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Return of Kings: “Dogs provide most of the positive benefits of women except sex.”

The Red Piller's ideal woman?
The Red Piller’s ideal woman?

A new post at Return of Kings, Roosh V’s site for terrible, terrible men, has me wondering: Do Red Pillers all harbor a secret wish to have sex with their dogs?

In the post, regular RoK contributor Max Roscoe reports on “10 Things My Dog Taught Me About Women.” His conclusion? That aside from that whole sex thing, he prefers his dog. Man’s faithful canine companions, he explains

are incredibly loyal, protective, and offer unconditional love, and will in some ways be more consistent, reliable, and rewarding than a woman. It’s often said that sexbots will be the end of the modern feminist. Dogs provide most of the positive benefits of women except sex, and owning one can benefit a man greatly.

Roscoe apparently dreams of a glorious future in which women can be replaced with a more pliable combo of sexbots and dogs.

Until the sexbots arrive, though, heterosexual men — or at least those heterosexual men who are unwilling to have sex with their dogs — are stuck with women.

But all is not lost, as Roscoe offers a number of useful suggestions on how men can make their girlfriends or wives more like dogs. 

As Roscoe sees it, proper training is key for both women and dogs.

A well trained dog will know when it misbehaves, and will sense the disappointment or anger of its owner when it breaks the rules. Likewise, a woman should be trained to behave properly. Since Western civilization has abdicated its role in training members of both sexes how to behave politely and what proper roles are, men must take up this duty on our own.

Unfortunately, Roscoe notes, even well-trained dogs and women sometimes misbehave, making “slight corrections” necessary. All men need to do to get their women back in line is to become paranoid, controlling creeps.

Tell her to hit the gym when she’s gotten a bit out of shape, but don’t wait until she’s gained 20 pounds. Give her a limit on how much alcohol she can drink. Tell her she must inform you who she is going out with and where.

Women aren’t just like dogs; they’re also like children.

As we know, women are essentially large children, and like a teen who will gradually test the limits of his boundaries, a woman will push the rules to see how much she can get away with. Treat her like a father would his child, and let her know she is not to behave this way in the future. She will not only stop the harmful actions, but come to respect you even more.

So how can men tell if their wives or girlfriends are good dogs?

By their shiny coats. Dogs should have “well groomed hair” rather than “a matted, dirty, coat full of debris.” Same with women!

A “quality” woman, Roscoe proclaims, should

groom herself well, with long, feminine hair, trimmed and painted nails, and conservative clothing.

And she should have “clear, radiant skin,” rather than a “body mutilated with shrapnel and graffiti.”

She should also, Roscoe argues, know her place. Just as a dog is naturally “subservient to its owner,” so “a woman is naturally and normally the submissive partner to the man.”

This is the case, Roscoe explains, even if she has short hair.

No amount of short haircuts, business suits, you-go-girling or education can reverse the natural role than women play in the world.

But don’t bother to try to explain this to women. Hell, don’t bother to explain anything to them, because women, like dogs, don’t really understand human language. It’s all “blah blah blah Ginger” to them.

You can talk in a kind voice to a dog, and he will understand your loving happiness, and reciprocate, but beyond that, dogs are incapable of understanding you, interpreting your thoughts, empathizing, or using logic.

Likewise, it is a waste of time to get into deep discussions with women, expect them to rationalize or understand things, or even to truly empathize or love a man.  … While a dog or woman can respect and honor you, and make you feel good, they cannot truly understand you, or love you the way you love them.

I’m thinking that Roscoe should not only be kept away from women, but from dogs as well.

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Policy of Madness
Policy of Madness
4 years ago

I wonder, can you train a cat to do tricks like dogs? I’m convinced it’s a waste of time.

Absolutely. It requires you to learn the particulars of operant conditioning, buy a clicker, find out what your cat likes to eat, and then make sure your cat is hungry.

That last part is the part that fails me. I can’t have a hungry cat, that I know is hungry, and not feed it, but that’s what you need to do. I think its easier with dogs, because dogs always want a little bite of chicken regardless of what kind of meal they’ve had, whereas cats need to be legit hungry to care about the food in your hand.

Moggie
Moggie
4 years ago

Umm, Paradoxy? Are you sure Apollo and Annie don’t plan to murder you in your sleep? Because I’m sure I heard creepy waterphone music when I looked at the pictures.

