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kitties no trolls allowed off topic open thread

Open Thread for Personal Stuff: Late July 2015 Kitten Hug Edition

I would go
I would go “awww” but I think that’s more a headlock than a hug.

A somewhat overdue open thread for personal stuff. (The open thread for everything else is over here.)

As is always the case, NO TROLLS, NO MRAS, etc., be nice.

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amadangelandme
amadangelandme
5 years ago

Hi everyone! I follow this blog since a while, but I´m new to the comments so please bare with me!
All of you people are so brave and I wish you all the best =)
So I was afraid of having gotten HIV from the man who raped me and it took me two years to finally get the courage to have a test done (has it ever happened to you that the word “negative” is the most awesome thing?) and I learned so much on how uninformed I was about HIV and what the treatment makes possible, and that the social stigma surrounding it is so baffling. I also had my first one-night stand and it was consensual, and glorious, and I feel entirely happy about it.
The problem is that my roommates started making “jokes” about how I met him (going home from a party) and what he works as (a “common” smith), and at first I would laugh about it as well but after a while I realized that they meant it and were actually slut-shaming and classicist. They were slut shaming me!
And it hurt a lot, because for the first time in two years I had felt so good about myself and not dirty, and I never thought about the rape while having sex with my one-night stand (which I did in the relationship I was in while I had been raped). I want to tell them how much it affects me but I don´t know how to. I´ve also come to realize that they are in general prone to slut-shaming, exemplified by one friend who likes to have a lot of casual sex of which my roommate would say she “tarnishes the image of the company”. I try to explain that having consensual sex is never bad and that it has nothing to do with work, and I like to think that maybe I got through even a little bit =)
Thanks for listening!

Luzbelitx
5 years ago

Welcome amadangelandme, and have an Official Welcome Package!!

I’m sorry you’re going through all this, and I think you’re very brave for pushing back against slut-shaming.

I hope things get better with your room mates, and I hope you find more people who share a more positive idea of sexuality.

Also, this is how I wish they reacted to the news:

contrapangloss
5 years ago

Hi, amadangelandme!

Super glad on your behalf that the tests came back negative. I can imagine the stress and terror from not knowing if you’re infected with a life altering disease, and the fact that you had to worry about that on top of the trauma from the event itself…

…all the hugs.

Also, condolences on your room-mates being willfully asinine with the classism and shamingness. That’s got to be super frustrating and hurtful. From the sounds of it, you’ve been dealing pretty well and trying to get through to them.

Maybe just lay it out short and simple?

“Hey, could you please quit with saying [slut shame-y thing]? You saying that kind of thing is painful for me to listen to and it hurts to know a friend of mine thinks less of me, which is what such statements as [their slut shame-y joke] imply, for doing something that helped my mental state.”

I’ve never really been in the relationship/sex boat, though, so take it with a grain of salt. The only conversation I ever had to use the above type structure on was… um… something a bit different. Kind of a ‘nope to relationships!’ boat, thing, really.

amadangelandme
amadangelandme
5 years ago

Hi Luzbelitx and contrapangloss: Thanks for your reply!
I will actually move in with my sister once I finish my thesis, who lives with two guys and all of them are very anti-slut shaming and accepting =)
I´ll definitely try to formulate it as simple as I can since they don´t know about the rape and I don´t feel comfortable telling them. Also I tend to have very emotional responses so short sounds great!
I hope you have a great weekend =)
PS: I want a casual-sex kit right about NOW =D

gilshalos
5 years ago

I cried and screamed earlier. I really…I cried and screamed and just wanted it all to stop. I know people here will understand that.

gilshalos
5 years ago

Not crying would be good. And I’m trying.

gilshalos
5 years ago

I did scream very loudly. My voice might even have been thought nice, but really it was screaming. And there was crying for ages. I just couldn’t stop.

gilshalos
5 years ago

I just want someone to say they understand. Oh goddess I still want to scream. I wish someone could hug me meatside.

gilshalos
5 years ago

I’m crying again

andiexist
andiexist
5 years ago
Reply to  gilshalos

@gilshalos

I understand. I don’t get it quite so bad, but that sounds a lot like how I felt last night. I can’t give you meatspace hugs, so have a turtle.

http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/2014-05/enhanced/webdr05/23/12/enhanced-buzz-21295-1400861067-12.jpg

Myriad
Myriad
5 years ago

@gilshalos

May I offer you a internet hug and/or cute fuzzy thing (pulls up barrel of kittens and other assorted cute fuzzy things). Anyone else who needs a hug is welcome to one as well.

