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creep-shaming creepy harassment men who should not ever be with women ever misogyny racism sexual harassment

“Are you a virgin flesh?” And a thousand other creepy messages from creepy creepers

Hello girls indeed.
Hello girls indeed.

Mia Matsumiya, an L.A. musician, is also a human female on the internet, and in the latter capacity has been getting — and saving — creepy messages from creepy dudes for a decade, more than a thousand in total.

Now she’s posting them on Instagram, supplemented by some of the especially creepy ones her friends have gotten as well. Along with a wide assortment of extremely weird sexual come-ons, she’s gotten racist abuse, death threats, and, she told DAZED magazine, “pages and pages of fantasy stories about coming to my concerts and then raping me in the bathroom” from a lovely fellow who “ended up getting arrested for stalking another Asian woman.”

Here are a few of the more charming ones I found on her Instagram, though for the full effect you should probably just go there. (CONTENT WARNING: Graphic and horrifying language, rape threats, you name it.)

perv1

As Matsumiya notes, she’s “never seen a well-intentioned question that contains the phrase ‘virgin flesh.'”

But hey, it gets worse!

perv5

Wat.

perv2

Some people spend Sunday morning eating a late breakfast and doing the New York Times crossword. Pradeep here sends bitter, hostile messages to women he doesn’t know.

Brace yourself for this next one.

perv3

Are there really a lot of child RAPPERS in Japan?

You may feel the need to take a shower after this next one.

perv4

PRO TIP to all the men of the world: Never refer to yourself as “Papsy.” Ever.

This next one is perhaps the weirdest backhanded compliment ever conceived.

perv6

And speaking of weird, here’s one that some creeper sent a redheaded friend of hers.

perv7

Uh, dude, has this, er, approach ever worked in the history of ever?

H/T — DAZED, via The Cut

 

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RoscoeTCat
5 years ago

“kitty porn”??

These revolting posts this poor woman got, makes me happy to belong to an older generation.

level14boss
level14boss
5 years ago

A friend and I used to call Papsy ‘Mentors’ when we were younger. Mainly because they always gave of this vibe of wanting to guide and control any woman they spoke to.

Orion as a guy I can’t honestly say when I was younger I’ve not been tempted to post one of those ‘I’ll save you you from this cruel world posts.’, but thank fuck I had enough self-awareness to think ‘You’re voice isn’t really that important right now, Go make a sandwich you fool.’

weirwoodtreehugger
5 years ago

Only tangentially related, but is anyone else completely unsurprised by this?
http://www.marketwatch.com/story/why-smart-women-may-threaten-your-manhood-2015-10-16

No matter how much men claim to be attracted to intelligent women, the vast majority have never shown any evidence of meaning it. Or I should say, they like intelligent women as long as they don’t ever use that intelligence to challenge them.

Virtually Out of Touch
Virtually Out of Touch
5 years ago

So, going by the internet, the % of sociopaths in the population is close to 50%

autosoma
5 years ago

My two half brothers do this stuff, they’ve both happily opened up about their dick pic sending, the angry entitled spamming on just about every social media thing they use. I also have a friend who is well mannered, polite and well educated who behaves just like Papsy. I’ve given up asking them why they do it and getting them to question their behaviours because their mean, self-centered, entitled attitudes are impossible to break through. I’ve even hone to the lengths of pointing out that they all have exceptionally average, rather mediocre penises which still hits the entitlement firewall (yep they are so self-unaware they brag about it) and doesn’t get through to change their behaviour. Mind you their are all separated (not much of a surprise there) and have no contact with their children. At times I get envious of their isolated insular reality (especially when I’m having relationship difficulties) and then I read one of David’s posts like this and it helps to remind me not to be like that.

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

As a natural redhead, I can confirm that we gingers also get our share of creepers. But it’s a different species of creeper from the one that creeps on tiny Asian women. While Asian-creepers think all Asian women are naturally submissive (because small and slender?), redhead-creepers think we all have a MASSIVE sex drive. Which is massively fucking WRONG. I got them especially often as a young teenager (and I mean REALLY young, as in just-entered-my-teens young). Horn honkers, guys who shouted unintelligible shit from car windows, etc. In my mid/late 20s, I finally found out what the hell was going on. One older man (of course, they’re ALWAYS older men) let it slip that I’d acquired a reputation in a local amateur theatre group as “a redhead who didn’t put out”. HUH? Are we SUPPOSED to put out, because red hair? Man, did I even skeeve-eye him. And after that day, I didn’t come back.

