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kitties no trolls allowed off topic open thread

Open Thread for Personal Stuff: Mid-August 2015 Big Shoes Edition

Damn it, even my shoes are too big.
Damn it, even my shoes are too big.

An open thread for personal stuff. As always with open threads, no trolls, no MRAs, etc.

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davidknewton
davidknewton
5 years ago

Well, to open it up and as I’ve been in the habit of spamming this everywhere today, I got a game released on Steam!

http://store.steampowered.com/app/340250/

Unfortunately this isn’t very relevant to the contents of this group – in fact I realized while touching it up for a re-release that all the human characters in it were vaguely white-looking men, an example of just how oblivious people like me can be to the gender balance even if they think they’re reasonably progressive. (Come to think of it, I wonder if I can bribe some people to kick up a fuss about it so that a load of Gamergate wallies buy it as a misguided counter-protest…)

Luzbelitx - from my phone
Luzbelitx - from my phone
5 years ago

Hey everyone!

I need to say goodbye, at least for a while.

The past few day have been great here in WHTM, and out here in real lfe.

I have been spending way more time than I can afford in social networks and I need to mind my worldly affairs. The good thing is, I am resuming therapy so I can hope it will keep getting better.

Thank you David for this space, keep up the good work, because I can’t promise no to lurk around here 😉

And thank you everyone else too, keep being awesome and keep up the misandry!

I will miss you all, so have some kitties:

http://i305.photobucket.com/albums/nn214/stylistcut/small_9222104455501093369.gif

http://i133.photobucket.com/albums/q56/pamelasag61/6165.gif

http://i1215.photobucket.com/albums/cc507/chasderpton/cats-paws.gif

http://i379.photobucket.com/albums/oo235/youwh/Cats/av-104399-1224854200.gif

Kat
Kat
5 years ago

@Luzbelitx
We’ll miss you and hope you come back again and comment.

Congrats on the therapy & I hope it goes well.

And thanks for the kittyz!

Kat
Kat
5 years ago

@davidknewton
Congratulations! I’m not a gamer but it looks charming. And saving the world’s music? That’s progressive.

Wanda
Wanda
5 years ago

@davidknewton
If it makes you feel better, most of my novels are male-dominated, though to be fair, they’re pretty gay too, so there’s that. >_>

As for moi, I’m nearing six months of unemployment now, and it’s really difficult to keep a positive outlook on pretty much anything. :T After college, I got a job two months after leaving my summer job, so this time around I was thinking “hey, the economy is better and I have two years of experience, I hate this place, I’m leaving”. I guess that first time was a fluke, because i have literally had eight interviews and have had no success. Well, I did have one offer, but considering it had no benefits and the cost of living in DC is much higher than it was in Pittsburgh, I turned it down. I think that if I could go back and redo it, I probably would have taken it. It sucks ass all around.

I did manage to get one book published and another self-published, but the one has provided me with no money thus far and the other performed about as I expected– I think I sold, like, ten copies. I told myself to have zero expectations and ten is better than zero, so… yay?

I know I’m a talented artist and writer, but life has really beat the shit out of me lately so that it all feels pointless. I should just sell insurance like these people spamming my email want me to do.

I’m kinda pissed because in high school and college they force these really high expectations on you, and when you get to the real world you’re like “wow, this totally sucks”. So I’ve been dealing with this disappointment for three years since graduation and it’s gotten to the point I am envying my dog because she’s dumb and cute and goddamn it, I just want to lie around all day and occasionally roll over for a belly scratch.

kupo
kupo
5 years ago

@Wanda What’s your book? I’m always looking for an interesting read. 🙂 Sorry about the bad job luck. I hate the whole interview process, so I empathize.

Paradoxical Intention
5 years ago

Wanda | August 12, 2015 at 11:33 pm
I know I’m a talented artist and writer, but life has really beat the shit out of me lately so that it all feels pointless. I should just sell insurance like these people spamming my email want me to do.

You’re in the same boat as me then?

I have a graphic design degree, but I can’t get hired at a graphic design job because I have no experience, and I can’t get hired at places like Target or Wal*Mart because apparently I’m “overqualified”.

It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even have a phone anymore, and I’m trying to get some assistance to get one, but so far, nada.

All I’ve been able to do is make stuff to put on RedBubble, and I’ve only had two sales so far, so at least you got more than me.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
5 years ago

@luzbelitx:

It’s been great having you here. I’ve learned a great deal, not just about Argentinian politics but also about miscellaneous other matters you’ve discussed. You’re a very smart and a very thoughtful person.

