An open thread for personal stuff. As usual, this thread is a NO TROLLS/NO MRAS zone.
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Open Thread for Personal Stuff: January 2016 Prairie Dog Hug Edition
We Hunted The MammothBucking the Backlash
We Hunted The MammothAn open thread for personal stuff. As usual, this thread is a NO TROLLS/NO MRAS zone.
Dear Readers:
Why is it so controversial to ask why in a city of 620,000 people there’s no queer-friendly, woman-friendly pickup gaming (was hoping for RPG, but we can talk tabletop) space?
I got banhammered for asking this question in a group about gaming spaces. Predictably by a white guy with a fedora and a header imploring me to vote for Trump, which I’m pretty sure I won’t do on top of that he ain’t winning Oregon.
Speaking of which, if any of you know how to get a white supremacist militia out of your state, hmu.
Yes, I know gaming is small potatoes, but I’m recently relocated and gaming is one of those things that gives me happiness and isn’t really workable online and and and. In other words I’m sorry it’s whiny, but I just wanna play some D&D, folks.
xoxo,
Erica
David,
I like the prairie dogs, but it’s squirrel appreciation day. So how about some squirrel hugs?
http://www.outdoorphoto.community/gallery/data/517/medium/FSD3960-ODP.jpg
http://www.in-a-village.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/article-1132023-033C8F98000005DC-839_634x417.jpg
Erica, ascendant
You don’t sound whiny at all! It’s important to have a social outlet, and it’s completely reasonable to want a safe way to carry out your hobby and meet cool new people. The mod who banned you sounds like a real douche.
Erica: I feel your pain. I’m lucky to live in a large city where lots of groups are gaming all the time, but I never feel…welcome? there. Partially due to the whole “cishet white dudebro” bunch, and partially due to my own anxiety about meeting new people. I’d love to get with a newbie-queer-woman friendly group and learn how to play Vampire: The Masquerade, and I know there are games going on in my city, but I’m very hesitant to go.
Hopefully, when I can finally afford to move out of this house, I can get a game going with my new roommates where I can learn in private before doing a more public game.
And it’s not small potatoes, and you’re not whiny. It matters to you, so it’s important. :3
But, allow me to be whiny: It’s fucking Vampire Awareness Week over here, and I feel like shiiiiit. It’s not helping my depression that I feel like hell froze over because my uterus is plotting my demise, either. I feel like garbage and can’t get anything done, then I feel like garbage because nothing’s done.
Also (NSFW and TMI): I was blessed enough to be linked to a site that does cutesy custom collars/cuffs/leashes/ballgags for kink play, and I’m very happy about this. I’m into BDSM, but I don’t always feel like that ‘black leather’/’faux masquerade’ look, y’know? Sometimes I just want to be adorable while being tied up. uvu
There was a discussion in another thread about sexism in diagnoses, specifically relating to BPD and PTSD. I didn’t want to bring this up there, as it seemed inappropriate, but I’ve recently had my own experience with gender stereotyping and diagnosis. My therapist, who I’ve been seeing for a couple months now, is pretty sure that I have ADD. She thinks it has gone undiagnosed because it presents in a way that’s quite typical in women – which is to say, very different from the stereotypical little boy running around everywhere. Like many girls and women, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression instead. Not that those aren’t accurate; it’s just the underlying cause was missed.
Next week I’m scheduled for a joint consultation with my therapist and her psychiatrist colleague to discuss starting a very low dosage of ADHD medication, to see if it might help me make some positive changes in my life. I’m cautiously optimistic.
I haven’t written a diary since I was a teenager, so I’ll see if the method of writing down stuff still works as a stress relief. This should serve as a warning that there might be some angst ahead.
Last summer they started asbestos work in my block of flats. It’s been non stop noise since, and it started to drive the dog (and myself) into desperation. The block board in its infinite wisdom combined the asbestos work with a plumbing rework and bathroom remodel work for each individual flat and then went hell, put in new electric stuff too. Ah well, it’ll all be sorted then. Until the next big work of course.
Well, now that they started working inside the flats I packed my stuff and fled with my trusted wolf companion. Too bad the only place to go was (*sigh*) my dad’s house. This is not a smaller stress factor than having people come in my home and rip it apart, but it takes a load off the wolf companion. He tells me he has kind of a good hearing. I buy it because his ears are massive, proud and furry compared to my skinflaps.