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

…did I EVER skeeve-eye him, even. Sheesh, Typo Mammoth!

Virtually Out of Touch
Virtually Out of Touch
5 years ago

The “what will you if i…” ones read like some pervy Indian guys I know. Not that all Indian guys are pervy, but some that I know are, and I’m talking about them. Which brings me to this copy-paste;

—-
“I’m guessing their other “non-white” guy is Amartya Talukdar, the holocaust denier.”

“An Indian guy?! What “rights” don’t guys in India have? Hell, they even get a dowry when they get married.”

From my experience with Indian guys, they are the last people on earth that need a “mens’ rights movement”.

Autosoma, you’re saying your Papsy friend and your 2 half bros are all separated from their spouses? Do they not feel if they reversed their behavior that maybe their relationships would not be so bad? They think how they behave is proper behavior for dads? Did they all grow up on the internet or something?

Catalpa
5 years ago

Hm, I have met… Perhaps a subspecies of papsy. He didn’t check off all the boxes, but he was definitely a creep.

I’m a pretty recently graduated engineer, and everyone says that you gotta network to find jobs. And since engineering is a very male-dominated field, that meant meeting a lot of dudes. And adding them on linkedin, passing out my business cards (which have my phone number on them), etc. The vast majority of these dudes are totally respectful, but there was one dude who was also looking for a job, who I had a brief conversation with, and exchanged contact information. He was a fairly recent immigrant to Canada, and I felt for his plight in struggling with a different language and having people dismiss your experience because it was in foreign countries. I offered to like, proofread his resume if he needed help.

Shortly afterwards, I found employment in a nearby town, and moved there. Got a company phone and ended up having to change my phone number. Dude messaged me after the move, and congratulated me on the job. Asked about my whereabouts and experiences, whatnot. I’m not terribly good with messaging people, and I was busy with a new job situation, so I didn’t reply for a while. In the meantime, he kept pinging me. Once every couple days. Eventually I responded, and he asked to add me on skype so we could discuss his resume. I agreed, since I felt like I should help him.

During the IMing, he kept dropping comments about how I was so pretty, so helpful, so nice… It was creepy. It wasn’t super blatant, but it set my alarm bells off. I gave him a couple more resume tips and signed off. I was done. He kept pinging me on linkedin, though. Still every few days. Finally, after like a month of that, he left me one last huffy message about how “I’ve been sending you numerous messages to keep in contact but you keep ignoring me, and your phone number is out of service. I sensed you were reluctant to have a relationship with me, but I decided to approach you anyway. But I won’t be treated like this any longer. I am deleting you from my linkedin and skype. GOODBYE.”

So long, buddy. I was almost tempted to tell him that remarking on a business aquantaince’s personal appearance isn’t professional, but I didn’t, because replying would likely only encourage him, and I’d put money on the only reply I’d get would be “it was only a compliment! You’re too sensitive! Wah!” So, no. Fuck that.

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

Also, gotta love when these guys basically advertise themselves on OKStoopid as PUAs:

http://40.media.tumblr.com/c419d38e066b5c4c021da0ed21ffd575/tumblr_nlzerfkJqV1slyh1oo1_1280.png

“Beasting” is what PUAs call it when they go out to hit up random women all over a given location, almost on autopilot. And this guy counts on his quarry not knowing what that word means.

autosoma
5 years ago

virtually out of touch… that’s exactly what I’m saying. They and several other nrn accept no responsibility and do not hold themselves accountable for their own behaviours. It absolutely bloody amazes me. Also, they just can’t stop themselves, they appear to have no self censorship at all or impulse control.

Orion
5 years ago

That may be the way PUAs use it, but it’s not their word. It’s in general use in a lot of nerdy circles. For gamers, it just means playing especially successfully, intensely, and/or for a long time. Or by extension, doing any other activity with skill and enthusiasm.

