Yesterday, I introduced you to the mysterious vaginal goo that enables those with vaginas to transform nearby men (and possibly even some women) into helpless zombie vagina slaves. According to some totally legit scientific studies summarized on the blog WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION, the hormone-ish lady chemicals called “copulins” act a bit like the magical midi-chlorians from Star Wars, turning ordinary women into Jedi masters of the vagina.
Also, they smell like butter.
If you haven’t read my original post on the subject, go read it now. Trust me, ladies, you won’t regret it.
Since writing yesterday’s post, I have done some additional research on the subject. So let me answer some lingering questions you gals might have.
I have had sex with my boyfriend many times, but I have not yet seized complete control of his mind, and he frequently exhibits annoying amounts of free will. What am I doing wrong?
Are you moving around at all during sex? While most sex-havers exhibit a strong preference for movement during intercourse, the most effective way to transmit your copulins into his brain is if both of you remain motionless. As WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION notes,
Through the process of coupling a female and male will lay relatively still without having sex with the penis inside of the vagina. The process may take up to 15 minutes and works faster and more efficiently when the female is on top of the male.
You may wish to distract your fella with some sports talk radio so that he doesn’t notice that you’ve stopped having sex with him and instead are lying atop him stock still with a slightly maniacal look on your face.
During this period the vagina injects up to 1/2 cup (100 ml) of the copulin fluid into the urethral opening at the tip of the penis, which is chemically attracted to semen, and will follow the semen down the shaft directly into the testicles.
Yep. Not half a teaspoon, half a cup. Apparently, penises are a bit like the Tardis, a lot bigger on the inside than they appear on the outside.
After 15 minutes of coupling the copulins will have entered the blood stream and traveled from his testicles up into the hypothalamus (a section of the brain that controls hormones) causing the male to become completely influenced by the needs and suggestions of the female.
And there you go, ladies!
In your last post, you said that copulins can also be transmitted in the form of a butter-scented gas, in order to ensnare nearby males. Yet none of the men I stood next to today started spontaneously doing my bidding. What’s up with that?
Be patient! Proper copulin transmission can take up to 15 minutes! As this totally legit real science website explains:
When a woman breathes, the movement causes minute amounts of copulins to become airborne. If she is stationary for an extended period of time, the copulins will eventually exist in the air around her; however, it appears to take some time for copulins to escape clothing fabric and actually become airborne.
But if you wait long enough, all the males in your vicinity will ultimately surrender to your Jedi vagina juice. WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION elaborates on this point:
Fifteen minutes is all it takes for copulins to take over a majority of the hypothalamus gland. … If you are within 3 feet of an ovulating woman or group of them YOUR polypeptides are being replaced at a rate of 5% a minute with THEIR copulins.
What if I don’t want any dudes sticking their icky man penises inside me? Can I turn a dude into a vagina zombie just by having him perform oral sex on me?
Yes! Just be sure to slather your basement area with baby powder before he starts heading downstairs. According to our totally legit science expert,
the use of talc (baby powder) on the vagina may facilitate copulins to becoming airborne. The copulins attach to the powder particles and are inhaled by the male, or enter the bloodstream via the eyes (which would explain why it works faster).
Gosh, David, I would love to transform every man around me into my helpless vagina slave, but how can I be sure this will work?
You don’t have to take my word for it! Listen instead to the totally real females who wrote in to this totally legit science page about copulins with their testimonials
Female: My husband is very happy now, and very helpful. … our marriage has become even better.
Female: He does all the housework, everything, and he is so happy about it! Its a miracle! …
Female: I use “power” words like the lady commenting here. I find it works wonders at keeping my boyfriend happy even long after we are “together”. Because with a word I can make him feel pleasure or pain, he sees me like a magic power, and has a…lot of respect for me always.
Wow. Can my vagina goo really give me that much power over men?
Yes, and more! According to this totally legit copulin expert, women can even command men who’ve been under their vaginal control for some time to stop thinking about things they don’t want them to — even GOLF!
