Yesterday, I introduced you to the mysterious vaginal goo that enables those with vaginas to transform nearby men (and possibly even some women) into helpless zombie vagina slaves. According to some totally legit scientific studies summarized on the blog WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION, the hormone-ish lady chemicals called “copulins” act a bit like the magical midi-chlorians from Star Wars, turning ordinary women into Jedi masters of the vagina.
Also, they smell like butter.
If you haven’t read my original post on the subject, go read it now. Trust me, ladies, you won’t regret it.
Since writing yesterday’s post, I have done some additional research on the subject. So let me answer some lingering questions you gals might have.
I have had sex with my boyfriend many times, but I have not yet seized complete control of his mind, and he frequently exhibits annoying amounts of free will. What am I doing wrong?
Are you moving around at all during sex? While most sex-havers exhibit a strong preference for movement during intercourse, the most effective way to transmit your copulins into his brain is if both of you remain motionless. As WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION notes,
Through the process of coupling a female and male will lay relatively still without having sex with the penis inside of the vagina. The process may take up to 15 minutes and works faster and more efficiently when the female is on top of the male.
You may wish to distract your fella with some sports talk radio so that he doesn’t notice that you’ve stopped having sex with him and instead are lying atop him stock still with a slightly maniacal look on your face.
During this period the vagina injects up to 1/2 cup (100 ml) of the copulin fluid into the urethral opening at the tip of the penis, which is chemically attracted to semen, and will follow the semen down the shaft directly into the testicles.
Yep. Not half a teaspoon, half a cup. Apparently, penises are a bit like the Tardis, a lot bigger on the inside than they appear on the outside.
After 15 minutes of coupling the copulins will have entered the blood stream and traveled from his testicles up into the hypothalamus (a section of the brain that controls hormones) causing the male to become completely influenced by the needs and suggestions of the female.
And there you go, ladies!
In your last post, you said that copulins can also be transmitted in the form of a butter-scented gas, in order to ensnare nearby males. Yet none of the men I stood next to today started spontaneously doing my bidding. What’s up with that?
Be patient! Proper copulin transmission can take up to 15 minutes! As this totally legit real science website explains:
When a woman breathes, the movement causes minute amounts of copulins to become airborne. If she is stationary for an extended period of time, the copulins will eventually exist in the air around her; however, it appears to take some time for copulins to escape clothing fabric and actually become airborne.
But if you wait long enough, all the males in your vicinity will ultimately surrender to your Jedi vagina juice. WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION elaborates on this point:
Fifteen minutes is all it takes for copulins to take over a majority of the hypothalamus gland. … If you are within 3 feet of an ovulating woman or group of them YOUR polypeptides are being replaced at a rate of 5% a minute with THEIR copulins.
What if I don’t want any dudes sticking their icky man penises inside me? Can I turn a dude into a vagina zombie just by having him perform oral sex on me?
Yes! Just be sure to slather your basement area with baby powder before he starts heading downstairs. According to our totally legit science expert,
the use of talc (baby powder) on the vagina may facilitate copulins to becoming airborne. The copulins attach to the powder particles and are inhaled by the male, or enter the bloodstream via the eyes (which would explain why it works faster).
Gosh, David, I would love to transform every man around me into my helpless vagina slave, but how can I be sure this will work?
You don’t have to take my word for it! Listen instead to the totally real females who wrote in to this totally legit science page about copulins with their testimonials
Female: My husband is very happy now, and very helpful. … our marriage has become even better.
Female: He does all the housework, everything, and he is so happy about it! Its a miracle! …
Female: I use “power” words like the lady commenting here. I find it works wonders at keeping my boyfriend happy even long after we are “together”. Because with a word I can make him feel pleasure or pain, he sees me like a magic power, and has a…lot of respect for me always.
Wow. Can my vagina goo really give me that much power over men?
Yes, and more! According to this totally legit copulin expert, women can even command men who’ve been under their vaginal control for some time to stop thinking about things they don’t want them to — even GOLF!