Scribbles
Scribbles
5 years ago

lol “beasting.” god, everything about them reeks of pathetic manchild trying desperately to reify a nonexistent masculinity. More like bee sting.

scott
scott
5 years ago

My ex-girlfriend is mainland Chinese and she used to get creepy shit like this all the time.

The worst thing was when we went to a local low-budget Comic-Con knockoff, we had this one creeper who just followed us around the whole time and eventually cornered her as she was coming out of the bathroom to chat her up about anime.

He started crying when security dragged him out, he was “just trying to be nice!’ or something.

Scribbles
Scribbles
5 years ago

I had a somewhat recent Papsy experience on PoF, where an old straight guy kept messaging me over and over again comparing me to “the son he never had” and how we’d be great friends and eventually it got weirdly, subtly sexual. I never responded, even though the thought of telling him to fuck off was so tempting, because I don’t feel like putting the lotion on my skin/getting the hose again.

I’m a (bi) guy.

autosoma
5 years ago

does anyone know, how it can be got across that these behaviours are unacceptable and should be changed, other than the blindingly obvious of don’t get involved, but I see a lot if guys like this on a regular, if not daily basis and my blunt “stop doing it, see the error of your ways” approach doesn’t work

Scribbles
Scribbles
5 years ago

Autosama: Gotta change the culture as a whole, slowly but surely. No other way, really. I have so many Papsy/creeper stories and I’m a fucking guy. Some of them are about the girls I’ve been with (that happened while I’ve been standing right there with them), but many were directed at me. Even in gay culture there are tons of predatory men.

I’ve seen so much god awful shit from predators. Some of the shit I wish I didn’t have in my brain. It can get very, very dark, even when it’s just talk.

zoon echon logon
zoon echon logon
5 years ago

@Matthias Sommer

But in the last two articles i read on your page you used the word ‘idiot’. And tbh i can understand you using it, because it is a very strong word, and you certainly need strong words to describe the jerks you are writing about.
But it is also an ableist term, afaik. You seem pretty aware of SJ-stuff, which words to choose etc.

It’s not. The association with developmentally disabled persons occurred relatively late in its history of use, and this association depends on the primary meaning of “stupid person” rather than this meaning deriving from its association with the disabled.

Catalpa
5 years ago

I’m not sure if there’s much that will actually get across to those types, autosoma. Short of the police slapping them on the wrist for harassment, and even then it’s iffy. They seem to lack all empathy for their targets, so asking them to think about why a woman might not want an unsolicited picture of their dick isn’t going to accomplish anything. You could try asking them why, maybe. Why do they feel to treat women like this. Why do they send dick pics when they never get a positive reaction? What is the point. If they can’t come up with a better answer than “making women uncomfortable makes me feel powerful”, they might rethink their behaviour, because most people recognize that as being a super shitty reason and people don’t generally want to be shitty people.

Scribbles
Scribbles
5 years ago

Zoon: Agreed. I find it incredibly annoying when people claim “idiot” and “stupid” are ableist. They are not. Some people are just looking for meaningless shit to whine about. I’m disabled so I’ve spent most of my life around other disabled people, including the mentally disabled. Those words are not considered slurs by anyone. They’re mean, but they’re not ableist. Colloquially, I don’t think anyone intends for them to mean someone with a developmental disability. It’s usually synonymous with “ignorant person.”

I don’t mind “allies,” but when they start getting like that it’s honestly really annoying. It does damage to actual efforts in trying to move the language away from ugliness. Shit, I had someone tell me “sociopath” was ableist when that term isn’t even used medically. Shit’s absurd.

