Yesterday, I introduced you to the mysterious vaginal goo that enables those with vaginas to transform nearby men (and possibly even some women) into helpless zombie vagina slaves. According to some totally legit scientific studies summarized on the blog WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION, the hormone-ish lady chemicals called “copulins” act a bit like the magical midi-chlorians from Star Wars, turning ordinary women into Jedi masters of the vagina.
Also, they smell like butter.
If you haven’t read my original post on the subject, go read it now. Trust me, ladies, you won’t regret it.
Since writing yesterday’s post, I have done some additional research on the subject. So let me answer some lingering questions you gals might have.
I have had sex with my boyfriend many times, but I have not yet seized complete control of his mind, and he frequently exhibits annoying amounts of free will. What am I doing wrong?
Are you moving around at all during sex? While most sex-havers exhibit a strong preference for movement during intercourse, the most effective way to transmit your copulins into his brain is if both of you remain motionless. As WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION notes,
Through the process of coupling a female and male will lay relatively still without having sex with the penis inside of the vagina. The process may take up to 15 minutes and works faster and more efficiently when the female is on top of the male.
You may wish to distract your fella with some sports talk radio so that he doesn’t notice that you’ve stopped having sex with him and instead are lying atop him stock still with a slightly maniacal look on your face.
During this period the vagina injects up to 1/2 cup (100 ml) of the copulin fluid into the urethral opening at the tip of the penis, which is chemically attracted to semen, and will follow the semen down the shaft directly into the testicles.
Yep. Not half a teaspoon, half a cup. Apparently, penises are a bit like the Tardis, a lot bigger on the inside than they appear on the outside.
After 15 minutes of coupling the copulins will have entered the blood stream and traveled from his testicles up into the hypothalamus (a section of the brain that controls hormones) causing the male to become completely influenced by the needs and suggestions of the female.
And there you go, ladies!
In your last post, you said that copulins can also be transmitted in the form of a butter-scented gas, in order to ensnare nearby males. Yet none of the men I stood next to today started spontaneously doing my bidding. What’s up with that?
Be patient! Proper copulin transmission can take up to 15 minutes! As this totally legit real science website explains:
When a woman breathes, the movement causes minute amounts of copulins to become airborne. If she is stationary for an extended period of time, the copulins will eventually exist in the air around her; however, it appears to take some time for copulins to escape clothing fabric and actually become airborne.
But if you wait long enough, all the males in your vicinity will ultimately surrender to your Jedi vagina juice. WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION elaborates on this point:
Fifteen minutes is all it takes for copulins to take over a majority of the hypothalamus gland. … If you are within 3 feet of an ovulating woman or group of them YOUR polypeptides are being replaced at a rate of 5% a minute with THEIR copulins.
What if I don’t want any dudes sticking their icky man penises inside me? Can I turn a dude into a vagina zombie just by having him perform oral sex on me?
Yes! Just be sure to slather your basement area with baby powder before he starts heading downstairs. According to our totally legit science expert,
the use of talc (baby powder) on the vagina may facilitate copulins to becoming airborne. The copulins attach to the powder particles and are inhaled by the male, or enter the bloodstream via the eyes (which would explain why it works faster).
Gosh, David, I would love to transform every man around me into my helpless vagina slave, but how can I be sure this will work?
You don’t have to take my word for it! Listen instead to the totally real females who wrote in to this totally legit science page about copulins with their testimonials
Female: My husband is very happy now, and very helpful. … our marriage has become even better.
Female: He does all the housework, everything, and he is so happy about it! Its a miracle! …
Female: I use “power” words like the lady commenting here. I find it works wonders at keeping my boyfriend happy even long after we are “together”. Because with a word I can make him feel pleasure or pain, he sees me like a magic power, and has a…lot of respect for me always.
Wow. Can my vagina goo really give me that much power over men?
Yes, and more! According to this totally legit copulin expert, women can even command men who’ve been under their vaginal control for some time to stop thinking about things they don’t want them to — even GOLF!
If the female stated that he won’t think about golf anymore, and will instead think of her, the male will find himself incapable of thinking of golf while the copulins are present.
In the final stage of “copulin dominance,” the man will stop thinking these terrible golf thoughts altogether, even if his vaginal commander isn’t there to remind him not to think about golf.
