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“Slutty women are like bad cheeseburgers,” Red Pill dude explains

Hey , girl, will you lettuce buy you a drink?
Hey , girl, will you lettuce buy you a drink?

Over on the Red Pill subreddit — where alpha dogs discuss their alphahood and trade fake stories about their alleged sexual conquests with other alpha dogs — one of the subreddit’s top “endorsed” commenters is worried that some of his comrades in lady-manipulation think too highly of the slutty sluts they say they’re banging.

In a post with 267 upvotes, at last count, CisWhiteMaelstrom warns fellow Red Pillers to be careful lest their Red Pill knowledge inadvertently “sexually empower women.” Indeed, he reports with a certain horror, these Red Pill dudes

project fantasies onto these women of having endless amounts of only the best sex and of having endless amounts of servants and power. … he’s elevated [sluts] to such a status that he could never attain it himself, even if he doesn’t actually want the chick because she’s just too slutty.

And then Mr. Maelstrom puts forward the most, well, delicious Red Pill metaphor I’ve seen for some time.

The truth is that slutty women are like bad cheeseburgers. Nobody actually wants a Big Mac, but it’s right there, it’s ready now, and it doesn’t cost much.

I beg to differ. Sometimes I really want a Big Mac.

Nobody finds Amy Scheumer [sic] attractive, but the reproductive cost for men is just low enough that he’ll get it up when she’s broadcasting her immediate availability.

How exactly does one go about determining the “reproductive cost” of having sex with Amy Schumer, or any other woman that these guys like to pretend they “wouldn’t bang” in the unlikely event that they were given the chance? What exactly is “the reproductive cost” for men,” anyway? Their sperm?

Is all that just that a fancy way of saying that dudes don’t worry about using up their sperm on some lady who isn’t a 10 because they know they can always just make more sperm? And why are we talking about sperm in a discussion about cheeseburgers anyway?

Nobody respects the Cheeseburger Sluts and no woman wants to be a Cheeseburger Slut. They don’t sit there planning how to use Cheeseburger appeal to leverage the best genes, they just make desperate impulsive decisions.

What sort of “desperate impulsive” cheeseburger decisions are these Cheeseburger Sluts making? Putting two slices of cheese on their heads instead of one? Slathering themselves in mayo in addition to the standard ketchup and mustard? Adding bacon to themselves for an additional 85 cents?

Crap, I’m making myself hungry.

From what I see, the cheeseburger life isn’t even much of a party. They fuck one or two guys per year and feel bad about it. 

Those Cheeseburger Sluts are definitely sour!

What’s even worse is that these Cheeseburger Sluts aren’t even thinking rationally about who they’re having sex with.

Part of the reason women give such bad dating advice is because they genuinely do not know what they like or how to judge a man’s attractiveness. They aren’t rational enough to think logically about who’s a good choice to fuck or even what they like to look at.

Damn, ladies, don’t you even STEM?

They go for men who other women go for because they need to be told who they’re attracted to. They go for men who treat them like shit because they assume he’s earned the right by being so excellent, even if she can’t figure out how.

Luckily, the Red Pillers understand the ladies even better than the ladies understand themselves.

The system’s got an internal logic to it and TRP basically figured it out. If you play the game right then it’s pretty easy to exploit, but a lot of guys don’t do it.

That’s right. Instead, some of these dudes forget the Red Pill basics and actually try to win over women with … resources! 

I call these guys “The Red Blue Pillers”. They think to themselves: “I’m worth X and she might theoretically get more than that, so I’ll close the gap by throwing some time or resources in.” He’s screwing himself by thinking that she’s more rational than she actually is… .

Wouldn’t this depend on what resources the guy uses to get the girls? I mean, say, coal is a classic old school resource, but most women don’t have coal-burning stoves these days. Uranium is super powerful, but it might turn her babies into mutants if she doesn’t have the proper containment system set up. It’s pretty complicated!

When he spends those resources, he’s not sweetening the deal like he thinks he is. He’s making her second guess him. She’s not thinking that he’s now worth “X plus time and resources”. She’s wondering what he’s compensating for and his effort actually lowers his value.

So in conclusion, go Red Pill! Boo Red Blue Pill!

Mr. Maelstrom’s post has gotten nearly 90 comments so far. I would read through them all but frankly all I can think about right now is cheeseburgers.

