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Worried about your penis size? Blame feminism, MGTOW explains

Not everyone has a giant wiener
Not everyone has a giant wiener

The Great Penis Size Freakout Debate continues. On the Men Going Their Own Way subreddit, one of the regulars has dug up a Youtube video from a random woman who doesn’t like small dicks.

Never mind that men worry a lot more about the size of their dicks than women do — hell, one survey found that women tend to be far more concerned with proper pubic-hair grooming  than the length of their partner’s dingle dangles. Reddit’s MGTOW army saw this video as an example of rare female honesty on this perilous topic.

“[T]his is just proof if you’re not above average you are nothing,” one Reddit MGTOW moaned.

[I]f she complains and you aren’t small, next the bitch, she’s either got something wrong with her pussy or she got her head filled with some of her girl group bullshit, and it’s not worth the trouble.

Naturally, it didn’t take long for someone to blame feminism for the size queens of the world. ShitfacedBatman reassured his fellow MGTOWs that only sluts and feminists complain about small penises.

Date short and cute feminine women and you’ll never need to worry about your penis size. Date a woman prone to getting FAT, a woman close to your height, a woman with a big-ass ass, or a sex-industry woman who’s been cored out a few times and it’s “possible” size is a factor in those cases.

You know, women being “cored out” by large penises isn’t actually a thing. The sturdy vagina can recover from childbirth, and there aren’t really a lot of men out there whose penises are literally larger than a baby.

But, as ShitfacedBatman sees it, size queens are only lashing out because they are losers in the “tight vagina” contest that apparently all women are competing in.

Here’s the dealio tho: women that say size matters are saying they have sexual liabilities. To be submissive, pretty, and feminine is actually a competitive sport racing towards female smallness. Women by nature should be competing to be small, tight, and “innocent” – which means size should never matter and if it does it’s her problem. (Western feminism producing masculine women is incredibly likely to be at the root of the problem.)

Apparently the most “masculine women” are the ones with huge vaginas.

I think the whole “huge vagina” argument made a lot more sense when Larry David explained it on Curb Your Enthusiasm.

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Walter
Walter
8 years ago

Frank Torpedo

I’m straight. Sorry.

Frank Torpedo
8 years ago

If I had a big dick… Christ, I’ve dreamed of that so many times. All the things I’d do and fun I’d have. I sure as fuck wouldn’t complain about them and some fictional “downsides”. I would just be happy finally being able to say that my life has value and that I’m worthwhile human being.

Yer a man after my own heart, Walt.

I, too, have imagined such a thing.

I’ve seriously considered becoming a scientist just so that I can science up a way to give people giant penises.

Yes, even women.

You get a giant penis! She gets a giant penis! EVERYONE GETS A GIANT PENIS!

You could use it to hold your beer!

jy3
jy3
8 years ago
Reply to  Walter

I don’t know your sex, but next time you’re with a male friend look at how they react to a penis bigger than their own. Watch them cower and submit, then try and tell me that the cockoracy doesn’t exist.

Choose whichever reply is funnier:

1) “Wow, how popular is nudism where you live?”
2) “As a fellow penis-haver, no, I’m pretty sure that’s just you.”
3) “Nice to know I’m not the only one who cringes when watching porn.”

Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

Walt, you wanna rub dicks together?

You slay me!

And no Walter, it’s not your initial complaint that has us all annoyed, it’s the way you’ve responded in every comment since then. Go back to talking about dicks, at least then when you’re wrong (which is always) you’re funny to watch.

Also? Outside your mind, and sexytimes related circumstances, it’s really not okay to go staring at the junk attached to the person at the next urinal. Really, don’t do that. That is not a thing people do. I cannot even begin to explain how weird that is, I thought this was a thing people learned in grade school or some shit like that. I feel like I’m trying to tell my mother how babies are born this is so ignorant of you, and about a topic that I cannot fathom an adult being ignorant of.

In fact, you are why stalls exist. Well, that and shitting, but avoiding the creeper staring at your business too.

Contrapangloss
Contrapangloss
8 years ago

Walter.

Learn to paint. Take some fencing classes. Listen to some mozart.

Actually pay attention in science classes*.

Be a volunteer at a food-bank. Or fire department. Or figure out how to knit little hats for kids with cancer. Read books for kindergartners during ‘lets read’ events at your local bookstore.