Lamb
Lamb
5 years ago

Hi. I am Lamb, a 21 year old kisseless virgin male who posts on a few websites with extremist views.

When i joined the first extremist website called sluthate my life was a mess and i was suicidal. At that time i had 0 friends and i had abandoned my studies due to suffering from a severe depression. I had a strong hatred towards women and i was idolizing Elliot Rodger but i never considered actually killing someone.

Well a few months have passed since then and my life has improved a bit. I now have a group of friends and about half of them are females. Having female friends made me hate the gender less but i continued to make extremist statements online.

Up until two days ago i would convince myself that my online statements are just me expressing my anger and that i do not share those beliefs anymore. But now i am not so sure anymore and i am afraid that i might secretly hate my female friends.

As if being confused is not bad enough i have a lot of stalkers ready to ruin my private life. I fear that my female friend who views me as her brother will learn about my dark female hating side. Last time i was outside with my friends i told them that i have to go and i ran away. Now i am staying away from them for a while because i feel terrible.

A part of me considers suicide as i barely have a reason to live at this point. I hate myself and i fear i might disappoint the people who were so kind to me.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
5 years ago

Hi Lamb

Might I make this suggestion; at an appropriate time come clean with the most understanding of your female friends; maybe the one who regards you as a brother. Explain, as you have done here that you once held views but you now recognise those views were wrong. You can explain that they were as a result of ignorance and that your new friends have helped you realise how wrong those views were.

I don’t know what’s going on inside your head; there’s no way I can. It seems unlikely though that you can secretly hate people who you get on with so well now. Perhaps it’s just confusion or some projection based on your feelings about yourself? or maybe it’s a defence mechanism. You feel that if you’re ‘rumbled’ your new friends will reject you so you’re jumping before you’re pushed as it were.

If you come clean there’ll be no reason to fear that. Your friends may be shocked at first but I suspect that once you explain they will understand. They may even be flattered that
they’re the ones who showed you the error of your ways by demonstrating that there’s no reason to hate women.

Give it a go; I’m sure you’ll feel much better when you don’t have to keep all this concealed for fear of being found out.

Lamb
Lamb
5 years ago

@Alan Robertshaw

I called myself lamb purely because there is so much material based on my other nickname online. I would say i have made between 2000-3000 posts online and about 15 videos. If i come clean now there will be a lot of explaining to do and i fear that people will think that i am just trying to save my skin.
Apart from having messed up beliefs i made up many stories online. I even lied about assaulting a woman and described the thing in a great detail.

At some point i had to tone down my outrageous stories before someone would call interpol on me.

It’s best i try to sweep my online history under a rug because there is no way that anyone will take my side on this. I believe that you would be disgusted by me if you saw the things i have said online.

I mostly fear that the girl i care about will think that i faked my kindness and concern towards her. She mentioned that she is not used to people being kind to her and that really made me feel odd.

I am actually considering staying away from my friend’s lives. I changed my number and i deleted my facebook account and i gave everyone a fake adress so i could avoid them forever if things go south.

I just can’t face them not after what i have done. I need a rehab anyways as i am addicted to a few sorts of drugs but mostly just ecstasy and alcohol. Ectasy is giving me some real ups and downs. It makes me happy and depressed at the same time.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
5 years ago

@ Lamb

Disgust isn’t something I ever feel; for various reasons I’m pretty de-sensitised. It may be that some people will find your previous output disgusting, *some* people may project that disgust onto you. However there will be people who can accept that that was the old you and you’ve changed, or are at least trying to change.

The fact that you come clean when you didn’t have to will help reinforce the argument that you genuinely have reformed.

History is full of examples of people who learn the error of their ways. Religious folks could no doubt give some sermon about the prodigal son or that bit about god being happier about one reformed sinner than 99 goodie goodies. I’m not religious myself but I think those stories reflect a general human condition that people do believe in redemption.

You can recant and repent. Test the waters with that friend. Hopefully she’ll understand; if she doesn’t you’ll have to accept that but it’s better than (a) living a lie or (b) cutting yourself off from human company forever.