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Imaginary Petal (formerly dhag85, trying out pronouns - they/their)
Imaginary Petal (formerly dhag85, trying out pronouns - they/their)
5 years ago

For the vegetarians I can recommend beetroot patties.

For every pound of beetroot, use approximately 2-3 potatoes. Boil the beets for 1 hour (skip if using pre-boiled), and the potatoes for 15 minutes. Finely grate beets and potatoes, and mix thoroughly. Add 1 onion, finely chopped, 1 egg, salt/pepper, other seasoning (I suggest thyme), and as much breadcrumbs as you think you’ll need. Form patties and fry in a pan using a tiny bit of butter. Flip after 5-ish minutes.

Don’t forget to put pickles and goat cheese on that burger. It’s sofisticated.

Dr. NicolaLuna
Dr. NicolaLuna
5 years ago

Dr. NicolaLuna, I think you more than qualify. You sound like a slutty beanburger with fries!

This made me laugh so much. I accept the title!

Skiriki
Skiriki
5 years ago

For vegetarian fare: start with stuff you’d use for falafel, but make patties instead. Instant deliciousness.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
5 years ago

I have found with my foray into the veggie lifestyle that I’m missing certain textures when it comes to meat, and home made burgers is definitely one of them!

Imaginary Petal (formerly dhag85, trying out pronouns - they/their)
Imaginary Petal (formerly dhag85, trying out pronouns - they/their)
5 years ago

@Alan

Try jackfruit based meat substitutes.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
5 years ago

@ IP

Just had a Google. That definitely fills some gaps in my new diet pallette!

I’ll have to track some down. Ironically, in Cornwall, the best place is going to be a posh food mall that also does my favourite salt beef! I’m probably going to have to do some Clockwork Orange type thing with a butcher’s advertisement and some electrodes.

Imaginary Petal (formerly dhag85, trying out pronouns - they/their)
Imaginary Petal (formerly dhag85, trying out pronouns - they/their)
5 years ago

@Alan

All movie references are lost on me. Sorry. :p

My favorite meat substitute products are Quorn brand, which is fungus based and made specifically to mimic the texture of meat products. Their burgers are the best fake burgers I’ve had so far. They’re headquartered in England and you should be able to find their products. I can highly recommend the chicken fillets and meatballs of the same brand.

Victorious Parasol
Victorious Parasol
5 years ago

@ Alan

Will you be shouting, “Free my glazzies!” as you go?

Moggie
Moggie
5 years ago

Quorn is widely known in the UK. I tend not to use much faux meat myself, but I do rather like their “chicken and mushroom” pies, when I’m lazy.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
5 years ago

I’m lactose intolerant, so cheeseburgers have never done it for me. However, I’ve recently discovered an extremely nice Welsh sheep’s cheese which might work.

Also, I’ll second beetroot on burgers. It’s truly decadent. A real New Zealand style burger made with pineapple, beetroot, watercress, a fried egg and a hamburger patty (or vegetarian analogue) is one of the finest things ever.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
5 years ago

@ IP

I recommend Clockwork Orange to anyone interested in penal policy. It should be compulsory viewing for all Home Secretaries.

I’ve been using a lot of the Quorn stuff. Over here it’s advertised by Mo Farrah and I like him (this from the guy who claims advertising doesn’t affect him)

It’s great for cooked stuff like curries and even stir fry. The cold meat substitutes perhaps not so much. Ham sandwich smothered in proper mustard fine, with salads not so much. Still, it’s early days yet. 🙂

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
5 years ago

@ vikki p

Of course. Proper Droog me! 🙂

WeirwoodTreeHugger
WeirwoodTreeHugger
5 years ago

Fried cheese skirt?

WANT.

In my area, the juicy Lucy is popular. You put the cheese between two thin patties so that it’s in the middle of the burger instead of on top. It keeps the meat moist and the cheese in the middle gets all melty and spurty when you bite into it.

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
5 years ago

Note to all lurking MRAs: I am eating a cheeseburger right now. Cower before my greasy but delicious misandry!

(Okay, it’s McDonald’s, but I can’t cook for shit and don’t like beetroot or goat cheese anyway.)