I hope therapy works out for you and if you’re ever around in future we’ll be sure to say hi.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
5 years ago

@Wanda, Paradoxy:

Ugh, that sucks. I spent two years in that situation and it was deeply unpleasant and really made me feel bad about myself too. The unemployment trap of “no experience, therefore no job, therefore no experience” is a horrible situation to be in. Please accept as many hugs as you need (unless you’re touchphobic, in which case please accept as many best wishes as you need.)

It sounds like you’re dealing with it by channelling the energy into creativity, which is a useful place to put it and a much healthier way of dealing with it than I did.

NicolaLuna
NicolaLuna
5 years ago

I’m on holiday with my sister (she’s my favourite person in the world if you don’t include people I grew myself), my 2 kids and her 2 kids. We’re both single mamas and we don’t have much money so we’re squished in a tiny caravan but we’re having a blast anyway.

The only blip was that I stupidly forgot to pack my mental health medication and started having withdrawals a couple of days ago. Yesterday I had to phone my doctor to get them to fax a prescription to a local pharmacy because I was shaking and dizzy and couldn’t get out of bed. My sister picked up my meds from the pharmacy and I’m feeling much better today.

Today, the kids are going to the arcade with my sister and I’m going to the nudist beach which is only 1km away. It’s a big deal for me because I’m quite body conscious and I’m trying to push myself to be more accepting of my body.

@davidknewton – congrats on the game. That’s awesome!

@Luzbelitx – we really will miss you, I always enjoy reading your comments.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
5 years ago

My shoes are about that big, and I really need to find some new ones. I hate shopping, but thanks for reminder.

contrapangloss
5 years ago

Luzbelitx, good luck! You’ll always be welcome, here. At least, in my books.

I’m halfway through eight day workweek, and five days from seeing my puppy. Mum says he’s feeling a bit better and moving easy now that he’s on a better pain regimen. It isn’t a permenant fix, but him feeling better for now is kind of the best we can get. We’re just hoping to keep him happy and feeling good as long as we can.

In less bittersweet news: Work’s been great. My partner starts precepting tomorrow as a medic at the other station, which means he’ll start getting some hands on experience with patient care. I’m super happy for him, and not just because it’ll mean I can drive the ambulance once in a while…

I also introduced him to Twinkies. The man’s been living in the US for five years, plans to take the citizenship test in the next couple years, and had never had a Twinkie.

One problem: solved.

contrapangloss
5 years ago

… Just point of clarification: WORK partner. No other sorts of partnering are in existence, or desired by either of us.

Moggie
Moggie
5 years ago

Aren’t Twinkies part of the citizenship test?

skiriki
5 years ago

1) Next week, my birthday. My 40th year of flipping the Grim Reaper the middle finger and stating that I’m still alive.

2) Currently making beef stroganoff (with some interesting variations), and it is simmering in pot, and everything smells amazing.

3) Last week, I was kittysitting my in-laws’ cat (my cat!), and enjoyed eight days of solitude with a cat. For an introvert like me, it was as close to heaven as things can get. Orcus was an adora-pest and I spoiled him rotten with shrimp treats.

https://twitter.com/coyotedancer/status/629097666098667520

So, um, I hope sharing good stuff cheers people?

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
5 years ago

@ Lux

Aww, really going to miss you. Can I be selfish and say I hope you’re not away too long?

Good luck with everything and thank you for the education. I’ll be watching the Latin world now with slightly more enlightened eyes. Maybe we’ll see you up on that podium (or even balcony) one day! 🙂

You’ve given me lots to think about generally; thank you muse.

Nequam
Nequam
5 years ago

Turned 45 Tuesday. Feel a little equivocal about it, though I got many well-wishes online and had a nice day trip to San Francisco (also treated myself to several good books and some materials for future book projects).

Ellesar
Ellesar
5 years ago

Sitting with my son on the sofa, he is watching Great British Bake Off I am watching Prodigy videos on youtube (they are still producing music, it isn’t great, but it’s listenable). He asks me to turn it down – I point out that things really are the wrong way round!

Feeling a little raw and frustrated by leaving a few comments on MGTOW videos – I was surprised that no one abused me directly, but this wasn’t of much solace when these guys go on about how useless women are and are then ‘surprised’ when I say that I am sickened by it.

My surgery was cancelled. Both surgeons were ready to go, but there was a shortage of after care staff, exacerbated by the tube strike. I have been waiting for months, and there is no indication of when it will be rebooked. This is the second time – this time I was all gowned and stockinged.

Falconer
5 years ago

We’ll miss you, Luz, good luck!

And you must be frustrated, Ellesar. That sucks. May they reschedule you soon.