Past communication has already established that the female doesn’t want him to play golf, and so the copulins allow only those thoughts that promote non-golf activities to reach the conscious level.
Ultimately, the vagina slave will turn into something resembling a zombie, sans rotting flesh and the overpowering urge to eat brains,
Females report that males at this stage, as copulins are transmitting, steadily become “dumber”, repeating themselves or the female’s words, slurring, or mixing words up. Late in the coupling, females state that the male will typically become incoherent and finally go silent.
Vagina zombification, complete!
Once a hypothalamus is flooded with copulins, the male brain is just sitting on idle, with only the bare minimum of thought process. In this state, the male is probably not thinking of anything at all, but any input from the female will become the male’s singular focus.
And she doesn’t even have to be there!
The female can plant ideas during coupling (later stages of the session) and the male will act upon them at a later date, completely convinced they are his own ideas … .
Boy, I’m really glad I decided to write this post!
It’s so bizarre that “Creep shaming” shaming has become a thing even though “Creep shaming” isn’t.
*puts a big “THIS” sticker on WWTH’s comment*
What WWTH said.
Okay, not exactly sure why everyone is rushing to “explain” to me that it’s not okay to invade people’s personal space when I was using that as an example of legitimately creepy behavior as per the definition of “creepy.” Point is, I think it’s always a good idea to use language in a way that will separate, “that one thing they did was creepy,” from “this is a person who is habitually creepy,” from, “this person seems downright predatory and doesn’t see fit to respect the basic notion of boundaries.”
@LG
For your friend, perhaps he could explain to people “hey I’m very hard of hearing, do you mind if I lean in really close so that I can listen better?”
LG — yeah I was afraid I’d read the reverse of what you said, but my mother was waiting for me and I had to run. Now that I’m back and see that I read you wrong, I want to apologize for my error. It seems we agree, and I’m sorry for assuming otherwise.
Just wanted to say thank you to everyone qho showed concern. Im humbled. I was worried about peoples reaction, so much that i didnt check this page for a few days. Knowing people who dont even know me might give a crap about me brought a tear to my eye and i thank you so much.
@LG “Point is, I think it’s always a good idea to use language in a way that will separate, “that one thing they did was creepy,” from “this is a person who is habitually creepy,” from, “this person seems downright predatory and doesn’t see fit to respect the basic notion of boundaries.”
Yeah. Plus creep gets used to describe guys who did nothing to cross boundaries, but whom the person in question just doesn’t like, for some reason. I obviously support women in drawing boundaries, but “creep” can get misused as a gendered slur, much like “bitch” can.
And then there was that one Jezebel article where the author wrote an entire article about how a guy was creepy for tracking his dates in a spreadsheet? That was hilariously bad.
FOUND the link.
Yeah, I’m side-eyeing the “jappy” thing, but a lot of Jewish girls wear it with pride so…. Other than that, the author is using “creepy” for “weird” or “awkward”. Article is several years old now, but patheticly enough this article is one of the things I remember when I think about how the term “creepy” gets misused. Prolly because it’s a little funny while the rest of the misuse of “creep” tends to be racist (different cultures have different concepts of personal space) or ableist (self_explainatory).
Mrex – yeah, no. Nah ah. “Creep” is not equivalent to “bitch” because FFS, societal context matters and societal context is patriarchy. Also, the fact that “bitch” is literally dehumanizing while “creep” is, at worst, defining someone by their bad behavior. Also, the fact that “bitch” is a catch-all for “woman doing anything I don’t like,” whereas “creep” refers specifically to boundary violations.
Women don’t routinely go around calling men “creeps” for sexually rejecting us, for having positions of authority, for being blunt or tactless, for not constantly smiling at us, for dressing ways we don’t like, for trying to do “women’s” jobs, for deciding that they don’t like one of us, or for being ambitious and confident. But when women do all of these things, we commonly get called “bitch.”
Do the labels “creep” and “creepy” get unfairly and overzealously applied to men sometimes? Sure. But that doesn’t mean you get to cry “misandry!” over it.
And yes, making a spreadsheet of all the women you’re talking to on a dating site and then sending that spreadsheet to them is a profoundly creepy thing to do.
