Yesterday, I introduced you to the mysterious vaginal goo that enables those with vaginas to transform nearby men (and possibly even some women) into helpless zombie vagina slaves. According to some totally legit scientific studies summarized on the blog WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION, the hormone-ish lady chemicals called “copulins” act a bit like the magical midi-chlorians from Star Wars, turning ordinary women into Jedi masters of the vagina.
Also, they smell like butter.
If you haven’t read my original post on the subject, go read it now. Trust me, ladies, you won’t regret it.
Since writing yesterday’s post, I have done some additional research on the subject. So let me answer some lingering questions you gals might have.
I have had sex with my boyfriend many times, but I have not yet seized complete control of his mind, and he frequently exhibits annoying amounts of free will. What am I doing wrong?
Are you moving around at all during sex? While most sex-havers exhibit a strong preference for movement during intercourse, the most effective way to transmit your copulins into his brain is if both of you remain motionless. As WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION notes,
Through the process of coupling a female and male will lay relatively still without having sex with the penis inside of the vagina. The process may take up to 15 minutes and works faster and more efficiently when the female is on top of the male.
You may wish to distract your fella with some sports talk radio so that he doesn’t notice that you’ve stopped having sex with him and instead are lying atop him stock still with a slightly maniacal look on your face.
During this period the vagina injects up to 1/2 cup (100 ml) of the copulin fluid into the urethral opening at the tip of the penis, which is chemically attracted to semen, and will follow the semen down the shaft directly into the testicles.
Yep. Not half a teaspoon, half a cup. Apparently, penises are a bit like the Tardis, a lot bigger on the inside than they appear on the outside.
After 15 minutes of coupling the copulins will have entered the blood stream and traveled from his testicles up into the hypothalamus (a section of the brain that controls hormones) causing the male to become completely influenced by the needs and suggestions of the female.
And there you go, ladies!
In your last post, you said that copulins can also be transmitted in the form of a butter-scented gas, in order to ensnare nearby males. Yet none of the men I stood next to today started spontaneously doing my bidding. What’s up with that?
Be patient! Proper copulin transmission can take up to 15 minutes! As this totally legit real science website explains:
When a woman breathes, the movement causes minute amounts of copulins to become airborne. If she is stationary for an extended period of time, the copulins will eventually exist in the air around her; however, it appears to take some time for copulins to escape clothing fabric and actually become airborne.
But if you wait long enough, all the males in your vicinity will ultimately surrender to your Jedi vagina juice. WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION elaborates on this point:
Fifteen minutes is all it takes for copulins to take over a majority of the hypothalamus gland. … If you are within 3 feet of an ovulating woman or group of them YOUR polypeptides are being replaced at a rate of 5% a minute with THEIR copulins.
What if I don’t want any dudes sticking their icky man penises inside me? Can I turn a dude into a vagina zombie just by having him perform oral sex on me?
Yes! Just be sure to slather your basement area with baby powder before he starts heading downstairs. According to our totally legit science expert,
the use of talc (baby powder) on the vagina may facilitate copulins to becoming airborne. The copulins attach to the powder particles and are inhaled by the male, or enter the bloodstream via the eyes (which would explain why it works faster).
Gosh, David, I would love to transform every man around me into my helpless vagina slave, but how can I be sure this will work?
You don’t have to take my word for it! Listen instead to the totally real females who wrote in to this totally legit science page about copulins with their testimonials
Female: My husband is very happy now, and very helpful. … our marriage has become even better.
Female: He does all the housework, everything, and he is so happy about it! Its a miracle! …
Female: I use “power” words like the lady commenting here. I find it works wonders at keeping my boyfriend happy even long after we are “together”. Because with a word I can make him feel pleasure or pain, he sees me like a magic power, and has a…lot of respect for me always.
Wow. Can my vagina goo really give me that much power over men?
Yes, and more! According to this totally legit copulin expert, women can even command men who’ve been under their vaginal control for some time to stop thinking about things they don’t want them to — even GOLF!
If the female stated that he won’t think about golf anymore, and will instead think of her, the male will find himself incapable of thinking of golf while the copulins are present.
