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Read legal etchings before you knead kegel stretchings: MRAs fight false accusations with baffling new condom-wrapper taglines

Condoms(1)

So Men’s Rights creeper Sage Gerard (aka Victor Zen) has decided to fight against the alleged epidemic of false rape accusations by giving out and/or selling condoms with really stupid slogans on them.

He recently popped up in the Men’s Rights subreddit to publicize his campaign and to ask for advice on which of six stupid slogans he should use. You can see them all in the graphic above. Yes, those are his real slogans.

I sort of think that we here at WHTM can do better. Feel free to suggest improved slogans below. Or make your own graphics!

Here’s one I came up with:

mrasnosex

H/T — r/againstmensrights

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kylagb
5 years ago

Will these MRAs ever stop making themselves look like fools (while thinking they are so clever) in public?
Loved everyone’s slogans, gave me a good morning laugh!! 🙂

sunnysombrera
5 years ago

@franticaps
I know right?? Likewise I read these phrases and thought: “are these the same guys who think that putting on a condom takes “too long” and means their “urges” will flee into the night?”

If you lose a hard-on that quickly, you should really see a doctor dude.

CC
CC
5 years ago

I have one: Feel Lucky You Even Got This Far

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
5 years ago

“Contains Liquid Gold”

ShakeB
ShakeB
5 years ago

Reminds me of this

Chappelle’s Show: The Love Contract: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jo4568PIRnk

Of course the comments are full of MRA garbage (never read YouTube comments)

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

So maybe this is about him trying to get rid of his big stock of expired condoms?

I never thought of that…but yeah!

That also reminds me of a silly song I once heard a long time ago, about a guy who couldn’t get laid. It was all about the lone condom languishing in his wallet. The chorus went something like this:

Circ-circ-circular impression
Leading to a state of depression
In my walla-walla-walla-walla-wallet
I can’t wait to install it

It was goofy as hell, but still much less silly than Sage Gerard’s Opus #6.

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

And whaddya know…someone saved that song!

naira8
5 years ago

Well, I’m sad now.

These slogans reminded me of lines from Time Cube, so I was going to go read a bit of it (for old time’s sake) only to find that Time Cube is no more. Shutdown as of August.

MRAs, your ignorance of Harmonic Cube is demonic.

Moggie
Moggie
5 years ago

Time Cube is gone? nooooo.gif
I hope Gene Ray (wisest human) is ok. Well, as ok as it’s possible for him to be.

AJ Milne
AJ Milne
5 years ago

So help me, I actually sorta feel bad laughing at this. It’s a bit like seeing someone on YouTube who’s just inadvertently become a meme in a particularly embarrassing manner. Stepping on a rake while (oddly) naked or some damn thing… And you get to thinking: well, they can always learn a new language, dye their hair, pay cash for an airline ticket, and start over under an assumed name, somewhere, I guess.

Cavoyo
Cavoyo
5 years ago

The second one looks like an ad for an ambulance-chasing lawyer. “Get LAID, not screwed! Call attorney Jim Balagia today!”

Orion
5 years ago

It might be for the best (that you didn’t find it, not that something may have happened to him. Time Cube used to be amusing, but Gene Ray had a staggeringly racist meltdown in 2009 and since then it just makes me cringe.

KL
KL
5 years ago

All I can think of is:

JUST BECAUSE YOU DELUDE YOURSELF INTO THINKING IT WAS A FALSE ACCUSATION DOESNT MEAN IT WASNT RAPE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE

but I don’t think that would really fit on a condom…. and breathe…

Viscaria
Viscaria
5 years ago

I’ve decided that “I want to knead your kegel stretchings” is the second most repellent thing a woukd-be lover could say to me, trailing only “I am interested in learning more about the ideas of Sage Gerard.”

Nitram
5 years ago

Cavoyo,

Totally thought the same thing! Years ago someone at work was passing around this business card condom that someone gave him. It read “if you can find a better deal, fuck it!” I’m not sure what the business in question it was. Something in sales I presume.

katz
katz
5 years ago

If you don’t want your A game to become exhibit A, maybe don’t film it.

epitome of incomprehensibility

Let’s see. #1 is bad verb usage, plus I don’t like the terminology of sex being something a man does to a woman and not something they do *with* each other. And it ties into some iffy thinking along the lines of: “Okay, men have the outy genitalia and women have the inny genitalia, therefore men are dominant and active and women are receptive and passive! Because logic!”

