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Return of Kings: “Dogs provide most of the positive benefits of women except sex.”

The Red Piller's ideal woman?
The Red Piller’s ideal woman?

A new post at Return of Kings, Roosh V’s site for terrible, terrible men, has me wondering: Do Red Pillers all harbor a secret wish to have sex with their dogs?

In the post, regular RoK contributor Max Roscoe reports on “10 Things My Dog Taught Me About Women.” His conclusion? That aside from that whole sex thing, he prefers his dog. Man’s faithful canine companions, he explains

are incredibly loyal, protective, and offer unconditional love, and will in some ways be more consistent, reliable, and rewarding than a woman. It’s often said that sexbots will be the end of the modern feminist. Dogs provide most of the positive benefits of women except sex, and owning one can benefit a man greatly.

Roscoe apparently dreams of a glorious future in which women can be replaced with a more pliable combo of sexbots and dogs.

Until the sexbots arrive, though, heterosexual men — or at least those heterosexual men who are unwilling to have sex with their dogs — are stuck with women.

But all is not lost, as Roscoe offers a number of useful suggestions on how men can make their girlfriends or wives more like dogs. 

As Roscoe sees it, proper training is key for both women and dogs.

A well trained dog will know when it misbehaves, and will sense the disappointment or anger of its owner when it breaks the rules. Likewise, a woman should be trained to behave properly. Since Western civilization has abdicated its role in training members of both sexes how to behave politely and what proper roles are, men must take up this duty on our own.

Unfortunately, Roscoe notes, even well-trained dogs and women sometimes misbehave, making “slight corrections” necessary. All men need to do to get their women back in line is to become paranoid, controlling creeps.

Tell her to hit the gym when she’s gotten a bit out of shape, but don’t wait until she’s gained 20 pounds. Give her a limit on how much alcohol she can drink. Tell her she must inform you who she is going out with and where.

Women aren’t just like dogs; they’re also like children.

As we know, women are essentially large children, and like a teen who will gradually test the limits of his boundaries, a woman will push the rules to see how much she can get away with. Treat her like a father would his child, and let her know she is not to behave this way in the future. She will not only stop the harmful actions, but come to respect you even more.

So how can men tell if their wives or girlfriends are good dogs?

By their shiny coats. Dogs should have “well groomed hair” rather than “a matted, dirty, coat full of debris.” Same with women!

A “quality” woman, Roscoe proclaims, should

groom herself well, with long, feminine hair, trimmed and painted nails, and conservative clothing.

And she should have “clear, radiant skin,” rather than a “body mutilated with shrapnel and graffiti.”

She should also, Roscoe argues, know her place. Just as a dog is naturally “subservient to its owner,” so “a woman is naturally and normally the submissive partner to the man.”

This is the case, Roscoe explains, even if she has short hair.

No amount of short haircuts, business suits, you-go-girling or education can reverse the natural role than women play in the world.

But don’t bother to try to explain this to women. Hell, don’t bother to explain anything to them, because women, like dogs, don’t really understand human language. It’s all “blah blah blah Ginger” to them.

You can talk in a kind voice to a dog, and he will understand your loving happiness, and reciprocate, but beyond that, dogs are incapable of understanding you, interpreting your thoughts, empathizing, or using logic.

Likewise, it is a waste of time to get into deep discussions with women, expect them to rationalize or understand things, or even to truly empathize or love a man.  … While a dog or woman can respect and honor you, and make you feel good, they cannot truly understand you, or love you the way you love them.

I’m thinking that Roscoe should not only be kept away from women, but from dogs as well.

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Kevin
Kevin
5 years ago

Sounds like he doesn’t understand dogs either. A dog can detect human emotion better than most people and understand up to five hundred words, admittedly mostly orders (more in exceptional cases.) Anyone with such poor understanding is unlikely to provide a home environment conducive to the dog being healthy and well balanced.

Kootiepatra
5 years ago

Women are like orcas–they eat sealions for breakfast.

Ohlmann
Ohlmann
5 years ago

Awful discovery of the day : http://humansarefree.com/2016/01/how-rockefellers-re-engineered-women.html

Ok, this article have everything : absurd misunderstanding of feminism, conspiracy, illuminati, cartoonish evilness from the jews, “natural” instinct of woman, 9/11 denialism.