Scribbles
Scribbles
5 years ago

A good example of those efforts would include what Catalpa is talking about. We want harassment to end, but if we start focusing on absurd shit that hurts no one we’re just working justify resistance to progress.

autosoma
5 years ago

Catalpa… fair points, my half Bros have no reference point to non shitty behaviour, our dad was seriously shitty and I was fortunate enough not to be brought up by him. I have asked if it makes them feel “powerful” and that goes over the top of their heads. They also don’t realise it makes women feel uncomfortable, so I guess more its entitlement, the recipient should appreciate the dick pic, be complementary about it and immediately make themselves available. Well that’s what comes across, they also seem to be unable to comprehend and empathise with the recipients feelings. I guess because they’ve never had experience if feeling like that. I also guess why they feel they are allowed to behave like this, because that’s how they saw my step mother treated. I;ve sirt of answered my own question.

autosoma
5 years ago

Catalpa… positive reactions, interesting point. They do actually believe they get positive reactions. I haven’t actually seen the messages, but if you listen to what they say anything that isn’t a blunt FOAD is taken to be positive. Blimey, I wish I had that massively inflated opinion of myself, I was obviously brought up by the wrong side of the family.

Virtually Out of Touch
Virtually Out of Touch
5 years ago

“does anyone know, how it can be got across that these behaviours are unacceptable and should be changed”

YES.

“, other than the blindingly obvious of don’t get involved, but I see a lot if guys like this on a regular, if not daily basis and my blunt “stop doing it, see the error of your ways” approach doesn’t work”

Example from above and how I would handle it;

“During the IMing, he kept dropping comments about how I was so pretty, so helpful, so nice… It was creepy. It wasn’t super blatant, but it set my alarm bells off. I gave him a couple more resume tips and signed off. I was done. He kept pinging me on linkedin, though. Still every few days. Finally, after like a month of that, he left me one last huffy message about how “I’ve been sending you numerous messages to keep in contact but you keep ignoring me, and your phone number is out of service. I sensed you were reluctant to have a relationship with me, but I decided to approach you anyway. But I won’t be treated like this any longer. I am deleting you from my linkedin and skype. GOODBYE.”

So long, buddy. I was almost tempted to tell him that remarking on a business aquantaince’s personal appearance isn’t professional, but I didn’t, because replying would likely only encourage him, and I’d put money on the only reply I’d get would be “it was only a compliment! You’re too sensitive! Wah!” So, no. Fuck that.”

______________________

He sounds like a confused, nice FOB (fresh off the boat) immigrant who may have been genuinely interested in dating you in a non-creepy way but is going through a major learning curve in a new culture. I would have frankly told him that you found his behavior unprofessional and culturally unacceptable. I may have even given him advise on how he can approach women in his new country in a culturally-congruent way. If you found him unattractive, I would have also told him that.

Once when I was very young I was being subtly flirted with by a much older co-worker. I let it go on for a few weeks until I made it clear to him that he was old enough to be my dad and I was not interested. He let up after being firmly put in his place. By the time I transferred to a new work place and some creepy old guy said, “Wow you look hot today”, I smiled and said, “Thanks! Too bad I can’t say the same for you!” and made a point to actively compliment the young hot guys in the office that day.

Personally I’m not offended if someone at work tells me I look nice. If I think they look nice, I will return the compliment. If I find they don’t look nice, I’ll tell them that too. I think these old dudes are so used to women just not saying anything that it makes them think they stand a chance and it makes their egos huge. I’m a fan of knocking down the patriarchy one ego at time. I find that telling them directly that I do not find them attractive in the least, really shuts them up. Then if I smile at or talk to a young hot guy, particularly if he’s not white, it really pisses them off and grates their egos.

If a guy is young but awkward, particularly an immigrant or something, but he’s HOT, I’ll cut him some slack and might even offer to coach him in American social skills. Anyone more than 15 years older to me gets no slack. Particularly if they are married.

Some guys are well-meaning and might really be interested in getting to know us and sincerely dating, but just don’t know how to go about it. We need to be firm and straightforward, whether we are attracted or not, interested or not, and let them know very clearly.

Virtually Out of Touch
Virtually Out of Touch
5 years ago

“I’ve seen so much god awful shit from predators. Some of the shit I wish I didn’t have in my brain. It can get very, very dark, even when it’s just talk.”

Its estimated that what, .02% of the population is sociopathic? Very low estimate. From the internet alone I think its closer to 20-50%.

“We want harassment to end, but if we start focusing on absurd shit that hurts no one we’re just working justify resistance to progress.”

The best thing to do is address the small stuff directly yourself and very, very firmly.

Scott wrote,

“My ex-girlfriend is mainland Chinese and she used to get creepy shit like this all the time.