#2 – Clear enough, if homophobic by connotation…

#3 – But “sexually transmitted investigations” suggests that the investigation is transmitted. So if Jane sleeps with Joe and falsely accuses him of rape, then someone must have falsely accused Jane of rape (or something else) first. Unless maybe women are carriers for the investigation virus and remain asymptomatic? In any case, if it’s something they can’t help transmitting, can you really blame them? So many questions!

#4 – Um, why not be more concerned about HAVING consent? Just a little thought.

#5 – What’s the star for? I’m curious.

#6 – I’ll admit this made me laugh, but it makes no sense. (A bit ironic considering my username, but still!)

epitome of incomprehensibility

On condom slogans: an improv team I was in during university had condom wrappers printed with some of the “rules” for improv, which resulted both in funny double entendres (“Try roleplay”) and good advice (“Establish trust with your partner”).

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

#1: Thrust her…through WHAT? A plate-glass window?

#2: Eggs get laid. You won’t.

#3. How the hell does one sexually transmit an investigation? By wearing a ‘nad-cam?

#4. Recording not only kills the mood fast (“Ewwww, this guy thinks I’m gonna accuse him of rape if he can’t record me saying yes just once? PASS!”), it also doesn’t work that way. You have to keep asking permission before you go further. Once is not enough. (And who the hell records a one-time-only-for-all-time “yes”? A LOSER, that’s who.)

#5. If your “game” will land you in a court of law, ur doin it rong.

#6. What the fuck is up with that panty porn, never mind the not-so-rhymey drivel attached to it? Ew.

Tracy
Tracy
5 years ago

Is Sage Gerard a Vogon? I think so.

I vote for some good old Father Ted ‘Careful Now’ and ‘Down With That Sort Of Thing’ on all RP condom wrappers.

rugbyyogi
5 years ago

These are all so, so shit. And my immediate thought was:

“Dude, do you even font?”

chesselwitt
chesselwitt
5 years ago

“Is Sage Gerard a Vogon? I think so.”
Come on now, that’s insulting to Vogons.

freemage
5 years ago

Bina: A slight wording quibble on your post–I’d say that it’s necessary to keep receiving consent, rather than ‘asking permission’ explicitly. It’s just necessary to also understand silence does NOT equal consent in this case. If your partner is a genuinely eager participant, that should be easily discerned even without a verbal confirmation. Obviously, if there’s any doubt about the matter, then you should stop immediately and ask directly; it’s definitely better to err on the side of caution. But body language can be just as valid a means of both requesting and receiving consent, especially once the basic ‘yes we’re going to have some sort of sexual encounter’ has been passed. (I’d also say that a body language signal of uncertainty or reluctance should trump a verbal yes, at least long enough to pause and talk out whatever the issue is.)

I honestly wouldn’t bring this up at all (I’m sure you could probably write this all up better than I have), but sadly, the rape-apologist faction loves nothing more than to take statements and twist them into easily parodied strawmen.

Olive O'Sudden
Olive O'Sudden
5 years ago

I gave it some more thought and I think I figured out how ‘knead kegel stretchings’ happened: He took the words ‘pound vaginal muscles’ and then found sort-of-related-synonyms for them in a thesaurus, then translated those into another language he doesn’t know using an online auto-translator, found not-quite-synonyms for those in that other language that he couldn’t understand, and then auto-translated those back into English. It’s the only plausible scenario.

Cris
Cris
5 years ago

well on the bright side, with their irrational fear and paranoia of false accusations, it does make it less likely they’ll actually rape anyone

Ghost Robot
Ghost Robot
5 years ago

Is Sage planning to hand these out personally? Because I can’t imagine anyone willingly taking condoms from a creeper like him.

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
5 years ago

@Cris

Unfortunately, it doesn’t. The whole point of their “False accusations in my soup!” hysteria (for lack of a better word) is to spread the meme far enough that they can rape without fear – and they’re succeeding.