Tessa
Tessa
4 years ago

Malice W Underland

What is it with MRAs really, really hating tattoos? They’re fixated on it to a degree that indicates that it’s not merely an aesthetic preference. Do they not like women doing anything that signifies “this is my body, and I do what I like with it”?

Well, they don’t find tattoos attractive on a woman (I assume it’s one of those creepy “innocence” obsessions they have). A woman doing something that they don’t find attractive is unacceptable. What use is a woman if she’s not attractive??? That is the their only worth to men and they ruin it! It’s the ultimate misandry.

Because we do things that aren’t for the purpose of being attractive to them, we’re wasting our freedom, and therefore don’t deserve it.

Paradoxical Intention
4 years ago

Moggie | January 3, 2016 at 5:04 pm
Umm, Paradoxy? Are you sure Apollo and Annie don’t plan to murder you in your sleep? Because I’m sure I heard creepy waterphone music when I looked at the pictures.

BJDs have that effect on some people. XD

I do have to admit though, that’s part of the reason I love them so much is because they’re creepy for a lot of people. I like creepy things, and while I don’t find them that creepy myself, they’re still really fun to dress up, and it’s almost invoking my childhood and all the dolls I played with as a kid. Now it’s just more expensive. (A brand-new Apollo would be 180 USD.)

Malice W Underland | January 3, 2016 at 4:23 pm
What is it with MRAs really, really hating tattoos? They’re fixated on it to a degree that indicates that it’s not merely an aesthetic preference. Do they not like women doing anything that signifies “this is my body, and I do what I like with it”? Is it just because tattoos these days (at least in North America, among middle class people) are associated with a kind of social liberalism that they don’t like?

I think it’s a bit of both, and a huge dash of personal preference mixed with the entitlement that comes with the attitude of “My experiences and preferences are universal because I am a cishet white dude and everyone caters to those experiences and preferences, as they should.”

So when they meet a woman who isn’t scrambling to cater to them, they see it as some sort of sleight against The Way Things Are, and/or a personal attack on them that the woman in question isn’t doing things The Way They Want, so they lash out at her for not complying with some sort of standard that they have set upon the world that no one else but them was aware of.

There’s a hell of a lot of privilege involved, is the long and short of it.

Personally, I don’t have tattoos, despite living in a hipster-infested millieu where more people have tattoos than not. But I’m considering getting one because it apparently pisses off men who think I should shut up and make them a sandwich. I’m not joking.

You and me both.

Though, I am also fully aware that they’ll still bother me anyway, and then use the tattoos and such as a convenient scapegoat for when I inevitably reject them.

Kind of like how men on OKCupid are like “Lol, no fatties!” and then will go on to attempt to “flirt” with fat women, and then once rejected (no matter how kindly), they’ll go “Well, I didn’t want you anyways, fucking fatty! I just hit on you because I thought you were easy!”

I wonder how much of the “women not conforming to standards I have set for them” is just posturing and covering up for their real preferences, which may or may not include women with tattoos, fat, and/or rainbow dyed hair.

Patricia Kayden
Patricia Kayden
4 years ago

“I’m thinking that Roscoe should not only be kept away from women, but from dogs as well.”

Yep. He should just stay by his “superior” self. Only he is good enough for him, after all.

It must hurt him that so many women are going about their business living happy productive lives notwithstanding sexists like him.

amy
amy
4 years ago

If you guys feel like it go read the comments on police one. It’s amazing how many are defending them while trashing black lives matter protesters.

https://www.facebook.com/policeone/posts/10153874160849740

katz
4 years ago

The group in Oregon has started to be referred to on social media as “Vanilla ISIS”.

Which suits me just fine.

I thought we’d settled on “Y’all Qaeda.”

Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Jackie; currently using they/their, he/his pronouns)
Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Jackie; currently using they/their, he/his pronouns)
4 years ago

Vanilla ISIS, Y’all Qaeda–puns either way so I’m good.

MissyL
MissyL
4 years ago

@katz

I’ve also seen “Yeehawdi.” All of them have made me giggle.

dhag85
dhag85
4 years ago

Can we call their leader Osama Bing Crosby?

Kat
Kat
4 years ago

@Policy of Madness

Cats need to be legit hungry to care about the food in your hand.