Luzbelitx - from my phone
Luzbelitx - from my phone
5 years ago

Thank you all for your kind words! I too learned (and will keep learning) from you, and it was people sharing their knowledge and experience who encouraged me to share mine, and I really enjoyed it (sharing facts about Argentina isn’t so fun when everyone in the group is Argentinean ???? )

I will be back as soon as I feel I can participate without escaping my feelings and responsibilities.

Also, big hugs for everyone going through hard times!! I was unemployed for months when my daughter was 4, and it was hard to overcome the feeling of hopelessness. My heart is with you, hang in there!!

@Alan

I have especially enjoyed our latest exchanges, so special thanks to you 🙂

One last story, though: The legendary balcony was never used again after Peron’s death.

It would take a new October Revolution to fill it, I believe. So maybe if one day I become uncomfortably powerful fo the ruling elites, and they put me in jail, all the queerfolk will come to the Plaza de Mayo calling for me.

The upper classes might mistake it for a spontaneous pride parade, though ????

Ok, this is all for now, I love you all!! Don’t cry for me, Mamotheers!
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catgirl
catgirl
5 years ago

Hey guys. I really need someone to talk to.

I went on a date with someone two weeks ago, about. We were supposed to get coffee, but he suggested to grab something to eat at a restaurant. I was hungry, so I agreed, and we had a late lunch and drinks. He was fun to talk to, so we went somewhere else after to get more drinks. I started to feel a little sick/was losing my balance from the drinking, and asked him to take me home. I don’t remember too much after that, but sexual things happened. What’s even more fucked is I remember being an active participant for some of it even though initially I didn’t want him to take my clothes off, I asked him what he was doing, I told him I was on my period and wearing a tampon (I was, which is even more gross for me). My memory is fuzzy but I remember this because when I dont want to have sex with someone, I tell them.

The next day he got mad at me for not wanting to hang out. I was hungover, felt like shit, and didn’t want to sit by the pool. I told him so, and I told him I didn’t like what happened the night before. He changed the topic.

Two days later we got ice cream. Ididn’t let him kiss me. I told him nothing wouldn’t have happened that night if I wasnt so drunk. He changed the topic. When I finally confronted him, he got really mad. He said I was making him feel bad. Why were guys always blamed in this situation, he was drinking too (he was three times my size and drank less than me). I told him what he did made me feel like shit. That if this conversation made him feel bad it was nothing compared to what I had been feeling for days. He eventually calmed down, and at one point in the evening called me his gf which freaked me out.
He keeps texting me, he tried showing up at my house the other day. I don’t know what to do. Part of me feels obligated to talk to him, I don’t know why. Another part feels afraid of him. I just accepted a job in another city that isn’t too far away, and used that to try to cut him off but he got passive aggressive with me aboutit. I feel bad about this (but am still taking the job,# fuckit)

Background on me: I was violently raped by someone I trusted at age 17. I was sober. The conversation I had with this guy reminded me of the conversation I had with my rapist after it happened.
After years of therapy, a therapist helped me realize my relationship with my mother was an unhealthy one. My mother is loving but a huge helicopter and very dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde.
I’ve developed a number of healthy and balanced friendships. But still have trust issues.
My romantic relationships have all had elements of emotional abuse and controlling behavior on the part of my partners.
I dont trust my own judgments when it comes to people given mybackground

contrapangloss
5 years ago

Cat girl, it’s a little too late now… But did you consider getting a blood test? It could have just been the alcohol, but that level of disorientation to the event seems hella sketchy to me.

Even if it was just alcohol, this guy sounds like an awful, awful dude, who just manged to hide his awfulness for your meal.

Don’t feel any guilt about cutting him out of your life.

He’s demonstrated poor judgement, feels no remorse over making you feel bad, violated boundaries, is acting inordinately possessive given your brief history, and is trying to guilt trip you into not making him feel bad for being a jerk.

You don’t need him.

catgirl
catgirl
5 years ago

I thought about the possibility but I also rarely drink so 3+ glasses of wine plus other drinks afterward could do that, possibly.

What made me really angry was how he denied how drunk I was. I didn’t mention that in my first post, but he would say,” you weren’t that drunk.” But I was. I don’t remember pieces of the night. So I was.

Ugh I feel so sick inside and so weak and pathetic. I do so much to avoid this and rarely go out. I even told him that if we continued dating I didn’t want to drink anymore, and he got angry. When I told him it’s because drinking makes me feel bad, he calmed down and said that was fine, and all I could think was that I don’t need his permission to drink or not drink.

contrapangloss
5 years ago

You don’t need his permission to not drink.