Newt
Newt
5 years ago

Alan: For fake-meat burgers in the UK, you could do a lot worse than Tesco Meat-Free (soya) burgers. They’re normally on offer (2 boxes of 8 for £3), and they’re ready after a minute in the microwave. Sainsburys used to do similar, but they seem to have been discontinued in favour of breadcrumb-covered bean/vegetable burgers.
I only go to Quorn for their chicken-style pieces. I prefer “Meet The Alternative” for mince, though I haven’t tried squishing it into burgers.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
5 years ago

@ newt

You had me at “on offer”! 🙂

Luzbelitx
5 years ago

Ohhhh now after reading all the comments I’m really, really hungry (it is also almost lunchtime, so there’s that).

I think I’ll head for McDonald’s, and instead of having the occasional CBO I enjoy so much, it’ll be a Quarter Pounder… no, a double Quarter Pounder!!

You people have stood in my way long enough: I’m going to have a damn cheeseburger!!

Ellesar
Ellesar
5 years ago

All I can say is if slutty women are like bad cheeseburgers then sluttymen must be like bad hot dogs.

epitome of incomprehensibility

@EJ (The Other One): Also lactose intolerant, so gooey cheese doesn’t like me, but aged cheese like older cheddar is fine. One of the chemistry tutors at my workplace explained that the aging process has enzymes that break down the lactose.

And I just realized I haven’t had a burger of any sort for weeks.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
5 years ago

the cheeseburger life isn’t even much of a party

Livin’ la vida hamburguesa con queso…

They aren’t rational enough to think logically about who’s a good choice to fuck or even what they like to look at.

Since when has attraction ever been logical or rational? Are people supposed to be doing a cost-benefit analysis and flowcharts every time rutting season approaches?

Bina
5 years ago

I just saw the most amazing comment on an Ask The Red Pill thread:

I can literally only pull girls 18-21. Women 22+ don’t take me seriously and basically realize I’m just a douchebag…

So close to self-awareness, and yet still so far away…

Valentine
Valentine
5 years ago

Is there like some kind of reproductive exchange rate that we can look at to determine the ‘reproductive cost’ before we go on a night out? It would be such a shame to get short changed if the market isn’t good. -_-

Valentine
Valentine
5 years ago

On a side note I thought soy was consider non vegetarian/vegan because of the environmental cost? Cutting down the rainforest to grow it etc.

GenJones
GenJones
5 years ago

For a decadent vegetarian burger I recommend a taking a patty-sized portabello mushroom, stuffing it with finely chopped eggplant and zucchini fried with bread crumbs, topping with caramelized onion and melting swiss or gruyere cheese to form a cohesive bond to help hold it together. Toast your bun to counterbalance the wet, because it can get pretty juicy. Great with a side of baked sweet potato and carrot fries.

My cooking skillz are too bomb to waste on a non-feminist man.

Newt
Newt
5 years ago

@Valentine:

Soy might not be sustainable/ethical/responsible. However, that’s not what “vegetarian” or “vegan” means.

Certain Quorn products are known to not be vegan – though I think they’ve finally stopped using battery eggs.

Valentine
Valentine
5 years ago

@newt I always thought besides animal cruelty the main drive behind vegan and vegetarian was to be sustainable and protect the environment. I’m not either though so I can’t really comment. I was just wondering. My friend who is vegan says she doesn’t eat soy for that reason and takes almond milk and so on instead. Apparently you can make cheese from almonds. O_o

Tabby Lavalamp
Tabby Lavalamp
5 years ago

They go for men who other women go for because they need to be told who they’re attracted to.

Is it possible to get injured from irony overload?

anon
anon
5 years ago

Oh god, where do I even begin.

Someone must have fucked a lot of sandwiches.

His idea of a three way: Sticking his cock in a double cheeseburger.

He makes his own special sauce.

He told his fellow red pillers that he had foreign sex. He got caught making tacos which is why he was fired from Taco Bell.

He banged a HB10, although fellow red pillers say that she’s an HB8 because thumbs aren’t fingers, they’re digits.

Yan
Yan
5 years ago

Man, I haven’t seen Cheeseburger Sluts since they played CBGBs. I heard they kind of lost their edge after rehab.

Newt
Newt
5 years ago

I always thought besides animal cruelty the main drive behind vegan and vegetarian was to be sustainable and protect the environment.

