As the guy behind a long-running blog devoted to, as my tagline notes, tracking and mocking some of the worst pieces of crap on the internet, I’ve come to expect a good deal of criticism from the aforementioned worst pieces of crap on the internet.
What still surprises me is that they almost never criticize me for anything I’ve actually said or done. Instead, they attack my weight and my fondness for cats. And then, evidently having run out of true things to say about me, they move on to attacking me for things they’ve conjured up in their own brain about me, most of which bear little or no resemblance to the truth.
Last week, I got an email with the urgent subject “OMG OMG ITS YOU!!!” from someone calling himself TF2leplayer. The email consisted of a rather weirdly elaborate fantasy portrayal of what, I guess, he imagines my life to be. Or, at the very least, what he would prefer to think my life consists of.
EDIT: So it turns out this dude’s email is a slightly reworked copypasta of a 4chan-related meme. Not being a channer, I’m not up on all the 4chan memes. When 4chan copypasta is virtually indistinguishable from the kind of “fan mail” I get every day, well that doesn’t say much for the originality of my assorted critics.
There he is. There he goes again
Look everyone he shitposted again! Isn’t he just the funniest guy around?? Oh my god.
I can almost see your pathetic overweight frame glowing in the dark lit by your computer screen which is the only source of light in your room giggling like a little girl as you once again type your little “MUHSOGGYKNEES” up.
I do actually have adequate lighting.
Or maybe you don’t even do that, maybe you’re such a disgusting pile of dog shit that you actually steal shit off of Buzzfeed and Polygon.
Uh, what? I guess this would be a stinging insult if I actually did steal my stuff from either of these two sites, but since I don’t it kind of falls a teensy bit flat.
So it has no more effect on me than if he accused me of, I dunno, shoplifting Whitney Houston CDs from … I dunno, wherever they sell CDs these days. Do they sell CDs these days?
Oh we all know the issue, the uh oppressed minorities isn’t it?
Uh, I thought we’d already determined that I was “typing up MUHSOGGYKNEES.”
I imagine you, little shit, laughing so hard as you as you come up with biased articles, you drop your Doritos onto the floor.
As fond as I am of Doritos, I can’t really eat them regularly. Too much MSG. Gives me headaches.
But its ok, your mother will clean it up in the morning. Oh that’s right, did I fail to mention? You live with your mother!
Ah, the classic “you live with your mother” ploy! Now, there are plenty of people who live with their parents, for assorted reasons. I’m not one of them. So, again, this insult misses me completely. And it’s pretty damn uninspired.
Kick it up a notch, dude. Why not “you live in a poop house that is made of poop and that is also filled with poop, also the furniture is made of poop, and instead of a TV you watch a poop!”
I came up with that one off the top of my head.
You’re a fat fucking fuck up and she’s probably so sick of you already. So sick of having to do everything for you all god damn day, every day, for a grown man who spends all his time on Tumblr posting about white men and trannies.
Er, what? I haven’t posted anything on Tumblr since the glory days of Confused Cats Against Feminism last year. Which by the way was quite a popular little blog in its day, though as an essentially one-joke blog it was not one destined to last. Did I mention that it got written up in like dozens of publications? T-shirts are still available!
Just imagine this, she had you and then she thought you were going to be a scientist or an astronaut or something grand, and then you became a FEMINIST.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure my mom never thought I was going to be an astronaut. Moms can sense these things. I don’t really give off much of an “astronaut” vibe.
A pathetic triggered fag of a FEMINIST. She probably cries herself to sleep everyday thinking about how bad it is and how she wishes she could just disappear. She can’t even talk try to you because all you say is “HAVE YOU HEARD OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR ANITA SARKEESIAN?”.
It’s weird, this assumption the #GamerGaters have that being a feminist requires that one worship Anita Sarkeesian. I mean, she seems cool, her videos are pretty good, and the fact that she gets endless harassment for them is fucking appalling, but I’m pretty sure I and most other feminists spend a lot less time thinking about Anita Sarkeesian than your typical #GamerGater does. She’s not actually the central figure in world feminism.