Some people may well give you stick about your previous life but I think you may be surprised how forgiving people can be if you genuinely aren’t that person any more.

gilshalos
5 years ago

Beautiful turtle! Feel better now I slept. But that is always going to be a wonderful turtle

contrapangloss
5 years ago

Glad you feel better, Gilshalos!

Lamb, you can always at least start coming clean. People can’t forgive unless they’re given an option to, and at the very least you wouldn’t be digging more holes for yourself.

Ultimately, it’s up to you.

contrapangloss
5 years ago

Going to work tomorrow, after a full day of ‘playing’ today. We burned a house down, on purpose, for training purposes.

I got to be on three fire attack teams, two Vent/Enter/Isolate/Search teams, and two RIT/Ventilation teams before we finally decided to do the final lighting. It was great fun, and great training! We now know a little better what we can and can’t do, and what we need to work on, and it was super fun.

But… I’m going into my ‘work week’ already a bit tired and sore, so wish me luck?

alaisvex
alaisvex
5 years ago

@Lamb,

Coming clean to your friends is probably the best course of action. As Alan said, people who know you can be surprisingly forgiving if you’ve really changed and they believe that you have. It’s certainly better than continuing to lie about your past, have the guilt about it eat at you inside, and lose touch with people whom you genuinely do care about, one of whom you’ve apparently helped quite a lot, and who have influenced you for the better. I’d also suggest continuing to get help for your other issues too and trying to examine more thoroughly why you felt the need to lash out about women online like that. If you can understand it, it might help you move past it.

weirwoodtreehugger
5 years ago

In two weeks I should be able to afford a new laptop! My current one is 5 years old. Lately, watching Netflix for an hour causes it to overheat and crash and I’m constantly losing internet connectivity and having to unplug and plug back in, the router. I can’t wait to get a new computer. There’s a ton on Amazon for under $300. Hooray!

But, I’m ignorant about computers. Does anyone have a laptop recommendation? I’m used to Windows, so I’m probably going to just stick with that. My needs are pretty simple. I just need the internet and a disc drive to watch DVDs on. Nothing fancy. I’m thinking I can get a deal on a 2014 model and that will be fine. But it’s overwhelming. I have no idea what I should get.

gilshalos
5 years ago

I’m kinda being mad here. I’d like there to be someone meatside to be mad with. I am not screaming anymore. I just can’t focus much. Though I am watching Doctor Who the reprise with the 9th doctctor

gilshalos
5 years ago

OK, seriously. The Psych I saw said I was not depressed. So…on her orders I cut down my anti-depressants. And three days later I am screaming and crying non-stop. The people who actually know me, including a doctor, are unanimous in saying I take my old dose of meds and go see my gp again.

cupisnique
5 years ago

@ amadangelandme

I think you should feel very proud of yourself that you were able to reclaim your sexuality and take that power back for yourself. It’s possible your friends wouldn’t be saying the things they are if they knew exactly what this accomplishment meant to you, but it still doesn’t excuse their shittiness.

I don’ really have great advice, but sometimes you have to cut people out of your life if they are causing you harm. Friends should want to build you up, not tear you down.

I had a friend that did something similar. I hadn’t dated in two years and met someone at a club (although I didn’t go home with him, partially because I didn’t want to be “one of those girls”) and we started seeing each other. But, my friend purposefully insulted him in front of other mutual friends by referring to him as “Pedro” because apparently he looked slightly hispanic to her (even though his mother was white and his father was black). I told her to stop a bunch of times and she continued and it really just drove home that this pattern of behaviour was actually not uncommon for her so I cut her out of my life and have never regretted it.

Myriad
Myriad
5 years ago

@gilshalos

I’m sorry to hear that your having this trouble. Yeah, I’d be mad too. I agree with your circle and your doc. If the meds were helping, keep taking them and see your GP. It can be really frustrating working out a regimen that works for an individual sometimes, especially when you have someone giving contradictory diagnoses and advice. Ugh!

gilshalos
5 years ago

https://www.facebook.com/StoriesOfSolitude/photos/a.10151331214320308.1073741825.9892790307/10152175551955308/?type=1

*eyes the state with the main cause of death as ferrets. Eyes David Eyes the state again* 😛

gilshalos
5 years ago

Yes, I’m taking the meds and feeling better

Falconer
5 years ago

I’m glad you’re feeling better, gilshalos.