Remember that we discussed the definition of “creepy” earlier: a violation of boundaries or norms which COULD signify, but isn’t definitively known to signify, some level of threat. The spreadsheet thing is creepy. My partially-deaf friend positioning himself in people’s personal space without realizing or explaining it is, to people who don’t know him well, creepy.
“Creepy” vs. “awkward” is a false binary. “Awkward” is what you call a boundary/social norm violation that is KNOWN to you to be harmless. Sure, *I* can comfortably dub my friend’s leaning-in behavior merely “awkward” – as can he – because I know that he is hard of hearing and I know that he is not someone who is a danger to women. The women he creeped out with this behavior, however, don’t have the benefit of that knowledge. From their perspective, “creepy” is a legit description.
It seems to me that when men get all touchy about how women use “creepy,” it’s precisely because they are uncomfortable with the fact that WOMEN HAVE A SUBJECTIVE EXPERIENCE OF THEM and are voicing it. The demand that is made of women in a patriarchal society is that we be eternal objects, that we eternally give men the benefit of the doubt, that we have some superhuman ability to know men as they know themselves, that we not have a perspective of our own. Demanding that we use “awkward” in place of “creepy” is enforcing this.
Seriously? Seriously?
Since we apparently need to go over this, there are no gendered slurs against men because we live in a patriarchy that sees being male as a good thing and being female as a bad thing. So, as LG pointed out, “bitch” can mean essentially any female behavior, because the actual crime is Existing While Female (same reason women sometimes get called “sluts” after rejecting men). Nobody slings “creep” around that way. It’s used to describe actual behavior.
If you want to live in a place where people bleep out “cr**py” to spare the manfeels, go hang out with Anti-Manboobz or whoever.
Time to post this again?
http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/03/socially-awkward-isnt-an-excuse/
My favorite passage
Seconding katz and LG here.
But but but people acting creepy is not nearly as big of a problem as false accusations of creepiness!
/s
@mrex
You should reconsider defending the term JAP considering the pervasive shitty stereotypes of Jewish women in our culture. I’ve heard the term first in the 1980s when arguably the only positive Jewish female character I knew was Kitty Pryde (thanks Woody Allen!). I have a long rant about this I’ve busted out after a few drinks that I’ll spare you but the image of Jewish women as unappealing grasping materialistic harpies who are inferior to sweetie Gentiles is in fact a bad thing.
Seriously, “creepy” is just not that strong a word to use about someone. Hell, I have a pair of “Welcome to Nightvale” shorts with “creepy” on the butt for laughs. The fact that women have long been using the word “creep” to mean “a man who is an asshole to women,” is, to me, evidence of how much women have been pressured against using strong language against men…particularly swears (and that continues to this day – lost track of the number of times a man who swears like a fucking sailor tells me to watch my langauge and be more ladylike).
“In your last post, you said that copulins can also be transmitted in the form of a butter-scented gas, in order to ensnare nearby males. Yet none of the men I stood next to today started spontaneously doing my bidding. What’s up with that?
Be patient! Proper copulin transmission can take up to 15 minutes! As this totally legit real science website explains:
When a woman breathes, the movement causes minute amounts of copulins to become airborne. If she is stationary for an extended period of time, the copulins will eventually exist in the air around her; however, it appears to take some time for copulins to escape clothing fabric and actually become airborne.”
I get it now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They’re confusing copulins with the cinematic experience since that’s where women are “stationary” and “breathing” for an extended period of time, while eating buttered popcorn.
Well that super legit scientific website thinks copulins are a good thing that “evens the odds” and “improves relationships”!
“What does this mean to me?
Most couples who have been together long enough know that the female has the ability to “control” the male’s behavior. Often a male’s behavior becomes significantly submissive to the female; at other times the male is quite dominant.
What does the female do to cause the male to become submissive? There was no scientific explanation for it until the discovery of copulins.
When copulins are transmitted from female to male, a dramatic change occurs: the male’s brain is completely open to the female’s input. Anything a woman says to her mate becomes his own thoughts. Call it marital mind-control, brainwashing, or whatever, but copulins have proven to improve relationships dramatically.
Copulins are Mother Nature’s way of creating a chemical bond between the male and female, and to even the odds between the female and the physically stronger male.”
Leave it to the Manosphere to put a negative spin on it.
@katz
“Since we apparently need to go over this, there are no gendered slurs against men because we live in a patriarchy that sees being male as a good thing and being female as a bad thing.”
