On Reddit’s Ask The Red Pill subeddit, a fellow called ThreeEyez comes to the group with a romantic conundrum:
I’ve known some guys to say that they just chill with a girl and just ask her for some head so they don’t have to kiss her. Usually I figured you have to escalate with a chick like make out with her, get her horny, etc. In my case, thats what I usually have to do. Has anybody else had success in just asking?
While one rude fellow tries to derail the conversation with some totally irrelevant comments (“You don’t enjoy kissing? Perhaps you suck at kissing”) others rally and give young ThreeEyez some highly useful advice.
As the Red Pill collective see it, there are many correct ways to handle the whole “how do I get my dingus in her piehole tout suite without breaking frame or having to kiss aforementioned icky piehole” question.
Here, inquiring fellows, are eight of them, none of which require treating the piehole-haver as an actual human being, and only some most of which could possibly get you arrested for indecent exposure and/or sexual assault.
1) The Pull Out the General Method
“Avoid asking her for anything, that’s not the red [pill] way to go. It’s better to be declarative, whip out the general, smile at her and go with somethin’ sultry like ‘this is where you suck my dick beautiful…'”
2) The Stick it in Her Face Method
“Stick it in her face and say ‘suck my dick.'”
3) The “Wassup” Method
“[P]ulling it out and looking her in the face or pulling it out and saying, ‘Wassup?'”
4) The Excuse Me While I Whip This Out Method
“I just whip it out. She usually knows what to do with it. If she backs off, well then you weren’t going anywhere with her anyway.”
5) The “Eyes Have It” Method
“Look into her eyes, hold eye contact 5 sec. then turn my head to my dick, this results in ‘she knows. i know. my dick knows. her pussy knows’.”
6) The Unbutton Unmethod
“I just stand close to my wife and unbutton my pants, she knows what to do.”
7) The Shove Her Face in Your Junk Method
“You shouldn’t have to ask. I usually just use my body to get her there. If she doesn’t want to suck your dick she either has hang-ups with cock, or she’s probably not that into you.”
8) The Shove Her Hands In Your Pants Method
“[P]ut their hand down your pants when your dick is hard or halfway hard and theyll know whats up. thats what i do. literally been sitting on the couch w my gf and did that. worked. i only date girls who are pretty cool usually and not annoying cunts i want to kick in the face.”
What a romantic!
NOTE: As this is the Ask The Red Pill subreddit, you need to remember that phrases like “I usually” and “I just” should be generally taken to mean “I saw this in a porno” and/or “I desperately wish this were true.”
Do people today have no sense of delayed gratification?
As Ridley Scott is fond of saying (albeit in a different context), “What’s wrong with a bit of build up?”
*Goes of to mutter about “the youth of today” and “easy credit”*
Do we need any more evidence that these guys are all virgins? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
*Adds that to the list of things women are called by Red Pillocks*
Why the fuck wouldn’t you ask a woman how to approach a woman?! You’d get some good advice! Granted, not all women are the same, and sometimes what works for one woman doesn’t work for another, but c’mon!
I’ve heard a few guys say they like to ask their lesbian friends, but I wouldn’t want to expose a lesbian to this jackassery.
I feel sorry for anyone who does end up sleeping with one of these guys.
The extent of their knowledge is “Pee-pee goes in and out of holes until stuff comes out and then sex is done”, and “anal is easy”, and I blame porn for a good chunk of that.
Actually, you do in fact ask a fish how to catch a fish. Just not in words. You look at their habitat, what they eat, what their habits are, and you actually test your lures to see if they work before you sell them. Everything is based around the fish, not declaring what fish eat on a blog.
You don’t tell a fish what it likes, then get mad when the fish doesn’t take your bait.
Still a terrible metaphor, but even on it’s own terms it’s bad.
Luckily, when I was a yoof we had top educational videos like this…
If I thought there was any chance these guys were trolling for the lulz & not serious I’d have laughed at their suggestions.
Instead, I’ve just had juice come down my nose (not a euphemism) by several of the replies. Thanks, all 🙂
mrex,
I wish more people understood that porn is fiction and the performers have difficult jobs. They are actors. What they do in their own bedrooms likely does not look anything like what they do on screen. That’s their job, not their private lives. They are professional entertainers. The only reason you need to have sex like a porn start is if you are going into the business yourself.
