Open Thread for personal stuff: November 2015 Mysterious Standing Cat Edition

@Whoever recommended Steven Universe: Thank you.
So much.
So, so much.

@Johanna – I’m really sorry to hear that. Heroine’s just…yeah.
Fuck it.

BUT FALLOUT 4!!!
There’s a new launch trailer.
Have you seen the character build planner thing that’s around?
It’s glitchy in Chrome, but fun to play with.
Also: The Pip-Boy app’s out 😀

Noooo, I haven’t seen the build planner. I want it. I WANT IT BAD. :3 I’m playing ESO at the moment and just sort of vegging. With tasty, tasty peppermint bark.

Here it is:

http://www.rpg-gaming.com/fo4.html

It’s not remotely legit – I think I heard it was scabbed together using info from leaked footage – but it’s fun.

@mockingbird – I like Witcher 3 too. You’re not alone! But I still play Skyrim, so…

Reposting my rant from the previous open thread with an update. The Facebook post discussed below has either been deleted or taken private, as I can no longer see it (despite having posted and liked several comments in it). I should have known to screenshot it when I had the chance, but it was so big that trying to capture it all would have taken many, many photos. I know he threatened to delete it if it got “hateful,” and apparently women sharing their experiences and telling him that he’s wrong is considered “hateful.”

————————————————————-

Apologies in advance for the upcoming TL;DR.

I’m dealing with a “What about the menz” issue on Facebook today. I’m trying to be calm and level in my Facebook responses because I know he has good intentions, but it still makes me angry. I know this guy is trying, but he’s not being a very good ally.

It all started when he posted a video that showed a man and a woman approaching members of the opposite sex on the street. To start with, the video was biased to make the women appear rude. The man approaching them opened with, “I think you’re cute. Can I get your number?” The women, unsurprisingly, walked away or told him to fuck off. When the situation was reversed and a woman was approaching men, she started by introducing herself and they had a bit of an interaction before she dropped the line, “I think you’re cute. Can I get your number?” So, even though they did use the same words the context was different. This friend of mine posted the video with a comment asking why the women were so rude. The bias in the video had to be pointed out by someone else. He didn’t see any differences in the approaches.

Several women, myself included, recounted instances of street harassment. We told him why it was threatening and offered better ways to approach women (in cafes, while waiting in line, etc.). We specifically said that we don’t like being approached on the street. He responded with comments about how men don’t read body language the same way women do and so we’re expecting them to read signals that they just don’t see (*cough*bullshit*cough*).

He also edited the original post. First to say that he didn’t like that the more “emotionally aggressive” comments were receiving more likes. Of course, because it’s text, everyone will read a different amount of aggression into the comments. I read them all and didn’t think any of them were overly aggressive. He also threatened to delete the thread if it became more hateful than productive. I understand that sentiment, but nothing that anyone posted in the thread was hateful. It was mostly personal experiences of street harassment from women. They were tied to anger about the situations, but none of the anger was directed at the OP or anyone else in the thread. We’re being harassed on a regular basis. I think we have the right to be a bit angry about it, but being angry about a situation is very different from being angry and hateful to other people around you.

The second edit to the post is what really got me riled up. He said that both men and women need to assume the people have good intentions, instead of bad. He posted this after receiving many messages from women telling him about how they were harassed after giving someone the benefit of the doubt. He is asking us to ignore our lived experience without realizing that we’ve already tried that tactic. Most of us have tried being nice and it didn’t end well, so we’ve stopped being nice. I did point out that asking us to give men the benefit of the doubt is asking us to ignore our lived experiences, but have yet to receive a response from the OP.

The third edit was asking for solutions and better options for approaching women (even though some had already been suggested). Sorry, dude. I’m much more concerned about the women being harassed than I am about the fact that you can’t get a date. There’s also just a lot of entitlement coming from him in the whole thread. He wants women to respond to his approaches because he’s ‘nice,’ but he doesn’t seem to realize that we’ve heard that one before (and it was a lie). I mean, he’s a decent guy, but he seems to think that he should get the response he wants no matter what past experiences the woman in question has had.

I know he has good intentions, but it really irks me when someone who claims to be an ally tries to talk over and diminish women’s experiences. Despite the number of women recounting their experiences of being harassed after being ‘nice,’ he still insists that we shouldn’t assume the worst. I know he’s trying to learn, but he needs to figure that the best way to that is to listen to us and not assume that he has the magical solution. He just seems to be missing the part where we all share stories of what happens when we’re ‘nice’ and just keeps insisting that is the answer. Part of me just wants to scream at him, “DON’T YOU THINK WE’VE TRIED THAT ALREADY?” I know that wouldn’t be productive in this situation, but how many stories do you need to hear before you will believe us when we say that being nice doesn’t work?