#GamerGaters and other antifeminists spend a lot of time and energy railing against feminists, but they know so little about feminism that they can’t even get the stereotypes right.
It’s as if I started mocking Italians for their love of lutefisk and their excessive flamenco dancing. I would get odd looks, and no one would actually be insulted.
You became a parody of your own self. And that’s all you are. A sad little man laughing in the dark by himself as he prepares to indulge in the same topic that he’s done a million times now.
Again, I have more than adequate lighting.
Oh, and that’s all you’ll ever be.
That turns out to be a somewhat ironic ending to this weird little missive.
Because when I click on the email address of Mr. TF2leplayer, I am directed to a rather sparse Google+ profile. The only thing of note I find there is a conversation Mr. TF2leplayer had in a YouTube comments section a year ago.
Mr. T started off with a complaint:
And then this conversation ensued:
I’m just going to cut it off there, because it gets worse, much worse.
Now all this — what I’ve quoted and what I haven’t — doesn’t actually tell me anything about PewDiePie, video gamer and YouTube personality.
But it does tell me something about Mr. T. Namely, that he likes to go around accusing people he doesn’t like of things that aren’t true. And that he especially likes accusing people of being gay and living with their mother (not that there’s anything wrong with it). That’s not even as funny as the old standby: “You’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny.”
Seems like a sort of pointless and pathetic way to spend your life.
But what do I know, sitting n my room in the dark, giggling like a little girl and waiting for my mother to bring me another bag of Doritos?
MOOOOMMMMM!!!
DORITOS!! NOW!!!!!
Cosigned, yet another feminist scientist (and a woman to boot!)
Thanks for going through all the garbage you do for us. These people want to be hated – they really despise being made fun of.
“Yo listen up, here’s a story
About a little guy that lives
In a poo world
And all day and all night
And everything he sees is just poo
Like him, inside and outside
Poo, his house, with a poo little window
And a poo corvette
And everything is poo for him
And himself
And everybody around
‘Cause he ain’t got nobody to listen
I’m poo, da ba dee da ba dye
da ba dee da ba dye
da ba dee da ba dye
da ba dee da ba dye
da ba dee da ba dye
da ba dee da ba dye
da ba dee da ba dye
I have a poo house with a poo window
Poo is the color of all that I wear
Poo are the streets and all the trees are too
I have a girlfriend, and she is so poo
Poo are the people here that walk around
Poo like my corvette, it’s in an outside
Poo are the words I say and what I think
Poo are the feelings that live inside me”
Apologies if that happens to break any of the revised policies, but I couldn’t resist once I read the “you live in a poop house” bit.
For those who don’t know, the email Dave received is a play on this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6UydqWS01g
HEhead those who install HEposting.
*insult
The best part about pathetic shibboleths like “muh soggy knees” is that I know I can instantly disregard everything the douchecanoe is saying.
Being an astronaut is apparently not all that glamorous.
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/329/nice-work-if-you-can-get-it?act=0#play
I cannot believe this story was aired in 2007! I remember it very clearly.
Apparently they have to fill out a transport authorisation when they fly in the space shuttle. ‘Government provided–other.’
OK, not that vividly–it’s ‘government–air’.
Ira Glass
OK, so it’s the day you get back from a shuttle mission, are there special weird forms that you have to fill out on that day?
Cady Coleman
Well, there is a travel voucher. You know, we work for the government, all of us. And there is some government thing that says, when you’re traveling, you will be paid for just the fact that you are gone from home, and there must be something you had to buy.
Chris Cassidy
Oh yeah, the $3.50 a day thing.
Ira Glass
It’s $3.50 a day?
Chris Cassidy
I think that’s the government, what they call meals and incidentals rate.
Marsha Ivins
So if I’m going to Washington, DC to go to NASA headquarters, it authorizes me the mode of transportation, you know, commercial air, or train, or taxi, or whatever when I’m there. So when we go to space, we get travel orders that authorize us to go from Houston to the Kennedy Space Center to Earth orbit and return.
Ira Glass
Wait, and is there a place on it where it says, like, taxi, jet, space shuttle? Like, is that an actual box you fill in?
Marsha Ivins
It’s government air.