The worst thing was when we went to a local low-budget Comic-Con knockoff, we had this one creeper who just followed us around the whole time and eventually cornered her as she was coming out of the bathroom to chat her up about anime.

He started crying when security dragged him out, he was “just trying to be nice!’ or something.”

Why get security involved when as soon as he started following you guys, you both could have cornered him and said, ‘WE DON’T WANT YOU FOLLOWING US YOU CREEP!!!! ”

Unless someone is threatening me, I have found a lot of success in making it clear that I am not interested in being anywhere around the person. They usually feel hurt and embarrassed – GOOD! And they leave me alone. At work I’ve had old creepers go from flirting to straight business only when I made it clear “ewwww, no way could I ever find you attractive”. The human ego is fragile. Male ego probably even more so!

scott
scott
5 years ago

I didn’t really catch on that he was following us until I thought about it later, and fortunately for him security got there first.

autosoma
5 years ago

yeeeesss, but, it would be nice if my half brothers, in particular my youngest half brother could stop doing this to multiple women, I think he misinterprets being a pest with “assertive” behaviour and any response other than bugger off is seen as positive.

interestingly, on some other sites where I;ve been hyper critical of the behaviours above, I’ve had my gender mistaken. Funnily, I had an angry entitled text yesterday from Jack, because I have a gender neutral firstname saying

“Hi J…. still nothing I guess you like seeing me suffer.”

Perhaps this piss poor behaviour is now so endemic, its the only way some men know how to communicate.

Now this isn’t intended to be a “me to”-ism, rather an illustration of my point about it being endemic behaviour.

Catalpa
5 years ago

He sounds like a confused, nice FOB (fresh off the boat) immigrant who may have been genuinely interested in dating you in a non-creepy way but is going through a major learning curve in a new culture. I would have frankly told him that you found his behavior unprofessional and culturally unacceptable. I may have even given him advise on how he can approach women in his new country in a culturally-congruent way.

[…]

Some guys are well-meaning and might really be interested in getting to know us and sincerely dating, but just don’t know how to go about it. We need to be firm and straightforward, whether we are attracted or not, interested or not, and let them know very clearly.

He might very well have been a well-meaning but culturally unsavvy guy. But he gave off creep vibes to me, especially the parts where he said he called me, and that he sensed I was reluctant but decided “fuck it I want to get to know her so to hell with her comfort level!”. So, no. I trust my gut on things like this.

Also, It ain’t my fucking job to figure out how to say “no” to the guy in a way that massages his ego just right and makes him go “oh so she really does mean NO”. Guys will whine about how a girl (always a girl) wasn’t upfront about saying no. Guys will whine about girls who are too blunt in saying no. (Asshole) guys will whine about anything that isn’t a goddamn ‘yes’, because yes is what they want to hear. Humans are completely capable of hearing unsaid/soft ‘”no”s when it comes to non-sexual situations. https://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/mythcommunication-its-not-that-they-dont-understand-they-just-dont-like-the-answer/

We NEED to be firm? No. We don’t need to do anything. They’re responsible for their own damn behavior and it’s THEIR responsibility to shape up, not mine.

Catalpa
5 years ago

Also, dude was old enough to be my dad. Just in case you really need me to have a reason to reject this guy beyond “he makes me feel creeped out”.

Orion
5 years ago

VoaT, I really don’t think his being an immigrant is relevant. It’s a pretty common behavior pattern for US-born Americans, and I’m guessing for mainstream Canadians as well.

guest
guest
5 years ago

‘We need to be firm and straightforward, whether we are attracted or not, interested or not, and let them know very clearly.’

I wish I were actually able to do that, but I’ve found it to be very risky behaviour. I’ve learned that responding to an approach by being firm and straightforward about not being interested/not finding someone attractive will lead to at minimum verbal harrassment and more likely threats of or actual physical violence.

Catalpa
5 years ago

A good step in stopping these kinds of harassers would be maintaining a culture where the dude isn’t given excuses for his inappropriate behavior, and women aren’t constantly told “oh you just should have done this and then you never would have brought that unpleasant experience upon yourself in the first place =D Just being helpful!”