If the female stated that he won’t think about golf anymore, and will instead think of her, the male will find himself incapable of thinking of golf while the copulins are present.
In the final stage of “copulin dominance,” the man will stop thinking these terrible golf thoughts altogether, even if his vaginal commander isn’t there to remind him not to think about golf.
Past communication has already established that the female doesn’t want him to play golf, and so the copulins allow only those thoughts that promote non-golf activities to reach the conscious level.
Ultimately, the vagina slave will turn into something resembling a zombie, sans rotting flesh and the overpowering urge to eat brains,
Females report that males at this stage, as copulins are transmitting, steadily become “dumber”, repeating themselves or the female’s words, slurring, or mixing words up. Late in the coupling, females state that the male will typically become incoherent and finally go silent.
Vagina zombification, complete!
Once a hypothalamus is flooded with copulins, the male brain is just sitting on idle, with only the bare minimum of thought process. In this state, the male is probably not thinking of anything at all, but any input from the female will become the male’s singular focus.
And she doesn’t even have to be there!
The female can plant ideas during coupling (later stages of the session) and the male will act upon them at a later date, completely convinced they are his own ideas … .
Boy, I’m really glad I decided to write this post!
TIL that guys can’t be expected to read people’s minds and respect boundaries, but women are totally expected to read people’s minds and know their intentions.
mrex — catalpa’s last paragraph (pre TIL sentence) was where my line of questions was going. Either she’s simply not going to talk to // be around him, in which case that sucks a bit if it was a honest mistake, but better she feel safe than we coddle his mild annoyance (which, assuming he is honestly not an asshole, is really gonna be the end of it), and if she says it to him, and he’s not an ass, maybe he’ll learn something and we’ll all be a tiny bit better for it. Or she already knows him and says he’s being creepy, which, given context, odds are she means this behavior now, not his character. Or it somehow gets back to him, maybe via mutual friends, and they decide that he is creepy — which, as we all know, isn’t exactly the sort of “pick a side” that friends do without serious debate (and in practice they pick him, damn near always).
So basically in any logical scenario the worst case here is: for him, her group of friends decide he should be shunned, which is unlikely unless his behavior was objectively creepy, in which case fuck him; he feels like a dick. For her? She decides to overlook the behavior because it’s not fair to label him as a person based of this one thing (which best I can tell is what you are saying), and ends up getting that generosity rewarded with assault.
In fewer words — worst case for him is shame and being shunned, worst case for her is rape (well, murder really, but that’s a far more remote chance, where rape isn’t that remote)
So yeah, I’m siding with a maybe incorrect “this stranger is a total creep” over “well he didn’t mean it, he’s not A Creep, it was just a single behavior, and anyways, you’re shaming him!” Because this formal logic A != B is fine in theory, but in practice? We might as well be discussing the line between “it was sexual assault” and “she falsely accused me of rape”, sure, those could both be true, except that’s entirely irrelevant in the world we live in.
Ug, sorry it’s taken so long to get back to this. Crazy week.
@Argenti
“So yeah, I’m siding with a maybe incorrect “this stranger is a total creep” over “well he didn’t mean it, he’s not A Creep, it was just a single behavior, and anyways, you’re shaming him!” Because this formal logic A != B is fine in theory, but in practice?”
In practice they’re still entirely different arguments.
Maybe it would make more sense if I switched it around?
Let’s say that some dudebro came into here arguing that we can’t condemn men for calling women “bitch” or “asshole” because 1).it’s policing men’s behavior, 2).and men shouldn’t have to take mean behavior from women, and 3). men will not be able to talk about a girl’s mean behavior if they can’t use the word “bitch”.
Now, I agree with number 2. Men should be allowed to have any feelings they want about a girls behavior, whether or not others find those feelings accurate, reasonable, or whatever, and they should be allowed to draw whatever boundaries they like, whether or not other’s like them, or get their feelings hurt by them, or whatever. But to say number 2) makes number 3) or 1) correct, just nooo.
