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Red Pill douchebags clarify proper blowjob-demanding etiquette

Wassssup?
Wasssup?

On Reddit’s Ask The Red Pill subeddit, a fellow called ThreeEyez comes to the group with a romantic conundrum:

I’ve known some guys to say that they just chill with a girl and just ask her for some head so they don’t have to kiss her. Usually I figured you have to escalate with a chick like make out with her, get her horny, etc. In my case, thats what I usually have to do. Has anybody else had success in just asking?

While one rude fellow tries to derail the conversation with some totally irrelevant comments (“You don’t enjoy kissing? Perhaps you suck at kissing”) others rally and give young ThreeEyez some highly useful advice.

As the Red Pill collective see it, there are many correct ways to handle the whole “how do I get my dingus in her piehole tout suite without breaking frame or having to kiss aforementioned icky piehole” question.

Here, inquiring fellows, are eight of them, none of which require treating the piehole-haver as an actual  human being, and only some most of which could possibly get you arrested for indecent exposure and/or sexual assault.

1) The Pull Out the General Method

“Avoid asking her for anything, that’s not the red [pill] way to go. It’s better to be declarative, whip out the general, smile at her and go with somethin’ sultry like ‘this is where you suck my dick beautiful…'” 

2) The Stick it in Her Face Method

“Stick it in her face and say ‘suck my dick.'” 

3) The “Wassup” Method

“[P]ulling it out and looking her in the face or pulling it out and saying, ‘Wassup?'” 

4) The Excuse Me While I Whip This Out Method

“I just whip it out. She usually knows what to do with it. If she backs off, well then you weren’t going anywhere with her anyway.”

5) The “Eyes Have It” Method

“Look into her eyes, hold eye contact 5 sec. then turn my head to my dick, this results in ‘she knows. i know. my dick knows. her pussy knows’.”

6) The Unbutton Unmethod

“I just stand close to my wife and unbutton my pants, she knows what to do.”

7) The Shove Her Face in Your Junk Method

“You shouldn’t have to ask. I usually just use my body to get her there. If she doesn’t want to suck your dick she either has hang-ups with cock, or she’s probably not that into you.”

8) The Shove Her Hands In Your Pants Method

“[P]ut their hand down your pants when your dick is hard or halfway hard and theyll know whats up. thats what i do. literally been sitting on the couch w my gf and did that. worked. i only date girls who are pretty cool usually and not annoying cunts i want to kick in the face.”

What a romantic!

NOTE: As this is the Ask The Red Pill subreddit, you need to remember that phrases like “I usually” and “I just” should be generally taken to mean “I saw this in a porno” and/or “I desperately wish this were true.”

 

 

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Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
6 years ago

Do people today have no sense of delayed gratification?

As Ridley Scott is fond of saying (albeit in a different context), “What’s wrong with a bit of build up?”

*Goes of to mutter about “the youth of today” and “easy credit”*

dhag85
6 years ago

Do we need any more evidence that these guys are all virgins? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Paradoxical Intention
6 years ago

Buttercup Q. Skullpants | May 14, 2015 at 2:03 pm
Well, redpillers are always saying “you don’t ask a fish how to catch a fish”.

*Adds that to the list of things women are called by Red Pillocks*

Why the fuck wouldn’t you ask a woman how to approach a woman?! You’d get some good advice! Granted, not all women are the same, and sometimes what works for one woman doesn’t work for another, but c’mon!

I’ve heard a few guys say they like to ask their lesbian friends, but I wouldn’t want to expose a lesbian to this jackassery.

Paradoxical Intention
6 years ago

I feel sorry for anyone who does end up sleeping with one of these guys.

The extent of their knowledge is “Pee-pee goes in and out of holes until stuff comes out and then sex is done”, and “anal is easy”, and I blame porn for a good chunk of that.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
6 years ago

Actually, you do in fact ask a fish how to catch a fish. Just not in words. You look at their habitat, what they eat, what their habits are, and you actually test your lures to see if they work before you sell them. Everything is based around the fish, not declaring what fish eat on a blog.

