It’s probably about time for another open thread for personal stuff. As is always the case with these open threads, NO MRAs, no trolls, none of that shit.
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Open Thread for personal stuff: November 2015 Mysterious Standing Cat Edition
Weirwood,
Well shit, losing a fiancee sounds awful, and inheriting a dog quite a complication. I hope he finds it more comforting than painful.
Dhag,
Did you see a doctor today?
Moocow,
Thank you so much for the advice. There’s a lot to think over. I know that a big part of my problem has just been circumstantial. Since 2012 I’ve moved house at least once a year, generally alternating between a stint with my parents in suburban Virginia and couchsurfing or “renting” for pennies in various parts of Chicagoland. A lot of the basic ideas like hosting just haven’t been possible in the past, but I hope they will in the near future. I’ll definitely try them; I just hope that I can work out how to make the best of them.
This isn’t really the hard part for me. I love socializing, I enjoy hearing people’s stories (and love telling mine, to a fault). I have basically zero anxiety about approaching strangers. It’s after the meeting people and making the first impression that I get stuck. I’ll be on friendly terms with lots of acquaintances, who’ll talk to me if we happen to be at the same events, but I don’t know how to convert them into the kind of friends who will ask how I’m doing if I don’t see them in a while, or make time to visit me if one of us drops the club or mutual friend we met through, or whom I can talk to about hard stuff like this.
I’m also not 100% sure what to make of this part:
I love meeting & chatting with strangers in classes/workplace/bars/parties but it’s actually hard for me to think of activities I enjoy doing with strangers. My favorite things are really only fun with friends, which is why I want to make friends in the first place. For instance, I used to go to a lot of local eurogame events, but I found that few people play at a skill level I find interesting, and few people know my favorite games, so I end up teaching the rules every single time. RPGs are a passion, but even more fraught. I feel like I have my wires crossed and D&D occupies the part of my brain where sex is supposed to go. I have sex with strangers all the time, but role-playing is way too intimate for me to consider it. In fact, I pretty much only role-play if I can be the dominant in a long-term committed relationship. (That is, as the GM of a campaign where I have confidence that we can play out 4+ sessions to justify the energy I pour into the setting and scenario, with players willing to put token effort into learning the system) I’ve hovered on the edge of the BDSM scene but I’m not really interest in play outside a romantic relationship.
I guess my best bet, should my health and finances allow, would be to get back into martial arts and performance dance, which doesn’t technically require interaction but I do at least enjoy doing alone.
It’s not my point, it’s a quote from Gone Girl, so I don’t know.
Ah, I missed that, sorry.
I should read that book. I found the film well-made but so very problematic that it impacted my enjoyment of it.
I haven’t read it or seen the movie, but I saw the passage somewhere and it resonated with me. I probably should read it. Even though it’s been spoiled long ago.
@Orion
Aww that’s sweet. Checking up on me. 🙂
I did not go today or yesterday because I’ve actually been a very good boy and handed in my research proposal before the deadline for once. But I’ll definitely try to get it done before this week is over. I’m also getting a free flu shot because I’m in a risk zone. :p
@Orion
No doubt, a turbulent life or recent moving makes it difficult to get a consistent group. If you have no problem meeting people at bars, then from what it sounds like (and I’m sorry, seems I was off the mark prior) is that you’re more stuck at the ‘turning acquaintances into actual friends’ part.
For that, I’d say just focus on communicating your interests. Now, you don’t necessarily need to seek out D&D partners (especially if that’s such an intimate activity for you), however don’t be afraid to bring it up as an interest of yours, you never know where those connections will lead.
The rest is pretty much blind luck. All you can do is just put yourself out there (which you are doing) and just read people for signs of interest. I specifically gave recommendations for activities (they can really be anything, even just walking around a city) is because it gives you something to focus on and then making friends becomes a happy side effect. The activities you mentioned, martial arts and dance, are definitely good things to focus on. I’m not particularly familiar with either, but there are definitely ways to pursue those activities with others. Don’t be afraid to seek those out.
Best of luck! Hope you find some good people.
@Orion
I recognize at least parts of what you’re talking about. When it comes to interests/hobbies, I also tend to geek out and get very deep into the things I enjoy. As a result I usually end up acquiring some level of snobbishness in relation to that specific hobby.
For example, I’ve been deeply interested in Jamaican music for almost 20 years now, whereas I have very little interest in any other genre of music other than related Caribbean genres and hip hop. This makes it impossible for me to bond with people over music, because there will usually be no overlap between our tastes and knowledge. I won’t know what they’re talking about and they won’t know what I’m talking about.
When I do meet someone who says they enjoy Jamaican music, or even hip hop, it usually only makes me frustrated. I’ve noticed that 99% of people who say they like reggae really mean they like 2 Bob Marley songs. And something like 90% of people who say they like hip hop really mean they like either Tupac, Eminem, or whoever happens to be the current mainstream approved rapper (at this time it’s Kendrick Lamar). This has made it so that I simply prefer keeping my music to myself instead of trying to find likeminded people.