That’s nausea-inducing to see how far into hatred can descent these guys.

Megan Rivera
5 years ago

Meh. Cats>Boys

PrawnStar
PrawnStar
5 years ago

A dog just savaged a man to death on New Year’s Day – I guess he was a feminist.

Moocow
Moocow
5 years ago

Women are like geese, do not fuck with them or they will hunt you down and make you pay

I know quite a few dommes in the BDSM community. I wonder if knowing of their existence would make an MRA’s head explode? I can always hope so.

I’m guessing these MRAs are among the douchebags who send messages to women, proclaiming themselves to be a 22 year old ‘master dom’ and with a paragraph about ‘how you shall submit to me’.

Typically I’ve seen quite a bit of selective blindness from MRAs about kink. Women submitting to men? Totally true 100% how things should be. Men submitting to women? All examples of evil feminists forcing men into slavery.

Helen
Helen
5 years ago

Can somebody get this man a copy of marley and me?

I don’t know much about him, but I feel like he might just say ‘it’s marley and I’ and refuse to read it.

I don’t want to brag or anything, but if you ask my dog ‘where’s the duck’ she’ll bring you something to throw for her. (her first toy was a duck…)

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
5 years ago

@Megan Rivera

Meh. Cats>Boys

Trufax.

dhag85
dhag85
5 years ago

Cats>Boys

My cat is currently eating the other cat’s vomit. In other words, you are absolutely correct.

DL
DL
5 years ago

Is that guy the same as those people who claim that same-sex marriage is going to lead to people wanting to marry their dogs? Because I’m starting to see a scary pattern here

Kat
Kat
5 years ago

@Helen

I don’t want to brag or anything, but if you ask my dog ‘where’s the duck’ she’ll bring you something to throw for her. (her first toy was a duck…)

We want you to brag about your dog! It’s what we’re all about on this website. We mock people whose character is, shall we say, undeveloped, and we brag about our animal companions.

I’m charmed to hear about your brilliant furry companion.

dhag85
dhag85
5 years ago

One of my wife’s cats can play fetch. Is that normal?

Kat
Kat
5 years ago

@dhag85

My cat is currently eating the other cat’s vomit.

You too, dhag85.

I am also charmed to hear about your brilliant furry companion’s latest adventure.

I can brag too. My boy cat loves my pencils. They rattle when they roll and make great toys! He often jumps up to grab one and then play with it on the floor. This irritates his mother (that’s me), but he doesn’t care.

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
5 years ago

My cat plays fetch. But only with scrunched-up paper balls… He’s weird.

He also flattens the paper balls out when he’s done playing and drags them over his food dish to “Bury” it. Like I said: Weird. =P

Kat
Kat
5 years ago

@dhag85

One of my wife’s cats can play fetch. Is that normal?

Normal, schnormal. This is a cat we are speaking of. A cat is a free spirit. The rules — whatever they may be — do not apply.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
5 years ago

As we know, women are essentially large children

Then why are women allowed to use hot stoves and be primary childcare givers? Why aren’t MRAs completely taking over these dangerous, demanding duties if women can’t be entrusted with basic adult decision-making?

Of course, their reasoning (if you can call it that) is that childcare and housekeeping tasks are too simple for lofty philospher-kings to bother with, but keeping a household and family going from day to day requires a lot more maturity, planning, delay of gratification, and higher executive functioning than rage-ranting on the computer in your underwear. Roscoe sounds like someone who needs to be told five times to take out the trash and stop leaving his socks on the lampshade.

@dhag85 – Can I borrow your awesome vomit-eating cat? Mine yarked a hairball into my purse this morning.

On the plus side, he likes to leave crumpled Post-it notes in my shoes. I’m looking into a gifted program for him.

Kat
Kat
5 years ago

More about the militia in Oregon. The following occurred in the small town near the federal building that the militia subsequently occupied (and continue to occupy):

One episode in particular has upset the community.

The sheriff said three militiamen and one woman, one with a gun strapped to his hip, engaged his 74-year-old mother and 78-year-old father at a yard sale being held at the American Legion. When the men criticized the sheriff, his mother bristled, and said she didn’t need their protection from the government.

Later, the men showed up at the sheriff’s office to complain about the exchange involving his mother.

She had, they said, threatened them.