Me, I just had a crying fit in the middle of my office. The proximal cause is that Beloved abjectly apologized to me that she let the babbies nap until 4:00 today.

The reason that she feels like she needs to abjectly apologize to me is that I openly celebrated the fact that they didn’t have a nap, either of them, a couple of days ago. It was only a brief moment and wasn’t more than going Yesssss! at the prospect of having a couple of hours of free time that evening because the babies wouldn’t take me until 10 to put to sleep.

An underlying thing that’s been making me sad all week is that my parents are getting older and, one day, I’ll wake up and it’ll be the first time in my life I have to remind myself that I am an orphan.

One day my kids will have to wake up and go on without me.

I get to thinking about that and I just kind of sit there and do nothing for a while.

Ellesar
Ellesar
5 years ago

If Lamb is still reading I have a few words:

I am the mother of 2 boys near your age, who like you lack sexual experience, unlike you have not felt hatred towards girls and women. I am telling you that just to give you an idea of where my perspective comes from.

Let go of the ‘you would be disgusted if’. Yes, maybe some would, but most of us have done things that we wish we hadn’t. What matters is that you want to be a better person, and that you are now seeing girls and women as people rather than targets for your anger and frustration.

Move on, do not visit extremist sites and stop making hateful comments. The further you get from the behaviour the less you will brood on it as part of who you are/ were.

PS I have visited Sluthate. TBH I found it pathetic and rather funny, rather than disgusting. Extremism often is absurd.

contrapangloss
5 years ago

I’m kind of having an awful start to my days off work.

I just got a call from my mom, over 1000 miles away, so she could tell me that my Bailey (spaniel/lab pound pup, about 6 1/2 years old but thinks he’s a puppy) just got diagnosed with bone cancer.

He started having shoulder pain in May, but x-rays didn’t show the mass at that time. My parents and the vets kind of just figured he’d pulled a muscle, again, because he’s done that a few times before.

It wasn’t.

I’m a mess, because I’m probably only going to get to see my boy for one more week, when I fly up to visit them in a few weeks, which is the only time I can visit until end of December.

It’s not curable, and is a super aggressive cancer.

If they amputate his leg now, the vet thinks they could (maybe) buy him until next May. Dogs usually are able to adjust to limb amputations fairly well, but he has a weak hind leg, and if we amputate the front, he’d more than likely sprain that one, and be unable to move. He lives to run and swim. He gets sad if he can’t have at least a mile and a half of walking every day. That would be super rough for him.

If they started chemo, they could (maybe) buy him until July, but he would be anemic, tired, nauseous, and miserable the whole time.

With pain management, they (may) be able to buy him til Christmas, but more than likely he’s only got til Thanksgiving.

I’m a mess. He’s my baby, who I haven’t got to see since a 2 day trip home last May.

I’ve already been missing his fuzziness all summer, and this is super hard to accept.
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weirwoodtreehugger
5 years ago

I’m so sorry Contrapangloss. Losing pets is always so hard.

dhag85
5 years ago

@contrapangloss

Oh no, that’s terrible. 🙁 He’s such a pretty boy. I’m sorry this is happening.

We lost two cats in our closest family last year, including one that we hadn’t been able to visit in over a year. It sucks when life forces you to be separated from your pets.

dhag85
5 years ago

Something completely different, and a long long shot: Does anyone here play Pro Evolution Soccer? The new version is coming out in a little over a month, and I would love to play against/with a human opponent again. I stopped playing these games in 2008 or so, and just recently picked up last year’s version (loved it). Playing against the AI is fun, but human opponent is different. I’d love to invite a friend to play with me but uhhh I guess I don’t have any friends anymore? It’s normal not to have friends when you’re 30, right? Right?

ej
ej
5 years ago

So, yesterday was my birthday. I wore a pretty dress, went shopping in town, and got to go to the Kitty Cafe. It was a lovely day, except for one tiny event.

After my day in town, I took the bus to a friend’s house for dinner. The bus wasn’t due to leave for a few minutes and there was no one else waiting for it, so I had a conversation with the driver. He asked where I am from (because as an American living in the UK, my accent gives me away immediately). I told him where I was from, that I’m here for my PhD and that it was my 31st birthday. He then asked, “So, no family? No kiddies?” I, of course, replied “no” because I’m not married and don’t have kids and he replied with, “Awww…bless you.”