The same goes for most of the other things that interest me in life. I’m extremely interested in soccer, for example, but I’ve almost never met another soccer fan who didn’t piss me off within 2 seconds.
“I’ve noticed that 99% of people who say they like reggae really mean they like 2 Bob Marley songs.”
This
Dhag, I’ll admit to saying I “like” certain types of music as an alternative to the slightly more honest “Well, I don’t listen to that sort of music often, but I’ve yet to hear anything super objectionable while listening to it, so I guess I don’t dislike it?”
Reggae and hip hop both fit in that bucket of ‘like’ as opposed to ‘like as in actually like’ bucket (which happens to include big band classics and random acapella covers)
I think a lot of people might not fess up to not knowing or appreciating types of music because we kind of recognize how personal music can be. Like, if I tell a country loving friend that I hate country, they might see that as code for “I don’t appreciate you or respect your choices”, as opposed to the more honest “my ears can’t take this and the words are too sad for my brain to brain.”
@contrapangloss
Yeah, I get what you’re saying. I’m only trying to express my natural reaction to people trying to bond with me by pretending to share my interests. Usually it’s possible to tell the difference between someone saying they “like” something as opposed to dislike it, and people who love the idea of “liking” something despite not actually liking it all that much.
@dhag85
That’s a good point. I do remember as I was socializing using activities that I liked being like “wow, this person likes all the same things I like yet I can’t fucking stand them, whatamidoingwrongnow!?”
Fortunately, each social activity attracts a wide range of people. At the end of the day it’s all about creating situations where you happen to socialize with different people, hopefully with 1%-10% of those encounters flourishing into an awesome friendship.
I stress the importance of sharing activities, but I do acknowledge that ‘shared interests or activities’ is almost the least important aspect of friendship, and over time it doesn’t even need to be a part of your friendship in any way. It’s still something i’d recommend at the beginning simply because it gives you an excuse to hang out with people you’re befriending.
If you like pool, and the other person likes pool. “Hey, would you like to hang out sometime!” can be a little too forward, but “hey, wanna go shoot some hoops at the pool place?” is a lot easier, both on the inviter and the invitee. (note: My lack of proper terminology is deliberate, I know nothing of pool :P)
I should note, this advice is more geared towards friendships between men, as men are socialized to think that “men don’t hang out just to spend time with each other”. Thus, having a ‘pretense’ to hang out can help put people at ease (for my friend and I, “hey let’s play cards” soon became obvious as a code for “hey, I was hoping you could come over because I need someone to talk to about X”)
So, I haven’t really been around in a while. Mostly because I’ve been distracted by this:
https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/get-betrayed-with-the-wizard-of-woah-a-house-of-night-review.358248/
Hello again!
Hey all,
So if any of you all are they praying sort, I have a friend who is the praying sort who would appreciate prayers headed her way.
She’s having a super rough pregnancy and just got admitted to the hospital until next Tuesday to try and fix. The baby’s not due til April, and I’m trying to help her sort out kid care for her pre-existing kids and dog care for the days/nights her husband is on shift.
So if you are the praying sort, prayers for the potential kiddo that she’s really, really hoping she’ll be able to keep and for her to get better.
If you aren’t the praying sort, that’s also cool and I still think you’re wonderful people.
I’m not the praying sort, but please have a kitty priest giving her blessing to a dolphin. Hope it helps.
Best of luck to your friend and her baby, I’m sorry they are going through that 🙁
Not the praying kind but I wish your friend all the best and I hope everything goes well.
“There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain.”
Well I want Cool Guy then. I mean, what’s not to like about a man who likes everything thing I like and never complains? Would love to meet him. And would love for him to be hot too. I mean, why not?
Also not the praying sort, but sending warm thoughts. And noting that I just bought a onesie set for my friend’s niece, newborn size at 4 months cuz she came 3 months early — every week that baby stays in her womb the better its chances, so idk, maybe remind her of that?
Wishing her at least a couple more months of pregnancy!
In other things, a friendly stray will go somewhere, maybe not her new litter box, but somewhere, before her “holding it” becomes an issue right?
Our stray is comfortably indoors, but doesn’t seem to have peed and has been inside (and napping in laps) since dinner time. I’m beginning to worry a bit (I have fuck all experience with mammals). I don’t want to clean piss off the floor, obviously, but if she doesn’t like the box I’d rather she pick a corner than hold it!
Swap the litter for dirt? Adjust Darwin’s harness to fit her and take her out in the morning? Calm myself since odds are she did go in a corner? (It’s a large messy basement, missing a small puddle would not be that hard)
I’m reasonably sure she’s healthy (vet appt discussion is happening in the AM, it’s on the to do list) and just either stubborn or confused. I’d question the fear option but she’s been caught napping, even in laps, so she’s clearly not scared witless.
@contrapangloss
Prayers for the well-being of your friend and her family, including nonhuman members of course, headed their way.
All the best to them.
Contrapangloss: I will pray for your friend.