If the female stated that he won’t think about golf anymore, and will instead think of her, the male will find himself incapable of thinking of golf while the copulins are present.
In the final stage of “copulin dominance,” the man will stop thinking these terrible golf thoughts altogether, even if his vaginal commander isn’t there to remind him not to think about golf.
Past communication has already established that the female doesn’t want him to play golf, and so the copulins allow only those thoughts that promote non-golf activities to reach the conscious level.
Ultimately, the vagina slave will turn into something resembling a zombie, sans rotting flesh and the overpowering urge to eat brains,
Females report that males at this stage, as copulins are transmitting, steadily become “dumber”, repeating themselves or the female’s words, slurring, or mixing words up. Late in the coupling, females state that the male will typically become incoherent and finally go silent.
Vagina zombification, complete!
Once a hypothalamus is flooded with copulins, the male brain is just sitting on idle, with only the bare minimum of thought process. In this state, the male is probably not thinking of anything at all, but any input from the female will become the male’s singular focus.
And she doesn’t even have to be there!
The female can plant ideas during coupling (later stages of the session) and the male will act upon them at a later date, completely convinced they are his own ideas … .
Boy, I’m really glad I decided to write this post!
Some one actually believes this shit? Jesus.
Just read the Jack Barnes stuff and my skin is crawling. Who casually talks about arranging the funeral of their 6 year old daughter? If he believes there is a legitimate threat to his family’s safety (which is obviously horrendous), why is his response to talk about bringing bodily harm to David?? I get the impression that there is some violent revenge fantasy behind all this – everybody loves the good ol’ American hero whose family was unjustly murdered. Somebody get this guy a copy of Max Payne and let him play these things out where nobody is hurt, including his family. I’m sorry he was doxxed, but the way he’s handling it is terrifying. And imagine what AVFM would have been posting if Anita Sarkeesian/Zoe Quinn/etc had responded to their doxxing by physically threatening the #Gamergate reporters.
Stay safe, David. I hope Barnes’ bluster doesn’t get under your skin, and that it remains only bluster.
I always dream that I have pet hamsters and mice, and they multiplying, changing their appearance, and escaping their cages. I wake up super stressed and exhausted.
I also have a very similar dream regularly, but the mice turn into hamsters and other rodents. I also have one where my cat has kittens, the kittens keep multiplying and changing into Pokemon characters – very strange.
Wow, I had no idea the “too many hamsters” dream was such a common thing!
More research on this, NOW. Just the other night I dreamt I found a cage with mice in one of my closets and I had been neglecting them for months. Ughhhh.
Only worry when the dreams feature tribbles.
You guys probably have worries about a small problem getting bigger and overwhelming or already have a probably that’s big and overwhelming.
Barnes claims that other, non-terrible feminists comforted him over the doxxing on twitter and he compared that to a lone Union and Confederate soldier spending a quite moment during the war together. If he thinks people arguing about feminism online is the equivalent to a horrific war that had over 600,000 military casualties, I’m guessing he’s taking their fanciful “cultural war” against feminists a wee bit too seriously.
I think dreaming about regular expressions might qualify.
Oh, I think he’s now at 11, and has been since he started claiming to be under threat. If I were his wife, I’d take the kid and run.
Holy crap, another wacky MRA theory coming to life! Rationalization hamsters are everywhere!
(And, that said: I’ve never dreamt of them. Rats, yes, big sticky sewer rats, but no hamsters.)
@Pandapool
Are you trying to say I should stop having chocolate for dinner? :p
Oh gods, no regexs! That’s not boring that’s nightmare inducing!
As for Barnes, either I misread something, just flat missed something, or he said he had his and his wife’s funeral planned. If he hadn’t been talking about being dox’ed that’d just be planning, its not that odd for adults to have a certain level of that planned — family plots and the like. If he did this in response to dox’ing and/or induced a healthy young child, then yeah, all the icky.