Our argument is the same thing. Look, I can understand the pushback I’m getting over this. Many MRAs do feel that *any* voicing of displeasure, *any* drawing of boundaries, is “shaming” men, because it hurts. They’re “nice guys”, so if they feel bad, it must be the women’s fault, right? But, on the other hand, women, as human beings, can be just as mean and verbally abusive as men.
I’m a woman, I get the tightrope. Too nice, and you “lead him on”; too mean, and you either hurt the guy or invite violence. Read the situation wrong, and get raped. Go too far the other way, and your life is crippled by fear.
But, guys do have feelings, guys are just as sensitive as girls. I have no problem calling out behavior, of bluntly telling it as it is. But I can agree with the idea that flat out labeling someone goes too far. And yeah, I’m a hypocrite, I have labeled and named called when pissed, but I do think I was wrong to do so.
Even a broken clock is right twice a day. I have no problem with agreeing with MRAs when I think they have a point. Especially since a common attack on feminists is that feminists want to switch with men, that they want to shame and beat down on men like women are under patriarchy. No, no, no.
@brooked
“The article deserved mockery, a guy who is remarkably terrible at making functional arguments claims that feminists use insults to shame him because they’re incapable of debating his truth bombs.”
Yeah, well, *that* deserves to be mocked. His terrible website deserves to be mocked. His sexism deserves to be mocked. His criticism of insults? Nope.
“How exactly do they use it to manipulate?”
Soften up someone’s self esteem and they become easier to manipulate and control.
Anyway, brooked, I definitely owe you an apology over the Jappy thing. I was being really stupid, and then didn’t apologize to boot. Which makes me an asshole.
I’m sorry.
@Mrex
‘I think it’s more accurate to say that boundaries exist before they’re expressed (verbally or nonverbally), but that they’re not in place yet because the other person has no clue what they are. Yeah, part of becoming socially adept is being able to guess what a boundary is likely to be, and most people get really good at this. But, for various reasons, including race, SES, individual personality and past experiences, and etc., misunderstandings are inevitable.’
I found this paragraph really interesting because it made my mind go off at a tangent, specifically ‘most people get really good at this’. It is amazing really just how good at recognising and respecting boundaries we have become.
We can pick up very subtle gestures that an individual is feeling uncomfortable, while understanding the group boundaries and their changeable nature dependent upon context as well. For example, our boundaries regarding personal space is reduced under certain circumstances, like being in a lift (US: Elevator), bus, or train. We are much closer physically to other people for reasons of practicality and on the whole, there is an understanding that the motivation is to get to our destinations as soon as possible. It’s not directed personally at anyone and it is not being used as one of PUA’s ever-so-smooth (not) moves.
However, if your carriage contains only you and one other person and they squash right up against you, that would be creepy. I can’t remember when I personally learned this lesson, so it must be really subliminal. But it’s creepy because it changes rapidly from anonymous necessary evil, to targetted and unnecessary violation of personal space.
I agree that there are going to be times when people get it wrong. Not sure I agree with your hard of hearing example as I used to be deaf myself. But yes, different culture, age etc will lead to mistakes. I break it down into categories to help me classify it. It allows for both validation that we can draw our own boundaries regardless of what others think, and those who transgress boundaries accidentally. That’s not to say I’m right or that this is the only way, but here goes.
1. Non-intentional violation of boundaries either by one party not knowing the boundary (as above), or the person feeling violated because they have a boundary significantly above and beyond the norm.. In this case I think it’s ok to say, from the perspective of the one violated that the situation/other person ‘gave me the creeps’.. I’ve heard this before with a qualifier afterwards such as, ‘They weren’t to know’ or ‘but they did apologise immediately.’. It’s a description of an internal feeling rather than labelling and accidental transgressor.
2. Knowing full well that they are stepping over boundaries, either because they are universal or because they’ve just been told, but continuing to do so anyway. Unless it’s routed in bigotry such as racism or sexism of course. For example, the refusal to use public facilities because someone with brown skin is also legally using the same facilities.