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
5 years ago

Also, Virtually, please don’t keyboard diagnose. “Asshole” is not a mental illness.

mjennings
5 years ago

I think I just vomited some in my mouth.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
5 years ago

Ugh! But hey, it’s on topic, so could someone PLEASE make “I need red knees” make sense? This was a message that included asking it a bow like a good whore, so yes, it was definitely sexual.

My “favorite” creep? The kind who literally just saw my pic and messaged asking me to meet them for a quickie, scroll down fuckers, somewhere between the pic and the “looking for” that does not include “casual sex”, you’ll see that I gave a nice long list of “you should go fuck yourself if”‘s (unsurprisingly, I’ve also gotten messages about nobody likes a lady that swears [again, did you make it past the pic? Cuz nobody calls me a lady!])

/rant

AnAndrejaPejicBlog (@A_Pejic_Blog)

Kitty porn:
comment image?w=840

Mieze
5 years ago

@bina

“Why are you single?”

Ew. That reminds me of responses to ads I’ve posted on Craigslist where someone asks, “why are you selling it?”

More women = things and dating = sales

epitome of incomprehensilibility

Okay, I don’t think I should have read this so late at night. All those messages are either really disturbing or really confusing. Mostly both at once.

Orion
5 years ago

Argenti,

one would get red (raw, scraped) knees by kneeling for a prolonged period of time, I should think. Particularly if one were being pushed down, dragged about, or otherwise mishandled.

Virtually Out of Touch
Virtually Out of Touch
5 years ago

Just trying to help!
Autosoma asked, “does anyone know, how it can be got across that these behaviours are unacceptable and should be changed”… so I gave my 2 cents.

“He might have might very well have been a well-meaning but culturally unsavvy guy. But he gave off creep vibes to me…So, no. I trust my gut on things like this.”

– Fair enough. You were there, I wasn’t. Always trust your gut.

“Also, It ain’t my fucking job to figure out how to say “no” to the guy in a way that massages his ego”

– Never said it was. In fact, just the opposite. I said I enjoyed smashing the ego of these creepy guys. My point was, going by what you wrote here originally, and only that, I thought he may not have been that creepy but just a culturally unaware immigrant. I’ve had experience with creepy Indian dudes and also with great Indian dudes, and they acted similar, both culturally unaware, but the intentions were miles apart.

“We NEED to be firm? No. We don’t need to do anything. They’re responsible for their own damn behavior and it’s THEIR responsibility to shape up, not mine.”

– Well I’ve had to be firm at work. And I enjoyed the reaction I got out of these creeps when I was. Total ego smash and they crawled away with tail between legs.

“Also, dude was old enough to be my dad.”

– Depending on the country, he may be under the impression that his way was the right way of going about a relationship attempt “in the west”. Sometimes they watch movies and take them literally, even porn.

”Just in case you really need me to have a reason to reject this guy beyond “he makes me feel creeped out”.

– No you don’t need any reason other than you don’t want him. And I would have made that clear to him verbally. But that’s just my approach.

“VoaT, I really don’t think his being an immigrant is relevant. It’s a pretty common behavior pattern for US-born Americans, and I’m guessing for mainstream Canadians as well.”

– Yeah. I’ve had immigrant experiences go both ways (bad and good) but if I wouldn’t have given the good guys a chance to explain themselves I would’ve written them off as creeps and missed out on some great dating experiences. Sometimes they really are clueless, especially when they come from countries where there is no dating culture.

‘We need to be firm and straightforward, whether we are attracted or not, interested or not, and let them know very clearly.’

“I wish I were actually able to do that, but I’ve found it to be very risky behaviour. I’ve learned that responding to an approach by being firm and straightforward about not being interested/not finding someone attractive will lead to at minimum verbal harrassment and more likely threats of or actual physical violence.”

– I know. It took me a few years before I was able to do it. Now I walk around in an arrogant manner at work which I think intimidates the old married creeps there. I only put on my soft sweet smiley face to the young hot dudes.

“A good step in stopping these kinds of harassers would be maintaining a culture where the dude isn’t given excuses for his inappropriate behavior”

– Exactly. And that means dealing with it as its happening. Telling them clearly, “NO this is not appropriate and I am not interested. Shove off!”