Most (75%-85%, according to quickly-googled sources) of the world’s soy is being used in meat production. Humans eating soy instead of meat (that the soy went into) are not the cause of all that soy-based deforestation.

http://www.soyatech.com/soy_facts.htm

World soybean production has increased by over 500 percent in the last 40 years, and it will continue to grow on strong demand for animal feed

Dr. NicolaLuna
Dr. NicolaLuna
5 years ago

Any vegans here that know of actual nice vegan cheese? I love cheese so much and it’s the only thing I miss from when I was just vegetarian.

All the vegan cheese I’ve tried so far tastes awful and the texture makes me gag. It’s like something that’s been scraped from under toenails.

Skiriki
Skiriki
5 years ago

FYI, almond farming is an ecological catastrophy in making, and as a result of that, I’ve cut down my fave nuts to nom on to an occasional treat. So swapping from soy milk to almond milk is not going to save the environment… 🙁

AW
AW
5 years ago

@Imaginary Petal: Quorn! I miss it so. Used to get it all the time when I lived in London. I particularly liked their Scotch Eggs!

leftwingfox
leftwingfox
5 years ago

Personal favorite burger recipe: 1/2 sirloin, 1/2 chuck, salt, pepper, and worcester sauce. Grind in a food processor for 8 pulses, (or in a meat grinder if you have one), measure out into 5.5 oz meatballs, then flatten.

Serve medium well on kaiser or pretzel buns with provolone, a thin layer of mayo, dijon, and field mix lettuces.

katz
5 years ago

Though, I have a question for everyone: What kind of cheese do you like on your burgers? And I’m not just talking variety, but I also mean sliced, grated, crumbled, ect.

I have to go with sliced cheese because every burger I’ve ever made is a precarious skyscraper that sheds half its ingredients on its way to your mouth. Grated cheese would never survive.

Moggie
Moggie
5 years ago

katz:

I have to go with sliced cheese because every burger I’ve ever made is a precarious skyscraper that sheds half its ingredients on its way to your mouth. Grated cheese would never survive.

Ha! Your puny burgers are as nothing compared to creative Japanese gluttony! Try this!

msexceptiontotherule
msexceptiontotherule
5 years ago

@Skiriki

REINDEER?! Nooooooooooo! We can’t kill Rudolph and the rest of the sleigh-pullers!!

But seriously, what is this thing called a “tall ring mould”? (Both you *and* PI said…shrinkage…**dissolves into giggles**)

AW
AW
5 years ago

@Dr. NicolaLuna

I’ve made a vegan cheese that worked out pretty nicely. The only commercial one I can find around here is Daiyon, and it’s so sickly sweet, I can’t even.

Can’t find the recipe I used, but there are tonnes on Yummly.
http://www.yummly.com/recipes?q=vegan+cheese

Hambeast, Social Justice Beastie
Hambeast, Social Justice Beastie
5 years ago

Just finished comments page one.

Victorious Parasol

I like mine with lettuce and tomato
Heinz 57 and french fried potatoes
Big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer
Well, good god a-mighty, which way do I steer?

… it had to be sung.

I guess the Cheeseburger Sluts are a country band?

I can do easy percussion (tambourine, etc.) and sing backup (15 yrs. in choir, I’m very good; don’t even need to stick my finger in my ear to block out the melody) but I get too nervous to sing lead! /Off Topic

On Topic: I have always known very well who I do and do not like to look at/fuck. These guys live in terror that this is the truth so they write screeds like this as if they were magical incantations.

In order to feel like worthy humans, they have to turn cis/het women into an inferior species in their minds (alas, doing so does not make it true.) It comes close enough (for them) because they exclude non-hot, non-cis, and non-het women from their calculations and this allows them to lean on the “ditzy blonde gold-digger” trope most heavily. This is not to say that ditzy gold-diggers don’t exist, but they’re pretty rare in reality.

Imaginary Petal (formerly dhag85, trying out pronouns - they/their)
Imaginary Petal (formerly dhag85, trying out pronouns - they/their)
5 years ago

@Valentine

Speaking for myself, I have a very difficult time trying to feel immediate concern for the environment. I understand that protecting the environment is important but I can’t genuinely feel it on a personal level. I’m a vegetarian because I love animals, and eating them grosses me out.

@NicolaLuna

I have given up on trying to find good vegan cheese. Several times I’ve seen people recommend a vegan cheese with the motivation that it’s not gross like all other vegan cheese, but it’s never true. It’s always gross!

Mr. Andry
Mr. Andry
5 years ago

Lettuce discuss this cheesy metaphor. It seems they think there mayo be something to it, but I’m left thinking, “Where’s the beef?”