But the ears of my soul are massive, proud and probably furry. And my father is an offense on all sensibilities. So far I’ve used my one and only survival method: silence. I’ve been silent through personal insults and criticism, homophobia, racist remarks, sexist remarks and his constant negativity towards everyone everywhere. He only lets this shit rip around me. It’s frightening how he changes into a personable guy the second he picks up the phone or someone else is present.
He is also throwing fuel into the remodel work fire. Since he partly owns my flat (I own the rest), he decided my bathroom also needs tile work. He refused to use the guys who are already working at my flat (they made an offer) and insists he “has a guy”. I then had to call around to find out what one does in this situation. I got clear instructions and forwarded them to my father. The only request was to contact the workers about his “own guy” so they can work out a chedule and tax stuff etc. The problem is that my father doesn’t take instructions that well if they are coming from me. He always talks to me like I have no clue what I’m doing or talking about. Even though I am now a grownup and have lived on my own for a decade it still gets me. I hate feeling like I’m 11 again.
I’m afraid all this will knock me back after all my efforts battling with mental health issues. The latest inclusion, panic disorder, is certainly acting up worse and I’ve had to take medication for singular attacks during the day. This hasn’t happened in a long time, as I’ve managed to only have to take the meds during night time panic attacks for months now.
I have to do all of my panic attacks and med taking in secret so I will not trigger any possible drama. As I said, silence is the best umbrella in this house. Just walk around with purpose and keep the tone breezy.
There is tons more, dog-related and otherwise, but I’m kind of exhausted even after writing this down. I hope it made some sense as I’m kind of having to constantly steady my nerves. This might lead to unreadable stream of consciousness.
On the upside, the winter is exceptionally beautiful at the moment, and where I am now has great walking opportunities with the dog. It’s kept between -13 and -23 celcius. It was -21 just now as I got back from my morning dog walk.
This was the weather yesterday:
http://i11.aijaa.com/b/00972/14080375.jpg
An unfortunately common superpower among difficult people :-/ wishing you well.
So, I figure this might be a good place to vent: I need to start saving up money to move out of my grandma’s house.
I actually recently had a mental breakdown in front of my grandma, and I’m very upset that it happened. I didn’t want to have a breakdown, but I did. I also have to put up with a lot of passive-aggressive fighting, I can’t say anything about anything that’s bothering me at all, or else I get an earfull about everyone else’s problems and how hard everyone else has it (this also happened after I started crying during my breakdown. It was “bills” this and “your aunt’s job is so hard” that. Hell, the few times I’ve asked for bus money so I could go do freelance work after my internship was over I’ve gotten “I don’t have money! I had to pay [bills]!”). I can’t take much more of it. I love my family, but it would be so much better for my mental health if I was out of this house.
I also can’t find work in California. Every time I submit an application to a job, I always get passed over for some reason.
So, I’m trying to save up money to move in with friends in Raleigh, NC. It’s very far, and thus very expensive. I need (roughly) 5,000 by June of this year, or else I’ll miss my window.
This is how I’ve broken the costs down (roughly):
$3,000 – For renting a storage container and having it moved to the new place
$300 – For plane tickets to get there
The rest will be extra to cover living expenses (rent will be $250 per month) until I can secure a job. My future roommate has also told me that he would be able to get me work at the Walgreens where he works, but I would like a safety net in case that doesn’t go through.
However, I’m concerned. I can’t find work, I’m broke as fuck, I don’t even have a working phone of my own, and I’m not sure what else I can do to earn the money I need. I’ve tried commissions (and will more than likely have to attempt to do them again), and of course I plug my stores whenever possible.
I’m also considering opening up an etsy store for digital downloads (as I can’t afford to do physical printing on my own yet, and etsy offers that as an option) for things like planner stickers and layouts. And I have a fiverr account that I really need to put to good use that I can use to make sigils and logos and the like. (And actually USE my degree.)
I don’t want to just ask for it, because that would make me feel awful about it because I know so many other people are having a hard time right now and need money for lots of things, and I’m trying to plan out things I can do to just get a bit of money, which sucks because it’s so hard to advertise this sort of thing, and I can only reach so many people.
I don’t want this to feel like a call-to-action for people, but rather I just needed to vent because I’m just so overwhelmed by how much I’m going to have to do, and it feels impossible right now.
My father is the same way. I remember when I was much younger just not understanding who this man was in front of me when his coworkers were around. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
Viscaria
If the “quite typical” she’s talking about is vaguing out and failing to complete tasks she could be right. If you’re in this group, a little bit of stimulant medication is near magical in making life really straightforward and manageable.
