Yesterday, I introduced you to the mysterious vaginal goo that enables those with vaginas to transform nearby men (and possibly even some women) into helpless zombie vagina slaves. According to some totally legit scientific studies summarized on the blog WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION, the hormone-ish lady chemicals called “copulins” act a bit like the magical midi-chlorians from Star Wars, turning ordinary women into Jedi masters of the vagina.
Also, they smell like butter.
If you haven’t read my original post on the subject, go read it now. Trust me, ladies, you won’t regret it.
Since writing yesterday’s post, I have done some additional research on the subject. So let me answer some lingering questions you gals might have.
I have had sex with my boyfriend many times, but I have not yet seized complete control of his mind, and he frequently exhibits annoying amounts of free will. What am I doing wrong?
Are you moving around at all during sex? While most sex-havers exhibit a strong preference for movement during intercourse, the most effective way to transmit your copulins into his brain is if both of you remain motionless. As WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION notes,
Through the process of coupling a female and male will lay relatively still without having sex with the penis inside of the vagina. The process may take up to 15 minutes and works faster and more efficiently when the female is on top of the male.
You may wish to distract your fella with some sports talk radio so that he doesn’t notice that you’ve stopped having sex with him and instead are lying atop him stock still with a slightly maniacal look on your face.
During this period the vagina injects up to 1/2 cup (100 ml) of the copulin fluid into the urethral opening at the tip of the penis, which is chemically attracted to semen, and will follow the semen down the shaft directly into the testicles.
Yep. Not half a teaspoon, half a cup. Apparently, penises are a bit like the Tardis, a lot bigger on the inside than they appear on the outside.
After 15 minutes of coupling the copulins will have entered the blood stream and traveled from his testicles up into the hypothalamus (a section of the brain that controls hormones) causing the male to become completely influenced by the needs and suggestions of the female.
And there you go, ladies!
In your last post, you said that copulins can also be transmitted in the form of a butter-scented gas, in order to ensnare nearby males. Yet none of the men I stood next to today started spontaneously doing my bidding. What’s up with that?
Be patient! Proper copulin transmission can take up to 15 minutes! As this totally legit real science website explains:
When a woman breathes, the movement causes minute amounts of copulins to become airborne. If she is stationary for an extended period of time, the copulins will eventually exist in the air around her; however, it appears to take some time for copulins to escape clothing fabric and actually become airborne.
But if you wait long enough, all the males in your vicinity will ultimately surrender to your Jedi vagina juice. WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION elaborates on this point:
Fifteen minutes is all it takes for copulins to take over a majority of the hypothalamus gland. … If you are within 3 feet of an ovulating woman or group of them YOUR polypeptides are being replaced at a rate of 5% a minute with THEIR copulins.
What if I don’t want any dudes sticking their icky man penises inside me? Can I turn a dude into a vagina zombie just by having him perform oral sex on me?
Yes! Just be sure to slather your basement area with baby powder before he starts heading downstairs. According to our totally legit science expert,
the use of talc (baby powder) on the vagina may facilitate copulins to becoming airborne. The copulins attach to the powder particles and are inhaled by the male, or enter the bloodstream via the eyes (which would explain why it works faster).
Gosh, David, I would love to transform every man around me into my helpless vagina slave, but how can I be sure this will work?
You don’t have to take my word for it! Listen instead to the totally real females who wrote in to this totally legit science page about copulins with their testimonials
Female: My husband is very happy now, and very helpful. … our marriage has become even better.
Female: He does all the housework, everything, and he is so happy about it! Its a miracle! …
Female: I use “power” words like the lady commenting here. I find it works wonders at keeping my boyfriend happy even long after we are “together”. Because with a word I can make him feel pleasure or pain, he sees me like a magic power, and has a…lot of respect for me always.
Wow. Can my vagina goo really give me that much power over men?
Yes, and more! According to this totally legit copulin expert, women can even command men who’ve been under their vaginal control for some time to stop thinking about things they don’t want them to — even GOLF!