“and women aren’t constantly told “oh you just should have done this and then you never would have brought that unpleasant experience upon yourself in the first place =D Just being helpful!”

– The unpleasant experiences may come. The point is how to react? These dudes are used to women NOT reacting but just remaining silent and then blogging about it which those guys don’t read. I say, react in the moment and react HARD.

Catalpa
5 years ago

A good step in stopping these kinds of harassers would be maintaining a culture where the dude isn’t given excuses for his inappropriate behavior

Exactly. And that means dealing with it as its happening. Telling them clearly, “NO this is not appropriate and I am not interested. Shove off!”

The point of my post was that the behavior needs to be CULTURALLY condemned. As in, widely. You know, by bystanders and friends and people not being immediately harassed by assholes. By everyone.

Not that the victims of harassment are the ones on whom the onus is placed to get these assholes to stop.

ESPECIALLY not when, you know, women have been assaulted and murdered for saying ‘no’ firmly.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
5 years ago

Orion — aahhh, rug burn, rope burn’s close cousin. Idk about the front of my knees, but the backs are immune to most things short of landing hard on the trapeze!

Thank you!

Bryce
Bryce
5 years ago

While on the subject of ‘papsies’ and their behaviour, what do people think about pet names for friends or acquaintances – joke names that could be considered infantilizing – always creepy?

Catalpa
5 years ago

^naw, pet names aren’t automatically creepy. It depends on the people involved. If you know each other and your boundaries, and that everyone else comfortable with the situation, it’s fine.

If it’s some random person who you don’t know at all, it’s a pretty safe bet that pet names are a bad idea. Of course, it depends on the context. I’ll sometimes call an internet stranger “darling” or something like that, but that’s usually when I get a nice question or comment on my blog and I want to convey that I feel warmly about the person who complimented me. But that’s in response to people contacting me first. And I would stop if asked to do so.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
5 years ago

I’d say it depends on how close you are, how they feel about it, where you are, etc. If I called my brother the nickname 5 year old me had for him in public, he’d be livid, at home he just groans, calling me Argenti in person is a thing that happens, calling me particular derivatives of my legal name can range from “fuck, shorten it” to “fuck off”

So yeah, context matters, if they like the name, but it’s really “baby talk”, don’t do it in public? In private, call people whatever the fuck works!

Virtually Out of Touch
Virtually Out of Touch
5 years ago

Catalpa | October 22, 2015 at 12:05 am

A good step in stopping these kinds of harassers would be maintaining a culture where the dude isn’t given excuses for his inappropriate behavior

Exactly. And that means dealing with it as its happening. Telling them clearly, “NO this is not appropriate and I am not interested. Shove off!”

The point of my post was that the behavior needs to be CULTURALLY condemned. As in, widely. You know, by bystanders and friends and people not being immediately harassed by assholes. By everyone.

Not that the victims of harassment are the ones on whom the onus is placed to get these assholes to stop.

ESPECIALLY not when, you know, women have been assaulted and murdered for saying ‘no’ firmly.
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Well I’ll be damned if I let some old creeper at work get away with flirting with me without giving a snotty retort to cut him down.

Hate to sound ageist (but I am! in this regard at least). Now, if an old man politely says I look “purdy”, I’ll politely accept the compliment. Old men also call people “honey”, and I’m not bothered it. Its grandfatherly. But sometimes they say inappropriate things and I’ll be damned if I pass on a comeback just because a bystander isn’t around or is and doesn’t say something.

ljy2008
5 years ago

More power to this woman, more power.

scalyllama
5 years ago
Reply to  Bryce

Re: creepy friend nicknames

Coming from Australia as I do, a place where it’s considered a term of endearment (by some) to call your best friend a “dumb cunt”, I don’t actually feel qualified to make ANY judgement on this subject AT ALL.

ljy2008
5 years ago

Thank you so much! I visited the website and I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. She’s a very intelligent (and thick skinned) woman.

Shadow
Shadow
5 years ago

Is there any context behind Papsy? Like did he contact her before, or did he legit try to approach her using telemarketer/random sex site tactics with the whole “As your friend” opening gambit?