All the red flags for ‘This bloke is bad news’. From your descriptions, this is not a nice guy, in any sense, and he should not be trusted.

My ‘scene safety’ senses from my job are at red alert.

You’re an adult, and can make your own decisions. If you think it’s worth it, go for it… But I wouldn’t have anything more to do with him, and I’d do my best to make sure he can’t have anything else to do with me.

Hugs either way, and fingers crossed for you to feel safe and happy in the near future.

Congrats on the new job, by the way!

katz
katz
5 years ago

catgirl: That guy sounds seriously frightening and dangerous. You should definitely not feel like you are at fault–he’s bad news!

Wanda
Wanda
5 years ago

@kupo:

The published one is here. I wrote it when I was 19, so I wouldn’t call it a perfect feminist work, but I was trying. XD It’s a strange retelling of Pretty Woman, if Richard Gere were, like, a homocidal and controlling/abusive drug lord.

The other is mxm contemporary erotica, so it’s a bit more niche. But if anyone’s into that sort of thing: Until It Hurts. One of the main characters is a Latino dominatrix drag queen, so… yeah, aha.

Wanda
Wanda
5 years ago

@paradox:

It’s good to know there are other people struggling. Luckily I did get two years of experience at the job I quit, so I thought it should be easier than it’s been. Truth is, the graphic design field is unbelievably competitive. Most of the interviews I get are for the jobs that I’m only slightly qualified for, where as the ones I’m 100% qualified for never get back to me. I haven’t looked into a minimum wage job yet because I keep getting strung along by these interviews with no progress. I should have gone into programming or something, but hindsight is 20/20.

Have you looked into a Tracfone? That’s what I have. This way I don’t pay monthly bills. I just have to fork over 40 bucks for a card every few months, and the phones usually double your minutes for free anyway. I’m fortunate in that a) I am currently living with my parents for free (though my mother keeps saying she’s going to start charging rent) and b) I left my job with some money in the bank, so I’m not destitute yet. XD

Freelancing as an artist/writer/whathaveyou is impossible. I think it’s easier if you’re making Pokemon keychains or something, but I’m not a fan artist and it’s a constant struggle to get anyone to care about original stuff.

Thanks, EJ. 🙂

@catgirl: I’d do all you can to (safely) cut that person out of your life. Never feel guilty for getting rid of someone who doesn’t make you feel good about yourself. This mess is entirely his fault and none of yours. Decent people do not initiate sex with visibly intoxicated people. He’s fighting with you about it and getting defensive because he’s trying to convince himself he’s right, but he’s not.

Hambeast, Social Justice Road Warrior
Hambeast, Social Justice Road Warrior
5 years ago

Hi to everyone! I’m taking a break from the kitchen for a while (till the cobbler and banana bread are done). Hubby and I have his son for the Summer and all I have time for is to lurk mostly.
N-thing everyone else who said catgirl should ditch Mr. Rapey McBoundary-Pusher pronto!

Hopefully, hubby will get the job he’s having a third interview for tomorrow! Good job-getting vibes for anyone else who’s searching for work.

Paradoxy:

All I’ve been able to do is make stuff to put on RedBubble, and I’ve only had two sales so far, so at least you got more than me.

Oh, THAT’S what you mean by “buy me!” after your videos. I’ve meant to ask, but I’ve been extra busy, as I said. I’ll get me a t-shirt when hubby has a job again.

Paradoxical Intention
5 years ago

Wanda | August 13, 2015 at 2:20 pm
Freelancing as an artist/writer/whathaveyou is impossible. I think it’s easier if you’re making Pokemon keychains or something, but I’m not a fan artist and it’s a constant struggle to get anyone to care about original stuff.

Yeah, it is hard. I’ve made only two sales of stickers my entire time on RedBubble, and those were fanart stuff.

I think fanart is a great way to get people into your original work, but the hard part is getting people to pay attention to you in the first place, and that takes a hell of a lot of advertising and pushing.

Speaking of: Here’s my RedBubble if anyone’s interested in looking. [/shameless self-promotion]

Hambeast, Social Justice Road Warrior | August 13, 2015 at 2:36 pm
Oh, THAT’S what you mean by “buy me!” after your videos. I’ve meant to ask, but I’ve been extra busy, as I said. I’ll get me a t-shirt when hubby has a job again.

You mean in my video descriptions? Though, I do have links to my RedBubble in my outro. ^_^;;

And I’d appreciate your business, though I don’t know if I have anything that’d appeal to you. XD

I’ve been playing around with RedBubble’s new products though, and I have to admit, I like the new spiral bound notebooks and hard cover journals. They look really good with patterns, and with single-image things.