If the female stated that he won’t think about golf anymore, and will instead think of her, the male will find himself incapable of thinking of golf while the copulins are present.
In the final stage of “copulin dominance,” the man will stop thinking these terrible golf thoughts altogether, even if his vaginal commander isn’t there to remind him not to think about golf.
Past communication has already established that the female doesn’t want him to play golf, and so the copulins allow only those thoughts that promote non-golf activities to reach the conscious level.
Ultimately, the vagina slave will turn into something resembling a zombie, sans rotting flesh and the overpowering urge to eat brains,
Females report that males at this stage, as copulins are transmitting, steadily become “dumber”, repeating themselves or the female’s words, slurring, or mixing words up. Late in the coupling, females state that the male will typically become incoherent and finally go silent.
Vagina zombification, complete!
Once a hypothalamus is flooded with copulins, the male brain is just sitting on idle, with only the bare minimum of thought process. In this state, the male is probably not thinking of anything at all, but any input from the female will become the male’s singular focus.
And she doesn’t even have to be there!
The female can plant ideas during coupling (later stages of the session) and the male will act upon them at a later date, completely convinced they are his own ideas … .
Boy, I’m really glad I decided to write this post!
Yes.
The situation’s similar to the view that some particularly paternalist of a woman’s relationship to God being mediated through her husband.
The Feline shall make its will known to the Masculine through the will and actions of the Feminine.
Let it be known.
How can I take the red pill if some woman is controlling the colors I see?????
I’m so mixed up right now.
Zombifying Vaginal Goo Part II: Electric Boogaloo
Willful stupidity is a dangerous drug. And these people are coked to the gills on it. I’ve never seen anyone so determinedly through the Looking Glass. Hope none of them are using this projection as an excuse to dox and menace you.
Also, re: Gnarfy dreams — I have reached the point where I realize in dreams that I am dreaming, usually when something stupid happens and I go “hmph, I don’t like this dream”, and then promptly wake up, shift position, go back to sleep and soon start dreaming something else. I haven’t yet figured out how to stay in the same dream and change the parts I don’t like, though. Frustrating!
Ooh, are we doing dreams now?
A couple weeks ago, I dreamed that I was a high school boy on the train to a distant city where I had signed up for PUA lessons. I was going to stay with a friend from online gaming I had never met. I got up to look for the dining car and somehow ended up in an enormous private car lined with bookshelves, and home to a goth girl and her enormous collection of bird cages. We talked for a long time and then suddenly she was on top of my kissing me and and then she was gone somehow and I was looking for the dining car and reflecting on how that was not really how PUAs say the world works.
When I got the city my host had left their apartment unlocked with a note that they’d gone out for the night but I should make myself at home. I looked around and realized that the apartment was full of birdcages, and when I found some pictures on the walls I realized that my gamer friend was actually the girl from the train. At that point I kinda lost interest in the PUA worldview but she was gone for the night and I needed something to do so I decided to go anyway.
So I met up with this PUA guru at some bar and I was about to go up and “open” this group of girls when BRAD FUCKING PITT walked in and started talking to them. And I was like “what are you even doing Brad Pitt, aren’t you married?” And he was like “gross, dude, what are you talking about? We’re just hanging out and having a good time.” And my PUA told me to just move on to another group but I didn’t feel like it so I went and waited out in the hall listening to Brad Pitt’s group’s uproarious laughter through the door while the PUA chatted up some other girls. Then he announced we were moving to a new bar, but the music there was loud and I had gotten tired of the whole thing, so I waited in the hall again mumbling angrily to myself.
Then the people inside started chanting “Karl! Karl! Karl!” and I got freaked out because Karl was a friend of mine from back home who I didn’t expect to be in this city, and who I had though was as clueless as I was. I really didn’t want him to see me here but I was kinda frozen with fear and when he came through the door I tried to scurry into a dark corner and hide, but it was too late, we made eye contact, and I woke up.
