Open Thread for Personal Stuff: January 2016 Prairie Dog Hug Edition

@SFHC
Happy birthday!

I envy your ability to live in the future. I hope that we’ve resolved all environmental issues, we’ve eliminated war, and that the MRM has re-formed into an organic gardening group.

What ThatHobbitGuy wrote resonated with me – or maybe I just paid attention to the bits I felt I ‘got’ and missed a lot more.

When I was with the person I married I wanted very much to be able to solve or resolve our problems and move on. I thought this was possible, or at least desirable. We’re both intelligent people who care about one another. We should be able to do this. But it became clear that we couldn’t. Neither of us really had the tools or the relative objectivity to work things out.

Many of the problems that I thought were soluble were actually symptoms of deeper issues. So even though we might spend all night arguing/discussing why I said “X” the other day, that same incident would still be an issue a month later – six months later – years later. Whatever fear that made “X” ominous was not always unearthed.

Both of us were insecure in our own ways, and the combination was complementary in a way that helped these respective habits of mind worse. I could be less demonstrative out of fear of rejection, and that would be interpreted by my partner as rejection. It was a kind of dance – when one retreated out of self-protection the other advanced trying to reassure.

I have a fear of anger, as that was one of the few emotions that was freely expressed in my childhood home. I fear it in others and I fear it in myself. So in personal relationships I tend to want to avoid conflict, and that avoidance disrupts communication. Acting in ways to prevent anger in another or oneself ultimately become inauthentic, which is itself frightening for anyone who feels unlovable.

In the end the marriage was not saved. Which may or may not be a good thing. Neither our individual counseling nor counseling as a couple were able to reverse the trend. It would have been great had we been able to build on the good parts that made us happy, but somehow in the end we made each other unhappy.

I’m not sure if there will be romantic love in my future. But being alone is preferable to that experience of seeing yourself hurt someone you care about, and the frustration of its inevitability.

@ SFHC

Does seem that way. January 9 for me.

Paradoxy 😀 I’ll be keeping an eye out!

authorialAlchemy

I understand that some character designers created boobplate because it’s hard to tell what gender your character is while wearing armor, especially with a helmet, but there are other ways of feminising an outfit.

Not to mention that the characters can appear out of armor! Makes for a nice surprise. I agree that set of armor is quite feminine, even the helm has lovely lines!

Dhag: To add to the good dad list, my dad was a gentle giant; not that he was super huge (6′ and somewhere over 200 lbs his whole adult life) but he wore a buzz cut most of the time and looked “mean” as he would say. He also said this kept him off of a lot of jury panels! Actually, he was very patient, alsways allowing small me to follow him doggedly whenever he was home and answering endless questions. He never told his only daughter that she couldn’t do any given thing because she was a girl and was proud when I went into the US Air Force. After I became an adult, I also figured out that he was also quite shy; possibly because working on farm equipment in his youth left him hard of hearing.

Mom and dad had their fights, but always made up. They were married until my mom died of lymphoma in 1981. After that, dad learned to cook more than just waffles and cinnamon toast, grew many of his own fruits and vegetables, and generally got along very well until about 7 years ago when he had a car accident on his way to visit me. I guess it was driving cars for the rental agency he worked for for 30 years because he decided then and there he wasn’t going to drive anymore. I was very privileged to be able to help him stay in his home until he died last October. I very much doubt any manurospherian would have had the guts to call him a mangina to his face!

D&D online isn’t a thing?

dhag85:
It is, but is has its own issues, among which is that it’s not meatspace (although it has advantages too). My last several games have been online, but you’ve got the same problem you find in pretty much all geek spaces, which is a large number of jackwagons like erica described in the OP.

Speaking of good dads, mine was a bit different. He was a very quiet, completely undemonstrative man. He was also like this socially. Though mum says that, somehow, she never worked it out, when they met a group of new people – say on one of those holiday bus tours – she’d find that they were attached, within a few hours, to the rowdiest bunch of good-time folks. He seemed to be attracted to and congenial with people as unlike himself as could possibly be. And he loved ballroom dancing.

He was also one of those _reliable_ people. I can’t remember a time when he wasn’t secretary or treasurer or some other office holder of a social or church or sports club committee. Apparently he was much the same there as at home. Everyone else – but not him – would discuss a proposal endlessly and, when they’d all run out of ideas or things to say, he’d then summarise where they’d got to and they’d suddenly find themselves with a solution or a definite proposal.

One thing stands out. He wasn’t huggy or kissy or verbally effusive with any of us. When I said he was quiet, I meant it. He never told us this particular conversation happened. He never told mum. One of the people at church told mum a week or so later.

After church one evening when my sister and I were in our teens, dad was in the usual men’s huddle outside having a smoke and one of them said My word, Norm, you’ve got a beautiful daughter. (Only one of us was at church obviously.) Without a pause, without getting all excited, no big deal, quite calm, he sort of grunted-growled (don’t know better words, but that’s what he often did) “I’ve got two beautiful daughters.”

Never once in the almost 60 years I had him did he say he loved me or tell me I was beautiful. But, somehow or another, in all that time I felt secure, loved, worthy of him and in tune with him.

Never once in the almost 60 years I had him did he say he loved me or tell me I was beautiful. But, somehow or another, in all that time I felt secure, loved, worthy of him and in tune with him.

I recognize this. Neither of my parents have ever said “I love you” to me or my brother. When I realized other people’s parents sometimes do this, I was very surprised and confused. As an adult I find those words (in Swedish) very difficult/awkward to say to my wife, but in English I have no problem with it.

And my grandparents never said it either, but it wasn’t necessary. Even though I can’t understand a single word of what my mom says, she’s always been supportive and all that.

I’ve never played D&D but I’ve always wanted to. It’s just never quite worked out. If someone more talented than myself were to put an online Mammotheer group together, I would love to join, if that wasn’t a problem.

NEW RANT:

So, a new vegan “butcher” shop just opened up here in Minneapolis. I had been looking forward to it for many weeks. But now, it looks like there’ll be no tasty vegan faux meats for us; they decided to celebrate their grand opening by booking the PETA “Lettuce Ladies” to stand around in 19 degree weather outside wearing lettuce-shaped bikinis serving samples to people in line. 19 fucking degrees.

I let them know what I thought of that, and of PETA, on their FB event page and subsequently got massively and personally harassed. Of course, I’m CLEARLY anti-vegan and anti-sex, and “morally bankrupt” for bullying a poor, defenseless small business.

LG,
That sucks. PETA: protesting meat by treating women like meat since, I dunno, whenever they started.

I’ll have to let people know about this if they talk about shopping there in my earshot.

I’ve never played D&D but I did some tabletop roleplaying in my teens, mainly Swedish games like this one:

http://www.kaptenkrok.se/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/500×500/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/r/o/rollspel-eon-011.jpg