One question though. Were you always dreamy and accused of being “inattentive” and “lazy” when you were a kid? Tutoring a girl with undiagnosed ADD can be a nightmare for everyone – a friend of mine had one of her students referred here, there and everywhere, eventually off to a neurologist to check for petit mal epilepsy(!) before they worked out what was really wrong with her. She never looked back once she was on her medication.
However, if this sort of thing is more recent, or has recently become more noticeable and difficult, it’s worth having a physical check (depending on your medical plan I suppose) for thyroid deficiency. Some of the prime symptoms that people don’t realise are related directly to their thyroid are things like forgetfulness and ‘brain fog’ or brain fade as well as fatigue. They think they are side effects of the depression. Suddenly discovering 6 bottles of their favourite shampoo stashed forgetfully at the back of various shelves the day after they’ve taken just one supplementary thyroxine tablet is a bit of a revelation about just how weird things had got while it was undiagnosed/ untreated.
Hugs to everyone who wants one. Best wishes to all.
This must be the difficult-father thread! I’ve actually been waiting for an open thread to talk about this. My late father was similar to the dads discussed by others in this thread — nice only to those outside the family. But in his case, I don’t think he fooled anybody. He was a very difficult person. Like the other dads discussed here.
About two weeks ago, I decided to Google his elementary school. I knew where it had been, but it was long gone by the time I was born. I didn’t know the name, so I Googled the neighborhood. OMG, people! The effin’ Internet opened up to a (locally published) book about the area where I grew up and to an effin’ group photo of what (I think!) was his efffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffin’ tiny school. That is, I know that it was his tiny school. Only one person was named — and that person probably gave the author of the book the picture — and I know that person went to school with my dad.
I searched that photo and I believe that I found him, all the way in back, looking very small (he would have been six) and already looking like the unpleasant person he was. Also like the sad person he was.
To my recollection, I had seen only two photos before of my dad as a child. I saw them every day on the wall when I was growing up. In one, he was an infant. In the other, he was 9, and looked much more well guarded than when he was 6.
To see this man, who died before the Internet was A Thing, on the efffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffin’ Internet was an effin’ sneak attack on my psyche.
Whew.
Thanks for reading this.
Is it possible to suffer PTSD because of abuse perpetrated by an entire society? I feel like I have this. I’m actually feeling really scared for the future of the west…like to the point where I actually get anxiety attacks about it. I’m a woman of reproductive age and it seems like there is NO good news for women at all anywhere. It’s just attack after attack after attack….legal attacks, personal attacks, work related attacks.
What the actual fuck?! Do these people WANT to live in Saudi Arabia? The fact that they don’t see the connection between anti-abortion/anti-birth control and poverty and general shittiness is mind boggling! They can’t see that the oppression of women has never HELPED any society in history. They don’t see that NO COUNTRY with regressive restrictions on women has a decent economy or decent human rights laws. They don’t see that the liberation of women is synonymous with economic success. They don’t see that the work women do is actually the bulk of the work that is done in the world….instead they just whine about “ball busters” and “baby killers” and “feminazis” and the “gynocracy” and “manginas” because they personally can’t find anyone hot to blow them.
Why is this happening? What’s with all these regressive politics? Seriously?! It’s fueling all this MRA shit….and I really do fear for my life sometimes just by virtue of being a woman and talking or walking around in public. These people are thought terrorists. There is no reasoning with them. They just exist to scare us….and actually, it works. I’m pretty tough, but my skin is getting thinner because it keeps getting scraped off by all these jackasses! So, if I avoid going in public or speaking or living my life the way I’d like to, imagine how many other millions of women are doing the same….and it’s hurting EVERYTHING! And nobody cares. We live in a social climate governed by sadists and narcissists. There’s a climate change I’d be happy about! I would have never really thought that America would become a dystopia for all women….but that’s what’s happening…and the worst part is, a lot of women are HELPING IT HAPPEN!
I’m just anxious and upset and panicky. I don’t see any way any of this can improve….and even if it could, those of us who are fighting it are all suffering extreme battle fatigue. We can’t keep being tiny ants pushing boulders up hills forever….blegh. I know this is kind of incoherent but…this is your brain on misogyny. Any questions?
If I keep talking, I’ll have another anxiety attack, so Imma stop now.