Thankfully, another person got on the bus so I could end the conversation. I got to my stop and as I was getting off the bus, the driver asked if I took the bus everyday. I said no because I don’t and walked away. As I headed to my friend’s house, I realized that he was trying to figure out if he would see me again. It really creeped me out because he gave me pity for being unmarried and then wanted to see me again. So, just because I’m 31 and not married, I must be desperate and will jump into a relationship with anyone who looks at me twice.

For the record, I am in a relationship. We are planning on getting married. I even wear a non-traditional ring on my left hand. (My partner has a matching one that he wears on his right hand to avoid awkward questions) I didn’t mention this during the conversation because it didn’t seem relevant until he started giving me pity for being “single,” at which point I didn’t want to continue the conversation any way.

MY RELATIONSHIP STATUS IS NOT THE MOST INTERESTING THING ABOUT ME!
Based on the information I gave him, he could have asked me a million other things. What are you studying? Why did you choose to come to the UK? Where have you traveled in the UK? What did you do for your birthday? And so on, and so on…

But, no. It’s much more important to establish that I’m unmarried, so there must be something wrong with me.

I put it out of my mind yesterday so that I could enjoy the rest of my birthday, but the more I think about it, the more it pisses me off. It’s not a huge thing, but it’s the little things like this that really undermine women. It says that my relationship (implied as a relationship with a man) is more important than anything else. I am not a whole person unless I have a man. Nothing else I’ve done matters as much as getting married and having kids.

There’s a word for that: Bullshit

Sorry for the TL;DR. I just needed to tell someone about this. I also submitted the story to Everyday Sexism because sexism is not always as obvious as catcalling.

dhag85
5 years ago

@ej

Pretty much the perfect example of someone who’s only “interested” in women insofar as they can serve as partner/marriage/sex material. Sadly it’s the type of annoying behavior that I find most dudes don’t see any problem with.

ej
ej
5 years ago

@dhag85

I think that’s what really annoys me. This kind of behavior is so normalized. Undermining women and their achievements in this way is accepted and, in some cases, even encouraged. A lot men don’t realize how the little things like this really add up to tell women that they aren’t worth anything unless it is in relation to a man. Fuck that shit. I have accomplished so many things on my own. Yes, my partner (who is a man) does support and encourage me just as I do for him, but my accomplishments are still mine. I can do so much more than be someone’s wife or girlfriend.

dhag85
5 years ago

@ej

I can do so much more than be someone’s wife or girlfriend.

This alone pisses MRAs off to no end. It can’t be stated often enough. 🙂

—–

Tomorrow I’m taking both cats to the vet for vaccinations. Is it wrong that I look forward to it, since even though I know they will be scared on the subway/bus I still think it’s too cute when they bother everyone with their constant meowing?

ej
ej
5 years ago

This alone pisses MRAs off to no end. It can’t be stated often enough. 🙂

Thanks dhag85! It makes me a feel a little bit better that I piss them off just by existing.

Good luck with the cats tomorrow. I’d be so excited if I knew there were kitties on the subway with me!

dhag85
5 years ago

The cats hated it, but now we’re home and safe again. The cats also got yelled at by some mean woman who thought they were making too much noise. I held the cat carrier up to her face until she walked away. Why do people have to be assholes?

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
5 years ago

Namesake:
Happy birthday! Also, commiserations on the annoying misogynisy. There are vastly more interesting things in anyone’s life than the nearest proximal Y chromosome to it, and I’m sad for him that he couldn’t see it. His life must be poorer as a result.

I’m also worried now, because when I registered here I added (the other one) to my name to differentiate myself from you. Now it turns out that we’re both 31 year old foreigners living in the UK. This is more than can be explained by easy coincidence.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
5 years ago

*misogyny. I can the spell, honestly.

ej
ej
5 years ago

Thanks EJ!

Those are some interesting coincidences!

Where are you from originally (if you don’t mind me asking)? I’m originally from Indianapolis, but I’ve found that it’s easier to say “the middle bit” when people ask which part of America I’m from.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
5 years ago

I’m originally from Johannesburg, although I’ve lived outside South Africa for most of my life.

Welcome to being 31. It’s an awesome age. I plan to linger for a while.