Mia Matsumiya, an L.A. musician, is also a human female on the internet, and in the latter capacity has been getting — and saving — creepy messages from creepy dudes for a decade, more than a thousand in total.
Now she’s posting them on Instagram, supplemented by some of the especially creepy ones her friends have gotten as well. Along with a wide assortment of extremely weird sexual come-ons, she’s gotten racist abuse, death threats, and, she told DAZED magazine, “pages and pages of fantasy stories about coming to my concerts and then raping me in the bathroom” from a lovely fellow who “ended up getting arrested for stalking another Asian woman.”
Here are a few of the more charming ones I found on her Instagram, though for the full effect you should probably just go there. (CONTENT WARNING: Graphic and horrifying language, rape threats, you name it.)
As Matsumiya notes, she’s “never seen a well-intentioned question that contains the phrase ‘virgin flesh.'”
But hey, it gets worse!
Wat.
Some people spend Sunday morning eating a late breakfast and doing the New York Times crossword. Pradeep here sends bitter, hostile messages to women he doesn’t know.
Brace yourself for this next one.
Are there really a lot of child RAPPERS in Japan?
You may feel the need to take a shower after this next one.
PRO TIP to all the men of the world: Never refer to yourself as “Papsy.” Ever.
This next one is perhaps the weirdest backhanded compliment ever conceived.
And speaking of weird, here’s one that some creeper sent a redheaded friend of hers.
Uh, dude, has this, er, approach ever worked in the history of ever?
Editing post-tome: I’m not sure why I wrote all that, but I did. tl;dr: I advocate for people dating to be as upfront as possible.
Adding: Online dating seems like it distills the some of the worst effects of relative anonymity & separation from the addressed into a gawd-awful experience.
This reminds me of my and my husband’s first date-date (as opposed to out first not-date when I asked him to go watch “the new Star Trek” with me – I thought it was a date and he thought, “I’m making a friend at my new job!”).
After going to something that is a lovely little pub every day but Friday (at which point it became a very loud, standing room meat market – we stood around awkwardly for a few minutes before I yelled directly into his ear, “DO YOU WANT TO STAY HERE?”
“NO!”), we ended up at a diner. From about 830 until they kicked us out at closing (1?), we sat around sharing appetizers, drinking local beer, and telling one another about everything about ourselves that we could think of that might be a deal-breaker.
“I’m a horrible shut-in. I mean, I’ll go out, but it’s kind of exhausting and I’d really rather hang back and read or watch movies and browse Pitchfork for too long.”
“Me, too! But part of it’s that I’m cheap. If I had a coupon for this place right now, I’d use it. Most of the stuff that you do while staying in is significantly less expensive than going out, even if you’re staying in with friends.”
“I’m pretty much a woman. I’m not Transgender, but if you’re a person who would like to say that every person has a lot of the ‘other gender’ in them, my inner woman is very strong – but she’s also a lesbian who loves vaginas.”*
“That OK. I’m pretty much a 14-year-old boy. I love videogames**, though I don’t get much of a chance to play them now, and I could happily live off of pepperoni pizza. I’m also a mess. It’s not that I’m a hoarder or anything, I just get distracted very easily. I need to make a real effort to clean***.”
About 3 hours of that.
It was such a lovely start.
*I apologize if that offends anyone. It’s just what he said. He meant it more to mean that he has significantly more stereotypically feminine traits than many of his exes may have enjoyed in a boyfriend.
**I was a single mother to two who was working 40 hours / week + taking 2-3 courses a semester with a 40 minute commute each way, so I really did have no time. This fact was probably a significant factor in our no-BS approach to dating.
***He may have thought, “Oh, she’s too hard on herself! Her place looks fine!”
And it did.
Because it was a single-wide trailer, er, “modular home” with a Master Bedroom only marginally big enough for a bed; a den / walk in closet that was filled up by bunk beds and a dresser; a living room with a couch, a coffee table that pinch hit has floor-level dining table, a TV/PS3 (pretty much the only two large non-kid things that I didn’t stuff into a storage unit for my ex when he pursued a divorce), and precious little else that was only occupied for 2 or so waking hours each day.
Small space living does have the advantage of also being a small space to maintain.
And thank you to whoever posted the link to the archived Reddit convo (on my phone, changing pages sucks).
@Virtually out of Touch re: Honey: I lived in southern Alabama for a bit.
It took awhile to acclimate to literally everyone more than a few years older than me calling me, “Honey.”
I eventually came to recognize myriad flavors of the word, from the older woman’s compulsive friendly-honey to the probably-slightly-patronizing-but-well-intentioned-and-not-likely-to-change-older-man-honey to the creepster-honey.
@dhag – I’m so sorry to hear about this.
I’d heard nothing about it. Thanks for the links.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/rossalynwarren/a-girl-knocked-off-her-bike-by-basketball#.udwLob83j
Anybody read about this. The Internets reaction and support of what this kid did is disgusting.
kupo | October 22, 2015 at 9:08 am
“And acting like it’s the responsibility of the people being harassed to stop the harassment is INCREDIBLY unhelpful.”