That is your Cliven Bundy acolyte in a nutshell: heavily armed, terrified of contrary opinions, and utterly mystified that you don’t just love and respect them for wanting to ‘defend’ you.

I have a feeling that the wives of some of these men are pretty thrilled that the guys are gone. Some of them might even take this chance to make a break for it. Run!

http://www.breitbartunmasked.com/2015/12/30/bundy-militia-bravely-stands-up-to-grandmas-of-small-oregon-town/

Kat
Kat
5 years ago

@Buttercup Q. Skullpants

Then why are women allowed to use hot stoves and be primary childcare givers? Why aren’t MRAs completely taking over these dangerous, demanding duties if women can’t be entrusted with basic adult decision-making?

Because evo psych demands that men bed women other than their wives. So the men are very, very busy. Must they explain everything to you!

LostinLindsey
LostinLindsey
5 years ago

My bitches (female canines, not insult) would like the idiot who wrote the original rant on RoK to know that they vomit on his writings and poop in his empty head.

I’m not sure how that works, but the mutts come up with some strange combinations of insults; it’s terrible hard work translating canine to human at times. I think in this case it means they disagree with what-ever-he’s-called.

opposablethumbs
opposablethumbs
5 years ago

People who actually think like this are really shitty at training dogs too.

Yeah, there are still too many trainers around who think the old-fashioned punishment-based style of dog-training is the way to go – but the women and men who achieve the astonishing levels of work with dogs that you sometimes see at agility clubs or on TV all succeed by having exceptional skills of observation and timing, and being adept at reading dogs’ communications (stance, gaze, muscle tension or relaxation etc. as well as the more evident ears and tail stuff).

Um, bit of a derail, really. People who actually believe this crap should be kept well away from dogs if at all possible, and if they keep pets they should probably be watched for animal abuse.

It goes without saying that they should also ideally stay far, far away from all other human beings.

Policy of Madness
Policy of Madness
5 years ago

My cat has a toy mouse. We tied a long string to it so she wouldn’t lose it under furniture and stuff, and you can use the string to swing it around.

When she wants to play, she picks up the mouse and brings it to you, and drops it in your lap.

While recognizing that this is a riff on Step 1 of Teaching Your Kittens To Hunt (the cute squeaking mews she makes give it away), she’s not doing this to teach us to hunt. She’s adapted this behavior as a “I want to play dammit!” message. Simultaneously, she learned that she can get us to play with her by doing this, and trained us to read this as a signal to get the desired response.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
5 years ago

Policy of Madness:
Your cat understands operant conditioning well, it seems. Has she started rewarding you with food and/or spraying you with a water bottle yet?

LindsayIrene
5 years ago

One of my wife’s cats can play fetch. Is that normal?

One of my cats loves to play fetch with her sparkly pompom ball. She’ll also hide it under an afghan and then dig it back out. The other cat walks up to cups of coffee, sniffs them, and pretends to bury’ them.

Policy of Madness
Policy of Madness
5 years ago

@the other EJ

She rewards us with her epic cuteness. Better than any snack, really. She knows how to work the cute.

Policy of Madness
Policy of Madness
5 years ago

Just found this update on the Oregon militia situation:

The occupation appears to have begun at about 2pm. Two hours later, the Guardian approached the refuge, which lies about 60 miles south of the town of Burns and is only accessible via a lakeside road slick with ice and banked with snow.

There were no law enforcement agents visible in the area around the refuge. A man with a goatee beard and wraparound sunglasses stood guard, armed with an AR-15-style rifle, and refused entry to the federally owned facility.

He declined to give his name or affiliation, citing “operational security”. He did confirm, however, that the men – several of whom were openly carrying assault weapons – would be camping on the site. “This public land belongs to ‘we the people’,” he said. “We’ll be here enjoying the snow and the scenery.”

From here:

http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/jan/03/oregon-militia-threatens-showdown-with-us-agents-at-wildlife-refuge

“We the people” to this group only includes themselves. It doesn’t include any other people. They’re going to be enjoying the scenery, but nobody else is allowed to do so.

That pretty much sums up Bundy’s ideas (he, and only he, is entitled to graze on federal lands, because that shit ain’t infinite and everything he takes is something another person can’t) and the ideas of the sovereign citizen movement in general. This was an unintentional but amazingly apt summary, right there. “This land belongs to we the people, which doesn’t include anyone outside our tiny group.”