Also, just a side note, he has thanked several MEN for contributing to the conversation. Yup, women discussing their experiences with sexism are “emotionally aggressive.” Men addressing sexism all deserve cookies.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-t1RRT4k7q08/TzCwhtuinkI/AAAAAAAAAac/fA4PyIkyadc/s1600/Cookie.jpg

Rant over. I just needed to get the anger out somewhere. I know it won’t be productive in the Facebook discussion, but that thread is starting to feel like I’m beating my head against the wall.

Ohhhh, but re: peppermint bark: We’re having a warm snap, so I made some ice cream – vanilla base with just a *touch* of coffee for a bass note with diced dark chocolate covered almonds mixed in during freezing and caramel swirled in just after…
…Yes. Witcher 3 and Vanilla-Coffee Chocolate-Almond Caramel Swirl ice cream once these lunches are sorted 😀

Aw man, that description just makes me hungrier and hungrier.

@ej

I’m reposting my response here as well, which means I’ll proofread a post for once.

This friend of mine posted the video with a comment asking why the women were so rude.

He also edited the original post. First to say that he didn’t like that the more “emotionally aggressive” comments were receiving more likes… He also threatened to delete the thread if it became more hateful than productive.

The second edit to the post is what really got me riled up. He said that both men and women need to assume the people have good intentions, instead of bad. He posted this after receiving many messages from women telling him about how they were harassed after giving someone the benefit of the doubt.

The third edit was asking for solutions and better options for approaching women (even though some had already been suggested)… He wants women to respond to his approaches because he’s ‘nice,’ but he doesn’t seem to realize that we’ve heard that one before (and it was a lie).

“I know he has good intentions”. Nope, he has selfish intentions. Like many of the trolls who’ve come and gone here, he’s pretending to want to discuss broader gender issues but he really only cares own dating woes. Seriously, the streets could be filled with chaos and blood, he’s still going to discuss, at length, how attractive women he doesn’t know are not available to him.

Hit the eject button. This guy will shove aside any women commenting on their own negative experiences because it’s all about his self-pity and resentment. He’s likely to start whining about his lack of dating in high school and/or college any minute, if he hasn’t already. In the end he’s a milder form of the incel trolls that pop up here. They cast their personal relationship misfortunes as a social issue; it’s genuinely unfair that attractive women walking the streets won’t give them the attention they want and therefore real social change is needed to get that to happen. And when I say “real social change” I mean women need to stop being stuck up bitches and cater to his whims.

Update #2. The thread is back, but with a note that the OP feels personally attacked. One person said that he was “fucking up” this situation and that equals a personal attack. All she did was point out that he asked for dialog, but isn’t listening to what we are saying.

Just another example of how women aren’t allowed to show anger. We have to tiptoe around issues so we don’t hurt anyone’s feelings.

http://media.tumblr.com/084d21a7a38e80086c993724009238c2/tumblr_inline_msozzbdEUN1qz4rgp.gif

I really want to respond to the “offensive” comment to say that’s she’s right (about the fact that he needs to listen better), but it’s 2 am and I really don’t want to deal with that shitstorm right now.

Huh. This happened to me once before. I just commented, but when I entered my gravatar email it made sign me into WordPress, then brought me back here, and I don’t see my comment. But when I try to enter it again it says I already did. But I don’t see it. Is it awaiting moderation maybe?

Shietka,
I see your comment!

EJ,
Ugh. The old saw about how we have to assume that men all have good intentions. That is, until we are raped or otherwise hurt by one. Then we should have known better than to go somewhere alone with him. Shouldn’t have led him on by giving a soft no. Shouldn’t have had those drinks. And so on. It sounds like what your friend is trying to say is that we should be okay with being abused or raped.

@WWTH you do? I don’t mean the one asking about it, I made one before. It was longer. And I just checked using a different browser and I still don’t see it.

Happy to announce that six months on from my gastric bypass surgery, I’ve now lost 23kg (about 50lb). Total loss from my highest weight is 40kg (88lb). What is lovely for me, but also paradoxically fills me with anger, is how much more visible I’ve become to other human beings. I am served more quickly in stores, people will make room for me to sit on public transport, and (heaven help me) young men find me attractive.

Like I said, this is all nice for me, but has made me more acutely aware of the discrimination fat people suffer (that I still experience, though to a lesser degree now that I’m what’s deemed by society to be a more “acceptable” size).

I had the surgery for health reasons and my six month test results were fabulous, completely justifying my decision. The cosmetic results are nice, but weren’t the driving factor. Yet that’s all people seem to want to see or deal with. I guess I’d just ask people in general to be kind towards fat people. It’s not necessarily in their control and they certainly don’t want to be fat. But if wishes were fishes, then beggars would feast. Wanting isn’t always enough to make such a change possible. Will power is the LEAST helpful tool in the shed when it comes to weight loss.

Thank you for reading. Rant over.