Categories
Uncategorized

Zombifying Vagina Goo Part Two: All Your Questions Answered!

Copulins in full effect!
Copulins in full effect!

Yesterday, I introduced you to the mysterious vaginal goo that enables those with vaginas to transform nearby men (and possibly even some women) into helpless zombie vagina slaves. According to some totally legit scientific studies summarized on the blog WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION, the hormone-ish lady chemicals called “copulins” act a bit like the magical midi-chlorians from Star Wars, turning ordinary women into Jedi masters of the vagina.

Also, they smell like butter.

If you haven’t read my original post on the subject, go read it now. Trust me, ladies, you won’t regret it.

Since writing yesterday’s post, I have done some additional research on the subject. So let me answer some lingering questions you gals might have.

I have had sex with my boyfriend many times, but I have not yet seized complete control of his mind, and he frequently exhibits annoying amounts of free will. What am I doing wrong?

Are you moving around at all during sex? While most sex-havers exhibit a strong preference for movement during intercourse, the most effective way to transmit your copulins into his brain is if both of you remain motionless. As WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION notes,

Through the process of coupling a female and male will lay relatively still without having sex with the penis inside of the vagina. The process may take up to 15 minutes and works faster and more efficiently when the female is on top of the male.

You may wish to distract your fella with some sports talk radio so that he doesn’t notice that you’ve stopped having sex with him and instead are lying atop him stock still with a slightly maniacal look on your face.

During this period the vagina injects up to 1/2 cup (100 ml) of the copulin fluid into the urethral opening at the tip of the penis, which is chemically attracted to semen, and will follow the semen down the shaft directly into the testicles.

Yep. Not half a teaspoon, half a cup. Apparently, penises are a bit like the Tardis, a lot bigger on the inside than they appear on the outside.

After 15 minutes of coupling the copulins will have entered the blood stream and traveled from his testicles up into the hypothalamus (a section of the brain that controls hormones) causing the male to become completely influenced by the needs and suggestions of the female.

And there you go, ladies!

In your last post, you said that copulins can also be transmitted in the form of a butter-scented gas, in order to ensnare nearby males. Yet none of the men I stood next to today started spontaneously doing my bidding. What’s up with that?

Be patient! Proper copulin transmission can take up to 15 minutes! As this totally legit real science website explains:

When a woman breathes, the movement causes minute amounts of copulins to become airborne. If she is stationary for an extended period of time, the copulins will eventually exist in the air around her; however, it appears to take some time for copulins to escape clothing fabric and actually become airborne.

But if you wait long enough, all the males in your vicinity will ultimately surrender to your Jedi vagina juice. WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION elaborates on this point:

Fifteen minutes is all it takes for copulins to take over a majority of the hypothalamus gland. … If you are within 3 feet of an ovulating woman or group of them YOUR polypeptides are being replaced at a rate of 5% a minute with THEIR copulins.

What if I don’t want any dudes sticking their icky man penises inside me? Can I turn a dude into a vagina zombie just by having him perform oral sex on me?

Yes! Just be sure to slather your basement area with baby powder before he starts heading downstairs. According to our totally legit science expert,

the use of talc (baby powder) on the vagina may facilitate copulins to becoming airborne. The copulins attach to the powder particles and are inhaled by the male, or enter the bloodstream via the eyes (which would explain why it works faster).

Gosh, David, I would love to transform every man around me into my helpless vagina slave, but how can I be sure this will work?

You don’t have to take my word for it! Listen instead to the totally real females who wrote in to this totally legit science page about copulins with their testimonials

Female: My husband is very happy now, and very helpful. … our marriage has become even better.

Female: He does all the housework, everything, and he is so happy about it! Its a miracle! …

Female: I use “power” words like the lady commenting here. I find it works wonders at keeping my boyfriend happy even long after we are “together”. Because with a word I can make him feel pleasure or pain, he sees me like a magic power, and has a…lot of respect for me always.

Wow. Can my vagina goo really give me that much power over men?

Yes, and more! According to this totally legit copulin expert, women can even command men who’ve been under their vaginal control for some time to stop thinking about things they don’t want them to — even GOLF!

If the female stated that he won’t think about golf anymore, and will instead think of her, the male will find himself incapable of thinking of golf while the copulins are present.

In the final stage of “copulin dominance,” the man will stop thinking these terrible golf thoughts altogether, even if his vaginal commander isn’t there to remind him not to think about golf.

Past communication has already established that the female doesn’t want him to play golf, and so the copulins allow only those thoughts that promote non-golf activities to reach the conscious level. 

