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Worried about your penis size? Blame feminism, MGTOW explains

Not everyone has a giant wiener
Not everyone has a giant wiener

The Great Penis Size Freakout Debate continues. On the Men Going Their Own Way subreddit, one of the regulars has dug up a Youtube video from a random woman who doesn’t like small dicks.

Never mind that men worry a lot more about the size of their dicks than women do — hell, one survey found that women tend to be far more concerned with proper pubic-hair grooming  than the length of their partner’s dingle dangles. Reddit’s MGTOW army saw this video as an example of rare female honesty on this perilous topic.

“[T]his is just proof if you’re not above average you are nothing,” one Reddit MGTOW moaned.

[I]f she complains and you aren’t small, next the bitch, she’s either got something wrong with her pussy or she got her head filled with some of her girl group bullshit, and it’s not worth the trouble.

Naturally, it didn’t take long for someone to blame feminism for the size queens of the world. ShitfacedBatman reassured his fellow MGTOWs that only sluts and feminists complain about small penises.

Date short and cute feminine women and you’ll never need to worry about your penis size. Date a woman prone to getting FAT, a woman close to your height, a woman with a big-ass ass, or a sex-industry woman who’s been cored out a few times and it’s “possible” size is a factor in those cases.

You know, women being “cored out” by large penises isn’t actually a thing. The sturdy vagina can recover from childbirth, and there aren’t really a lot of men out there whose penises are literally larger than a baby.

But, as ShitfacedBatman sees it, size queens are only lashing out because they are losers in the “tight vagina” contest that apparently all women are competing in.

Here’s the dealio tho: women that say size matters are saying they have sexual liabilities. To be submissive, pretty, and feminine is actually a competitive sport racing towards female smallness. Women by nature should be competing to be small, tight, and “innocent” – which means size should never matter and if it does it’s her problem. (Western feminism producing masculine women is incredibly likely to be at the root of the problem.)

Apparently the most “masculine women” are the ones with huge vaginas.

I think the whole “huge vagina” argument made a lot more sense when Larry David explained it on Curb Your Enthusiasm.

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Walter
Walter
8 years ago

Contrapangloss

There is something better than all those things you mentioned. It’s called having a big dick.

Life is meaningless without a big dick. Without them the world is a dark and scary place.They give us meaning and purpose. They are the source of moral authority in this world.

Let me leave you with this thought: Science says that universe is expanding. You know what else expands? A dick.

Think about it.

Walter
Walter
8 years ago

Katz

That’s how a man is supposed to feel.

Tessa
8 years ago

Yes, Walter, imagine the things you could do with a big wiener! You could use it as a paper weight! You could swing in in circles and create breezes! You could dress it up in little outfits! If your plane crashes over water, you could use it as a flotation device! You could use it to lure eels out of their hidey-holes! My goodness, the future would be wide open! There’s nothing you you couldn’t do!

Walter reminds me of an old Perry Bible Fellowship comic. A man sees a dead bird and gets really sad, and suddenly the devil appears to make a deal with him, but instead of bringing the bird back to life, he gets a giant penis. Not just large, but so huge it on the ground going off into the horizon…

weirwoodtreehugger
8 years ago

You’re going to the wrong urinals.

If obsessively comparing dick size with other men was so universal, there would be no such thing as the wrong urinals. The comparing and contrasting of dongs would occur at every urinal. If this is only happening at specific urinals (apparently just the ones you’re in) than most men aren’t doing it.

weirwoodtreehugger
8 years ago

I’m still wondering if Walter is MRAL/Steele BTW.

Walter
Walter
8 years ago

weirwoodtreehugger

It would occur at every urinal if not for the anti-big dick conspiracy.

katz
8 years ago

That’s how a man is supposed to feel.

I pity you.

Frank Torpedo
8 years ago

@LindsayIrene

Yes, Walter, imagine the things you could do with a big wiener! You could use it as a paper weight! You could swing in in circles and create breezes! You could dress it up in little outfits! If your plane crashes over water, you could use it as a flotation device! You could use it to lure eels out of their hidey-holes! My goodness, the future would be wide open! There’s nothing you you couldn’t do!

You, me, and Walter are going to get along just great!

It sounds like you’ve thought this through very carefully. Have you ever thought about obtaining your own Giant Weiner? Not someone else’s, or A giant weiner on its own, but A Giant Weiner Attached To Your Pubic Region!

Anarchonist
Anarchonist
8 years ago

Life is meaningless without a big dick. Without them the world is a dark and scary place.They give us meaning and purpose. They are the source of moral authority in this world.

I pity you as well.

Anyway, projecting moral authority to things incapable of moral judgement is another way of shifting blame. “It wasn’t me, it was my penis, and the size of my penis makes you unfit to judge me!” I recall you saying that MRAs are ridiculous, yet you fall into the same trap of assigning moral value to subjects outside the boundaries of what constitutes moral behavior. I would gladly keep discussing the moral implications of dingalings with you, but I’m bored of it now and I have other things to do.

It would occur at every urinal if not for the anti-big dick conspiracy.

Okay, Walt, I see your game. You saw that people were getting bored of your ridiculous shtick and were starting to ignore you. You only expressed your opinion re: BLM because you saw that as a way to lure people into engaging with you, after which you steered the conversation back to penises. Boring.

Well, not exactly. Mammotheers have been making hilarious jokes at your expense since you arrived. That’s got to be worth something.

@Frank Torpedo

Kneel before Zod

And now I’m imagining bearded Superman shouting “I AM A MAN!” while thrusting his dong in an android’s gut.

