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Zombifying Vagina Goo Part Two: All Your Questions Answered!

Copulins in full effect!
Copulins in full effect!

Yesterday, I introduced you to the mysterious vaginal goo that enables those with vaginas to transform nearby men (and possibly even some women) into helpless zombie vagina slaves. According to some totally legit scientific studies summarized on the blog WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION, the hormone-ish lady chemicals called “copulins” act a bit like the magical midi-chlorians from Star Wars, turning ordinary women into Jedi masters of the vagina.

Also, they smell like butter.

If you haven’t read my original post on the subject, go read it now. Trust me, ladies, you won’t regret it.

Since writing yesterday’s post, I have done some additional research on the subject. So let me answer some lingering questions you gals might have.

I have had sex with my boyfriend many times, but I have not yet seized complete control of his mind, and he frequently exhibits annoying amounts of free will. What am I doing wrong?

Are you moving around at all during sex? While most sex-havers exhibit a strong preference for movement during intercourse, the most effective way to transmit your copulins into his brain is if both of you remain motionless. As WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION notes,

Through the process of coupling a female and male will lay relatively still without having sex with the penis inside of the vagina. The process may take up to 15 minutes and works faster and more efficiently when the female is on top of the male.

You may wish to distract your fella with some sports talk radio so that he doesn’t notice that you’ve stopped having sex with him and instead are lying atop him stock still with a slightly maniacal look on your face.

During this period the vagina injects up to 1/2 cup (100 ml) of the copulin fluid into the urethral opening at the tip of the penis, which is chemically attracted to semen, and will follow the semen down the shaft directly into the testicles.

Yep. Not half a teaspoon, half a cup. Apparently, penises are a bit like the Tardis, a lot bigger on the inside than they appear on the outside.

After 15 minutes of coupling the copulins will have entered the blood stream and traveled from his testicles up into the hypothalamus (a section of the brain that controls hormones) causing the male to become completely influenced by the needs and suggestions of the female.

And there you go, ladies!

In your last post, you said that copulins can also be transmitted in the form of a butter-scented gas, in order to ensnare nearby males. Yet none of the men I stood next to today started spontaneously doing my bidding. What’s up with that?

Be patient! Proper copulin transmission can take up to 15 minutes! As this totally legit real science website explains:

When a woman breathes, the movement causes minute amounts of copulins to become airborne. If she is stationary for an extended period of time, the copulins will eventually exist in the air around her; however, it appears to take some time for copulins to escape clothing fabric and actually become airborne.

But if you wait long enough, all the males in your vicinity will ultimately surrender to your Jedi vagina juice. WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION elaborates on this point:

Fifteen minutes is all it takes for copulins to take over a majority of the hypothalamus gland. … If you are within 3 feet of an ovulating woman or group of them YOUR polypeptides are being replaced at a rate of 5% a minute with THEIR copulins.

What if I don’t want any dudes sticking their icky man penises inside me? Can I turn a dude into a vagina zombie just by having him perform oral sex on me?

Yes! Just be sure to slather your basement area with baby powder before he starts heading downstairs. According to our totally legit science expert,

the use of talc (baby powder) on the vagina may facilitate copulins to becoming airborne. The copulins attach to the powder particles and are inhaled by the male, or enter the bloodstream via the eyes (which would explain why it works faster).

Gosh, David, I would love to transform every man around me into my helpless vagina slave, but how can I be sure this will work?

You don’t have to take my word for it! Listen instead to the totally real females who wrote in to this totally legit science page about copulins with their testimonials

Female: My husband is very happy now, and very helpful. … our marriage has become even better.

Female: He does all the housework, everything, and he is so happy about it! Its a miracle! …

Female: I use “power” words like the lady commenting here. I find it works wonders at keeping my boyfriend happy even long after we are “together”. Because with a word I can make him feel pleasure or pain, he sees me like a magic power, and has a…lot of respect for me always.

Wow. Can my vagina goo really give me that much power over men?

Yes, and more! According to this totally legit copulin expert, women can even command men who’ve been under their vaginal control for some time to stop thinking about things they don’t want them to — even GOLF!

If the female stated that he won’t think about golf anymore, and will instead think of her, the male will find himself incapable of thinking of golf while the copulins are present.

In the final stage of “copulin dominance,” the man will stop thinking these terrible golf thoughts altogether, even if his vaginal commander isn’t there to remind him not to think about golf.

Past communication has already established that the female doesn’t want him to play golf, and so the copulins allow only those thoughts that promote non-golf activities to reach the conscious level. 

Ultimately, the vagina slave will turn into something resembling a zombie, sans rotting flesh and the overpowering urge to eat brains,

Females report that males at this stage, as copulins are transmitting, steadily become “dumber”, repeating themselves or the female’s words, slurring, or mixing words up. Late in the coupling, females state that the male will typically become incoherent and finally go silent.

Vagina zombification, complete!

Once a hypothalamus is flooded with copulins, the male brain is just sitting on idle, with only the bare minimum of thought process. In this state, the male is probably not thinking of anything at all, but any input from the female will become the male’s singular focus. 