I have had one of the worst week and a halfs ever. I found out my partner, who had insisted on monogamy despite the fact I lean poly, had been cheating for 6 months. Apparently about 6 months into our relationship he got back together with an ex and of course informed neither of us. He gaslit the other person alternately telling her her suspicions were all in her head and then told her that I was crazy and imagining a relationship (here I thought it was because he told me he loved me and we had sex regularly).
Fucking fake feminist men. He talked a big game, said he respected that I was genderfluid, was all about honesty and talking about his feelings. Then the first chance he gets he abuses someone to keep control of them. I dodged a massive bullet because he may have lied to me but he never gaslit me.
@a land whale
I feel really upset by sfuff lately too. It might not be the same, so feel free to ignore my advice, but I find the worst of my panic is coming from me having immersed myself in updates and feeds focused solely on the terrible shit that’s been happening. It may help to distance yourself for a while. 🙂
@viscaria I haven’t been to the doctors yet but I’ve been wondering if I have an attention deficiency disorder lately. A friend described some symptoms and I read an article about it being under-diagnosed in women. I have anxiety and apparently bipolar disorder, but I don’t feel like those really account for my memory loss, fogginess, inability to focus/finish tasks, etc. it could be a thyroid issue like MidlyMagnificent said. I’m a little worried about it all, so I feel for you.
@Noadi I’m so glad to hear you got out of that one
@Lagoon Me too. I had no clue he was doing it because I didn’t know she literally lived down the street from where he moved to around the time he started seeing her again. That made it really easy for him to hide it when I could only see him on weekends. I’m also not a naturally jealous person so I didn’t think to question whether he was actually doing what he said he was. I’m so done with him. Especially because he tainted my memory of saying goodbye to my fur baby, he was with me when the vet came to put her to sleep and held me while I cried telling me he loved me and it would be okay and he’d already been cheating for 4 months. I might forgive the rest eventually but I will never forgive him for that.
I’m pretty okay with my life at the moment. I have to study a lot for uni and don’t get much sleep but that’s fine. I like what I’m studying and there have been major changes in my field recently, so I’m having a pretty good time.
My father too. It got better for me after I moved out and we see each other only every two months or so, but he is still like that with my mother and I know that it hurts her.
I guess he is just not a likeable person and it takes a lot of energy for him to pretend to be. and he doesn’t want (or think he shouldn’t have) to spend this energy when at home.
although I don’t even know if he really notices how awful he is to his family.
@Paradoxical Intention.
I kinda know how you feel. I’d routinely breakdown back when I wasn’t getting treatment for my depression. During my breakdowns, my parents would do the samething. I realize now my parents were totally unequipped to handle a child with mental illness even though my mother suffers from the same mental illness herself. I think they were trying to put stuff in perspective but that’s not how it was coming across to me. It always felt, from my point of view, that they were trying to make me feel guilty or make me feel as if my feelings of pain didn’t matter. I see now they weren’t. They were attempting to help me but doing it in the worse possible way. So, yeah, I kinda see what you mean. Feel free to vent to me whenever you need to. Writing in a Journal helped me. I didn’t even diagnosed & medicated till I was 40 years old!
and now for something completely different.
For the past 25 years or so, I’ve longed to be with a woman, to finally have a mate, to be happy & in love like everyone else. The problem is I’m so logical, rational & direct. For me problems ONLY exist to be solved, not endlessly talked about how it makes one feel. My brain gets so frustrated when someone discusses a problem ad nauseum and not simple Solve it & move on to the next problem. Also, I’m angry & frustrated because the problem of finding a woman is an intuitive one & not one that can be solved by logical, rational thought. Thing is I’m the least intuitive person I know. I don’t want to be alone anymore but I can’t do anything logical to fix it or solve it or end it. I may have to just give up & accept the fact that will never be loved & happy like everyone else because of the way my brain works. Maybe I should just be happy like myself, like the singular intellect I am & not like everyone else. But does that mean I’m a bad person because I am “unworthy” of love, because no woman can or will love me like I want? I desire a woman to love, hold & be intimate with but there’s no logical way to do that. Whenever I’m honest, direct, & logical, women always misunderstand me and stop communicating with me. Anyways, it’s the one thing lacking in my life, the one void in my life I can’t fill, the one flaw I can not fix. Is it so wrong to want to be loved & love in return and yet can’t find any logical rational way to do it?
