Yesterday, I introduced you to the mysterious vaginal goo that enables those with vaginas to transform nearby men (and possibly even some women) into helpless zombie vagina slaves. According to some totally legit scientific studies summarized on the blog WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION, the hormone-ish lady chemicals called “copulins” act a bit like the magical midi-chlorians from Star Wars, turning ordinary women into Jedi masters of the vagina.
Also, they smell like butter.
If you haven’t read my original post on the subject, go read it now. Trust me, ladies, you won’t regret it.
Since writing yesterday’s post, I have done some additional research on the subject. So let me answer some lingering questions you gals might have.
I have had sex with my boyfriend many times, but I have not yet seized complete control of his mind, and he frequently exhibits annoying amounts of free will. What am I doing wrong?
Are you moving around at all during sex? While most sex-havers exhibit a strong preference for movement during intercourse, the most effective way to transmit your copulins into his brain is if both of you remain motionless. As WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION notes,
Through the process of coupling a female and male will lay relatively still without having sex with the penis inside of the vagina. The process may take up to 15 minutes and works faster and more efficiently when the female is on top of the male.
You may wish to distract your fella with some sports talk radio so that he doesn’t notice that you’ve stopped having sex with him and instead are lying atop him stock still with a slightly maniacal look on your face.
During this period the vagina injects up to 1/2 cup (100 ml) of the copulin fluid into the urethral opening at the tip of the penis, which is chemically attracted to semen, and will follow the semen down the shaft directly into the testicles.
Yep. Not half a teaspoon, half a cup. Apparently, penises are a bit like the Tardis, a lot bigger on the inside than they appear on the outside.
After 15 minutes of coupling the copulins will have entered the blood stream and traveled from his testicles up into the hypothalamus (a section of the brain that controls hormones) causing the male to become completely influenced by the needs and suggestions of the female.
And there you go, ladies!
In your last post, you said that copulins can also be transmitted in the form of a butter-scented gas, in order to ensnare nearby males. Yet none of the men I stood next to today started spontaneously doing my bidding. What’s up with that?
Be patient! Proper copulin transmission can take up to 15 minutes! As this totally legit real science website explains:
When a woman breathes, the movement causes minute amounts of copulins to become airborne. If she is stationary for an extended period of time, the copulins will eventually exist in the air around her; however, it appears to take some time for copulins to escape clothing fabric and actually become airborne.
But if you wait long enough, all the males in your vicinity will ultimately surrender to your Jedi vagina juice. WOMEN NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION elaborates on this point:
Fifteen minutes is all it takes for copulins to take over a majority of the hypothalamus gland. … If you are within 3 feet of an ovulating woman or group of them YOUR polypeptides are being replaced at a rate of 5% a minute with THEIR copulins.
What if I don’t want any dudes sticking their icky man penises inside me? Can I turn a dude into a vagina zombie just by having him perform oral sex on me?
Yes! Just be sure to slather your basement area with baby powder before he starts heading downstairs. According to our totally legit science expert,
the use of talc (baby powder) on the vagina may facilitate copulins to becoming airborne. The copulins attach to the powder particles and are inhaled by the male, or enter the bloodstream via the eyes (which would explain why it works faster).
Gosh, David, I would love to transform every man around me into my helpless vagina slave, but how can I be sure this will work?
You don’t have to take my word for it! Listen instead to the totally real females who wrote in to this totally legit science page about copulins with their testimonials
Female: My husband is very happy now, and very helpful. … our marriage has become even better.
Female: He does all the housework, everything, and he is so happy about it! Its a miracle! …
Female: I use “power” words like the lady commenting here. I find it works wonders at keeping my boyfriend happy even long after we are “together”. Because with a word I can make him feel pleasure or pain, he sees me like a magic power, and has a…lot of respect for me always.
Wow. Can my vagina goo really give me that much power over men?
Yes, and more! According to this totally legit copulin expert, women can even command men who’ve been under their vaginal control for some time to stop thinking about things they don’t want them to — even GOLF!
If the female stated that he won’t think about golf anymore, and will instead think of her, the male will find himself incapable of thinking of golf while the copulins are present.
In the final stage of “copulin dominance,” the man will stop thinking these terrible golf thoughts altogether, even if his vaginal commander isn’t there to remind him not to think about golf.
Past communication has already established that the female doesn’t want him to play golf, and so the copulins allow only those thoughts that promote non-golf activities to reach the conscious level.
Ultimately, the vagina slave will turn into something resembling a zombie, sans rotting flesh and the overpowering urge to eat brains,
Females report that males at this stage, as copulins are transmitting, steadily become “dumber”, repeating themselves or the female’s words, slurring, or mixing words up. Late in the coupling, females state that the male will typically become incoherent and finally go silent.
Vagina zombification, complete!
Once a hypothalamus is flooded with copulins, the male brain is just sitting on idle, with only the bare minimum of thought process. In this state, the male is probably not thinking of anything at all, but any input from the female will become the male’s singular focus.
And she doesn’t even have to be there!
The female can plant ideas during coupling (later stages of the session) and the male will act upon them at a later date, completely convinced they are his own ideas … .
Boy, I’m really glad I decided to write this post!