Maybe your well-behaved cats do. But my boy kitty demands food all the time and is getting rotund. Have you ever put a cat on a diet? Ha, ha, ha. They don’t like it. My boyfriend swears that this cat is the biggest (tallest, broadest, most awesomely muscular, and now stout) cat he’s ever seen.

katz
4 years ago

Training cats can be a problem because, while most dogs are food-motivated or play-motivated, my cats seemed to be sleep-motivated.

ms_xeno
ms_xeno
4 years ago

I didn’t train my cat. He trained me.

Seriously. His cat tower is only about 3′ from the drawer where the cat treats are. The top level of his tower affords him a good view of the drawer when it’s open. At some point, he made the connection between the sound of the drawer opening and something tasty. So when I open the drawer he comes running and vaults up to the top level to wait for his reward.

Sometimes I will say, “Into the tower!” as I open the treat bag, though. To pretend I’m working in the Cat Circus or something.

LindsayIrene
4 years ago

I think my tortoiseshell cat gave up on training me. She just grabs my clothes with the claws of one front paw and attempts to drag me to what she wants.

Sarity
Sarity
4 years ago

Women are like Komodo dragons. Solitary carnivores that hunt by attacking buffalo with venomous bites, then grouping to feast on the fallen carcass. Also powerful swimmers and can lay between 15 to 30 eggs.

Cavoyo
Cavoyo
4 years ago

Ohlmann: That’s Henry Makow. He’s a real piece of work. As that article shows, he believes in any conspiracy theory that supports his conservative beliefs, and HATES feminism. But did you know that his website also has pages and pages of advice on selecting a foreign bride? Shocking, isn’t it? I never would have guessed.

It also has this page which I found especially entertaining: http://henrymakow.com/my_chinese_wife_set_a_trap.html

TheLurker
TheLurker
4 years ago

Well, I love my dog more than gross dudebros who read and write for Return of Kings but I’m sure they would object to me saying that. Which suits me fine.

msexceptiontotherule
msexceptiontotherule
4 years ago

The trick I taught my dog was basically me exploiting a behavior she was already inclined to do – rolling over onto her back, all I needed was to associate the command phrase with the belly rubs I give her when she rolls onto her back. If only I could come up with a way to do something similar with barking or not attempting to run and bite the face off people walking their dogs as they pass us. At least the neighbors have been trained to not try and pet her without following the proper protocol. 🙂

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

If you say “Are you sleepy?” every time your dog yawns then supposedly you can can condition your dog to yawn on cue if you say it.

Didn’t work on my dog, but did have some affect on a friend I used to give a lift to work.

Luzbelitx
4 years ago

Malice W Underland | January 3, 2016 at 4:23 pm
What is it with MRAs really, really hating tattoos?

I think it’s a mix of:

1. Believing only manly men can decide whether a woman gets permanently marked”

2. Women getting tattooed on their own means they can get tattoos Da Man don’t like at ANY time. Like, with NO warning! Total Anarchy!!

3. Probably most of them don’t have any tattoos, and probably most of them because they can’t stand the pain and/or fear of needles.

I think it’s mostly 3 which makes everything else go “nuclear”: tattoos are for Tough Manly Men (TM) like sailors and bikers.

Nice Guys (TM) and especially Internet Misogynists (TM) are cowards who won’t lift a finger for themselves, and brag about stories they make up.

So, the see a Tattooed Lady (TM) and the see living proof that the woman in question can take more pain than they do, and has the autonomy to decide when and why she gets ink and needles.

mrex
mrex
4 years ago

@Rosa

“I wonder, can you train a cat to do tricks like dogs? I’m convinced it’s a waste of time.”

There was a street performer in Key West in the 90s that had trained a bunch of housecats to do a bunch of tricks (including jumping through burning rings!!!!). He gave them treats sometimes, but it mostly seemed like the cats liked what they were doing. He taught them how to open their carriers and they were forever unhooking the door and jumping up on their stools out of turn and he would jokingly give them hell. He did the same when they would get distracted and start licking their fur because, well… cats. 🙂

I taught my childhood cat a few tricks, primarily how to sit up in her hind legs for dinner or to come when called , but sometimes you could get her to roll over. My dad’s cat has diabetes, and he’s trained her to jump on a stool and lay down facing a certain way so he can come from behind and give her insulin shots. This is the most foul tempered, stubborn, laziest cat ever, so I’m absolutely amazed that he did it without treats (which she can’t have) but with simple love and praise. I think she must realize that the shot is to help her feel better as well for her to be this cool about it.