– Its my personal responsibility to let a man know I’m not interested in him if I’m not.
” I work in a male-dominant field and being direct in this manner could at the very least get me pegged as a troublemaker trying to play the gender card.”
– How have you handled unwanted flirtations at your work place? Or if that hasn’t happened, how *would* you, hypothetically?
@autosoma – There’s a lot to comment on in your series of posts, but I’ll just congratulate you on your self-reflection and thoughtfulness in the face of your background.
Really.
That takes quiet a bit.
@Scribbles – I’ve heard stories from younger but and gay friends – some older gay guys (not bi that I’ve heard, but that’s probably not something that’s going to be parsed in the moment) acting entitled to young men’s attentions and sex.
Hell, back in the late 90s/early 2000s even my husband – very slim and then slim and muscled in his late teens / early 20s, and, probably importantly, living in Orlando – was propositioned while just walking by more than one random old guy who’d get belligerent when rejected.
Plenty of young / age comparable guys, too, apparebtly came on to him, but that was at parties or while hanging out and wasn’t creepy. He’d hug them and say something like, “I’m flattered, but I’m straight.” And, suhprise-suhprise, they were all cool with it.
Very sad news from Sweden. And the shitting Daily Fail put ‘right wing’, as if there is any doubt that loving Hitler makes you anything else. Mind you, the Daily Fail was pro Nazi in the 30s so they might have a different take on it.
Scribbles, ” Like it’s ok to reject someone. You don’t even need to qualify it. You shouldn’t expect a fucking tantrum.”
This is my point EXACTLY.
“Very sad news from Sweden. And the shitting Daily Fail put ‘right wing’, as if there is any doubt that loving Hitler makes you anything else.”
He’s considered “far left” by some because of his socialism. And ironically enough, Malcolm X is considered “far left” too, though he is far right (anti-government, pro-black sovreignty in all areas economic, social, etc).
The man who owns the corner market just up the street from my house works there from the time he goes to unpadlock the security fencing and doors until mid-afternoon. At first it was touching my hand a little longer than needed when giving me my change, then stroking my forearm and saying something about admiring the fact that I’ve got blindingly pale skin. When he decided to want hugs is when I decided that driving a little farther was worth it. If I do go by that market at all it’s at night because I know that’s when a female relative of the owner and a guy who may be married to her are working.
@Orion
Gah! Well, here’s to hoping that we manage to prevent further papsy-and-others from spreading….it’s not enough for us to simply age out of their age group of interest, especially given that people are living longer so one might feasibly be dealing with papsy approaches well into ages 50+.
Shit, that is awful. I saw that briefly on Facebook, and clicked on the link, only to have my iPad kack out on me. (Which it often does when I click on script-heavy news sites.)
And I’m unhappy he’s dead too, mainly because he’s now going to be a martyr for all the other Nazis out there instead of standing criminal trial. Last thing the world needs is another fucking Horst Wessel. This one should have gone to jail like Breivik, and been denied every opportunity to pontificate or strike a “heroic” pose.
While I agree with the sentiment of your last sentence, for the record, it is often my experience ANY anecdote about effective confrontation skills, including self-defence, is over-interrupted by certain feminist communities as implying the targets of harassment/assault are responsible for all solutions.
This could be the nature of the online medium(difficulty in interpreting tone from text) and (understandably) passionate feelings. But the effect is to drive away the very people who can increase the skill set and knowledge base of agency in women as a group.
Learning/sharing techniques and skills to shut down abusers can be done concurrently with supporting/endorsing social and institutional changes to reduce/eliminate sexism/harassment and assault. And visaversa. Treating it like “either/or” is the reason most older feminist groups were not a good fit for me, to put it tactfully.
No, I will not wait around for social changes to be personally safe. I will learn every fucking skill to take care of business NOW, while, AT THE SAME TIME, supporting social and institutional changes.
And at no point am I judging/putting down/dismissing anyone else’s experience. It is always an abuser’s responsibility to not abuse in the first place.
And this is really a lot of fucking words to explain what to me is a rather simple and obvious concept.
Also, Hitler was no socialist. They may have inserted that word there to lure in the working-class goons, but make no mistake, what he did had no socialism about it. He was as much a capitalist as any ‘winger. Hell, his gas chambers and crematoria were built by private industries on contract!
Anyone trying to insist Hitler was a Socialist is very confused or has an agenda. The socialism in the Nazi party began and ended in the name. Look up crypto fascist propaganda.
@ Bina
You probably know better than anyone that Drexler inserted the ‘socialist’ in there and espoused anti capitalist ideology to attract the German working class away from the more Marxist orientated regular socialism into his national socialist Volksgemeinschaft movement.
Of course, by the time Hitler took over the Nasdap had abandoned nearly all it’s socialist trappings and was highly pro business.
@dhag
I’m glad you and yours are safe. What a terrible thing to do.
@justlikeheaven
Wow, that is shitty. The people defending that shithead kid… ugh.
