It’s probably about time for another open thread for personal stuff. As is always the case with these open threads, NO MRAs, no trolls, none of that shit.
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Open Thread for personal stuff: November 2015 Mysterious Standing Cat Edition
” don’t drink”
Brazilian right? Can’t say “don’t drink” in the USA.
@EJ UUUUUUUUUGGGHHH. Men like that, just… “Oh my God, honey, does me preventing myself from being raped and murdered hurt your feefees? Does my PTSD hurt them? I am SO not sorry 🙁 If you dont want to be treated as a creep maybe don’t be one, asking numbers from complete strangers before any conversation?”
What the hell goes on in their heads for them to think it’s more important that we make them feel comfy, no matter how THEY make us feel? I wont hide my emotions to protect the feelings of a guy who asked my number without even adressing me before that.
@Virtually
What? Why? Is it grmatically incorrect? or victim blaming? On second thought, it can be victim blaming indeed… Is “try to watch your drink” better?
@scalyllama-glad the surgery worked. I’ve lost around 30 lbs since I was diagnosed with diabetes. It’s helped my breathing at night a great deal. I think the person most excited about my weight loss for purely cosmetic reasons is my mom. She’s a chronic dieter so that’s what’s important to her.
“Is “try to watch your drink” better?”
You still might get yelled at for that. 😉
Eh. Was not my intention, especially because I personally was a victim of that. Sorry you all.
I’ve been diagnosed with depression in August 2014. After a few months I felt so much better, I even managed to start dating someone. I never get dates, so of course I was very happy. But then, I lost my job and was unemployed for six months, the person I was dating kept leaving me and coming back at random (it’s over for good now, or at least so she told me), and my apartment got infested with bed ticks. Fortunately, I found the best job I’ve ever had, so at least I can hold on to this, but after all that, my depression is back in full. I’m seeing my doctor and my therapist tomorrow, and I hope I can get better soon, because right now, I feel like shit.
@ej: every now and then, I post something about feminism and/or women’s issues on Facebook. Almost invariably, some mansplainers will start listing comments, while women who wish to discuss the post will send me private messages. I would prefer to let them discuss it openly, but… I guess they prefer that. :-/
Dingdingding, we have a winner. This dude is just fishing for a “feminist” gloss for his very un-feminist behavior. And miffed because he’s not getting one. The only acceptable answer for him, clearly, is “Of COURSE you’re innocent and they’re all bitches! Nasty wimminzezzzzz!” Because he can’t handle the truth, and the truth is that NO woman likes to be approached by random strangers, however “politely”, and having to parry their sexual demands right on the spot.
(Or their ego demands. Same thing.)
[I’m reposting my first comment. If it was duplicated somehow and I missed it, sorry.]
Hey. This is Sarah aka Shietka. I introduced myself here a few months back, but I haven’t been very active here recently. Or that much online in general. Because my life has been pretty shitty. I mean, it’s not that anything bad has happened. In fact, I’m pretty fortunate in a lot of ways. I have a nice apartment and very supportive parents. And while I don’t have a job my parents are well off enough that I can live pretty comfortably. But my brain doesn’t care. My anxiety and depression are almost paralyzing. And because of a few recent bumps in my life, plus a general lack of progress in terms of employment or a social life, lately I’ve been feeling extra shitty and generally hopeless.
Not really asking for advice here. Just nice to be heard. Well, and I was hoping maybe to make some friends. Virtually all my friends are online these days. But things change, people leave this or that community, or get busy, so many I was close to aren’t on as much. Plus, I’m not that great at maintaining relationships or reaching out. So, yeah, I’m pretty lonely. So, yeah, if somebody could “friend” me or follow me or reach out on email or whatever, I’d appreciate it. I need people to talk to. About anything, everything.
I introduced myself a while back, but I’ll copy it here.
I’m a 29-year-old lesbian transwoman who is almost completely in the closet. I struggle with several mental health issues. Those issues have kept me from getting any job, until I got my first, a few months ago…which I lost in 3 days. I live alone with the support of my wonderful parents. I’m a huge geek with way too many interests, such as video games, comics, computers, language, movies, TV, history, art, and feminism (of course). I’ve been following this blog for a while, but I’ve only commented a few times.
I have a Tumblr and Twitter, both under the username “shietka.” The best way to reach me is on Google+ (Sarah Aigei). I do also have a Facebook account under that name (thankfully I haven’t gotten in any trouble for using it, but that’s probably because I’m barely active there). My email is sarahaigei at gmail. I also use Yahoo Instant Messenger (shietkaAigei).
Hi all. Okay, I’m a newb on here. A long time ago I went to Yahoo Answers Gender Studies to get advice on how to deal with sexism on the job. That’s when I was introduced to the MRA. They’re the opposite of helpful – more like depressing. Anyhow, I’ve started hearing MRA stuff everywhere. I grew up in a very religious home – same stuff without God willed it. Anyhow, I want to thank Dave especially and all the commenters on here. You make me stronger. Without you all, I’d be seriously upping the anti-depressants.