In the final stage of “copulin dominance,” the man will stop thinking these terrible golf thoughts altogether, even if his vaginal commander isn’t there to remind him not to think about golf.
Past communication has already established that the female doesn’t want him to play golf, and so the copulins allow only those thoughts that promote non-golf activities to reach the conscious level.
Ultimately, the vagina slave will turn into something resembling a zombie, sans rotting flesh and the overpowering urge to eat brains,
Females report that males at this stage, as copulins are transmitting, steadily become “dumber”, repeating themselves or the female’s words, slurring, or mixing words up. Late in the coupling, females state that the male will typically become incoherent and finally go silent.
Vagina zombification, complete!
Once a hypothalamus is flooded with copulins, the male brain is just sitting on idle, with only the bare minimum of thought process. In this state, the male is probably not thinking of anything at all, but any input from the female will become the male’s singular focus.
And she doesn’t even have to be there!
The female can plant ideas during coupling (later stages of the session) and the male will act upon them at a later date, completely convinced they are his own ideas … .
Boy, I’m really glad I decided to write this post!
@teabug: Hate to be That Guy, but that sort of talk isn’t tolerated here. Please refer to the comment policy.
@entropy jukebox — that tag in it is so spot-on… “oh dear i need to free up some time to delete comments later today”
“Both I & my wife have prearranged funerals”
So egotistical that Barnes cannot even do grammar good! AlfalfaMan has to come first!
He seems to be enjoying himself far too much for me to believe that he actually perceives a real threat.
Well, they are convinced that is what feminists do, so… They’ll be very confused and surprised when it backfires spectacularly, and blame it on teh ebil wimminz, would be my best guess.
Honestly, these guys are all such drama llamas…what do they even need women for? They should just Go Their Own Damn Way Already and stir all their shit on the same desert island, against each other.
Hey, Jack, Paulie, Esmay, and anyone else from Screamerland reading this: Nobody here thinks you’re actually important or interesting enough to dox, let alone threaten with harm or death, much less carry any such threats out. We’re not that kind of people. The only ones who are idiots enough to care, or try that, are your own.
(Trigger warning, talking about my nightmares gets dark really quickly)
Reading about all the odd and funny dreams on here just reminds me that all i can seem to remember having is nightmares. One where all the cats from my childhood on are kittens and every minute i hear a bell chime and one of them dies, crushed to death in some big cog of a machine or the like… everything in ky dreams dies screaming and im powerless to help it. My teeth and hair fall out im chased and torn to shreds and a million dark little creatures never leave me alone. Some nights i dream im back in my childhood bunk bed when i hear a creak on the stair and i know whats coming and i feel guilty again that im not going to fight, i will just lay there and wait for it to stop and that makes it my fault and reliving it must mean i didnt hate it as much as i think i do… okay that got dark and im sorry. I can’t tell people about my nightmares and even if no one i know can hear it i wanted SOMEONE to know. Sorry again. I’ll put a warning at the top before i post this.
WWTH commented about the Canadian guy that went on the hunger strike, and I agree.
Don’t remember his name, don’t care enough to look, but, the guy chose to go on a hunger strike because white dudes have it so bad, but that wasn’t his decision? How did we force him to do that? Is it more vagina goo mind control?
How does anyone force another person to commit suicide by starvation? Starving a person to death is murder, starving yourself is stupid, as well as the slowest way to commit suicide, ever.
David made a comment in the article that the guy really needed medical supervision to avoid hurting himself, and commenters said the guy was an idiot, and generally mocked him, but no one wished him harm. I’m beginning to think these guys really can’t comprehend what they read. And why should they? They state a false version of what they say happened, and the MRAS listening immediately start agreeing and saying how they are such victims. Perhaps they like that worldview, and they absolutely will not be derailed by little pesky things, like facts.
I think that their stupidity is catching. It seems like anyone that sides with them immediately drops some intellect, begins to ignore facts, and complains about vague threats/actions that no one else can see, and they can’t prove.
Talk about hive mindset.
Is anyone else uncomfortable about this article? I’m all for making fun of MRAs, etc, but this guy sounds seriously paranoid and delusional. I’m uncomfortable making fun of people with paranoid delusions.