You don’t tell a fish what it likes, then get mad when the fish doesn’t take your bait.

Still a terrible metaphor, but even on it’s own terms it’s bad.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
6 years ago

Luckily, when I was a yoof we had top educational videos like this…

Still Not Jennikins (@jla_1974)

If I thought there was any chance these guys were trolling for the lulz & not serious I’d have laughed at their suggestions.

Instead, I’ve just had juice come down my nose (not a euphemism) by several of the replies. Thanks, all 🙂

Lea
Lea
6 years ago

mrex,
I wish more people understood that porn is fiction and the performers have difficult jobs. They are actors. What they do in their own bedrooms likely does not look anything like what they do on screen. That’s their job, not their private lives. They are professional entertainers. The only reason you need to have sex like a porn start is if you are going into the business yourself.

…and having sex like a porn star includes keeping stiff between takes and even when you are pumping against teeth. Cock jaw happens and the filming doesn’t stop just because the actors aren’t really enjoying themselves. There is a reason these people get paid and they should be paid more. I don’t know if they have a union but if they don’t they should.

Andrew McCormick
6 years ago

I wouldn’t want to put my dick into anywhere that’s kissed by an MRA either.

Spindrift
Spindrift
6 years ago

@Buttercup “”Well, redpillers are always saying “you don’t ask a fish how to catch a fish”.

That being said, I’m now envisioning them leaning over the gunwale and bellowing “GET IN MAH NET!!” That’s about the level of finesse on display here.”

And now I’m picturing them pulling out their penes to catch fish with, thanks for ruining fish for me! Though it does get more amusing when you insert fish into the narrative.

““[P]ut the fish down your pants when your dick is hard or halfway hard and theyll know whats up. thats what i do. literally been sitting on the couch w my trout and did that. worked. i only date fish who are pretty cool usually and not annoying mollusks i want to kick in the face.”

NicolaLuna
NicolaLuna
6 years ago

I only kiss people if I’m in a serious relationship with them. When I’m not in a relationship and I’m having a casual fling I explain this WITH.MY.WORDS because I know people usually expect kissing.

Sometimes this has put people off. Other times they are cool with it.

Why is that so freaking hard?

Spindrift
Spindrift
6 years ago

@kirbywarp “Actually, you do in fact ask a fish how to catch a fish. Just not in words. You look at their habitat, what they eat, what their habits are, and you actually test your lures to see if they work before you sell them.”

“Still a terrible metaphor, but even on it’s own terms it’s bad.”

Sounds a bit like a metaphor for stalking when you put it that way.

Viscaria
Viscaria
6 years ago

Fishing only works as an analogy for having sex with women if you’re trying to have sex with women who would do anything to avoid having sex with you. Maybe… don’t do that?

Tanya
6 years ago

I guess it’s part of a larger question about how much the “red pill” is harming people who weren’t otherwise going to be toxic regardless.

Doug (sorry, don’t know how to cut and paste yet) made this comment that really saddens me.

This guy sounds young, as if he’s got some older brothers or role models pushing him to be macho and “cool”, which means getting what you want, I suppose. That BJs are the goal and not part of the whole fun thing.

And he is giving advice, not just the above, but in general, that reinforces *his pleasure and wants are paramount*.

it’s sad.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

It’s an even more disturbing analogy when you keep in mind that traditionally, the aim of fishing is to kill and eat what you catch. The reason a fish wouldn’t want to tell a fisher how to catch it is that doing so would endanger it.

Since red pillers actually are a threat to women, maybe this analogy works after all.

mistressoflarry
mistressoflarry
6 years ago

Slightly off topic, I found this discussion of a scented fucking candle called “Mountain Lodge” on tumbler which apparently is an excellent replacement for men. I just had to run over here and share with the WHTM commenters.

http://kateordie.tumblr.com/post/118945128047/theyankeecandle-madame-vashtranerada

I’m going to posit that this candle is actually why MRA hate them.

mistressoflarry
mistressoflarry
6 years ago

Oh crap!! Sorry! I didn’t know it’d post here, I was just trying to put a link. I’m really embarrassed and please take the above comment down if appropriate. That’s… oops… sorry…. sorry… *sticks head in sand*.