Funerals are fucking expensive guys, even with my grandfather’s mostly paid for while he was still alive, he’d have been buried in a very spartan coffin if not for veteran benefit stuff, I don’t think having that paid for is that odd. Doing it for anyone other than yourself is, definitely. Doing it in this context is mindboggling — has he actually been threatened? Not just “this is your address” dox’ing but “and I will do [thing] to you”? I know he was dox’ed but absent a threat funeral planning would be, yeah, a scary response.
Ugh!
Somebody who’s Twitter and/or David — can I get a summery of wtf is going on? Cuz I’m getting it in four tweet chunks in the side bar here and somebody turned a clear threat against David into a threat by David? What asshole threatened our Dark Lord?!
Bina — oh hell yeah. Either if the threat against HIM is credible, or he’s overreacting and talking about their funerals — either way “we’ll be at my mother’s/hotel/whatever” is a good idea.
I used to have a lot of pet rodents when I was a kid. A few times someone forgot to close the cage properly and a hamster would escape, then we had to search the house and lure it out with cheese. I always thought that’s why I keep obsessing over hamsters as an adult.
@Argenti
1. Someone doxed Jack Barnes (allegedly; I haven’t been able to find where this happened, or what it was that happened, I’ve only seen him say it happened)
2. Barnes and Paulie decided to randomly blame David Futrelle for the doxing, and claimed David is literally trying to kill Barnes.
3. David said he has never doxed anyone, never incited violence against anyone, and he condemned the alleged doxing of Jack Barnes.
4. Barnes accused David of refusing to condemn doxing, even though he did.
5. David blocked Barnes and told him to never contact him again.
6. Barnes created a sockpuppet Twitter account and sent David a link to a Twitlonger threatening physical violence against David for the imaginary attempted murder.
7. David said stop.
8. Barnes said he’s got funerals planned if David were to go through with these imaginary murder plans.
9. Random MRAs on Twitter now harassing David with accusations of attempted murder.
As far as I can tell this is what’s happened.
Pandapool’s explanation makes sense, but in my case I got my hamster from someone who was taking care of a litter of 13, which themselves might have been pregnant. So that might be the simpler explanation.
dhag — thank you, and yes, that order makes the funeral planning a million times creepier. 1-3 was all in the last? post, 4 I saw here somewhere, 5 is a logical reaction, 6 is WTF BATMAN?!? 7 is literally the least threatening response imaginable, short of not replying at all. 8 we’re into what is happening, no, really, dude, you got dox’ed, it’s scary, I get it, but replying with how you have everyone’s funerals planned?! 9…so surprising, losers.
When I wrote my comment up above about funeral planning being a reasonable thing for adults to do just in case, I was not aware of the order of events, and thus didn’t want to say what I was thinking. Bina’s very right in her(?) implications, if he’s going balls to the walls on this, he may decide to go murder-suicide to make a point, and yeah, Mrs. Barnes should take Little Barnes to stay somewhere else until this blows over.
Seriously MRAs, no one here wants harm to come to anyone! Mild inconvenience sure, but not any real harm. If you actually feel someone has made an attempt on someone’s life, you call the fucking cops, not harass them on twitter, but no, you don’t feel like anyone was in actual danger, so you pretend you do to harass someone. It’s really, really, mature, I prescribe one bong hit each until you calm the fuck down. I’d suggest the legal option of booze, but I suspect you’re angry drunks not fun drunks.
However, I do have a tendency to ignore problems until they become unmanagable.
Does anyone know if there’s a storify of all this somewhere?
@katz
It wouldn’t really explain why it’s a recurring dream, I don’t think, unless your hamster giving birth gave you significant stress. If in your dream or when you wake up, you feel anxious, it’s your mind telling you something is wrong, it’s nagging at you to deal with it. If you don’t want the dream to occur, exam the emotions you feel within the dream or waking up and think upon what similarly makes you feel that way in your life.
@dhag85
I’d imagine if you, uh, stopped that or addressed it to yourself somehow, that would probably make the dream stop.