Nady
Nady
5 years ago

So what I got from this is that of I have lots of sex, I get lots of cheesburgers as a result. Has the place this guy from, have a cheeseburger based economy? If so what can I trade them in for? God! I could live like a QUEEN!!!
(The first one i get, I’m going to eat though. That guy is fantastic at subliminal advertising!)

Valentine
Valentine
5 years ago

@newt
Well the more you know! But then that is also a good reason to stop eating meat
@skiriki
That’s a shame. Nuts are so important for when you’re vegan. :/ but then maybe now soy is okay

Nequam
Nequam
5 years ago

@NicolaLuna– speaking as a non-vegetarian who’s tried various vegetarian/vegan things, I thought the Chao “cheese” made by Field Roast wasn’t bad. (Their sausages are excellent, and I recommended some to friends of mine who aren’t vegetarians, but keep kosher and might want to liven up a veggie lasagna from time to time.)

In general, the only vegan cheese-type foods I thought were good were nut-based analogues of really soft cheeses like Brie, and nutritional yeast as a Parmigiano substitute. Attempts to do merely firm cheeses like cheddar have been, alas, generally a wash.

Dr. NicolaLuna
Dr. NicolaLuna
5 years ago

@AW
Ooh I hadn’t thought of making my own, thanks for that.

@Imaginary Petal
I’m going to try vegan mozzarella and also vegan cream cheese. I’m hoping the texture will be better on those. If not I’ll begin my quest to make the perfect vegan cheese.

Hambeast, Social Justice Beastie
Hambeast, Social Justice Beastie
5 years ago

Finished comments page 2.

LindsayIrene: I had to sing that, it was glorious!

Mortarius

Moral of the story? Don’t limit your horizons with an itemised list of what you want, even things that normally turn you away can work with certain combinations of other traits.

I have found this to be true as well!

Pony’s Labia – Have you commented here before under another user name? Just curious. I used to be Twincats, btw.

Paradoxical Intention - Resident Cheeseburger Slut

Dr. NicolaLuna | February 18, 2016 at 3:09 am
I’m also baffled by the fact that one or two partners a year makes you a slut. Seriously? One??

In that case I’d like to apply to PI to be part of this cheeseburger sluts group. There are 49 men on my resumè and a few women. Do I qualify? Or am I excluded because I don’t feel bad about a single one of them? Does the fact that I’m vegan impact on anything?

comment image

katz | February 18, 2016 at 11:40 am
I have to go with sliced cheese because every burger I’ve ever made is a precarious skyscraper that sheds half its ingredients on its way to your mouth. Grated cheese would never survive.

Maybe you didn’t melt it enough? I try to put a pan lid over my burgers if I have to use shredded cheese (or if I want shredded mozzarella or something), and that way it melts super quickly without me having to worry about the bottom of my burger burning.

Valentine
Valentine
5 years ago

@imaginary petal
I’m not vegetarian but I’m trying to be (when I’m home at least it’s difficult to keep up on a ship unless you wanr to spend your life eating only boiled rice and salad :/) but although I agree on the animal cruelty front it was then environment aspect that also inspired me a lot. After I signed off once in port klang and saw how for miles upon miles as far as you could see the rainforest had been cut down and replaced with palm trees for their oil thats when I really started thinking about it. Every summer the malacca straits are covered by smoke from forest fires in kalimantan and johor when the palms catch fire. So I thought I would also cut out things like palm oil based foods and soy based food. Now looks like almonds too X(

Leda Atomica
Leda Atomica
5 years ago

It’s just so hard to resist me when I’m so delicious.

http://cdn77.sadanduseless.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/stuck9.jpg

Hambeast, Social Justice Beastie
Hambeast, Social Justice Beastie
5 years ago

katz

I have to go with sliced cheese because every burger I’ve ever made is a precarious skyscraper that sheds half its ingredients on its way to your mouth. Grated cheese would never survive.

Agreed. This is also why I disapprove of shredded lettuce on burgers (lookin’ at you Habit and Del Taco) and also side-eye sauteed mushrooms, guacamole, chili, and other sloppy burger add-ons. FTR, I don’t like bacon on burgers or even sandwiches, either.

Didn’t Carl’s Jr./Hardee’s have a burger with pastrami on it at one time?

Edited to add: that’s FTR as in for the record, not for that reason!