I used to think cats were stubborn and hard to train, but then I started to get into parrots. Talk about moody brats. ;p The best way to keep them readily trainable is to isolate them from other parrots so that they’re desperate for attention, but I won’t do that to my birds. It actually really reminds me of what abusers do to their victims, which just makes abusers even creepier. :/

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

@ mrex

but then I started to get into parrots

Train them to say: “Help, a wizard turned me into a parrot”

mrex
mrex
4 years ago

@Alan

“If you say “Are you sleepy?” every time your dog yawns then supposedly you can can condition your dog to yawn on cue if you say it.”

Dogs and humans are the two animals proven to have social yawning, something to do with empathy.

And thanks for making me yawn. &%+$@

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

@ mrex

thanks for making me yawn. &%+$@

That’s the standard response to my posts generally.

mrex
mrex
4 years ago

@Alan

“Train them to say: “Help, a wizard turned me into a parrot”

That is literally the best idea I have ever heard. You, dear sir, not only win the internet, but you win at life. WIN!!!!!

bluecat
bluecat
4 years ago

I can sometimes induce my cats to yawn by meeting their eyes and yawning.

It makes them angry though, and they usually stalk off after the first couple of yawns. It may be swearing in cat.

dhag85
dhag85
4 years ago

Can we also teach the parrot how to give instructions on finding/using the counter-spell? I love the idea of a parrot sending someone on an adventure.

RosaDeLava
RosaDeLava
4 years ago

I’m honestly surprised to see so many people doing the comparison thing xD

@Policy of Madness
Thanks! My cat seems to like treats, as opposed to only eating when she’s hungry, so I guess I’m lucky. I will think of a way to convince her to stop trying to attack my aunt’s cats.

@Paradoxical Intention
Your dolls are cute! I don’t much approve of Apollo’s choice of lipstick though – he could find a better a shade.

dhag85
dhag85
4 years ago

@bluecat

This works for my cats too.

RosaDeLava
RosaDeLava
4 years ago

@mrex
That’s just awesome.
I don’t have experience with cats, so I assumed they would be very resistant to training.
Something I really like about my cat is that, whenever I can’t find her, all I have to do is start mewing, and she’ll come out of her hiding place mewing back – it’s so cute!

Crow Girl
Crow Girl
4 years ago

Unlurking to say congrats to Paradoxical Intention for the new additions! I do hope you’ve been warned about the addictive nature of resin. I was, and I still ended up with seven of them. Funny, I was just thinking this weekend that I needed to play with mine more, and now I see the pictures of your lovelies…

Ichneumon108
Ichneumon108
4 years ago

As I read this man’s writing, I’m fondly reminded of my beagle/ labrador mix, who I suspect was mentally challenged. He smelled like pond scum and literally ALL he did was eat, sleep, drool, and try to hump strangers.

Funnily enough, his name was ALSO Roscoe. Given the choice between the two of them, though I’d have to say it’s a no brainer; Would I rather have a dumb disgusting animal or would I rather have a dog? Of course I’d rather have a dog. At least you can train a dog.

R.I.P Roscoe

Matt
Matt
4 years ago

[will never] love you the way you love them

Nonsense, MRAs. I’m sure there’s somebody out there that’s willing to treat you like a hybrid of a pet and a piece of furniture and call it “love”. You just gotta keep looking!

VioletBeauregarde
VioletBeauregarde
4 years ago

Train them to say: “Help, a wizard turned me into a parrot”

Thanks for the tip…I’ll add that to the lost of things I’m planning to teach my sun conure to say.

Also…I wouldn’t trust Roscoe or any of his ilk with dogs, or humans!

Scildfreja Unnyðnes
Scildfreja Unnyðnes
2 years ago

comment image

(hee, don’t mind me :3)

cornychips
cornychips
2 years ago

Like wtf?
I abhor organized religion, but I dont randomly trash them off topic on an old thread.

PeeVee the Tired
PeeVee the Tired
2 years ago

Idli, literally, what the fuck?

idli sambar revolution
idli sambar revolution
2 years ago

OK David, was just scrolling through your site and found this and thought of something relevant. And I wanted to warn people, just in case.

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