Ira Glass
Government air?
Marsha Ivins
It’s government air. And then lodging is provided, transportation is provided, meals are provided.
@ Guest
Yup, and it’s not a new thing.
http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–TBLBBGrJ–/c_fit,fl_progressive,q_80,w_636/1367417808871911718.png
“Just imagine this, she had you and then she thought you were going to be a scientist or an astronaut or something grand, and then you became a FEMINIST.”
And did this guy end up as anything better? Spending time on the internet going off on ridicules rants that make no sense and are on top of that some vile shit?
My favorite “being an astronaut isn’t all glory and freeze dried ice cream” story is the bit in one of the Apollo transcripts where they argue over whose poop is floating around in the capsule.
Or the guy who snuck a corned beef sandwich on board, then complained he couldn’t stop farting during an EVA and didn’t know his mic was on.
I find it endlessly amusing to see the oh-so-witty people making “you’re fat and you live in your mom’s basement and also you’re fat” jokes being outwitted by the (actually witty and creative) people they are trying to insult. Thanks for another hilariously written article, David.
@dslucia1
Goddamn you, now it’s stuck in my head. With your lyrics.
@ binjabreel
The corned beef chap was John Young; he did get quite a bollocking for that. Although by all accounts the other astronauts were just relieved he hadn’t brought cigars.
I think that book is well above his reading comprehension level.
A scientist or an astronaut? Is an astronaut not a scientist?
Also, I thought the stereotype was about Cheetos, not Doritos. And yes, spicy nacho Doritos are delicious. I also liked Salsa Verde, but they unfortunately discontinued them.
@Anarchonist
Sorrynotsorry.
Music videos for that song would be way different if it had those lyrics, though.
Vanir:
I call that a superpower.
> The only quasi-famous homosexual old enough to have a real job
So… Elton John, Neil Patrick Harris, Rob Halford, George Takei, Alan Cumming*, Roland Emmerich, Stephen Fry, did they all stop existing? And the implication that Pewds doesn’t have a “real job” is kinda laughable when he’s making literal millions doing stupid videos for YouTube. I’d kill to get in that position.
*I know Alan’s bi, but I doubt this joker bothers to make the distinction.
I suspect Muh Soggy Knees also has an element of “ha ha feminists on their knees ready to do the blowjobbing amirite amirite har har har.”
@WWTH
I think it was Carl Sagan who said “Our first scientist on the Moon was also our last scientist on the Moon”
He was lamenting that most of the Apollo astronauts were pilots (although I’d suggest orbital mechanics has a scientific component; you throw the hammer forwards to speed up; how’s that work?)
Of course, nowadays a lot of astronauts are scientists but it’s probably true that the majority of people sent into space are primarily there just to keep the craft functioning with the science package as a secondary element.
I guess Tim Cook doesn’t exist to this guy… you know, the first ever openly gay CEO? I’d like to hear him argue that that doesn’t count. No, wait, I wouldn’t, because this guy can’t argue anything worth beans, and I do not want to hear him ranting about “f*****s” for hours on end.
(I don’t know why my brain jumped to Tim Cook. I guess I’ve been reading the Macalope too much…)
I can’t imagine what an angry person you would have to be to waste your time insulting people with whom you disagree. There are lots of times I think horrid thoughts about a person I find despicable, but I don’t waste my life constructing elaborate missives, nor do I spend much energy imagining their lives at all. I read an article, not the horrible nature of the individual, make a mental note that that person is horrid and move on. The next time I encounter their horrific thoughts, I think “I’m not surprised. That’s the horrible person that said/did those horrid things.”
And frankly, you could be fat and stupid and ugly and live in your parents’ basement where you feed yourself nothing but snack foods and your argument could still be valid. Your mother may indeed cry herself to sleep about you, and your argument could still be correct.
@Alan OMG it actually says ‘moon’ on it.
Funny, I’m actually a graduate student in a STEM field (which doesn’t prevent me from also being a history nerd). Many of these far right guys aren’t anywhere near what they want people to think their qualifications are in hard sciences.
…writes the sad little man, laughing in the dark by himself, as he…
…well, you know the rest.