Hambeast, Social Justice Road Warrior
Hambeast, Social Justice Road Warrior
5 years ago

Oh, as a former graphic design student myself, my tastes range far and wide. I really adore the Witches N Stitches design! Also the cookie cats.

I am being nudged by some of the conversations I read here to expand my popular culture horizons. Probably after stepkid goes back to mom’s once school starts and I have access to the web tv again. I am curious about Steven Universe and Metalocolypse in particular right now.

Paradoxical Intention
5 years ago

I’m glad you like the Witches N Stitches design! I worked super hard on it, and it’s one of my favorites! 😀

AltoFronto
AltoFronto
5 years ago

New job is going fairly well so far, in that I think I’m semi-competent at it already. But the early starts, coffee and air con is definitely making me ill.

Catgirl – that man is a shithead, and you should run away from him very quickly.
He makes you *afraid*. He dismisses your feelings and experiences. He did sexual things to you even when you said NO, when you said you felt *sick* and *drunk* and wanted to go home. He turned up at your house and crossed your boundaries. He’s already trying to make himself the arbiter of your everyday decisions, like how much alcohol you want to drink.

I know you’re a grown adult and everything but there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING GOOD ABOUT THIS PERSON AT ALL AND YOU SHOULD NOT PURSUE ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. YOU OWE HIM NOTHING. Not even a goodbye, or an explanation.
delete all his contact info, and run far away.

Catgirl, I am so sorry this fucking asshole did not respect you enough to treat you like a human being. I’m sorry he is such an abusive piece of shit, and that he has already begun to abuse you*. Please, for the Love of Everything, trust your gut and get yourself away from this person and hang out with people who are good and kind and respectful towards you.

I am sending you hugs, because you are worth a million times more than that piece of shit will ever know.

*It’s up to you to decide whether you want to call what he did rape, and what you want to do with that information, but there are links in the side-bar that you might find helpful.
He did not seek your affirmative consent before he did sexual things with you, and that makes him a fucking skeevy bucket of sputum whichever way you look at it. It’s not your fault he tried to manipulate his way into owning you – He reeks of classic abuser behaviour and it is classic behaviour because it works. Even on intelligent, wonderful people like yourself.
The pattern only ever seems obvious when it’s not happening to you, and we’re always taught to be so polite to men.

Please take care of yourself, and fill your time with worthwhile things that make you happy, and don’t ever feel like you have to give even a second of your time to appeasing shitty men who make you feel like crap. You don’t need that in your life, go live free of their bullshit.

It might also be worth alerting people close to you about his skeevy behaviour, for safety, and if he comes to your house again uninvited, you might decide to call the cops. I’m worried he might be the kind of clingy abuser who won’t take “No” for an answer. Be safe, Catgirl.

Wanda
Wanda
5 years ago

@Paradox: Ooh, the pajamas are really cute! 😀 I’ve been on DA (self-promotion!) for ten years now, Fictionpress for six. They say if you work hard that it’ll work out, but that’s total bogus. I think all success is 80% luck and/or privilege, 20% hard work. I have written 21 full-length novels on Fictionpress in six years (I’m talking 100,000+ words each), and I’m not really doing any better now than I did when I put the first one up in 2009. I’m not gonna say I write as well as Rowling, but geez, I know I can do better than EL James or Meyer.

Being a creative person is really rough. Our work is what we really really love and yet so few care about it. It’s like having a baby that no one will even acknowledge or look at.

But hey, the thing you’ve got over me is that you live in Sacramento. My parents live in the boondocks in Pennsyltucky, which is probably one of the worst places for a liberal feminist to be. >_>

Moocow
Moocow
5 years ago

Hi everyone!

I’m currently trying to start dating again. I’ve taken a bit of a break from relationships after I had an awful experience with someone I wish I could just forget about. Now I’m a bit nervous of just approaching people in a bar and I was considering going with online dating but I’m not really familiar with which what’s out there. The two services I hear the most of are OK cupid and Tinder. Anyone with experience in online dating have any advice for where I should get started?

@PI

Do you do commissions? I’m in need of a graphic artist to make a banner for my youtube channel (shameless self-promotion incoming: I make videos where I analyze stories in video games! Check me out!). If you can draw video game characters, I’ll totally pay you and credit you!

Also, related to gaming, I finally finished transistor. Oh my god it’s beautiful and I was in tears!