@Eilis
“Why does the woman in the picture only have a stump where one of her feet should be?”
TKCE (The Katie Criminal Enterprise) demands members perform a secret ritual involving the sacrifice of a body part to atone for wrongdoing or rule violating against “The Katie” code. Much like how Yakuza used to have members do with their fingers for “unforgivable sins”.
FFS, did I comment on the latest string of ableism in this thread only hours ago?
Hambeast you made all of McD’s look at me when I literally LOL’ed at that bit about legos!
TakeThatHatOff — there’s no need to apologize! It’s not your fault your dreams are trauma filled nightmares anymore than it is mine, and reliving it doesn’t mean we didn’t hate it, it means it hurt us enough to affect even ours dreams. Sending comforting thoughts, and hugs if they’real welcome, your way, stay strong 🙂
I once had a dream where I brutally murdered a woman who looks like a cross between me and Sarah Jessica Parker. I have nothing against SJP, the significance is probably that my IRL first name is Sara.
It was disturbing.
I’m just happy to know that other people have mostly disturbing dreams. Mine are pretty much all about zombies, murders, vampires, crashes (generally attacked by zombies after) ghosts.
My worst reoccurring dream I first had when I was like five. Only dream that ever had me scream myself awake. In it, I was eating cereal. CocoPuffs, but with marshmallows… and the bowl came alive, chased me down the road and ate me. To this day, it remains the scariest dream I’ve ever had, which is saying something.
So, Jedi hugs, if people want them for their bad dreams.
I’d respond to the actual post, but it’s already been well done! Love this place.
The following is a duplicate of what I posted in another thread:
I’m concerned about David.
I don’t know how problematic Jack Barnes’s fictitious allegation (suposedly a Mammotheer doxxed Barnes’s child) is for David.
But I’m noting that he’s posted nothing new for a few days.
I’m impressed with commenters’ imaginative dreams.
I once dreamed that “the world could show nothing to me” (that’s from the Beach Boys song “God Only Knows”).
And because the world was giving me nothing — yeah, a reflection of my frustration IRL — I turned myself into a cat. The weirdest part was that as I was waking up, I couldn’t figure out if the dream was just a dream or was real. I sensed the edges of my body and thought, “I must be a GIANT cat!”
So now I’m Kat.
@lanky yanky
“So you’ve never had a guy creep on you? Some are shaming tactics – the phrase “man up” is terrible and I don’t agree with it.”
Yes, I’ve had guys creep on me. But I figure if they’re really that scary then calling them a creep is a bad idea. I would have to be pretty certain that a guy is not violent for me to insult him instead of doing something that would actually protect my hide, but then again I don’t insult men, so…
“Creep” isn’t even an argument; its an ad hominem. I think that “creep” one of those words that are fine to use as a general descriptors, I think MRA style creep shaming *is not* real, but I think name calling and attacking someone’s character in an attwmpt to control someone’s behavior is wrong.
TakeThatHatOff,
Of course you wanted someone else to know; I think anyone would. That’s a hell of a thing to carry by yourself. If it’s at all possible for you, I hope you’ll consider making sure that one of the people who knows is caring professional.
Creep =/= ad hominem
You’re a creep = insult
You’re a creep and also wrong in X way = logically valid argument (not necessarily correct though) paired with an insult
You’re a creep and therefore wrong about [thing not related to creeping] = ad hominem
/ pedantry
@TakeThatHatOff
I’m going to echo what others have said.
There’s no need to apologize for sharing your scary dreams with us.
Would you consider seeing a therapist? I think that it might help.
And please think about calling the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). It’s free, confidential, and there for you 24/7.
on dreams, normally I have little of no recollection, except when I’m on anti depressants which I’ve just started.
I had a particularly vivid dream yesterday. There’s more to it than in going to describe but in a nutshell, I watched a particularly vivacious young woman get knocked off her push bike, I went to help her and I the course of that she offered me the kind of sex I don’t get with Mrs Autosoma. I said no several times then thought what the hell and went off with her. Long story short, my dream guilt was so bad couldn’t go through with it. There was lits if other weird stuff involving art student, psudo Buddhist tie died hipsters, cult members, mass murder, the FBI and a road repair gang. I’ve been watching too many us crime dramas, its infecting my dreams.