Btw, I was fired from that job right before Xmas. In a twist of fate, my part time job tutoring, in a small company run by a Japanese woman who felt there was too much sexism in Japan,
became an almost full-time job. I think I have a feminist fairy god mother. ????
@shietka alright ill shoot you an email at gmail.
Shietka and Dreamer: Hi! Help yourselves to welcome packages!
Ej:
There was a comment a while back around here that stated that some men only want to hear YES. Any and everything else is a no, and they refuse to hear it. I wish I could remember who said that because I will never forget the sentiment.
Does it matter that a woman does not want to be approached at any time of someone else’s choosing? Nope. Let’s not forget what is important here, and that will always be the feelings of whatever man feels entitled to attention.
I can’t go to a store alone without a man randomly approaching me. I am not all that attractive, either, but lots of guys play a numbers game where they hit on anything that moves, thinking that they may hear 100 nopes, but eventually they may get a yes.
So, I had been several places, and had a man comment on the size of my breasts across a parking lot, very loudly. I was in a mood by the time I got to the grocery, only to have a man approach me on the bread aisle. At which point, I lost my religion. I can’t tell you what he said, but he had the smarmy, “I am oh so clever” look on his face, and then he winked at me.
I looked at him for a few seconds, and after a bit of silence, he shifted on his feet a little, like I was somehow making him uncomfortable. Because, you know, how dare me not smile and be flattered.
So, I said “what?”. He continued to look confused, so I continued “WHAT? YOU INSISTED ON GETTING MY ATTENTION, YOU HAVE IT, SO WHAT???”
He mumbled something about being friendly, to which I informed him that if he wanted to successfully hit on random women at the grocery, he may want to bathe first, and possibly brush his rancid teeth. His jaw dropped and I told him he was done wasting my time. And I left the store and came home WITHOUT my bread, damn him.
My reaction was extreme, and out of the norm for me, but in my defense, I am TIRED. Does it never stop? I am in my early 40s, and I swear it’s getting worse. And the longer I live, the less nice I feel I have to be. These random dudes obviously don’t consider anyone else’s feelings, why in the hell do I have to consider theirs? I have decided that I don’t. I don’t have to be friendly, or polite, or docile.
So, I am a bitch, I am unfriendly, whatever, don’t care. Not anymore.
scalyllama — now I feel like an even shittier person for this one (don’t worry, I realize it is legit shitty of me)
So… the new session of aerials started, doing trapeze again, and there is no polite way to word this — I’m an asshole who’s being all mentally judgmental about the size of one of the women in my class. There are three of us, and three trapezes, pure chance, but always nice to be able to all be in the air at the same time — me, someone who isn’t old enough to drink (not sure her age, but cocktails and how she can’t have them yet came up), and a woman prolly in her thirties who is who I’m being an asshole about (note, I have not, and will not, say anything to/around her). I’m being all judgy cuz she can’t get up on the dinky trapeze, despite the dinky one having been my good buddy for my first month, it’s not the lack of strength, it’s that she is too large to get her feet on the bar while sitting under it, even with the instructor lifting her feet for her — she uses a step stool to get on the bar. And I’m, quite clearly, being a judgy asshole about this.
Besides the obvious DO NOT SAY ANYTHING, any advice? Like, I know, cognitively, that it’s not her fault she’s heavy, and good for her picking an exercise that’s fun, it’s why I started! But the socially ingrained fat shaming is sticking it’s ugly fingers into my brain. I’m so not looking to be told it’s okay, or in any way coddled, please don’t think that’s why I’m posting all this — I want advise how to be a less dickheaded person. Anything is welcome, including “wow Argenti, asshole much?”
*resists the urge to third guess zir second guess*
Yes, this is the thing I didn’t want to ask in the other thread, so yeah, any advice how to be a less shitty person?
@shietka I sent you an email. 🙂
@Argenti: why not compliment her? Like, make yourself do the opposite off what you do now. Start with something, anything, and tell her. Then take it from there.
Hi newbies!
Good to see you all, and hope you have good times.
My life is inordinately busy, but I’ve also had to make some tough-ish decisions.
EMT-2 class is going okay. We have our class final this Saturday, State exam next Wednesday, and practical exams the next Saturday. I’ve gotten all ten of my required IV starts and I actually feel pretty good about intubations. Crossing my fingers for all to go well, and taking tomorrow off to study like the wind.
So many chapters.
Class last week was every single day, all day, and I had to use up all of my personal leave from my real job to be there.
Yeah.
I’ve also figured out that I shouldn’t test for a job with the fire department, because I know I don’t want to live in this town for five more years (the minimum commitment) and I want to go to grad school. I don’t know what for, and I might duck over to the darkside of the force and get a paramedic licence, or go even more darkside and get an engineering degree, I don’t know yet. But I want to start looking.
So, yeah, have to break that news to the captains who have been asking me to apply.
@Argenti
You at least recognise that you do have a negative bias because of this woman’s size and that’s a fabulous start! It’s not easy overcoming an unconscious bias, mostly because we’re not, well, conscious of it!