Ultimately, the vagina slave will turn into something resembling a zombie, sans rotting flesh and the overpowering urge to eat brains,

Females report that males at this stage, as copulins are transmitting, steadily become “dumber”, repeating themselves or the female’s words, slurring, or mixing words up. Late in the coupling, females state that the male will typically become incoherent and finally go silent.

Vagina zombification, complete!

Once a hypothalamus is flooded with copulins, the male brain is just sitting on idle, with only the bare minimum of thought process. In this state, the male is probably not thinking of anything at all, but any input from the female will become the male’s singular focus. 

And she doesn’t even have to be there!

The female can plant ideas during coupling (later stages of the session) and the male will act upon them at a later date, completely convinced they are his own ideas … .

Boy, I’m really glad I decided to write this post!

 

Subscribe
Notify of
guest

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

283 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Judas Peckerwood
Judas Peckerwood
5 years ago

Wow, science — amirite?

Anne
Anne
5 years ago

*Facepalm*

newbie
newbie
5 years ago

That site has to be ‘The Onion’ of the sphere… right? Not that it would set it apart much.

Dan Kasteray
Dan Kasteray
5 years ago

Am I being ableist by stating that this guy is dumber than pig shit?

storyending
5 years ago

And who said men don’t have any imagination?

zoon echon logon
zoon echon logon
5 years ago

It’s… odd how many MRAMGTOWPUABBQ assfacts are basically femdom porn fantasies–in this case, hypnosis/mind control fetish.

Dudes, seriously, if you’re into that stuff, just go with it already.

Chase
Chase
5 years ago

Inception via vagina!

Fetor Flank
5 years ago

Just when you start to think the whole “precious bodily fluids” thing can’t get any weirder or stupider…

TheRoseHipster
TheRoseHipster
5 years ago

I feel like this is even more of weird fetish fiction than usual from the MRAs.

Fruitloopsie
Fruitloopsie
5 years ago

I didn’t read any of that because I’m already grossed out for today. I’m not sure if guys like this have porn fantasies or they seriously try so hard to find more reasons to control feeemales. If it’s the second then they are not doing a good job because they’re just adding a reason to keep guys on leashes if they can’t control themselves.

Dan Kasteray
“Am I being ableist by stating that this guy is dumber than pig shit?”

“Dumb”, “stupid”, etc used to be ableist but not anymore because people changed the meanings/context.

Tara the Antisocial Social Worker
Tara the Antisocial Social Worker
5 years ago

Wasn’t there a Seinfeld episode where George had to stop having sex until an infection cleared up, and he suddenly became smart?

Now it all makes sense.

Ghost Robot
Ghost Robot
5 years ago

Having dealt with a father who was at times rabidly misogynistic (depending on how the women in his life were servicing his ego at the time), the “butter smell” stuff is especially offensive to me. He had a particularly gross fixation on female smells, and would frequently rave about them to me – as a teenager, I might add – when he was especially angry at my mum, or his mum, or “females” (said with bile raising in his throat every time). God, he had some horrendous issues about women. He constantly vented about them to me, and gave me massive hang-ups of my own for a time. I’m so glad he never had a daughter.

Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Banana Jackie Cake, for those who still want to call me "Banana", "Jackie" or whatever)
Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Banana Jackie Cake, for those who still want to call me "Banana", "Jackie" or whatever)
5 years ago
Bina
Bina
5 years ago

Funny how all the testimonials are simply named “Female”. Sounds legit!

I feel like a bit of brain bleach already. You too?

Dodom
Dodom
5 years ago

Now that I think about it… the hypothalamus controls a bunch of vital functions, like thermoregulation, thirst, breathing rate, etc.
What if someone becomes distracted while controlling a man’s hypothalamus? They might kill him!
Ladies, we have an immense responsability on our hands!

GiJoel
GiJoel
5 years ago

Men beware of the Bene Gesserit threat. The melange witches walk among us. They may be your wife, girlfriend, or even your mother. Resist their insatiable urge to dominate all men. Report all suspected Bene Gesserit to the Emperor’s Freeman forces. Only you can stop the Bene Gesserit threat.

Science&KPop
5 years ago

I actually recognize a lot of these molecules….

Like, one is benzoic acid, another is undecane…. Notice how none of them have pharmacological applications, let alone magic zombie mind control. These are just diagrams of mostly innocuous molecules.

Viscaria
Viscaria
5 years ago

Ultimately, the vagina slave will turn into something resembling a zombie, sans rotting flesh and the overpowering urge to eat brains,

Actually, I specifically implant the desire to eat brains in all of my vagina zombies, using judiciously applied power words.

msexceptiontotherule
msexceptiontotherule
5 years ago

…I hope that’s not suggesting that feeeeeeeemales are supposed to be concerned about our mind-controlling vagina goo possibly killing males. I mean, if they die from our vagina-goo-mind-controlling-chemical influence then obviously they were inferior specimens!