And she doesn’t even have to be there!

The female can plant ideas during coupling (later stages of the session) and the male will act upon them at a later date, completely convinced they are his own ideas … .

Boy, I’m really glad I decided to write this post!

 

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raysa
raysa
8 years ago

My husband said 2 things about all this.

1. The Vangurian Candidate

2. Now I know why I get turned on while eating toast. Or corn. Or muffins. Or anything with butter.

Crip Dyke
Crip Dyke
8 years ago

@weirwoodtreehugger:

I don’t know, but I think I know why they call our enslaved men “beta orbiters” now. I thought it was fancy symbolic language.

Well, originally it was “butter orbiters” because Alphas and Omegas are just as subject to our capering copulins. It wasn’t fancy symbolic language, really. It was all about the pull exerted by our butter bits. But the betas always think everything is about themselves, so as soon as someone was hearing it said rather than reading it, …

If you want, of course, you can talc to them about the problem and I’m sure you can get agreement their language should switch back.

Crip Dyke
Crip Dyke
8 years ago

BTW: Dave?

Ed Brayton sent me here to say that he’s very disappointed in you for failing to put “Electric Boogaloo” in the title of this post.

Andrew Norton
Andrew Norton
8 years ago

do not totally agree with this guy on everything, but this video is funny as hell 🙂

mrex
mrex
8 years ago

@ LankyYankee

“This is the best thing ever! It’s literally a list of excuses for this guy, and those like him, to never have to examine their beliefs or self, ever.”

Yeah, I don’t think men should be shamed with “creep” or “you’re just bitter because you can’t get laid”. Although some certainly are reasonable questions in most contexts, such as “if you didn’t date bimbos…”, most really are shaming tactics.

Subtract Hominem, the Renegade Misandroid
Subtract Hominem, the Renegade Misandroid
8 years ago

Crip Dyke: I hope I’m not the only other Dispatches from the Culture Wars reader who had the exact same thought.

erika
erika
8 years ago

Every time I read that thing about entering the penis, I just think about “pushing rope.”

Imperator Lolita (@MsLolaLucia)

…crying with laughter…

Sjofn
Sjofn
8 years ago

This reminds me more of the Time Cube guy than anything else.

Bina
Bina
8 years ago

THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.

But, what would happen if I got the goo in my system? Would it result in me giving you where I stashed the chocolate? Would it mean I’d be your fashion model for the clothes you want to try out?

I have absolutely no idea. No guy I’ve ever boinked has actually become my serf or anything like it. I wonder if I am womaning all wrong…again.

Snowberry
Snowberry
8 years ago

I swear this blog is starting to mess with my head.

Last night I had a dream. There was a guy who looked like a younger version of Roosh V. He was wring random algebra equations and geometric shapes on a piece of paper. Then he said, “At last! Absolute proof that shooting steel beams at JFK can’t melt holographic moon projectors!” The he tried to show the paper to various women who looked like 1950s housewives. They all turned away in disgust, saying things like “What is wrong with you?!” and “I’m calling a cab and never coming back.” He got angry at them for being stupid and rude, but then freaked out when he noticed that all of his writing had disappeared and the paper said “GNARF GNARF GNARF GNARF GNARF GNARF” in big bold letters. Then he tried typing “This is a sentence” into a word processor on a laptop. Then slowly and nervously put the screen down so he couldn’t see the text, and quickly flipped it back up again. The entire page was filled with “gnarf” in normal text. He started screaming.

I’m too confused to say whether this was a nightmare or not.

Leda Atomica
Leda Atomica
8 years ago

@Snowberry
“I’m too confused to say whether this was a nightmare or not.”

Perfect summary of real life Roosh V -type experience as well.

Fruitloopsie
Fruitloopsie
8 years ago

Snowberry
I had a dream about manospherians too you and me both I think need breaks from this.

syrenionland
8 years ago

Well fuck, obviously I’m not femal-ing hard enough – none of my former male or female partners have succumbed to my will with such zombie like tenacity as described by this terrified (and presumably quite horny, by now) man. Perhaps I ought to start storing my liquid copulin in the fridge rather than releasing it in buttery queefs.

LankyYankee
LankyYankee
8 years ago

@mrex

So you’ve never had a guy creep on you? Some are shaming tactics – the phrase “man up” is terrible and I don’t agree with it.

However, what is someone shaming by calling someone else a creep? Do I not get to call a guy a creep when he stares at a friend and me at a coffee shop for half an hour solid? And when I confront him about the staring, he calls me a “fugly cunt bitch”? Or how about the numerous men who have followed me, sometimes making lewd comments or graphic remarks, sometimes not, through malls, train stations, down the street? Or the rather large number of male coworkers that I’ve had that have felt that touching me without consent is okay? I’m not talking a pat on the shoulder, either – one colleague came up behind me at work and began petting my hair, whispering what a good girl I was as he did it. I was the only one in the office at the time. How is any of that not creepy? What other word would you prefer I used?

