Open Thread for personal stuff: November 2015 Mysterious Standing Cat Edition

Dhag,

do you currently have

(a) a primary care physician
(b) a psychiatrist
(c) a talk therapist?

If you do, they can be your first resources on this. If you don’t, then the first step is to change that.

If you have a PCP, start by making an appointment with them. If you don’t, start by making an appointment with one. I recommend writing down a statement before you go and either reading or handing it to them.

I have found that most people are not good at talking to doctors. It is, unfortunately, a skill set that has to be developed. As a cis man, I have an easier time making myself heard than most, but it can still be a struggle. In my dream world, a doctor whose patient mumbled one stray sentence about pain or confusion would pull that thread and chase that shit down, because a patient who speaks one complain aloud has 2 more they were embarassed to say, 1 they meant to but forgot, and 3 more that they thought were normal. Doctors aren’t like that. They’ll take any excuse to decide something’s “not a big deal” and get you out of their office. The compassionate ones say “it’s nothing to worry about,” which can be just as bad.

A lot of my close friends have needed coaching to get the most out of their doctors, and if you feel like you need help, I’m sure the people here can help you decide exactly what to say.

I’m sorry if anyone minds me spamming and semi-necro-ing this thread. Honestly, I’ve been having a hard time lately (well, more than lately) and I was waiting for the next personal thread to try to get some advice But the thread came around and I got nervous because honestly I feel like I need so much help I don’t know where to start, and I didn’t want to fill the screen with my insecurities, so I put off figuring out what to say and then the thread was over.

So let me start here: I don’t have friends. I’ve never been good at making friends (though not for the common reasons). When my ex and I split up in 2012, she accused me of emotional abuse, and I was instantly frozen out of my college friend group, and until last year I was too disabled by narcolepsy to make new ones. What I do have are friendly acquaintances, and I have no idea how to work out who is available as a real friend or how to upgrade them. All my questions are basically related to this, but let me start here: using Facebook is stressing me out, because I can’t tell when if ever Facebook interactions mean anything in real life.

For instance, a former classmate and a former co-worker (both female) are best friends with each other and live in my city. I had a lot of cordial but not intimate interactions with them in our past, plus a few awkward ones (one is Black, and I’ve said a few dumb things to her; the other is friends with some people who hate me). I post on their Facebook feeds frequently, and they engage with me in a lot of interesting conversations. Neither of them has ever invited me to go out/ / hang out with them, except one when one of them invited her entire friends list to a party. I don’t know whether I should ask them to start inviting me to things or if they’re just humoring me.

Also: when I say my college friends froze me out in 2012, I mean that they suddenly stopped taking call or responding to messages. It took me a few weeks to figure out what was going on. I messaged some of them to ask if they were deliberately ignoring me, and they didn’t reply to those messages. For some reason, none of them unfriended me on Facebook. Finally, I unfriended everyone I went to school with and sent new friend requests to everyone, along with a message asking them not to accept if they didn’t want to talk to me. Almost all of them accepted the friend requests, but kept ignoring my messages. Lately, some of them have started “liking” things I post or replying to comments I make on theirs, but they still won’t respond to direct messages. It freaks me out and makes me nervous about contacting ANY classmate because I don’t know who my ex talked to, or who shunned me vs. who drifted away.

Most new people I meet seem to be huge flakes. We’ll Facebook friend when we first meet, and I may try to set up a visit, but it generally falls through. We’ll talk on Facebook, and it’s fun, but I feel like I don’t even want to talk to anyone any more who isn’t prepared to be an actual friend who makes time for me. It got the point where when another classmate messaged to ask me what I was up to lately, I outright asked her why she was messaging me, which I know is off-putting and weird. In this case she admitted she was drunk and trying to distract herself from booty-calling an ex, so I guess it’s a good thing that I asked.

I don’t know. I realize this is a mess of ten different issues but I’m wondering if anyone knows a way to use Facebook to find out who actually wants to be in my life or at least take the edge of the stress off.

Orion and Kat – thanks for your suggestions. I will try those.

@Orion

As to your dilemma, I’m sorry to say I have the same problem (although I don’t suffer from it as much as you seem to). My friends all vanished once I got married and I am not quite sure how to make new friends as an adult. Are you picky with friends? I’m asking because I’m extremely picky and have a hard time getting along with people in general, so I think in my case I’ve turned down possible friendships because I wasn’t getting anything out of it.