Wanda
Wanda
5 years ago

@Moocow

A lot of people have online dating horror stories, but honestly, the all of three people I met were relatively nice and well-adjusted. I actually joined OKCupid to see what kind of moronic messages I’d get so that I could be mean to said morons, and all I got was one guy talking about his farts. There was one other who simply say ‘dtf?” and I replied with ire and he pulled the whole “OH I WAS JUST JOKING YOU SEEM NICE, HAVE A GOOD LIFE” Everyone else was either sending “HI” messages or relatively nice messages making it clear they read my profile. Maybe it’s because I’m average looking? Who knows. So that’s my experience with OKCupid. I hear Tinder is more for hooking up than it is serious dating, but it’s all in what effort you put into it. So I’d say just try it out for a few weeks and see how it goes.

(I didn’t end up dating any of these people because I realized I had no fucking clue what I was doing, so I quit doing that. But two of the three were very nice and if I were romantically inclined, the first one may have worked out)

sunnysombrera
5 years ago

@Catgirl
I also support the decision to drop that manipulative asshole douchbag like the sack of shit he is. You owe him nothing. Cut ALL ties, EVERY LAST ONE, tell him you never want to hear from him again, and if he chooses to contact you anyway say that you’ll track and monitor his communications. If he crosses into stalker territory you’ll have the cops on him faster than he can imagine. You don’t need to say why – in fact if you do, he’ll likely just whine and gaslight and use that reasoning against you. I’m sorry you had such a terrible encounter with him. Like others have said it’s up to you to define what he did as rape or not, but to me the whole story does reek of him taking advantage of a drunk date.

sunnysombrera
5 years ago

Ugh. It’s quarter to one in the morning and my brother is freaking out because my dad accidentally broke his laptop. A hinge has busted so that the screen won’t close. He’s insisting that the thing is unfixable and he’ll have to spend hundreds on a new computer (because apparently he “doesn’t do second hand”). I know little about these things so can someone confirm for me that laptop repair shops can EASILY fix hinges, for cheap? I mean come on.

amadangelandme
amadangelandme
5 years ago

@Catgirl: That sounds a lot like something that happened to me as well. I also remember being astounded at how fast I had gotten drunk that night and how disoriented I felt. Maybe there was something else involved too?
I wish you all the best and I think that accepting that job may be a perfect opportunity for you to escape his unwanted (and from what you wrote I gather also stalkerish?) presence and be able to heal. In no way should you feel like you owe him anything. Nothing. Nada!
Many well-wishes to you!

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
5 years ago

I think I’ve mentioned before that I have a sideline involvement in military fitness type stuff. We’ve got a regular company and a Community Interest Company. Essentially we’re trying to reach out to people who want to get more active but, for various reasons, are put off from doing so. We have a particular remit to reach out to women and young people.

Here’s a link to some blogging I’ve started doing (I’m so down with the kids!).

http://challengesandtraining.com/blog-2/

Any and all comments welcome.

amadangelandme
amadangelandme
5 years ago

I´m not new to being a feminist but I´m fairly new to policing my language so it would be very kind if any mistakes be pointed out to me.
Anyways, I am finishing my undergraduate thesis right now and I love being part of the academic environment but I aspire to search for a job and internship before I finish my degree because I feel like I have no experience whatsoever in working.
I also feel really, really great and it´s not just something that just happened but it has lasted for a few weeks now, ever since I had an HIV test (negative) done. At first I couldn´t really believe it, I was so used to being constantly afraid and feeling so dirty (although HIV positive people are in no way dirty!) and hating myself that it took me a while to truly feel myself again (meaning loving myself unconditionally like I did before I was raped).
The downside though is this: I love my parents and honestly believe that they are two of the greatest people I have ever met. BUT my sister is battling depression and psychosomatic disorder since years and she is so brave that she managed to take another step by going to a clinic for the first time. The catch is this: My parents have been trying to help her for years and had become exceedingly hopeless when she stopped contacting them (they live on another continent so just hopping over is not so easy ). I think they still have no idea how to handle the situation (which is mirrored in their fear of obesity).
And I know (because my dad basically told me so) that they rely on me being successful and happy and strong (and not overweight).
I have always known this since I was very small. I always knew that i had to perform well, but at the same time I felt as though that was unfair towards my sister because it put more pressure on her. I also tend to hide my problems from my family so that no one has to worry and none of them rally notice anything might have been wrong. And then I feel like my sister has enough to battle with so I don´t need to burden her.
I am the one consoling my parents and my sister. I sometimes feel that I am very responsible for the sanity of my family and that my family is split between my parents and my sister, and I´m the bridge in between.
I think what i´m trying to say is that I don´t have the “privilege” of being unstable in any way because my sister is right now.