IF YOU NEED TO FEEL LIKE A WORTHWHILE HUMAN BEING, THEN GO OUT AND FREAKING DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE.

ANYTHING.

Constantly giving us WAY too much information about how you imagine your nether regions should look is not worthwhile.

It’s obnoxious.

Stop it.

GO DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE.

Edits: Sorry for all the caps, but good grief! Also, forgot the *

*Because you’ve obviously not been paying attention in any biology classes you’ve taken, ever. Or any history classes. Or government. Seriously, pay attention in class. It pays off.

Frank Torpedo
8 years ago

@AA

Glad I could help. 😀

@WeirwoodTreeHugger

Ah, yes, I remember when Lincoln said that at the Emancipation Penisclamation, wherein he caused the CSA much upset by declaring that all men have a penis fetish, to the delight and amazement of the 10,000 strong crowd of loyal penis-loving Americans..

I recall Jefferson Davis and Robert Lee being quite distressed by this piece of news.

Frank Torpedo
8 years ago

@Contrapangloss

Learn to paint. Take some fencing classes. Listen to some mozart.

Walt ends up painting pictures of rampant, engorged penises, fences with his penis, and listens to Mozart’s Penis Concerto.

Actually pay attention in science classes*.

He attends all the classes about the human penis.

Be a volunteer at a food-bank. Or fire department.

He donates his penis.

Or figure out how to knit little hats for kids with cancer.

He knits penis-shaped hats.

Read books for kindergartners during ‘lets read’ events at your local bookstore.

Walt then reads “James and the Giant Wee-Wee” to a group of kids.

Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

Frank Torpedo — just Argenti please 🙂

Also, ship-a-dick. I’ll leave that there for you to figure out!

Walter
Walter
8 years ago

Contrapangloss

You’re being ridiculous. Those things you wrote about can’t even begin to match the value of a big dick. Fencin? Painting? Reading to Children? All worthless compared to a fat cock.

The truth is the only way for a man’s life to matter is if he has a big dick.

Walter
Walter
8 years ago

Argenti Aertheri

Men look at each other at the urinals all the time. If you don’t do it then somethings wrong with you. Looking at other men’s junk at the urinal is an essential part of being male.

Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

Nope Walter, already played “ask a friend”. He was more polite than me, once he stopped laughing at your premise — it’s a violation of decorum.

Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Jackie; currently using they/their, he/his pronouns)
Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Jackie; currently using they/their, he/his pronouns)
8 years ago

If Freaky Friday like comedies have taught me anything, people don’t like having their penises looked at by strangers in the bathroom.

Walter
Walter
8 years ago

Your friend is wrong. Public urinals are a great place to bond with hung guys over their dicks.

Walter
Walter
8 years ago

Pandapool

That’s just the small dick conspiracy at play.

Frank Torpedo
8 years ago

@Argenti

Also, ship-a-dick. I’ll leave that there for you to figure out!

*ponders*

Your friend is wrong. Public urinals are a great place to bond with hung guys over their dicks.

I present as a cishet male in real life and that has never happened to me, ever.

Frank Torpedo
8 years ago

You’re being ridiculous. Those things you wrote about can’t even begin to match the value of a big dick. Fencin? Painting? Reading to Children? All worthless compared to a fat cock.

The truth is the only way for a man’s life to matter is if he has a big dick.

Steady on there, champ, I’m already excited. Now you’re just ruthlessly cockteasing me.

Today, I Learned (from Walt) that Neil Armstrong shot himself and his comrades into space using his giant weiner. The Saturn V? It was actually just Armstrong’s cock.

Stalin beat the Nazis with his big dick.

Winston Churchill fought the battle of Britain using his Pork Sword.

Julius Caesar crossed the Rubicon on his gigantic pillar of prickmeat.

Walter
Walter
8 years ago

You’re going to the wrong urinals.

Frank Torpedo
8 years ago

@Walt

I did not even know there were criteria for right and wrong urinals.

I’m…I’m not entirely sure I want to go to the right urinals. I might take a peek at one, but I’m not sure I’d want to go inside.

Frank Torpedo
8 years ago

More Walter-style cockocentric history:

“Kai su, teknon?” Caesar weakly murmured, as Brutus and the conspirators beat him to death on the steps of the Forum, with their sledgehammer-sized man-salamis.