Frank Torpedo
8 years ago

@Anarchonist

And now I’m imagining bearded Superman shouting “I AM A MAN!” while thrusting his dong in an android’s gut.

I feel like this is a totally accurate, 1:1 recreation of what goes on inside Walter’s head every day.

You have entered…THE WALTER ZONE.

You will now find yourself compelled to hang out with other men who are letting their penises hang out.

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
8 years ago

And now I’m imagining bearded Superman shouting “I AM A MAN!” while thrusting his dong in an android’s gut.

I’m going to have to Photoshop this, aren’t I.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

SFHC — please!

Imperator Kahlo
Imperator Kahlo
8 years ago

Does your dick hang low?
Does it wobble to and fro?
Can you tie it in a knot?
Can you tie it in a bow?
Can you throw it over your shoulder like a continental soldier?
Does your dick hang low?
Does your dick hang low?
Does your dick hang high?
Does it reach up to the sky?
Does it droop when it’s wet?
Does it stiffen when it’s dry?
Can you semaphore your neighbor with a mimimum of labor?
Does your dick hang low?
Does your dick hang low?
Does your dick hang wide?
Does it flap from side to side?
Does it wave in the breeze
From the slightest little sneeze?
Can you soar above the nation with a feeling of elation?
Does your dick hang low?

I’ll see myself out.

katz
8 years ago

*Applause for Imperator Kahlo*

Contrapangloss
Contrapangloss
8 years ago

The world is a dark and scary place without a big dick?

Walter, if your thing glows in the dark, you might want to get checked out by a doc.

Imperator Kahlo
Imperator Kahlo
8 years ago

::bows::

::trips over herself on the way out::

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
8 years ago

The anti-big-dick conspiracy is the only thing stopping people from commenting on my penis in public bathrooms? I feel I need to join this group. Where can I find them? Do they have a newsletter?

Moocow, I hope you won’t take it personally if I become a life member.

Moocow
Moocow
8 years ago

@EJ

Newsletter? Psh, we have a bible:

http://i.imgur.com/cdkmC.jpg

Anarchonist
Anarchonist
8 years ago

Heh. For those who don’t know, ‘bearded Superman shouting “I AM A MAN!”’ is a reference to a 1995 Superman comic book, Superman: At Earth’s End. It depicts a dystopian future where an aged, Santa Claus-bearded Superman fights androids and mindless mutant monsters and ultimately defeats the Big Bad (SPOILER: naturally, it’s the twin clones of Hitler, duh.) by shooting them dead with a laughably oversized, impractical gun. I think the comic was supposed to have an anti-gun message, but I keep confusing it with a “guns and violence solve everything” message.

The line comes from the following panel:

http://static.comicvine.com/uploads/scale_super/7/72524/3335705-0648838509-16730.jpg

The comic panel is so ridiculous because it clearly illustrates the toxic masculine ideals at work: Superman, supposedly the embodiment of the best and purest humanity has to offer, uses a murderously violent outburst (a superpowered punch in the stomach) against his opponent as the perfect opportunity to loudly announce his masculinity*. The only missing aspects were equating violence with male virility and sexuality and the still sadly prevalent belief that penis=man, hence Superman using his dick as a weapon.

I agree that this is the perfect symbol of Walter’s cockocracy at work: Cis men fighting over superiority with the help of their respective penises. I highly endorse any and all creative interpretations of this image.

*Yes, technically Superman was referring to himself not as male, but as a human, to create distance between himself and his android opponent, but the ambiguity of patriarchal lingo makes the panel a perfect example of a violent masculine ideal.

EDIT: Wasn’t supposed to embed. Hmm.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
8 years ago

We have image embedding again? O frabjous day!

(Bleh. I’ve just realised that Tim Burton ruined that phrase for me.)

@Moocow:

I mean, is there a newsletter for this “anti-big-dick movement” that Walter talks about? The one which prevents men from watching one another in the urinals and congratulating each other on their genitals? That’s the one I feel I need to join. This bible of yours just sounds like it aggravates the problem.

It’s like cottaging, but without the fun of cottaging.

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
8 years ago

http://i.imgur.com/YzivA4N.jpg

This looks even more fucked up than it did in my head. ಠ_ಠ

Walter
Walter
8 years ago

Anarchonist

You’re drastically overthinking that old Superman comic. I’ve read it. It was not coherent or thoughtful enough to have any kind of message about masculinity or anything. It was just crap.

To anyone asking about the anti-big dick conspiracy

It has been going on for thousands of years. Ever since the first caveman put on a loincloth to cover his junk, people with small dicks have been trying to downplay the value of a big dick. They’ve mostly succeeded but things are starting to change now. I predict that within our lifetimes there will be a national database of dick size, which will record the size of all adult American males.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
8 years ago

@Walter:

I’m not small-dicked though, I’m pretty average for my height. Does that prevent me belonging to this group?

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
8 years ago

It was just crap.

Looks like we agree on one thing after all. Only and exactly one thing.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
8 years ago

Re: the cockspiracy

There’s a Kurt Vonnegut story that makes reference to an alien plot to invade Earth. They do this by demoralising humans to the point that they don’t resist being taken over. The methodology is that they print bits of untrue trivia on cereal boxes that undermine people’s self confidence.

One of the bits of trivia is an exaggerated “Average penis size”statistic.

Having said that, I’m not sure Walter’s hypothesis holds up in a society that generally wears pants.