I must say that I feel some what slighted here. Not a single one of the women I’ve been involved with have seen fit to attempt to control my mind. Why is that? Wasn’t I good enough to enslave with buttery whatevers? This apparently a world full of mindless drones and here I am cognitive facilities completely unimpaired. It’s not right.
@Professor Fate:
You only think you’re free. In actual fact you’re controlled by a woman somewhere who is choosing for you to fool yourself in this manner and remain unaware of it. You’re a sleeper agent.
All the other women, naturally, are too well-mannered to intrude upon her dominion of you; meaning that nobody else’s copulin has entered your brain to contest it.
/s
Well than that’s okay – as long as I’m not being left out here.
Ha! It works! And Professor fate only thinks the cessation of his whining was his own idea…!
and what about gay? what effect if any does copulin have on them?
I am honestly surprised he is that f***Ing stupid.
This fucking creep Jack Barnes uploaded a youtube video about a month ago, firing some sort of weapon at a shooting range while holding his 5 year old daughter, “teaching her about gun safety”. And he put @JessicaValenti in the video title. What the fuck is wrong with this dude?
A man who hasn’t died (because inferior specimens do that when given the vagina-goo-zombie-mind control chemical) should just be grateful he’s not dead. And clean the kitchen, then the bathrooms. Make sure to pay special attention to that messy over-spray nonsense behind and next to the toilet, that’s nasty and needs to be cleaned up.
hugs!
Katie.
Wait, I’m confused. I thought women’s natural position in life, biologically speaking, was submissive to men, happily popping out litters of babies and cooking and cleaning and generally making the man happy all day. If that’s the case, why would we also be biologically designed to make men our slaves? MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MINDS, MRAs.
OMG, that motherfucker has a daughter? Poor little thing. If she’s not terrorized out of her wits, I hope she gets the fuck out of Dodge as soon as she’s old enough to make a run for it.
So I found this. A biased, blatantly pro-MRA puff piece about Cassie Jaye’s film on a reasonably mainstream media site. Ugh.
http://www.konbini.com/en/lifestyle/feminist-documentary-mens-rights/
https://twitter.com/Jackbarnesmra/status/663744488674893824
This creepy fuck is starting to sound more and more dangerous to himself and others.
Sorry, I know this was a little while back in the thread, but…
Au contraire!
That doesn’t work for me. I once pulled an all nighter working on a paper for a US history course, and then was editing it at the dining room table when I thought to myself, “Self, why the heck did I just write a paper on Queen Elizabeth I for US history? Also, why am I quoting Mercedes Lackey?” I double checked the book I had referenced. The quote was still there. Word for word.
Then I woke up. Worst dream ever. It sucks to dream about pulling an all nighter because it stupidly felt like pulling an all nighter.
Shockingly, the citation for the quote was accurate to the word and to the page of the awake checking, too.
Somehow I can’t do that while awake.
TL;DR, book method isn’t always foolproof. Also, my dreams sometimes suck and you alls sounded much more fun.
You people have weird dreams. :p
I always dream that I have pet hamsters and mice, and they multiplying, changing their appearance, and escaping their cages. I wake up super stressed and exhausted.
they *keep* multiplying
@contrapangloss
I have to say writing a paper for a US history course might be difficult to top for most boring dream ever. Haha.
Jack Barnes went up to a level 10 on the Creepy Pr*ck O Meter.
Some dreams are amazing (I once dreamed of cyborg dinosaurs) and then some are absolute messed up nightmares. I had one nightmare.. Well that’s what I get for playing Silent hill 3.
dhag85
“I always dream that I have pet hamsters and mice, and they multiplying, changing their appearance, and escaping their cages. I wake up super stressed and exhausted.”
And we are the ones who have the wierd dreams?
I constantly have that exact same dream!
@katz
Seriously? It’s been haunting me for 25 years.
Is there any greater example of how they don’t actually see women as human? They see us as a completely different species?