Dawn Incognito
6 years ago

My bf has a good technique for “demanding” a bj. He gives me several mindblowing orgasms and then asks nicely. By then I’m all full of endorphins and oxytocin and happy to see how many interesting noises I can get him to make.

…so essentially the op’s method. Keep doing what you’re doing, buddy! Sex is best played as a cooperative sport, not a competitive one.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

Once, a guy tried the ol’ “suddenly and without warning, climb up over her, straddle her neck, unzip and stick your cock in her mouth” one with me. I was not impressed.

But hey, at least the stupid fucker made out with me a bit first.

Banana Jackie Cake, the Best Jackie and Cake! Yum! (^v^)
Banana Jackie Cake, the Best Jackie and Cake! Yum! (^v^)
6 years ago

@mistressoflarry

It’s okay, because that post is amazing.

(ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧ Amaaaaaaziiingggg~!

Leum
Leum
6 years ago

I really don’t get why blowjobs are treated by so much of our culture as degrading. Like, sure there are ways they can be, but I imagine that even giving a handjob to most red pillers would end up being degrading.

Paradoxical Intention
6 years ago

And suddenly all the “Scented FUCKING candles” that one person was talking about make sense.

Flying Mouse
Flying Mouse
6 years ago

What I hate is the shove her down towards your lap method. Nothing makes me want a guy’s Dickinson less than that.

I had a guy try that on me in college. I may or may not have emitted a wet sneeze on his lap and torso when he had me maneuvered halfway down. He also may or may not have been shirtless at that moment.

My only hypothetical regret is that the sneeze wasn’t done on purpose.

Also, “Dickinson” may be the best thing autocorrect has bestowed upon mankind.

scalyllama
6 years ago

@mistressoflarry

OMG! That’s awesome. I especially love how the Yankee Candle company itself chimes in at the end.

Now I want to know if they ship to Australia…*checks* They have an outlet! Here, in Melbourne! OMFG!

reymohammed
reymohammed
6 years ago

Curious how you upload photos. Not a geek.

Hambeast, Social Justice Hoo-Ha Glitterer
Hambeast, Social Justice Hoo-Ha Glitterer
6 years ago

I want my lover to have as much fun as possible and he wants the same for me. It isn’t fun unless everybody is having a good time. If sex with all men was so joyless, no one but professional sex workers would have sex with men. It would be a pointless chore.

Oh. So. Much. THIS!

If all you want is to get your rocks off and get one over on the other person involved (and make points with your peers), you need to Go Your Own Way. And pronto, because you are not fit to human.

Nequam
Nequam
6 years ago

All I can think of as a response to this would be quote from Dr. Caligari (not the silent film but a deranged 1989 oddity):

“I want his boy-thing! I want to twist it ’til it snaps like a rubber band!”

(That would, after all, be a clear and uncompromising response to tactic #8.)

Quartzok-43
Quartzok-43
6 years ago

The competition is very, very tough.

kmcorby
6 years ago

I guess none of these guys ever saw that SEINFELD episode.

magnesium
magnesium
6 years ago

The most impressive thing about the red pill philosophy is how genuinely proud they all are of being absolutely goddawful in bed.

opium4themasses
6 years ago

I am a 12-year-old sometimes, but number 8 makes me think of Bloodhound Gang’s “Bad Touch”.

Penny
Penny
6 years ago

I’m thinking we might want to bring back a new version of “Better dead than red”… The nicest thing I can say about these people is they overaged tofu for brains. Or maybe they’re being bred for soylent green?

megpie71
6 years ago

Okay, having surveyed the Red Pill reddit, I suggest the eager young gentleman should now go out and ask for advice from a group of Catholic priests, if he’s really enthused about the notion of getting sexual advice from the fuckless.