We all have ingrained biases that we may need to fight against. When I went through school, it was absolutely de rigeur to pick on any boy we thought was effeminate using gay slurs, or on any Asian students for their looks and speech. I regret all of that now, so much so that I wish I could go back in time and give my younger self a right kicking. But when we’re embedded in a culture it’s hard to see its harmful aspects. For example, I’m sure you don’t actively hate fat people, but your brain may have absorbed the prevailing social messages – ‘fat people are lazy and stupid’, ‘fat people are smelly and ugly’, ‘fat people aren’t as good as the rest of us’. We get those from our culture ALL THE TIME. Even I’ve internalised those messages and have to shake myself when they pop into my head. This is a source of self-loathing for a lot of fat people.
Argenti, you seem like you genuinely want to do the right thing here. I’m really relieved you’re not going to make comment to the lady in question since even one small thing could make her abandon the activity altogether. We don’t know what courage she’s had to gather around her to do this. We don’t know if we’re seeing the start of her journey, or if she’s already come a long way. I’m in a support group for bariatric surgery patients and you just wouldn’t believe the joy it can bring to some of them to get to 150kg – but that’s because they’ve already lost 60kg.
You could try talking to her, if you haven’t already, and find out what caused her to take up trapeze. Her story could be really amazing. Knowing her story might help you feel more sympathetic and supportive.
Understand that the thoughts we have, both positive and negative, don’t spring readymade into our minds. They’re a product of all the life experiences we’ve had and all the cultural messages we receive. When a negative thought about someone pops into your head, take a moment to think, is this negativity about the person zirself? Or is it about an external trait? If it’s not about the person, back up. Examine the thought. Make sure it really belongs to you and not to the zeitgeist. And either way, take a moment to decide whether it’s a thought you really want to have/own.
That’s all I’ve got.
TL;DR Just treat people as people.
So sorry for the essay everyone!
PS I don’t have any bad feelings about what you’ve said. If you want to chat about things at all I’m scalyllama (at) gmail
@RosaDeLava
Here are the cats again, with a bonus picture from when their relative sizes were different. 🙂
http://i374.photobucket.com/albums/oo188/dhag85/8bc6c1f4-b2a6-49b2-816f-c5378c99790e_zpsu0qsfp19.jpg
http://i374.photobucket.com/albums/oo188/dhag85/f3e7b5d1-0e38-4c0f-8744-817d18a06f00_zpssu4eou4c.jpg
@scalyllama
First of all, congratulations! And awesome job. My wife has had similar experiences since her sleeve gastrectomy 13 months ago (down 78kg/172lbs). Random dudes asking if she’s got a boyfriend, where she lives, how old she is, etc. Flattering for about 2 days, then annoying and creepy.
Hi, shietka! I’m not very active on social media, but I’ll send you an email. 🙂
Hi, Dreamer!
Ps. omg my cat just fell asleep on my shoulder/face. what do?
Thanks guys, I suck at giving compliments (or receiving them), but asking her about why she’s doing trapeze I can do without coming off as snarky, I think (I’m even snarkier in person). I wish unthinking things was possible, but countering the mental “what is she doing here if she can’t even get on the trapeze” with “yeah, and neither could you really”, stick with that and, you know, being a decent human being, that I can do. And I’d never comment on someone’s weight outside reminding my mother that she should subtract 10+ pounds off the scale cuz boobs.
dhag — get comfy cuz you’re now stuck there!
Update #3. That guy on Facebook did eventually come around. He says he understands better why we might shut people out, but that it’s just far from his normal perception of the world. It’s not something he would do, so he didn’t understand the motivation behind it. It just took so long and so many stories for him to finally believe us. There’s a quote from Anita Sarkeesian that fits perfectly here. “One of the most radical things you can do is actually believe women when they tell you about their experiences.”
I am glad I stopped commenting when I did. While I was sleeping, someone else came in with the “men get sexually harassed too” comments, which later devolved into “but it’s so hard to approach women and men really have it bad because of that.” If I had seen that before going to bed, I never would have gotten to sleep. Yes, men also get sexually harassed, but that conversation was not the place to bring it up. The conversation was about why women respond the way they do when approached on the street. The conversation was about women being harassed, but we have to also worry about men being harassed and how hard it is for them to approach someone? Guys, it’s not always about you. Why is this so hard to understand? (That’s a rhetorical question. I unfortunately already know the answer.)
Also, here’s an awesome dance video to balance out my previous ranty posts.
November 5th was the anniversary of my brother’s death.
Poem
on
aisle
8.
In other news, now that it’s getting dark earlier, I tend to get a bit depressed. I work on that one. Every year, right around this time, I start to work on that one. This is the time of year that I consider “woman-unfriendly,” because I don’t want to stay out that late. Also, it gets colder and wetter.
In addition, a brother, my father, and my mother all died around this time of year (not all in the same year!). My father’s been dead 20 years, and I just can’t believe it. My mother will have been dead 10 years. I can’t believe that either. I think of them every day. Sometimes I talk to them.
Plus the holidays. I get a bit down about them. I work on that too, every year, right around this time.
I try to focus on the beauty and good in life. A tree. A smile. A meow!
Best wishes to everyone who is facing challenges and also to everyone who is on top of the world.