For all other cases, it doesn’t matter how strange you think their boundaries are, if you’ve accidentally violated another person’s boundaries, you apologise and step out immediately. Failure to do so makes you a creep, as apposed to accidentally inducing the ‘giving me the creeps’ feeling. It probably makes you an arsehole too. Btw, this ‘you’ isn’t directed at you personally, Mrex. I should probably have used ‘one’, but I ain’t the queen lol.
This is where, among a billion other instances, that I get really angry with MRA’s. They try to make the person doing the violating the victim, instead of the violated person being the actual victim. They claim this is because the transgressor can’t help being socially awkward/naive etc and we should be more understanding.
Actually, my experience of those who are socially awkward/anxious etc is that the last thing they want to do is mess up. Once either they realise or it’s pointed out, they apologise immediately and usually profusely. It’s insulting to those with genuine social challenges to be used as a defense by MRA’s who have a completely different mindset.
They find a way to justify their creepy behaviour in their pea brains with flawed logic. Women should be at home in the kitchen for example, so they should be grateful for his arsehole behaviour because they need to be taught a lesson. They should be thanking said MRA for his arseholish behaviour before he tips his fedora and leaves. MRA’s know their behaviour is wrong, but they continue anyway because they don’t care about the other person at all. Did I mention that MRA’s are arseholes?
*without those who transgress inadvertently being labelled as creeps.
Btw, I asked my flatmate (who only has one male colleague and works in a very female dominated environment) if his colleagues smell of butter. This unfortunately added to his impression of me that I’m a bit odd lol. But he assured me that they don’t. Of course that could just be all those pesky corpulins streaming through his blood stream and burrowing into his brain.
What really made me laugh though was the fact that the author (of the psuedosciencentific article, not this blog) clearly has no idea how female genitalia work, and as none of his intended audience pulled him up on it, neither do they. If you are going to set yourself up as an ‘expert’ in these matters, it helps to either own a vagina/vulva, or have been up close and personal with one. The giveaway (alluded to already by the blog author) is in this statement regarding oral sex (blog author’s quote included for context):
‘[Yes! Just be sure to slather your basement area with baby powder before he starts heading downstairs. According to our totally legit science expert,]
…..the use of talc (baby powder) on the vagina may facilitate copulins to becoming airborne. The copulins attach to the powder particles and are inhaled by the male, or enter the bloodstream via the eyes (which would explain why it works faster).’
I’m not going to go into too much detail here, but I’d like to explain exactly why it’s so factually incorrect, just in case. You never know, there could be someone on here thinking that they’re doing it wrong and baby powder should be used before oral sex. No, dear god no!
It is not common practice for the owner of a vulva to cover their ‘basement area’ with baby powder before someone performs oral sex on them. The inner surfaces of said basement area is a mucous membrane. So is the mouth. Baby powder is a drying agent (used to remove as much moisture as possible from a wet nappy/diaper). I can’t think of anything worse than a dried out mouth on a dried out basement area. You might as well use sandpaper.
In addition, while I have never performed said act myself, I can’t imagine that a mouthful of powder holds any appeal. Even without A meeting B, we all know the horrible feeling of dry mouth and tongue, and this has a powder going clumpy inside it as well. It’s also not manufactured for flavour, so probably tastes pretty yuck. And dried out basement parts are so uncomfortable it can result in soreness, chaffing and physical pain. But hey, who am I to question this ‘expert’, even if he is talking our of his basement parts?
‘
Damn, this is some serious conspiracy-theory shit. Now I want my mesmerizing goo!
Copulins are real & do keep a man somewhat stuck in thoughts. First off you want to have the copling sessions while she is ovulating. It takes multiple sessions before the copulins really kick in & begin having noticable affects. In my opinion copulins create a bond and it needs to be discussed first….cause when you know the ultimate goal it’s the greatest experience in the world.