Also, in our patriarchy, men are supposed to be loved by the ladies or at least paternalistic, chivalrous guardians. Men who are “creepy” are failing on both counts and are therefore “not men”. “Not men” = “women” = “bad” =”shamed”. Hello toxic masculinity.
This doesn’t mean that creep is *always* used to shame, just that it’s incorrect to say that it *isn’t* used to shame. Men *can* get called creep by women just looking to insult the guy because the girl is pissed. Both situations happen, so it’s incorrect to attack MRAS for pointing out that creep is a shaming tactic, which was all the link did; listed shaming tactics. “Creep” probably wasn’t the best example to pull from the page, the rest was mostly shit like “be a man” or “you’ll never get laid”. I actually thought lanky yanky may be someone trolling to look for evidence of how fucked up we treat men. You know, the typical anti-feminist shit. I wonder if everyone read the link posted?
As for “bitch”; sometimes, women are genuinely behaving badly, but yes, far too often “bitch” is used as a meaningless insult. Yes, thanks to patriarchy things are much, much, much, worse for women, and the tightrope is much, much, much, much, harder to walk. But the basis is the same when it’s misused as a slur to attack someone for performing their gender poorly. For women; for not tending to men’s needs. For men; being bad with the ladies and with social skills.
@brooked
“You should reconsider defending the term JAP considering the pervasive shitty stereotypes of Jewish women in our culture.”
I’m not so much defending it as stating the fact that it’s been reclaimed by some Jewish girls as a point of pride. But you know what, you’re absolutely right. He’s not a Jewish girl, so fuck him. He shouldn’t use it.
Who gets to make this judgment call? How can one know if a woman calls a man a creep, he wasn’t genuinely making her feeling uncomfortable or violating her boundaries? Given the tendency of men (and a disappointing number of women) to search high and low for an excuse to call a man’s behavior anything other than predatory, I’m not inclined to disbelieve a woman’s assertion that a man is being creepy to her only on the say so of the man or his friends. Just like with false rape accusations, this kind of thing does happen, but not frequently. Nowhere near frequently enough to try and make creep shaming a thing.
If a man’s behavior is deemed creepy by women, the first impulse should be for us to say the man should adjust his behavior. The first impulse should not be for us to call the woman a vengeful liar or tell her that he means well and she needs to start doubting her instincts and reevaluating her boundaries.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve gotten a creepy vibe from a guy, doubted myself because I wondered if I was jumping to conclusions and then been ultimately proven correct. I just think we should be more concerned with our sense of safety than with the feelings of men. If anyone wants to think that’s misandry, I don’t care.
The fuck? Are you saying it’s okay to call women bitches as long as they’re actually behaving badly?
And…you’re arguing that “creep” is a gendered slur against women? Or something?
And I see you haven’t bothered to address the point many people made that “creep” is a word we use for people who violate our boundaries, and that the idea of “creep-shaming” exists to keep women from defending those boundaries, as evinced by literally every MRA-type who complains about “creep-shaming” being an obvious predator who women should stay away from.
Is anyone else completely mystified by this bizarre conversation?
‘Creep’ is as much a gendered slur as compared to ‘bitch’ as ‘dick’ is to ‘c*nt’.
Why are we fucking arguing about whether the fuck creep is a gendered slur against men?
http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/leowtf.gif
I mean, ffs, we make fun of fucking PUAs and shit here and they’re the ones who are fucking creeping on people.
Not that creeps are an only guy thing, either. Sure, I’ve been creeped on more by men but I have had a woman creep on me. Creeps can be anyone and anyone can accidentally be a creep, but people who are constantly creepy do it for the same reason people catcall or harass others. And it’s gross.
WWTH — I’d gander to argue that the very first thing should be to tell her that’s it’s good that she’s trusting her instincts because oh fuck yes to react of what you said!
Katz — I was assuming it was just a failure at the first rule of holes (stop digging) but yeah, I’m just confused now. I *think* mrex was saying that creep is a slur against men by route of insulting their manhood = saying they’re girls = less than. But I’m unclear as to how someone can call a man a thing that implies he’s girly without it being a term already associated with women.
WWTH, Katz and Catalpa — here are three internets, share them wisely 🙂