Stand back, Sheryl, I’m on a roll!

Anarchonist
Anarchonist
8 years ago

@Walter

All men have a penis fetish.

I don’t know if you forgot, or if you simply chose not to believe me after all, but I’m a cis guy who told you that I have never been interested in how my penis measures up to other cis men. Ever. I really do not care. To me, my penis is simply an organ with two functions: peeing and giving sexual pleasure. That is the extent to which my penis rules my life. In all other situations, my dick is in the way at best, but mostly it doesn’t affect my life one bit. If it was possible, I would happily leave it at home when I, say, need to go to the store. I don’t use it for most of the day, and my mind is on other things even when my penis does perform one of its basic functions. (No, even when I’m masturbating or having sex, I’m not thinking about my penis. Why would I? Oddly enough, it’s not the thought of my penis that makes me aroused.)

If you think that I am lying and do, in fact, obsess about penises as much as you do, why do you think that is? What would be the point of such a lie? Could it be that since all it takes is one cis man to go against your theory to make it burst like a bubble, you decide to dismiss all data that proves your cockocracy theory is a bunch of baloney?

“Watch them cower and submit.” Oh, grow up.

You know, Walter, I honestly can’t figure you out. If your trolling was just over-the-top ridiculousness like your penis obsession, I would keep shrugging you off as “slightly amusing, but increasingly dull.” Balancing out the dullness with ignorance regarding social issues is not actually helping, it just makes me more certain that you’re just universally wrong about everything.

—————-

OT, but I really dislike public urinals. There is always at least one jackass whom I have never talked to, probably never even seen, who enters the toilet just when I’m getting started and decides to strike up a conversation while we’re emptying our respective bladders right next to each other. Paraphrasing one of Penny Arcade’s better jokes, we should pee in respectful silence, like monks. If you want to talk to me afterwards when we’re washing our hands, that’s fine, but good Lord, stop talking to me while I’m just answering nature’s call. It’s not like I would voluntarily choose to go into a situation where I’m standing next to a stranger with my junk hanging out if I really had a choice in the matter. Granted, most of the incidents have been at bars and pubs, where people tend to be intoxicated, but that is really no excuse to be inconsiderate. Respect the right to pee in peace.

Now, if some of these aforementioned blokes indeed are anything like Walter and like to sneak a peek at my dick while I’m doing my business, I think I just found the ultimate reason to stick to stalls and keep away from urinals altogether.

Frank Torpedo
8 years ago

If you think that I am lying and do, in fact, obsess about penises as much as you do, why do you think that is? What would be the point of such a lie?

I’ll take a random guess and assume he’ll say that it is because you are Afraid Of The Penis.

Kneel before Zod the Penis! Cower, mortals, before the effulgent majesty of the erect Penis! The Penis Compels You to Obey! All is Penis!

Contrapangloss
Contrapangloss
8 years ago

Walter, you are a sad and pathetic troll, and I hope someday you find something to do that makes you feel like an actual human being.

There is seriously no feeling out there like making another person happy, or seeing someone succeed at something that you encouraged them to try.

There is also no feeling quite like trying something and realizing that you could actually get good at whatever it is.

That you seriously seem to think that opportunities to experience those feelings are worthless without a certain lump of flesh being big enough?

I’m sad for you.

Also annoyed, because I really am getting sick of hearing about your boner. But… there’s a tiny bit of sad, right here, thinking about how you’re making your life worthless not by being under-equipped down there but by your own unwillingness to look for something that you can do to make your life worthwhile.

Walter
Walter
8 years ago

Anarchonist

I pity you. A man can’t be happy until he knows how he measures up.

LindsayIrene
LindsayIrene
8 years ago

Yes, Walter, imagine the things you could do with a big wiener! You could use it as a paper weight! You could swing in in circles and create breezes! You could dress it up in little outfits! If your plane crashes over water, you could use it as a flotation device! You could use it to lure eels out of their hidey-holes! My goodness, the future would be wide open! There’s nothing you you couldn’t do!

katz
8 years ago

Protip: Saying “I pity you” only works if you’ve set yourself up as somehow being better off than the other person.

For example, saying “I feel permanently worthless because I place all my value in an immutable physical characteristic I don’t have, and I pity you for not doing the same” does not work.