I used to have several reoccurring zombie dreams while in high school. Once I figured out the dreams were about me feeling unprepared in life and accepting that, they stopped. Brains are weird like that.
By the way, it’s quite clear that Barnes, Driver Suz, Paulie and the others know that David hasn’t doxed or threatened anybody. It’s just the old tired professional victim game again. They can’t even pretend to be worried or concerned in the slightest – they’re simply treating this as a celebration. Pretending to have been threatened is like Christmas to them. Jack Barnes’ latest tweet:
https://twitter.com/Jackbarnesmra/status/663924777590067200
I can’t tell whether he actually feels threatened and is overreacting, or if he’s MTSU and enjoying it.
I’ve decided they don’t FTSU, they MTSU. As in, Make This Shit Up. It even puts an M where there was an F and that’s what they want in the world right?
Bet you a dollar to a donut another MRA doxxed Jackie Boy.
They consume their own. We know this for a fact.
I didn’t see this until now, but Paulie made a Twitlonger (#IStandWithJack) about 13 hours ago:
https://twitter.com/AVoiceForMen/status/663787404407377925
In it, he specifies:
So according to them, this person made a vague threat “in Futrelle’s name”. I still haven’t seen them provide any information as to where and how the doxing and the threat was made. Seeing as AVFM have a long history of shady tactics and dishonesty, I would say with 99% certainty this is an AVFM reader trying to pin something on David (if this thing even happened in the first place).
Of course I can’t say for certain that this person isn’t an extremely shitty person who also happens to be a Mammotheer, but we do know for certain that David has never promoted violence, threats or other forms of harassment. We also know that on the rare occassion that a commenter at WHTM wanders into those territories, they get shut down immediately by the regulars. This sort of rhetoric is simply not a part of this blog.
Despite this, Paulie goes on to tell all sorts of lies and make strange demands, such as:
“So how has David Futrelle answered? Not by stating that he discourages this type of behavior in his readers.” (Wrong, he did say he discourages doxing.)
“Not by assuring that is readers won’t attack Jack’s family.” (David does not control the readers of his blog, but he hasn’t once suggested violence is acceptable or useful as a strategy.)
“Not by promising to write a post admonishing his readers to refrain from engaging in violence against their political opponents.” (He’s supposed to admonish his readers to refrain from doing something that none of them have done, and none of them have shown interest in doing?)
“he can admit what his current response indicates; that he intends for harm to come Jack’s family as a result of his shit stirring, that he DOES encourage his readers to engage in this type of behavior, and that he DOES intend for one or more of his readers to respond to his writing by engaging in violence against HIS political opponents” (Completely made up.)
“The threat narrative built by Futrelle’s writing has resulted in a pattern of behavior among his faithful that would be called stalking or targeted harassment if MRAs or even just guys in general did it to feminist women.” (Citation sorely needed.)
“These nutjobs actually once tried to push a man to commit suicide by starvation because they were angry that he was asking that Canadian law be enforced equally with respect to both sexes.” (Insert Dave Chappelle’s Lil Jon ‘WHAT’ here.)
“Futrelle’s dishonest, deliberately inflammatory shit-stirring has inspired one of his head-fucked followers to directly dox and directly threaten the six-year-old child of one of his political opponents” (Now treating this as fact, despite not providing a shred of evidence that this threat ever happened, much less that it came from one of David’s readers.)
“He uses the word ‘escalate’ to describe Jack’s conditional statement. He ignores the fact that targeting Jack’s family IS escalation” (Now claiming that David has personally targeted Jack’s family.)
This is the level of anger and blind accusations they’ve managed to work themselves up to, targeting specifically David, and it’s all based on nothing at all. It’s such a transparently fabricated story i can’t even roll my eyes hard enough.
I would normally be inclined to just shrug and accept that some people do shitty things, sometimes even people who are on “my side”. But in this case, fuck it, I’ll just come out and say it: The fucking asshole doxed himself, if there ever was a doxing in the first place. Their treatment of this whole situation makes it too obvious. They’re salivating too openly.