Argenti: I’ve never heard of a cat having a problem with “holding it.” They usually aren’t shy about declaring some other spot the bathroom if they don’t like the litter box. I’d probably assume she found a spot somewhere you didn’t see it. Some other tips you can try for litter box avoidance:
-Different location. Is it in a possibly loud/scary place, like by the dryer? Put it somewhere quiet with privacy (but also make sure she can easily find it).
-Different size/style of litter box. Some cats like covered, most uncovered. I have a smaller size I use with kittens, but the big cats won’t touch them.
-Different kind of litter. If you’re using scented, try unscented. That’s often the culprit. There’s also cat-attracting litter. I’ve never tried it but some people say it works really well.
Glad she’s been sitting on laps. That’s a good sign!
@Argenti Aertheri
@
Yay, she’s indoors! (I’ve been worried about her.)
I’m no expert on this. What I do know is that when we got our girl cat, she was traumatized because she was leaving her old home and traveling far away in a car. (She was my late mother’s cat.) She wouldn’t eat, poop, or piddle. After a day or so, we stopped in a random city and took her to a vet, who prescribed an antihistamine whose off-label use was to increase appetite.
It was really pretty funny because we put food in front of her once more. She refused it. We gave her the pill and once again put her in front of the food. She refused it — oh, and then she didn’t. It took about 60 seconds for that pill to kick in. Then she ate. Later on, right when we were about to fall asleep in the car for a nap, she meowed. I put her in the litter box and was so thrilled when she piddled! Poop came a little later.
I don’t know if vets still use this antihistamine for this purpose. But if she’s not eating, you might want to ask about it. Oh, and cats need WATER available to them at all times. They probably won’t drink much, but it doesn’t matter. They need the option always.
If you don’t get proof that she’s peed by morning, I’d take her to a vet. Perhaps the ASPCA offers better rates?
You could check out the ASPCA website and see if they have piddle advice.
I’m so glad that she’s indoors now. All best wishes!
I’m not the praying sort, but my best wishes to your friend, Contrapangloss; my best wishes also to her potential mini-human and to her existing mini-humans. I hope this becomes a story that they can sit back and laugh about when they’re all grown up.
She’s eating fine, but my brother just said he tried introducing the cats (WHYYYYY she’s only been inside a day!) and indoor kitty was all hisses… fuuuuuck. Nobody’s checked the litter box yet, but I literally woke up, rolled over and checked this, so I will very shortly. I really wish he hadn’t done that, you don’t introduce a new kitty to the resident kitty by just letting her wander into the resident’s sight >.<
Thanks for the tips guys, I'm off to see wtf is up with the cats.
No signs of litter box use but once her hissing highness was calmed down she was all over me (as is her usual). Indoor kitty is now watching bro play video games, but he is insistent this is never gonna work cuz indoor kitty will attack the window if a cat walks past, no amount of explaining things like conditioning, territorial threats, and not rushing things is changing his mind. I hadn’t planned to introduce them At All for at least a few days, and even then, you start with each of them getting food and all the love near the same door! Not opening the door and letting one wander into the other’s space! Their reaction to each other’s scents is “let me remark that”, gorgeous, brilliant, wonderful, I can work with that!
Fuck, I may not have much experience with mammalian pets, but I was a psych major, I’ve got conditioning down cold.
A guess on the litter situation? I forgot that a patch of the basement floor is totally uncovered, she could go straight into actual soil and we’d never know the difference. That or big basement, small cat.
But yeah, the cat situation is fine, the sibling situation is pissy, I cannot fucking believe he did that… if nothing fucking else, indoor kitty hasn’t got shots for things she’d not get without exposure to the outdoors, outdoor kitty may have no shots at all. You can’t fucking introduce them pre-vet visit! Quarantine your
fishcats!Indoor kitty was guarding the basement door, until I accidentally caught her eye and then I got scratched and she ran upstairs. But hey, she wasn’t flat out attacking anything until I accidentally threatened her. Otoh, Cali (our newcomer) has decided the stairs are bad — it’s kinda a perk, since it means she’s stopped following us out (which it seems is how they met Too Soon), but I did coax her up (with Tilly, our resident) asleep upstairs, gave treats and love, and then walked with her back to the blanket she’s laid claims on, gave more love, got scratched via kneading…
So yeah, except for that little incident earlier which was an accident it seems, I think things are going about as well could be expected (both cats are the skittish sort, I have no expectations this will be quick)
A-fucking-mazingly, the dog either hasn’t noticed or doesn’t care, and he was my real concern — he doesn’t bite, and isn’t aggressive really, but he’s oh so painfully dumb. I mean, will throw a brick in the air and then bark at it when it lands in front of him. And if you lose a basketball or soccer ball in our yard, don’t bother, it’s already been punctured.
I still have fuck all idea how Cali will behave around my tanks, but it shouldn’t be a problem really. Only one is cat accessible (closed doors are wonderful) but Tilly is kept off it via an irrational fear of a lobster hat!