But in any case, I’m shocked to learn that total compliance from the man in my life is all because he’s been zombified to my vagina powers via the mind-controlling goo being injected into his penis by the half cup full! And here I’d thought it was a TPE situation to which he consented!

Frank Torpedo
Frank Torpedo
5 years ago

“I mean, if they die from our vagina-goo-mind-controlling-chemical influence then obviously they were inferior specimens!”

And that ought to be a good enough reason for the STEMLord Alfafa Males, who place so much emphasis on their ‘scientific evidence’ regarding the inferiority of all things not male and white.

The people who babble about ‘the extinction of the white race’ ought to be happy that Darwin is doing his job, although, honestly, they should be more worried about the extinction of the human race, because they’re well on their way to destroying us all with their hatred and their rage.

The Doomsday clock is rather close to midnight, these days.

littletaeo
littletaeo
5 years ago

I was interested in what other stuff was in his testimonials, thought it would be good for a laugh but then….

Female: I don’t want my husband to know what I’m trying. How do I get him to sit still long enough for it to work? I’m sure he’ll like if he’d just try it first.
Answer: I always suggest the truth. If he doesn’t want to do it, you shouldn’t make him. Of course, men do have to sleep…but you didn’t hear me say that.

Nope nope nope, all the nope. Time to go barf.

What a fuggin’ creep.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
5 years ago

Half a cup… so, story for context, cuz yes, it smells like butter — my mother got one of those make popcorn on the stove machine things, and decided we needed popcorn for Who, I got told to nuke half a stick of butter. I can confirm that an entire stick of buttery smelling liquid is under a half cup. And that tonight’s Who was well worth the slow start.

Fruitloopsie
Fruitloopsie
5 years ago

Ghost Robot
Hugs if you need any

baroncognito
5 years ago

A stick of butter should be exactly half a cup.

Frank Torpedo
Frank Torpedo
5 years ago

Buttergate!

Ethics in butter journalism!

Butter In Action!

Frank Torpedo
Frank Torpedo
5 years ago

The “totally real female” testimonials sound like the script for some kinda sci-fi horrorshow.

FEMO-BRUTALIZER 9001: SURRENDER YOUR PENIS TO ME, HYOO-MAN MAN. I REQUIRE SUSTENANCE FOR MY SEXOGENOCIDER WOMB-REPLICANT HYBRID RECONSOLIZATION DEVICE. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOUR PITIFUL MORTAL FLESH IS HELPLESS TO RESIST OUR WILL.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
5 years ago

I was guesstimating from a half stick, fail 🙁

DoubleAsaurus
DoubleAsaurus
5 years ago

1/2 a cup is actually 125 ml

I realize this is the least of what is wrong about this, but the fact that he messes up an absolutely, irrefutable (if irrelevant) fact really bothers me.

promisedlandpastor
5 years ago

What Frank Torpedo said except change “mortal flesh” to “virgin flesh” from that creepy as heck Twitter stalker message Dave reported on a while back and there you go.

Crip Dyke
Crip Dyke
5 years ago

I am so glad the internet exists. There’s no way you could get fiction this entertaining.

baroncognito
5 years ago

Do you mean “There’s no way you could get intentional fiction this entertaining.”?

baroncognito
5 years ago

Actually, that is a question. What genre of writing do you consider something that’s intended to be factual but is horribly wrong?

Penny Psmith
Penny Psmith
5 years ago

DoubleAsaurus – That depends. US cups are 240-250ml, but European cups can be 200ml (that’s the size in Israel, too, can be a bit tricky with recipes sometimes).

(Yeah, I haven’t posted here in ages, and when I finally do, it’s nitpicking. :-/ Sorry…)

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
5 years ago

baroncognito — try either religious texts or self help.

Rabid Rabbit
Rabid Rabbit
5 years ago

And be careful, a tablespoon is something different in the UK from what it is in America, and neither is the same as the Australian version.

baroncognito
5 years ago

Good point Argenti Aertheri.

baroncognito
5 years ago

My chuckle disappeared.

rugbyyogi
5 years ago

Dear David:

Thank you for your science guide. However, this only RAISES MORE QUESTIONS:

The cup volumes being different, does this mean that I’m producing less copulin since I moved to the UK from the US? That could explain how my vagina-mind control powers waned. Or do UK men require lower amounts of copulin for mind control.