@Orion

Hugs, if you’d like, because I know how that feels. I had a similar situation facing me right out of college (bad relationship followed by getting ostracized by everyone in the ‘friend group’). Having to make friends after fallout from a relationship is really tough, and if you’d like, I have some advice. These were realizations that I had while getting over my situation and I think they might be applicable to you:

1. If you’re messaging people consistently and not getting a response, that’s a 99% chance you’re getting a soft rejection. All you can do is move on.

It’s unfortunate but a lot of people don’t have time to explain why they’re not interested in being friends with someone. Sometimes it’s because they are just terrified of having a difficult confrontation. Sometimes it’s because they may not see you, personally, as enough of a friend to warrant a discussion. Sometimes it’s because their life is just too turbulent. Don’t necessarily take their rejection of your friendship personally, the best thing to do is to move on.

It sucks, but whatever you do, don’t bug them about it or ask them why they are ignoring you. In my situation I tried to call them out, even making a group FB message or saying things like “funny how I asked if something was going on tonight and got no reply yet when my friend who’s standing right next to me asks suddenly you’re all hanging out at X place?”

In the end, I never got the explanation I thought I deserved (and you won’t either), and it certainly didn’t help me rekindle any friendships (and it probably won’t help you either).

Sadly, the only thing you really can do is move on and find other people. It sucks but unfortunately investing any more time or energy in these people who are ignoring you is just going to make you feel miserable.

2. Recognize that you deserve better friends than people who do that shit to you. And how to find those people.

Trust me when I say that there are people out there who will become friends with you. And those people will not ignore you when shit hits the fans because they will genuinely care about you.

You don’t need to be socially gifted in order to find these people. All you have to do is randomly run into them. There is no guide to how this works (same reason why PUA is bullshit), maybe you’ll really click with this one co-worker, maybe your friend will introduce you to this one friend and you totally hit it off. All you can do is just try to meet new people.

It’s hard to give advice for this part because this depends entirely on you and your preferences (for me, I found a local game store where I could play MTG and the kink scene where I could find like-minded sex nerds). In general, though, trying to meet people for the sake of meeting people is extremely difficult and feels very forced, especially if you don’t enjoy socializing. What worked best for me, and what I’d advice is to find an activity that:

-you genuinely enjoy
-that requires social interaction of some sort
-with people in your local area

The first two stipulations may seem self-explanatory, but the reason why i stress the third (unless you REALLY don’t like the area you live in) is because proximity and logistics do play a role in friendships. It’s a LOT easier to make friends with people 5-15 minutes away from you than 1-2 hours away.

Furthermore, as you meet people, those people will introduce you to other people. One of my closest friends, I actually met through a mutual friend. The mutual friend doesn’t hang out with either of us anymore, but we’re both thankful he introduced us. That’s the other thing, sometimes you’ll meet people and you won’t click, or you’ll only connect so far. Always remember that such things are to a good sign even if it may not always feel like it.

3. You are not alone

The experience I went through happened pretty much around the same time as you did, right after I graduated from college. We must be around the same age, because 2012 is when it happened to me as well. My heart goes out to you. As it turns out, the transition between college and real life is a tough one, and on top of that you’ve got a dramatic relationship fallout damage to deal with, that’s a lot to deal with at once. Don’t be afraid to reach out to a therapist if you still feel affected by these events 3 years ago. I was seeking professional help for about a year and a half, it really helped to have someone to talk to and process this stuff.

It’s especially difficult because you pretty much have to keep this stuff all bottled up inside while meeting new people. Desperation is unattractive in the platonic sense, and someone who’s trying too hard to be friends with you (if you’ve ever had that happen to you) can get creepy.

But what you will find, if you make friends with people. Is that everyone has had their bad experiences. Making friends as an adult (as in, post-college when you have to make all the effort) is overall much harder, but there is one advantage. You get to meet people from vastly different backgrounds. For example, you’ll meet people of vastly different ages. In college or any school, you pretty much socialize with people around + or – 5 years from your age. But after college, suddenly you could have friends who’ve worked on their career for longer than you’ve been alive. Find these opportunities to learn from others, and you’ll also meet some pretty awesome people along the way, in ways you never imagined!

I hope this was helpful to you!

PS: I fully agree with Argenti Aertheri, it’s a much better idea to set up the get-togethers yourself than to question why you weren’t invited. Unless you were given a verbal invitation for a specific event before (i.e. “Next week we’re going to see X, you should totally join us!”), I’d say don’t necessarily expect an invitation. It’s not necessarily a bad sign (people take time to warm up to others and let them into their social circles) but asking why you weren’t invited is far more likely to just cause friction between you and others.

asking why you weren’t invited is far more likely to just cause friction between you and others.