Alternatively, if he wants a blowjob from his girlfriend, the most efficient way to get one is actually to ask. With words. Even if it feels awkward and icky and “oh god she’s going to laugh at me forever”, use words and ask. Show a bit of vulnerability, take a bit of a risk, and put yourself out there. Odds are, she’ll probably say yes, because one of the nice things about sex is doing things the other person enjoys, to turn them on and get them off, and make them happy.

Of course, this works best in a relationship where you’re doing things she likes too – where it’s about both of you, not just what you want. Our species gets happy-time rewards from sex on both sides, which implies it serves a happy-times purpose for both men and women. Those red pill guys? I feel sorry for them, because they’re missing out on the best bit of any relationship – the sharing.

Moocow
Moocow
6 years ago

@megpie71

‘buuuuuuut. Asking her puts me in a position where she might say no, and that might damage my precious ego’

IMO they are just terrified of rejection, not realizing that rejection is pretty normal and that their methods are transparent and repulsive. So they get rejected and, unable to cope with the reality that a woman isn’t interested in them and those precious ‘methods’ didn’t work, they conclude that clearly the act of asking was the problem…..

BTW David, your french has a bit of a typo. “tout suite” should be “tout de suite” 😉

Penny
Penny
6 years ago

@megpie71

But…that would mean actually she’s a person with autonomy not some thing for personal pleasure. Which could mean she might use the dreaded N word and heartlessly destroy his hard won sense of masculinity.

Seriously though, I actually feel sorry for these morons. All their self esteem is bound up in this warped image of virility which is impossible.

Rabid Rabbit
Rabid Rabbit
6 years ago

@catalpa

They’d doubtless be shocked to know that someone once analysed Casanova’s memoirs and realised that the number of his conquests wasn’t actually absurdly high (especially for the 18th century). The analysis apparently reveals that Casanova wasn’t interested so much in being the greatest lover by number of conquest as the best lover as judged by the women who remember him.

They’d also doubtless have to tear out their eyes if they noticed all the evidence for Casanova being bi and an occasional boy toy.

@Falconer

That fish gif just reminds me of one of my favourite dirty jokes. Guy finally gets the girl to come into the bedroom, and pulls down his pants:

“That’s a wee-wee!”

“No,” he says. “That’s a cock.”

“It’s a wee-wee!” she insists.

“Now look, baby, I know you were brought up all proper-like and everything, but you’re a grown girl now and we call this a cock.”

“No, I’ve seen some cocks in my time, honey, and that’s a wee-wee.”

The worst thing about this is that I can sort of see how some of these scenarios (which are clearly taken from porn) could be hot – assuming that this was a well-established sub/dom relationship. But as I very much doubt any of them could ever come anywhere nearing an understanding of how those works, I’ll just stand over here being grossed out, thanks.

proxieme
proxieme
6 years ago

^ Some of them can also work if you’re just being goofy. [Potential TMI] I can think of plenty of times when my husband’s done something along the lines of whipping it out and going, “Eh? Eeeehhhhh?” But, similarly, there have been plenty of times when I’ve gotten out of the shower, put a large pillow by the bed, locked eyes with him, and just nodded.

This works because we love each other, enjoy reciprocal pleasure, AND enjoy being goofballs. I can’t see these working otherwise (outside of an established sub/dom relationship).

Lisa
Lisa
6 years ago

Sigh what is their issue with ‘blowjobs’. Hint you do not blow…then again maybe we should, it can cause all sort of damage

Ok as a trangendered person, being a bit bisexual I have had sex with both males and females,

Shared oral sex is wonderful. As part of love play it is a great experience, whatever you decide to do later.

However giving someone a ‘blowjob’ and getting nothing back is the most boring thing in the world. Heck I have done it as a younger insecure trangendered person. I stopped when I realised there was something more interesting that I wanted to watch on TV…….