Yeah.

Cleverforagirl
Cleverforagirl
5 years ago

Two of my kitties are fetchers. One is very casual about it, one or two rounds of fetch and she gets bored, but my little Meatball takes fetch *very* seriously. I sometimes wake up with several of his fetching toys on my pillow.

Lea
Lea
5 years ago

His bitterness is so delicious. He’s so angry. So powerlessly, pointlessly angry that he will never own a woman. Boo boo. I hope it burns.

Lea
Lea
5 years ago

Just remembered. He don’t have a dog either. Bwahahahahaha!

Hippodameia
Hippodameia
5 years ago

I really hope law enforcement doesn’t fold again. It was a mistake then and it’ll be a mistake now.

Moggie
Moggie
5 years ago

Buttercup Q. Skullpants:

On the plus side, he likes to leave crumpled Post-it notes in my shoes. I’m looking into a gifted program for him.

Just wait until he figures out how to use a pen. The post-it notes will be all “BUY TOONA” and “SUM CATNIP PLZ”.

bluecat
bluecat
5 years ago

I think you need a new tag to go with “men who should not be with women, ever”: “men who should not be allowed pets, ever”. (Well, maybe cockroaches, but only if the cockroaches don’t mind).

I had a cat years ago I discovered would fetch. I was living in a two-roomed tower on the flat roof of a larger building: the whole roof was our private run, basically. But there were quite a few geckos living on the roof, and she used to hunt them. You know how their tails come off? One morning, still dark, about 4, I woke up to her laying the still-twitching dismembered reptilian tail on my pillow as a little gift.

I leapt up and threw it out of the window. The cat leapt out of the window and brought it back. And a second time.

I used to see the rest of the gecko around, with the tail regrowing. I named him Stumpy, but I think she got him in the end.

newbie
newbie
5 years ago

Maggie:

A pen? A self-respecting gifted feline these days goes straight for texting. Much easier.

Shalimar
Shalimar
5 years ago

As we know, women are essentially large children

So girls are essentially small women, but boys are also essentially small women. And they are all like puppies. Really bad puppies.

“Everything that isn’t me is exactly the same. Only I am special and different and alphavescent.”

proposed definition of alphavescent — the state of excitement reached from following manly ideas to their illogical conclusions.

Shalimar
Shalimar
5 years ago

He was alphavescent as he described his idea for underwear that periodically cleaned the wearer’s ass for him. His mood was more dour the next day when the police laughed at him for trying to press rape charges against his jockey shorts.

katz
5 years ago

Women are like water bears: They can survive almost anything, including freezing, boiling, extreme pressure, radiation, extreme dryness, and the vacuum of space.

msexceptiontotherule
msexceptiontotherule
5 years ago

<——— Was off peeing where I'm not supposed to. After digging a hole in my friend's yard so I could skip the wait for human bathroom facilities, it's not like it was daylight,

😉

Wetherby
Wetherby
5 years ago

The group in Oregon has started to be referred to on social media as “Vanilla ISIS”.

Which suits me just fine.

Dr. NicolaLuna
Dr. NicolaLuna
5 years ago

Give her a limit on how much alcohol she can drink. Tell her she must inform you who she is going out with and where.

Yeah I’ve been in that exact fucking controlling relationship. He also used to accuse me of cheating all the time, comment on my clothing, freak out if I didn’t instantly text back. And while it did affect the way I dressed and how I felt about myself, it certainly didn’t turn me into a subservient housewife. When he told me I wasn’t allowed to get another piercing or tattoo I would remind him that it’s my body and get one anyway. Towards the end of our relationship he even used to accuse me of sleeping with the clients at the homeless shelter I volunteer at. To which I couldn’t hold back the sarcasm and used to reply that at the shelter we all have duties, some people do the cooking, some set the beds up and I sleep with them all.

I know that wasn’t the most mature response but when it comes to being controlled I tend not to react very well.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
5 years ago

Women are like sea monkeys. Reading comic books gives people unrealistic ideas about them.

@Shalimar

proposed definition of alphavescent — the state of excitement reached from following manly ideas to their illogical conclusions.

“In this moment I am euphoric…”

While a dog or woman can respect and honor you, and make you feel good, they cannot truly understand you, or love you the way you love them.