…and having sex like a porn star includes keeping stiff between takes and even when you are pumping against teeth. Cock jaw happens and the filming doesn’t stop just because the actors aren’t really enjoying themselves. There is a reason these people get paid and they should be paid more. I don’t know if they have a union but if they don’t they should.
I wouldn’t want to put my dick into anywhere that’s kissed by an MRA either.
@Buttercup “”Well, redpillers are always saying “you don’t ask a fish how to catch a fish”.
That being said, I’m now envisioning them leaning over the gunwale and bellowing “GET IN MAH NET!!” That’s about the level of finesse on display here.”
And now I’m picturing them pulling out their penes to catch fish with, thanks for ruining fish for me! Though it does get more amusing when you insert fish into the narrative.
““[P]ut the fish down your pants when your dick is hard or halfway hard and theyll know whats up. thats what i do. literally been sitting on the couch w my trout and did that. worked. i only date fish who are pretty cool usually and not annoying mollusks i want to kick in the face.”
I only kiss people if I’m in a serious relationship with them. When I’m not in a relationship and I’m having a casual fling I explain this WITH.MY.WORDS because I know people usually expect kissing.
Sometimes this has put people off. Other times they are cool with it.
Why is that so freaking hard?
@kirbywarp “Actually, you do in fact ask a fish how to catch a fish. Just not in words. You look at their habitat, what they eat, what their habits are, and you actually test your lures to see if they work before you sell them.”
“Still a terrible metaphor, but even on it’s own terms it’s bad.”
Sounds a bit like a metaphor for stalking when you put it that way.
Fishing only works as an analogy for having sex with women if you’re trying to have sex with women who would do anything to avoid having sex with you. Maybe… don’t do that?
I guess it’s part of a larger question about how much the “red pill” is harming people who weren’t otherwise going to be toxic regardless.
—
Doug (sorry, don’t know how to cut and paste yet) made this comment that really saddens me.
This guy sounds young, as if he’s got some older brothers or role models pushing him to be macho and “cool”, which means getting what you want, I suppose. That BJs are the goal and not part of the whole fun thing.
And he is giving advice, not just the above, but in general, that reinforces *his pleasure and wants are paramount*.
it’s sad.
It’s an even more disturbing analogy when you keep in mind that traditionally, the aim of fishing is to kill and eat what you catch. The reason a fish wouldn’t want to tell a fisher how to catch it is that doing so would endanger it.
Since red pillers actually are a threat to women, maybe this analogy works after all.
Slightly off topic, I found this discussion of a scented fucking candle called “Mountain Lodge” on tumbler which apparently is an excellent replacement for men. I just had to run over here and share with the WHTM commenters.
http://kateordie.tumblr.com/post/118945128047/theyankeecandle-madame-vashtranerada
I’m going to posit that this candle is actually why MRA hate them.
Oh crap!! Sorry! I didn’t know it’d post here, I was just trying to put a link. I’m really embarrassed and please take the above comment down if appropriate. That’s… oops… sorry…. sorry… *sticks head in sand*.
My bf has a good technique for “demanding” a bj. He gives me several mindblowing orgasms and then asks nicely. By then I’m all full of endorphins and oxytocin and happy to see how many interesting noises I can get him to make.
…so essentially the op’s method. Keep doing what you’re doing, buddy! Sex is best played as a cooperative sport, not a competitive one.
Once, a guy tried the ol’ “suddenly and without warning, climb up over her, straddle her neck, unzip and stick your cock in her mouth” one with me. I was not impressed.
But hey, at least the stupid fucker made out with me a bit first.
@mistressoflarry
It’s okay, because that post is amazing.
(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧ Amaaaaaaziiingggg~!
I really don’t get why blowjobs are treated by so much of our culture as degrading. Like, sure there are ways they can be, but I imagine that even giving a handjob to most red pillers would end up being degrading.
And suddenly all the “Scented FUCKING candles” that one person was talking about make sense.
I had a guy try that on me in college. I may or may not have emitted a wet sneeze on his lap and torso when he had me maneuvered halfway down. He also may or may not have been shirtless at that moment.
My only hypothetical regret is that the sneeze wasn’t done on purpose.
Also, “Dickinson” may be the best thing autocorrect has bestowed upon mankind.
@mistressoflarry
OMG! That’s awesome. I especially love how the Yankee Candle company itself chimes in at the end.
Now I want to know if they ship to Australia…*checks* They have an outlet! Here, in Melbourne! OMFG!
Curious how you upload photos. Not a geek.