Thanks for listening and I wish you all the best!

Kat
Kat
5 years ago

Sending my best wishes to everyone in a challenging situation (also known as life).

Catgirl, the other commenters had some kick-ass advice. Here’s some good advice I got once: It’s only going to get worse. I’m sorry to say something negative about someone that you had some hopes about. I know that you’ll figure out what’s best for you.

Congratulations on that new job in another city! I’m excited for you.

One more piece of advice: Make a safety plan. If you haven’t already done so, don’t give this guy your new address or the name of your new employer.

For more help with staying safe, call a domestic violence hotline.

(Here’s where you imagine a GIF of kittyz & puppies frolicking, with butterflies overhead but out of reach of the baby animalz.)

epitome of incomprehensibility

@catgirl – seconding Kat’s advice not to tell him your new address (including job address). I hope things work out better and try not to blame yourself! It isn’t your judgment that’s at fault, it’s the shitty abusive people.

@Lutzbelitx – I wish you a good break! I’ll miss you and your insightful comments.

@amadangelandme – I’m glad that the test turned out negative, but it sucks that there’s so much pressure on you. Do you have a relationship with your parents that’s open enough so you can talk to them about their expectations (maybe you can phrase it as pressure on you in general, rather than specifically THEIR expectations)? I found with my parents that discussing things calmly helps them see from my perspective, even though we often disagree. It’s too bad, though, that your parents seem to be using obesity as some sort of boogeyman. It reminds me of when my mother would tell me not to do certain mildly self-harming things (hitting my head, scratching my skin) because it “looked autistic” rather than because it wasn’t good for me. I’m not autistic, and I’ve said plenty of hurtful things to her that I regret, but still that upset me.

Go away, unfair prejudices! Flee! Shoo!

@Wanda and ParadoxicalIntention – Yeah, it’s really frustrating. For two years after I graduated I didn’t have a job except for tutoring online, which paid badly, and occasional work helping out at a library. When I did get a potential full-time job, I got fired in the second week. Last year, I’d think things like “Oh no, I’m a failure – 25/26 years old (27 now) and I don’t have a real job, what’s wrong with me?”

Partly I guess that was entitlement. At first I thought that since I had a Master’s degree (English Lit, but still) people would hand me a job of some sort.

Anyway, I have more work now, though no full-time job (or rather full-time-pay) yet, but rather three different part-time jobs.

ryeash
5 years ago

@Catgirl

As someone who took the plunge with a person like that and badly regretted it, I urge you to cut things off. You deserve someone who will help you when you’re sick, not take advantage of you. Someone who will listen and believe you when you say you’re uncomfortable or tell them what you think is best for yourself. You deserve to be your own person and have your own thoughts and make your own decisions. You deserve someone who will be a partner, not a “boss”. The way he’s treating you is as if you exist to agree with him and give him what he wants, whether you want to give it or not. It’s a living nightmare to be in a relationship with someone like him, and it’s hellishly difficult to free yourself from it. Once he has someone there to fulfil his needs and whom he can intimidate out of expressing her own needs, he’s not going to be willing to let her get away from him. Tell him to fuck the ever-loving hell off, and keep looking for the person who will make your needs his just as you do for him. If you aren’t on equal footing, it isn’t a healthy relationship.

When I first slept with my partner, I was pretty drunk. I had already decided that I wanted to sleep with him when I was sober, though, and there wasn’t a single point where I was uncomfortable or felt like he was pressuring me into anything. However, it was also the first time we had hung out, and it was an impromptu hangout at that, so I felt kind of dirty and guilty. It was worse when he left fairly soon afterwards. I ended up confessing that I was worried about what he thought of me after that night. He asked me if I thought less of him because of it, saying that he’d done no different. He considered us at the same level, even though as a woman, I am supposed to think that I debased myself by having consensual sex with someone I wanted to have sex with. He showed me that he wasn’t the type to demand respect without giving it in return. It was that moment and that response from him which made me realize what had been wrong with every relationship before him. He saw me as a person no different from himself, and he wanted to be around me because he liked me, not because of what he thought I could do for him.

You deserve that. Everyone who isn’t an abusive shit deserves that. Abusive shits deserve to be as far away from real humans as possible. Please help this one with that by getting as far away as possible. You know you’re being mistreated, or you wouldn’t be concerned; listen to yourself. You’re not imagining things or making them out to be worse than they are. This is bad. Get out.

epitome of incomprehensibility

Speaking of creative work… I’m not sure I can upload photos here without a Flikr or Facebook or something, and I don’t have an online merchant page so I’m not marketing right now… but I did make some jewelry for a town craft show this Sunday that I’m excited about!

