. Things were better (though not perfect) and my working relationships there were good enough afterwards. I hope you can find a similar solution or something else that works.
Bonelady — give yourself six weeks. Take more time off if you can (though…I know how it is…I went back to work 3 weeks after I had back surgery) but don’t worry about the fatigue until you are at least six weeks out. I’d bet you’re feeling much better by then.
winter-sky — we often do not realize the positive ways we affect people in our environment, or the good changes we have made to the world. You are not worthless! Hugs for you if you want them; I have struggled with depression since I was 15, though it seems to be in remission over the past 10 years or so (we are the same age btw). I don’t even know what changed for those feelings to have gone away, but I’m running with it. Nowadays, I may sometimes (often!) want to run away, but I no longer wish for oblivion. I hope you can find your peace.
On my own personal front, work is finally less stressful and I have the help I need so eventually I will be able to stop working these long hours, and maybe cut back to a four-day week. Which would be good; retirement is just down the road and I really, really need to work less and start gearing up for different adventures and activities so it’s not a difficult transition.
@Leda
You really like it that much? Awwwww, thank you! I would offer to adapt these to adult size or something (shouldn’t be too difficult, you only have to attach a sole… Or you can leave as it is and use it only inside of your home, to heat your feet in winter days, it’s common in Germany, at least) but each baby sized booty took me eight hours, so I’d be old before finish an adult one. I’ll give you the video I watched though, and you can adapt. It’s in Portuguese, but… I can help if you really want it.
I am happy you found someone. To love and be loved is awesome. ^^
Part 1 – https://youtu.be/8B2IH8UDWdk
Part 2 – https://youtu.be/cWSmN4BL1k4
As someone who is presently on antidepressants I heartily recommend them. I remember that I was reluctant to talk to my therapist and didn’t want antidepressants because I felt that… it’s hard to say exactly but basically that it was right for me to feel that I was a waste and should never have been born and needing help to not feel that way proved it. I had reasons, but in hindsight they were really excuses; they were true but by no means sufficient, and to an extent I was deliberately sabotaging myself to keep having a reason for my emotions. I kept it up until one day I realized that it didn’t make sense, because things had gotten better and yet I felt worse.
I know everyone is different and this may not apply to you, but I would ask that you consider it and not reject it out of hand. I would not have believed it myself at the time. And if you do need treatment, it does not make you any less worthwhile. I like the term “mental illness” because it is very analogous to a physical illness; needing treatment for cancer does not carry a stigma and needing treatment for depression should not.
Granted, while I’ve had a positive experience with medication, I am aware it is a very complex issue; medications make rather crude adjustments to neurochemistry and can have wildly varying effectiveness and side effects. It may or may not be appropriate, but it is an option and in some cases it does work.
Chiomara
Thank you! I think I can so use those videos even if they are in Portugese!
And yes, I really love your creations thar much. 🙂
And thanks so much for the well-wishes. It really means something to me to have people who know.
I had an enormously good reaction from cognitive behaviour therapy and have gained a great deal from it, so I’ll echo what Eonid said.
Trigger warning for rest of post: discussion of an eating disorder.
When I was a child my mother would always force food upon me if the rest of the family didn’t want to finish it: she’s always had boundary issues so she treated a “no thank you, I don’t want to eat any more” as disobedience. Because of that and some other stuff I don’t want to talk about, I grew up seeing eating as almost a violative act, and hunger as a way to reassert myself. This meant that when I left home I basically didn’t eat.
I’ve always been a skinny guy and I got really bad at some times. What saved me was two things: routine, and enjoying the process of cooking.
I tend to slip into dissociative flow states extremely easily when I’m following a routine that my body knows well, and so by inserting eating into that routine it means that I get enough food.
The other thing that saved me was that I learned to enjoy the creativity and craftsmanship of turning ingredients into food; and then after that eating feels natural because it’s my food, not somebody else’s.
I don’t think I can ever say I’m recovered, but I’ve learned to adjust my lifestyle to compensate for it and that’s probably the best I can hope for. Immense hugs to anyone else going through eating disorders for any reasons (or immense best wishes if you prefer not to be touched.) No matter who you are, you’re not alone; and if you feel that nobody else cares then please try to remember that I care.
Sort of general advice for everyone looking for psychological help, here and elsewhere: you will see people giving strongly contradictory advice. In many cases that is because they are speaking based on their experience of what worked for them or for a friend. There is no one thing that works for everyone. Look through the advice you are getting and find something that works for you.
So much seconding @guy.
Many points to reply to; I hope I don’t skip anyone!
@SJA – I’m so glad you found a variety of supportive and knowledgeable voices here that already have increased your determination to make the changes you feel you want in your life.
@chiomara – what a lucky niece, to have a wardrobe of adorable soft shoes already waiting for her when she makes her appearance! The boots are the cutest things ever. Very impressive that you are recently self-taught and already able to turn out such lovely work.
TW: depression, self-harm, abuse
@winter_sky – You’re not alone in a lifelong struggle with depression, and it’s good that you have found, and feel safe opening up to, a knowledgeable and compassionate community full of people who have some idea of how you feel. I also have been depressed since childhood, medicated for the past 25 years, and and am familiar with the self-loathing and sense of being a waste of life. I have found cognitive therapy particularly helpful in vanquishing a harsh internal monologue, which in my case was largely based in early trauma and sexual abuse. I’ve undergone several distinct courses of therapy, and find that while I am able to recognize most self-destructive thought patterns on my own, every few years a brief tune-up from a therapist helps me sharpen my cognitive skills and coping methods and address destructive habits I’ve fallen into.