What do I do if there’s someone I don’t want to control, because I can’t stand the sight of them. Can I control them just enough to make them go away? Will they come back when the copulin wears off?

Indeed, how long does it take for copulin to wear off?

Kind regards,

Rugbyyogi

Moggie
Moggie
5 years ago

Dodom:

Now that I think about it… the hypothalamus controls a bunch of vital functions, like thermoregulation, thirst, breathing rate, etc.
What if someone becomes distracted while controlling a man’s hypothalamus? They might kill him!
Ladies, we have an immense responsability on our hands!

http://25.media.tumblr.com/0bd43d7f33ce0301eb4cc19c4f4a9b3b/tumblr_msmzbqATHR1s714dzo1_500.gif

dhag85
5 years ago

That “coupling” process honestly sounds amazing. I’m a pretty lazy person so this is right up my alley. Seriously, I get to spend 15 minutes with a woman on top of me, and I don’t have to move. AND afterwards I never have to make another decision again. Woo hoo.

baroncognito
5 years ago

In Alpha house, it gets called “Soaking.”

LankyYankee
LankyYankee
5 years ago

For a laugh, and because I figured there’s no way this guy is for real, I had a little lookie loo through the blog. I found this: https://constantsupervision.wordpress.com/2015/08/05/mens-guide-55-female-shaming-tactics/

This is the best thing ever! It’s literally a list of excuses for this guy, and those like him, to never have to examine their beliefs or self, ever. Because it’s ALL SOMEONE ELSE’S FAULT. Y’know, cause he’s not a dude who hates women! He just assumes women are really like children, or maybe like stupid dogs, and will wander into traffic or accidentally enslave a bunch of hapless menfolk if left unsupervised.

greyskye
greyskye
5 years ago

I can’t believe you didn’t highlight that Copulins can be bought over the counter and online as 100% concentrated perfume spray. It does the same thing as that frankly time wasting coupling. All the same mind control we love, none of the boring physical effort! I am buying stock now.

Tizio
Tizio
5 years ago

Dang it, I wanted to point out that this “scientific article” looks like hypnosis/mind control erotical fanfic, but zoon echon logon ninjaed me.

But anyway, usual questions: (1) If women have this mind-controlling powers, how come that the vast, vast majority of positions of power (economical, political, religious, mediatic etc.) are held by men?
And (2): Will I receive an answer to question 1 from these misogynists, or will I have to wait for the heat death of the universe yet again?

bluecatbabe
bluecatbabe
5 years ago

“During this period the vagina injects up to 1/2 cup (100 ml) of the copulin fluid into the urethral opening at the tip of the penis, which is chemically attracted to semen,..”

The tip of the penis is chemically attracted to semen.

Who knew? I

(Yes, I know it’s a nitpick compared to the 90 gazillion other things which are deeply deeply wrong with this, but I’m an English teacher).

ej
ej
5 years ago

If you are within 3 feet of an ovulating woman or group of them YOUR polypeptides are being replaced at a rate of 5% a minute with THEIR copulins.

Looks like someone is using big words without knowing what they mean. The body would be completely unable to function if polypeptides were replaced. This is not how biology works!!!!!

I also find it amusing that it takes 15 minutes for the copulins to take effect whether they are received through sex or through proximity. So, half a cup introduced directly into the penis creates the same effect as standing in the invisible cloud of copulins? Seems legit.

Just think about it. How many cups of liquid must be floating around a woman for a man to be exposed to (at least) half a cup just by standing near her for 15 minutes?

spacelawn
5 years ago

This sounds like some joke article from The Onion, but apparently some people belive these “copulin” thing is real.

What a world we live in.

msexceptiontotherule
msexceptiontotherule
5 years ago

@FrankTorpedo

I apologize for not having the stamina required to cull the inferior quality males all that quickly. Maybe I’ll invest in the spray @Greyskye mentioned to get it done faster. I’d ask the man-house-servant to help but I’ve got him extra busy doing other….things. You know how it is, only have one vagina and there’s finite time to enslave men with the chemical-mind-controlling goo that it secretes when having to do it the “old fashioned way”.

msexceptiontotherule
msexceptiontotherule
5 years ago

@Ej

It would probably go much faster if we feeeeeemales just went around without panties on, wore skirts, and stood with our feet shoulders width apart wherever men we wished to control happen to be.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
5 years ago

Q: If female scientists were to synthesise artificial copulin in the laboratory and then introduce it into the water supply, which individual woman would each man end up being enslaved by? What about gay men? What about gay women, or indeed straight women?

A: Trick question. There’s no such thing as a female scientist.

1 2 3 6