It’s glass beads, nothing terribly costly, but I enjoy weaving them into cool patterns. I’m still trying to figure out how to make a DNA-patterned necklace. I think I’ll use oven-bake clay for the “rods” and put wire through them before baking so that they don’t fall apart. I tried using bugle beads (two on each), but then they’d bend in the middle.

epitome of incomprehensibility

(IRight now I’m in an in-between situation where I’m not officially on vacation yet – I’m traveling a little the first week of September, yay – but I also don’t have that much work since other people are on vacation. So, I can do cool things with my free time, but I also get too lazy.)

misseb47
misseb47
5 years ago

Wanda, Paradoxical and Ej-lt really is disheartening, isn’t it? After being unemployed for over 2 years I have finally got a job. I an grateful for being employed, but the job itself is menial and far from being intellectually stimulating. I seriously can feel my intelligence evaporating. It also has nothing to do with my degree. I gave spent 5 and half years at university, 2 of those on my masters studying Criminology and I work in a fucking warehouse. 🙁 Paradoxical, I totally get what you are saying about being too overqualified and not experienced enough at the same time. It has been 3.5 years since I have graduated and have pretty much gave upon finding a relevant job. It seems employers expect us to get experience by magic-inexperienced to experienced spell ** poof** fully experienced employees! It’s idiotic. So next year I will be starting my PhD. I hope this would help get my foot in the door for tutoring/teaching work at the university while I am studying, this would help me find research work or other academic work.

Wanda
Wanda
5 years ago

@misseb47 – That’s unfortunate. 🙁 However, I have the experience these people are looking for and they’re still not interested, so I’m not sure what magical quality they want from people. I even had my sister redo my resume, and it was her job for a year and a half to fix people’s resumes, so it has to be pretty much perfect. It’s so frustrating because I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. No one does, really. I’m tempted to start using a man’s name on my resume, just to see if it increases my responses. Of course, that wouldn’t do me any good cuz then they’d be expecting a man to show up at the interview. XD Thak God I’m white. /sarcasm. Also, when I do get the interview, I somehow dick it up because I get nervous and stutter a lot, and my vocabulary goes out the window. I honestly just called someone today just to set up an interview and it took me at least five tries to get out “I noticed you’re looking to fill an opening I saw in the paper”. Yeesh. I’m a mess.

It’s weird. I like to think there’s nothing wrong with me– just something inherently wrong with the system. It’s nice at least to know that I’m not alone in this. 🙂

katz
katz
5 years ago

I’m tempted to start using a man’s name on my resume, just to see if it increases my responses. Of course, that wouldn’t do me any good cuz then they’d be expecting a man to show up at the interview.

If you wanted, you could try using your initials. But mainly, unemployment sucks and it’s a vicious cycle and I’m sorry for everyone dealing with that.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
5 years ago

@Wanda:
I stutter quite badly since childhood, and I’ve found that the best way to deal with that in interviews is to stop, cut off the sentence, and then to point out that I have a stutter and apologise for it. People will normally leap over themselves to reassure me that I shouldn’t be apologising for it, which gives the whole meeting a less adversarial tone; and by having drawn attention to it as a medical thing, it stops looking as though I’m just a bashful nerd. Which I am, but they don’t need to know that just yet.

@misseb47:
Hugs on that. I feel you. My first real job was in an airline complaints centre, and was demeaning as hell. However, it really does help. Simply having it on your CV means people can tell that you’re capable of turning up to work every day, doing as you’re told and behaving yourself in an office environment. Those are all things that people value enormously.

In my opinion, our society puts a lot of emphasis on the idea that you need to go into the graduate intake of any company directly from university, and be whisked straight into the starting level of the career you plan on developing. Like most social archetypes, it does happen in some cases but exists mostly as a way of making everybody else feel bad about themselves and so work harder to catch up. The ranks of white collar workers, in my experience, are full of people who came to their posts via long and weird entry paths.

That said, I say all of that as a tall skinny white man who’s good at maths. Take my privilege into account.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
5 years ago

@Catgirl:
I have nothing to say except hugs and you don’t deserve such a shitty thing, so let me please express that most ardently. Nobody deserves that sort of treatment. You sound like a decent sort, but even if you were ShittyGirlfriend McSelfish the Kitten Kicker you wouldn’t deserve such a thing to have happen to you. Don’t feel you need to take any blame, or absolve him of any responsibility for his actions.

There is much wisdom in this collective, and many people who can give wiser advice than I, so I shall cede the floor to them on this matter.

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