Some days it seems like there is just nothing but awful things happening in the world. Here’s something that restores a little bit of goodness to those who need it:
http://mic.com/articles/127171/read-this-mom-s-perfect-open-letter-to-the-teen-skater-who-helped-her-young-daughter
Justlikeheaven,
I really love all the men mansplaining to the women that the boy wasn’t catcalling or being offensive. Maybe, to a man “hey ladies!” seems innocuous, but when you’re a young woman and you can’t go out in public without guys shouting at you, it doesn’t seem quite so harmless.
I wish men would just shut the fuck up about street harassment unless it’s to offer support because they clearly have no idea what they’re talking about. Besides, I think the fact that this guy assaulted that girl should erase any benefit of the doubt that he was not being predatory.
@bvh
You can’t really blame us for being twitchy about that sort of thing, though. Even stuff that should be completely neutral, like learning self-defense or being aware of bad areas, gets twisted into “Oh, you clearly didn’t learn enough/weren’t aware enough” if you’re attacked or “Schrödinger’s rapist! #NotAllMen! Misandry!” if you’re not. Or, occasionally, both simultaneously.
Get angry at rape culture for twisting it to fit their agenda. Don’t get angry at us for reacting to it. In-fighting won’t help anyone.
@dhag
Oh God, not again… Just, fuck. I’m glad you’re alright. =/
@National “Socialism”
Fascist and communist groups are good naming themselves after the complete opposite. Any group named “Liberty” is totalitarian, any group named “Patriot” is full of anti-[home country] terrorists, the American Family Association wants to destroy as many families as possible, One Million Moms consists entirely of a dozen dudes, the Democratic People’s Republic Of Korea is, well, it’s North Korea, enough said… Etc.
There was a faction in the NSDAP that supported a type of Hegelian synthesis of left wing ideology and socialism with racism and German nationalism. But Hitler purged their leaders during the Night of the Long Knives. They’re a bit like the MRA’s who support a few left wing and progressive causes (like The Amazing Atheist).
There were “free market” libertarian types in the US in the 1920’s who admired Benito Mussolini. There’s always been an ideological affinity because both right-libertarians and fascists believe in natural hierarchy and reject movements for social equality and have anti-democratic tendencies in their thinking.
@VOOT I’ve had this happen twice. The first time, the guy said, “I love you” just right out (he’s socially awkward), and I replied with, “okay” and dropped it. Then he saw me with my boyfriend a couple of days later at PAX and started crying, so I hugged him and let him cry on my shoulder and gave some empathetic platitudes. He was a friend, and he stayed a friend for a while, but he never stopped giving me googly eyes so I stopped eating lunch with him.
The second asked me to come along to some social gatherings, I wasn’t interested, and I had no idea he was flirting until he contacted me on OK Cupid. I actually would have been interested if he wasn’t a coworker, but I’d been dumped a couple of times that year and that was really hard on me because it wasn’t long after I was widowed, so I didn’t feel like I could handle seeing an ex every day at work, and I explained as much to him.
If it were to happen right now I would probably point out that I’m happily married and enjoy being monogamous. I would not call them out on it being inappropriate nor would I be blunt about any lack of attraction.
*Good at naming. Coffee, stat.
@VOoT
Okay, sure. Personally, I’d phrase it more like it’s the dude’s responsibility to find out if you’re interested or not, instead of just assuming “hey look there’s an unattended woman-object free for the taking over there!”, but hey, communication is good.
That said, I rather think there’s more than one way to make your lack of interest known. Saying “No I’m not interested” is a very rare thing in our culture, when it comes to, say, people inviting you to their church service. Even if you really hate going to church, you tend to say something like “oh, thank you for the offer, but I can’t make it” or something, because it’s polite. In most other situations, people will get the hint that you’re not fucking interested within one to three deflection like this. Except, somehow, when it comes to a dude and his pantsfeelings. Funny how that is.
Or, for example, cutting off contact with the person. Generally avoiding ever contacting someone again is a pretty clear “No I would not like to fuck you” message, I think. It’s not my problem if some dude thinks that complete radio silence means “oh I’m madly in love with you please keep messaging me.”
Also, do you really think that the people getting harassing messages online could make it stop by going “I’m not interested”? Because I have a SWATH of examples of that not working.
@bvh
Sure, but VOoT started into this little “just say no!” spiel in response to my anecdote about a business acquaintance being gross and creepy, and she garnished that advice with “oh he probably just didn’t know any better you should talk with him more and hold his hand and teach him how to pick up western women.”
I kind of don’t think this is totally neutral self help advice.
Yikes, that’s scary news about Sweden. I’m sorry that happened, that’s awful. 🙁
msexceptiontotherule @ October 22, 2015 at 2:44 pm
“The man who owns the corner market just up the street from my house works there from the time he goes to unpadlock the security fencing and doors until mid-afternoon. At first it was touching my hand a little longer than needed when giving me my change, then stroking my forearm and saying something about admiring the fact that I’ve got blindingly pale skin.”
– This shit was par for the course when I travelled throughout the Middle East and South Asia.
bvh @ October 22, 2015 at 2:55 pm
– Yes a million times to everything you wrote.