I was thinking something more like saying “I haven’t seen you guys in a while and also I wish I knew the local music scene better. You guys go to a lot more shows than I do, so I was hoping you might think of me if you hear of a act I might like.”

@Orion

While that sounds ok; I would recommend, rather than requesting future invitations, why not ask* whomever you connect with well in the group directly; like ‘hey, I’ve been trying to get to more concerts, are you going to any?’ and go from there. If you’re not close enough with the person to directly ask, perhaps just start off with ‘What kind of music do you like?’ and then maybe ‘What shows are you going to?’

Questions are generally better than requests. If you start a dialogue on the topic, there will be an opportunity for either them to invite you or you to ask if you can join them. In social situations, asking questions also helps ‘test the water’ or get a better sense of the person you’re having a conversation with. It’s also how you make friends because now you’re specifically interested in what kind of music this specific person listens to, rather than giving a request to the group at large.

@dhag85

It’s marvelous the sheer coincidences that lead to you meeting certain people. It’s true for friends, romantic partners and even job opportunities.

I’ve had the pleasure in the last month of meeting two awesome people completely at random, one through a job training session and one through a halloween party. I’m excited to see where where each relationship goes. 😀

@Luzbelitx

Sounds lovely! Hope you get to see her again!

WWTH – sounds like a reaction to eating something like a dog-toxic plant or something dogs can’t eat. There’s a lot of people food that dogs can’t eat too. Maybe check any plants you have in the house or outside and think back if there’s any people food he’s eaten?

Those symptoms can be relevant to a seizure too, but I wouldn’t panic just yet. Probably best to get him checked out by a vet though. Hope the poor pooch is ok!

A seizure was my fear at first. I think it’s just a gastrointestinal thing though. She keeps asking to be let out to potty and then not going once she gets out there. So she must have rumbling bowels. I can’t think of anything she could have gotten into, but maybe one of the big marrow bones she loves had meat that was starting to go bad on it.

I asked her if her last bone was bad and she started wagging her tail at the word “bone” so at least she’s in fairly good spirits.

Maybe there’s something in the water. I had some bowel issues today too! I promise I didn’t go on the floor though.

My dad thinks she got too greedy with her bone and actually managed to eat some of the bone itself and as a result had bone chips in her system. So she’s going on a bone break for awhile.

@Moocow

Absolutely. Congrats on the new friendship hopefuls! :p

I would also encourage people to keep an open mind as to what kind of person could end up becoming a good friend. As a 30 year old dude I’m expected to bond with other 30 year old dudes (spoiler: it never happens), but two of the very few friends I’ve acquired in recent years were a 19 year old woman and a 57 year old man (same age as my mother). I would guess many people get trapped in expectations to mostly get along with people from their own demographic groups. I’ve never felt like a typical man/guy/bro/dude/boy and I’ve always felt more comfortable with friends of other genders than my own. I suspect many others feel the same way, but I almost never hear anyone talking about it.

I find it easier to connect with and trust other women on a deeper level. But when it comes to more casual hanging out, sometimes I like men better. Women are socialized to be good and proper and responsible and sometimes have a harder time just relaxing, cutting loose, staying out late drinking and having good natured arguments about popular culture or politics, etc. Sometimes men are just a little more fun than my female friends are.

I think when women talk about gender as it relates to friendships it’s a little more fraught though. Sometimes women just genuinely tend to make friends with men more easily. Sometimes there’s a little bit of internalized misogyny going on. When women say they can’t be friends with other women because they’re all catty backstabbing bitches, I side eye it a little. Sometimes those women are just trying to be the “cool girl.”

I posted this quote from Gone Girl in another thread fairly recently, but it’s relevant, so here it is again.

Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.

Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men – friends, coworkers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. I’d want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: The bitch doesn’t really love chili dogs that much – no one loves chili dogs that much! And the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. Oh, and if you’re not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version – maybe he’s a vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain. (How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: “I like strong women.” If he says that to you, he will at some point fuck someone else. Because “I like strong women” is code for “I hate strong women.”)”

@WWTH:

That is an amazing rant, and very true. Sadly I’ve met a lot of women who’ve fallen into the trap of pretending to be the Cool Girl and then feeling trapped in their own character, unable to communicate about their own desires.

Could you expound on the following point, please? I feel that I don’t grasp your point but I’d like to, since it sounds interesting and important:

(How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: “I like strong women.” If he says that to you, he will at some point fuck someone else. Because “I like strong women” is code for “I hate strong women.”)”