But so wonderful is is kissing, holding, touching and talking (heh private sexy kink talk between each other can be real fun). The most emotonal thing I ever experieced was with someone who did a gentle stroking of my head. It was so gentle and soft and expressed so much emotion and feelings between us.

proxieme
proxieme
6 years ago

(Continuation of my previous post – it took awhile to find this gif)

But, then, this is where you get to in many established relationships (especially of kids are in the picture):

http://imgur.com/vmKfIqW

Steph
Steph
6 years ago

It’s better to be declarative, whip out the general, smile at her and go with somethin’ sultry like ‘this is where you suck my dick beautiful…’”

Ellesar
Ellesar
6 years ago

Hey – why have mutually enjoyable sex when you can have sex the Red Pill way!
No kissing required!
Partner can be guaranteed to be left feeling somewhat used/ cheated, you won’t have to worry that she will come back for more!

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
6 years ago

@Ellesar:
Mutually enjoyable sex seems not to be the intention here. From what I can tell they don’t even want it to be enjoyable for them.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

A man’s “nut” is sacred! Roosh tells us so. Why oh why won’t women worship the sploodge?!

ryeash
6 years ago

I guarantee there is a 5000% greater chance of being laughed at if you whip it out and say ‘suck me beautiful’ than if you just straight up ask. So much wow @ how inept and self-sabotaging these idiots are.

Red Pill: We teach you make sex at lady-things. Totally working 117% of time.

P.S. I don’t think my partner’s asked for a blowjob once, and I’ve probably given him more in the last 2+ years than these losers have received in a lifetime. Interestingly, in a love relationship, you like to do fun things for each other like oral with no underlying reason or expectation of reciprocation.

Retrobitch
Retrobitch
6 years ago

These guys in the article have a better chance of banging a cantaloupe using their “advice” than ever receiving a BJ from someone they don’t have to force first.

friday jones
friday jones
6 years ago

#9: Make eye contact, then look down at your crotch, then back up, then waggle your eyebrows suggestively while leering like Lurch from the Addams Family. This method works for all sexes and sexual orientations equally well.

Orion
Orion
6 years ago

http://www.theguardian.com/science/2015/may/14/early-men-women-equal-scientists

Cutting straight to the heart of the blog, maybe we all hunted the mammoth.

On topic tho seriously dudes just ask after you’ve confirmed she’s attracted to you and she’ll probably do it just because it’s an erotic act.
Alternatively, if you want to skip kissing (a weird request) then your best bet would be to beat her to the punch, pleasure her first (there are plenty of ways) and there’s a high chance of spontaneous reciprocation.

I’m also gonna guess he’s young and inexperienced as is his date, a lot of young ladies are just as curious about all the sexual acts they’ve seen or heard of as you mate, if you avoid being condescending or shaming of her curiosity then it’ll take you good places I promise.

Octo
Octo
6 years ago

First off, why would you want to avoid kissing?
Second, considering where one of the most vulnerable organs of a man ends up being, I do think those people (and probably society) have the power dynamics of a blowjob all wrong…

Wanda
Wanda
6 years ago

Why did you have to use a gif of Harry Freakin’ Potter for this post? 🙁 What did Darren Criss ever do to deserve this.

Anyway, this shit is why I’m glad I’m maybe sort of asexual. Maybe I’m not and I have hang ups about sex. Or maybe I’m an introvert who hates people. Whatever it is, assholes like these guys are doing the opposite of what they hope to achieve. Women are less likely to offer blowjobs because they’re afraid some asshole uses it as a form of manipulation and degradation. If they were nice about it, they might actually get more blowjobs. Funny how that works.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

“Avoid asking her for anything, that’s not the red [pill] way to go. It’s better to be declarative, whip out the general, smile at her and go with somethin’ sultry like ‘this is where you suck my dick beautiful…’”

And that would be my cue to shove him out the door before he gets a chance to zip back up.

Hey, women can be “declarative”, too!