@Argenti “You’re a creep and also wrong in X way = logically valid argument (not necessarily correct though) paired with an insult”
Insulting someone as part of a conclusion may not be an ad hominem, but making an insult part of the premise usually is. The insult doesn’t have to be unrelated, and in fact a clever ad hominem won’t be.
“Creep”, as a noun, generally only exists to attack a person’s character. It’s probably not modifying the argument here in a meaningful way other than to cast doubt on the person’s character, which yes, is an ad hominem.
Outside of Internet debates on logic, “You’re a creep” is generally used to shame and manipulate, which was the website’s point. 🙂 “Creep shaming” is different; it’s basically MRA’S denying women the right to feel suspicious about men and their motives.
I saw a horror writer’s definition of “creepy” that actually applies perfectly to situations with strange men: a violation of a norm or boundary where the intent and threat level signified by that violation is unknown…like a teddy bear with human teeth or a guy you don’t know giving you a sudden, unsolicited shoulder rub. That definition can legitimately encompass some situations of misunderstanding. People seem to use “creep,” to denote someone with a lot of known ill-intent.
Case in point: a good cismale friend of mine has some deafness and feels uncomfortable with people knowing (because bullshit ableist society), so in noisy situations, he ends up leaning into people’s personal space so he can listen extra hard…usually with an intent and sort of glare-y expression, because he’s focusing on trying to mentally fill in the blanks of what he can’t hear. Needless to say, he’s made some women who don’t know him uncomfortable at loud parties, and he’s been called “creepy.” I don’t think it’s fair of them to label him as an entire person based on that sole encounter, but hey, being a woman and having a man you don’t know invade your personal space a whole bunch with an unreadable, intent look on his face fits the criteria of a creepy experience.
See, it’s a common anti-feminist move to turn adjectives into nouns.
So, when we say “what you said/did is sexist” (describing behavior) they hear “YOU ARE A SEXIST PERSON”
Likewise, when we say “X behavior is creepy/ X is acting creepy” we don’t mean “You are a creep and have no fixing please leave the world”.
I don’t think they were labelling him as an entire person, but they were describing his behavior dunring that (entire?) encounter.
“Leaning into other’s personal space without knowing them and without explanation” is indeed creepy behavior because it’s uncomfortable and invasive for the person, who is also not at fault for not knowing what no one told them.
I’m not saying anyone should be forced to come out about disabilities/sexuality/gender/poverty or absolutely anything and expose themselves to irrestricted bigoted violence.
BUT it IS on the person with disability to not “lean in” personal spaces without consent. It doesn’t mean they should never fail,
NO ONE, for no reason, has a right to invade a person’s space / decisions / choices without warning. If a person does so unwittingly, it’s on them to apologize and avoid it next time, especially when the invaded person does not know what exactly is going on.
It fits the sexist womanly stereotype to “kindly wait to see if there’s a good reason justifying mistreatment” especially when we know by vast experience that mistreatment tends to escalate rather than decrease.
mrex — my iPad isn’t letting me copy what you said, so idk if this is gonna make sense, but you could say the exact same thing about using “bigot” as a noun, wouldn’t make it any less true.
LG — idk if it would help much, but if he explicitly said “I can’t hear you” before leaning in they might understand his motives and find his behavior less off putting. It sucks for him, but it’s on the woman he’s talking to to decide if they’real being creeped out, sure, his intention is just to hear better, but she doesn’t know that, and even if she does, her boundaries are her boundaries. I feel like I’m misreading you and we actually agree though!
I don’t really see how creep is an ad hominem. Wanting your boundaries respected isn’t an argument. It’s not up for debate and doesn’t need to be logical. Logical fallacies don’t apply. If you were saying “he’s a creep, therefore he’s wrong when he argues deep dish isn’t real pizza” that would be one thing, but calling someone who violates boundaries a creep is a perfectly valid thing.