Fred_the_Dog
8 years ago

People doing creepy things are creepy, and can be called creeps. Creepy behavior is entirely within one’s control and can be stopped at any time. So people who exhibit creepy behavior have pretty much earned the title of “creep”. It’s really unpleasant to be targeted by one of these people; it’s really OK for the target(s) to call it out for what it is. Otherwise the behavior is continued and other people think they can do it, too.

There are creepy women, but they are far outnumbered by the creepy men.

Bina
Bina
8 years ago

Last night I had a dream. There was a guy who looked like a younger version of Roosh V. He was wring random algebra equations and geometric shapes on a piece of paper. Then he said, “At last! Absolute proof that shooting steel beams at JFK can’t melt holographic moon projectors!” The he tried to show the paper to various women who looked like 1950s housewives. They all turned away in disgust, saying things like “What is wrong with you?!” and “I’m calling a cab and never coming back.” He got angry at them for being stupid and rude, but then freaked out when he noticed that all of his writing had disappeared and the paper said “GNARF GNARF GNARF GNARF GNARF GNARF” in big bold letters. Then he tried typing “This is a sentence” into a word processor on a laptop. Then slowly and nervously put the screen down so he couldn’t see the text, and quickly flipped it back up again. The entire page was filled with “gnarf” in normal text. He started screaming.

This needs to become a short film. I’d watch!

katz
katz
8 years ago

Last night I had a dream. There was a guy who looked like a younger version of Roosh V. He was wring random algebra equations and geometric shapes on a piece of paper. Then he said, “At last! Absolute proof that shooting steel beams at JFK can’t melt holographic moon projectors!” The he tried to show the paper to various women who looked like 1950s housewives. They all turned away in disgust, saying things like “What is wrong with you?!” and “I’m calling a cab and never coming back.” He got angry at them for being stupid and rude, but then freaked out when he noticed that all of his writing had disappeared and the paper said “GNARF GNARF GNARF GNARF GNARF GNARF” in big bold letters. Then he tried typing “This is a sentence” into a word processor on a laptop. Then slowly and nervously put the screen down so he couldn’t see the text, and quickly flipped it back up again. The entire page was filled with “gnarf” in normal text. He started screaming.

10/10 would dream

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

Totaling saw Clara running around going “dreams checks” to a newspaper full of random letters. Because everything is Doctor Who. Or XKCD, but Who this time.

LankyYankee — did he think you were a cat? WTF?!

baroncognito
8 years ago

Are shaming tactics necessarily bad? I mean, saying “you’re fat and you should feel bad.” is bad, but saying “You know, waiters don’t necessarily get paid minimum wage and you’re an asshole if you don’t tip.” is also shaming, and that’s not bad.

So, I think that the “creep shaming” thing is just a misunderstanding of the arguments.

When someone says “Don’t slut shame” they’re saying “Being sexually active is just as healthy a decision as not having sex. You should not criticize someone for either.”

But someone who says “Don’t creep shame” they’re saying “Well, if you want to act in whatever manner you want without getting judged for it, I should be able to act however I want without social consequences.”

So yes, saying “I bet he’s never been with a woman.” shouldn’t be an insult, and calling someone a virgin shouldn’t be an insult either, but saying “you’re being really creepy.” is an entirely valid complaint to make.

wembley
wembley
8 years ago

Is anyone going to sock up and join the Copulins mailing list? It looks like they were pretty active in 2006. I’m dying to know what these geniuses were talking about.

Kat
Kat
8 years ago

@Snowberry, @Fruitloopsie

I had a dream about the manosphere too! I don’t remember the dream, except for the fact that someone was out to get me. This was two nights ago.

Katie Hive Mind?

Herlander
Herlander
8 years ago

Ok… I have some questions!

1. As a gay man, why am I not affected by this Vagina Jedi thingies? Would also like to state that I’m probably more likely to be around more women than men, so I’m assuming I’d be completely zombified by now…

2. If I’m being affected by multiple Jedi Vaginas… then which ones holds control over me? is it like a queen bee or just hive mind thingy? Does the Queen bee smells like… butter or any other dairy product? I hope its not one of those smelly cheeses… I mean… I do like cheese, but some really stink!

3. This is grosse but… if I ask one of my friends to give me some of her Vagina Jedi Goo, can I use it to lure and enslave other guys? Is it compatible with my hardware? What if I’m allergic and develop a rash, or worst get a virus?

4. I’m assuming Lesbians are immune uh?

Bogles the mind…

dhag85
8 years ago

Just want to say to David Futrelle that I’m really sorry to see the shit that’s going down with Jack Barnes right now. It’s terrible. Stay safe and I hope you report him for this. It’s difficult to describe his behavior without wandering into ableist territory, but at least I can say what he’s doing seems highly irrational and dangerous. Someone needs to talk sense into this violent creep.

dhag85
8 years ago

https://twitter.com/SuzyMcCarley/status/663586661863788544

This is just some new level of denialism. She’s literally saying David has not condemned the doxing while in the same tweet quoting David condemning the doxing. What the actual fuck.