This is one of my favorite redpill rants. It never fails to amuse. “Women are subhuman scum who need to be abused, disrespected, and beaten back into submission. They’re nothing but worthless holes that should be given the silent treatment. They have no real feelings, opinions, or existence. Only men can feel love.bald eagle lands on shoulder, trumpet plays “Fanfare for the Common Man”

It’s like a really twisted version of those “Love is…” cartoons from the ’70s.

No, women understand guys like Roscoe perfectly. They just don’t want anything to do with them.

Moggie
Moggie
5 years ago

Likewise, it is a waste of time to get into deep discussions with women, expect them to rationalize or understand things

I guess Roscoe didn’t get much of an education. I suppose he might have attended a boys-only school, but once you get to university you’re pretty much guaranteed to witness feeemales understanding the shit out of things. And the discussions? So deep.

Dr. NicolaLuna
Dr. NicolaLuna
5 years ago

Women are like okapi – they mark their territory through their feet by leaving behind a black, tar-like substance for others of their kind to smell.

Malice W Underland
Malice W Underland
5 years ago

@dhag85 You and I lead parallel lives, because my cat was just re-ingesting his own vomit, a choice which I find convenient and revolting in equal parts.

What is it with MRAs really, really hating tattoos? They’re fixated on it to a degree that indicates that it’s not merely an aesthetic preference. Do they not like women doing anything that signifies “this is my body, and I do what I like with it”? Is it just because tattoos these days (at least in North America, among middle class people) are associated with a kind of social liberalism that they don’t like?

Personally, I don’t have tattoos, despite living in a hipster-infested millieu where more people have tattoos than not. But I’m considering getting one because it apparently pisses off men who think I should shut up and make them a sandwich. I’m not joking.

Policy of Madness
Policy of Madness
5 years ago

Women are like Amano shrimp: you read on the Internet that their expected lifespan is ~18 months, so you buy one and put it in your tank, and almost 10 years later it’s still alive, and you start to wonder if the ones kept by those Internet people were just being treated very poorly, and you become sad for all of the ones that died premature deaths.

Moocow
Moocow
5 years ago

Someday I’ll have a furry companion of my own, until then, I love seeing the pictures!!! (and the accompanying narrations XD)

@Dr NicolaLuna

Good fucking riddance. Those are some ridiculous levels of jealousy. Wow, just wow.

LindsayIrene
5 years ago

Women are like thylacines. They’re probably extinct, but some people still go tramping around Tasmania looking for them because they were freaking awesome.

Moggie
Moggie
5 years ago

Women are like sloths: they live on a mostly vegetarian diet, move only when they need to, and their copious body hair hosts symbiotic algae for camouflage.

RosaDeLava
RosaDeLava
5 years ago

@Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Once I’ve read the text on the sidebar of TRP that talked about that, and I got the distinct impression that when these guys say that women can’t love, they mean to say that, since a woman won’t abandon her loved ones, priorities, dreams and sense of self for them, they don’t love as much as these guys think they should.

RosaDeLava
RosaDeLava
5 years ago

My cat can’t play fetch, but she can jump higher than my aunt’s cats, which are bigger than her.
I wonder, can you train a cat to do tricks like dogs? I’m convinced it’s a waste of time.

Paradoxical Intention
5 years ago

Buttercup Q. Skullpants | January 3, 2016 at 3:52 pm
Women are like sea monkeys. Reading comic books gives people unrealistic ideas about them.

http://memesvault.com/wp-content/uploads/Laughing-Animated-Gif-12.gif

In somewhat good news, I am quite the beneficiary of some generosity. I was thinking about starting my own Ball Jointed Doll collection, and thanks to someone who needed to downsize, I now have two beauties of my own (and a whole small wardrobe for each of them). The taller male doll is named Apollo, and the smaller female doll is named Annie. (Those are their model names, and honestly, I really think they fit.)

I went through all the clothes that were sent along with them, and I sorted out what I wanted to keep, what I want to get rid of (most likely by selling them so I can fund more purchases), and what I need to fix.

Annie has like 7 pairs of shoes. : I One of which I think I own a hooman-sized pair of! Though, I’ve managed to pare that down to about four.

Apollo also has this awesome Hello Kitty hoodie.