And why is it no one seems to understand that I feel differently than they do, I think differently than they do. Why can’t anyone understand that my point of view is different from theirs but just as valid. Why is it when ever I honestly express my point of view, all anyone ever tells me is how wrong I am? Why is it I have to understand everyone else’s point of view but no one ever understands mine? Why must I always be alone & unloved? Am I that worthless?
Anyways thanks for listening. The problem still isn’t solved and it seems like it can never be solved, But at least i can try to cope with it better.
Today I am finally going to the doctor to ask what kind of mental illness I have, if any. It’s long, long overdue. And I’m also getting my flu shot. 🙂
I’m gonna read through this thread later when I gey home. I think I saw some sad stuff while skimming.
Difficult fathers are exploding in numbers, eh? I mean this in the least suspect way possible, but I feel a bit better reading some of you here fully understand. 🙂
I think in my father’s case he has a really inflated ego he has to protect. And he controls others with his quick anger. He can raise his voice over the smallest things, sometimes not even yelling at you but next to you. He enjoyed pushing my mum’s buttons and not that I can say her alcoholism was his fault but he certainly did fuel it and visibly enjoyed being her better when she was at her worst.
Brrrr, that was a wormy can. Ugh. I’m going to have to make so many snow angels after thinking about all this.
@dhag85
I wish you much strenght. It’s a bit of a monster to go and seek professional help. It took me a week-long panic attack which caused me to nearly pass out every time I went outside to finally get the idea that someone might know what to do about that sort of thing. Don’t be me. Long overdue is still not not a time to start. 🙂
And much strenght to the rest of you as well. Tiny little bombs of fuckits seem to be exploding all around!
Gah! Can’t go today because I just remembered they won’t do blood work on Fridays, and I need to do blood work as well. I’ll go on Tuesday instead. Sigh.
@Leda Atomica
I’ll save that pep talk and revisit it in a few days. :p
@dhag85
I’m rooting for you. Go get ’em! (On Tuesday, that is.)
@ThatHobbitGuy
I think that it’s possible to try to solve your issue in a logical way. I believe that what you’re saying is that there’s a disconnect between you and women you know. You’re direct and rational, but they see this as ______________ (fill in the blank).
Why not look for solutions? Maybe you need social coaching. A therapist might be able to help you with that. Or maybe a book. Or your brother. Or Dear Prudence. You get the idea.
Or maybe you need to meet someone like yourself. You could join a dating service. Or OKCupid. Or put an ad on Craigslist. Or join some Meetups.
Try brainstorming ideas, either by yourself or with others. For a cerebral person, bold action can be challenging but might make the difference.
@Paradoxical Intention
I recognize your situation, sort of. I’m also one of those people whose job applications are apparently invisible. I’ve applied for hundreds and hundreds of jobs in my life, only ever got called to interview once, and then I never heard from them again. The only way I ever found work is by applying to places who weren’t actually hiring.
I really hope this move works out for you, and I’d also like to say there’s no reason to feel bad about setting up a gofundme page or whatever. If you need help, you need help. Even if there are others who have it worse.
Hugs to everybody who’s going through tough times, especially Paradoxy, Viscaria (ADD brofist!), Leda Atomica, Kat, A Land Whale, Noadi, Lagoon and dhag85. You are all awesome people and I am honoured to know you.
@EJ (The Other One)
Thanks! Your hugs are appreciated.
This made my my ears perk up. It could well be ADD, but depending on what you mean by “memory loss,” there are other things I would also look at.
This is almost certainly my cognitive availability bias talking, because I have narcolepsy and it turns out my girlfriend also has narcolepsy, but seriously, it could be narcolepsy (or some other sleep disorder). Narcolepsy is under-diagnosed in people of all genders.
Many people with narcolepsy are tired/fatigued for most of their waking hours, but I can tell you from experience that you may not feel “sleepy.” Before I was treated, I would say that I was had trouble concentrating and little motivation; I felt apathetic and confused but didn’t connect it with sleep.
Narcolepsy makes most people permanently sleepy, but we don’t always feel subjectively sleepy. Before I was treated, I would say I had trouble concentrating, had little motivation; was confused and apathetic. I was treated for depression and anxiety.
It can also cause a few kinds of memory loss. I can fall asleep during the day and wake up later without realizing any time had passed. If people ask me questions while I’m asleep, I’ll answer, but not remember the conversation. If I talk to my girlfriend immediately before she goes to sleep, she won’t remember it in the morning. She crashed her car more than once but could never remember how it happened. Apparently once she arrived somewhere, she usually couldn’t remember any details of the drive.