What @guy said is important in this area: there is no one-size-fits-all type of therapy. When you are hurting and not getting relief despite seeing professional after professional, it can feel as though you’re hunting for the elusive One Needle in a needlestack. It’s hard to keep persisting, especially if you are faced with a gantlet of unsympathetic-seeming doctors or therapists who don’t seem to take you seriously, or who react to your issues with shaming, judgmental, or minimizing language. But it is worth the search for a helper whose skills guide you toward self-acceptance, toward valuing and liking yourself as you are – not just as something to be “fixed”. Anyone reading this thread who is in this process, please persist in finding the care you need, and know that as you persist you have found a nonjudging group here who understand that the difficulties you grapple with every day are real, and sap a lot of energy and confidence from you. And if you are considering self-harm, please call a mental health hotline or suicide prevention center. Talking among ourselves can be supportive, but depression is a deadly disease, and suicide ideation is a crisis situation requiring immediate professional help.
One final note: in an earlier post in this thread I inadvertently used a mental-ablist phrase in referring to my household’s unrepentant love of kitty cats. My apologies to all.
@ winter sky and everyone else who is going through/been through depression:
I can relate to you so much, and I’m so sorry for what you are going through. You are not worthless. I know that this horrible mental illness known as depression will lie to you and tell you that you are worthless, selfish, letting everyone down, etc. But it’s not true. Not at all. You are a more than worthy person. You are worthy of having a good life and being free from this horrible disease. I know right now it may sound hypocritical of me to tell somebody else this when my own depression is making me feel the exact same way, but it’s easy to see that other people besides you are worthy. When you have depression, it seems like everyone but you deserves a good life. You begin to think that maybe you did something to bring it on yourself, or that it is your fault somehow. You feel so guilty for letting everyone else down or bringing them down. You feel like you do not deserve to live. I know because I have been there many times myself and I am there right now. All you can ever do is fight. It’s awesome that you decided to take the first step and reach out here. I know how hard it is to do even that. Remember: you are awesome, you are worthy, and you deserve to live. I hope everyone here who is going through depression or hard times tries to stay strong and remember that. I know how tough it is. Sending virtual hugs to anyone who would like them, and all my support and empathy to anyone who would not.
@EJ
I have heard some good things about cognitive behavior therapy. Perhaps I could combine CBT with a nutritionist to get the most out of treatment? It will be a while before I can start treatment because of our money situation, but I will be thinking things over and trying to consider the best options for my situation.
Also, I am very sorry you had to deal with that pressure from your mom as a child and it developed into disordered eating/an eating disorder. Hugs from me and my kitty if you would like them. I know that feeling of needing control all too well. I actually had something similar happen to me when I was a kid. (before I was anorexic, so around six years old) My first grade teacher was very nice otherwise, but in the lunchroom she would stand over kids who were maybe not that hungry and force them to eat. She would sit there, say something like “get that sandwich out now and start eating, and literally wait as long as she had to while you finished whatever it is she wanted you to eat. Even if she had to wait until way past lunch, all she would do is bring your work into the lunchroom while you ate. That experience really traumatized me because even at that age I didn’t feel in control and I felt like I was being forced. I hated it so much.
@everyone who offered helpful suggestions and support
Thanks to everyone for all the suggestions and helpful advice, it really has made me feel better and like there is hope for me. Part of it was that I was so overwhelmed that it was hard to consider my options, especially considering the concerns about money. I am starting to feel like I have more control over my treatment plan and am taking steps to save money and work out the best possible plan for me. I think I will be going for a combination of CBT and seeing a nutritionist. I really like the idea of intuitive eating and that sounds like the best thing that could work for me, so I’m going to ask about it when I am able to get help.
I am very glad I decided to get this off my chest and take steps to get help. I have been carrying this burden by myself and feeling alone for far too long it seems.
EJ,
did we ever actually get someone to verify we weren’t the same person?
When people actually consult me and reuse my good idea, I still have trouble finding that positive, encouraging the one who actually implement my ideas, and advice them. I still feel aggravated that it’s not ME who do it from A to Z, and I have trouble accepting that as recognition, so I still feel unrecognized and useless.
I also feel perpetually down, but not quite as down as when I did a clinical depression. I kind of fear getting on any kind of medications. Not sure what is the wise move/
Leda Atomica
Ha! Me too. I think it’s because the first thing I ever crocheted was an afghan (a friend taught me to make granny squares) and a guy I was casually dating at the time talked me into giving it to him. I instantly regretted it and did for a long time.
winter_sky, you are a wonderful, worthwhile person and I really hope you can get the help you need/want. And also keep us posted, if you can. I’ll be watching for posts and sending good thoughts!
Social Justice Atheist, good luck with your nutritionist, I hope they’re great! I’m 55 and never had any triggers until I lost my dad last Fall. Now I have a couple; the worst one, as it happens, eating related! Not my eating, though, but hearing about other people not eating/losing their appetite. It seems to come up in all sorts of dramas in popular culture and it’s hard to watch movies or TV shows or even read books sometimes.
Paradoxy, hope your sleep problems get better soon! Mine are ongoing and involve staying asleep; getting to sleep isn’t my problem but it’s all frustrating as hell when you don’t get enough. I’ll be able to watch your new video once I get back from my dad’s (I have a laptop I bring with me and the sound is for crap.)
Nequam, so glad to hear your dad is better! Good dad news makes my day!!
@Orion:
IIRC you’re French and I’m South African. Does that prevent us from being degenerate?
@Social Justice Atheist:
Thanks. Thanks a great deal.
Hambeast, Social Justice Beastie
Ha! I totally get that! Something you created went for *some guy*
I love the idea of an afghan!