On Reddit’s Ask The Red Pill subeddit, a fellow called ThreeEyez comes to the group with a romantic conundrum:
I’ve known some guys to say that they just chill with a girl and just ask her for some head so they don’t have to kiss her. Usually I figured you have to escalate with a chick like make out with her, get her horny, etc. In my case, thats what I usually have to do. Has anybody else had success in just asking?
While one rude fellow tries to derail the conversation with some totally irrelevant comments (“You don’t enjoy kissing? Perhaps you suck at kissing”) others rally and give young ThreeEyez some highly useful advice.
As the Red Pill collective see it, there are many correct ways to handle the whole “how do I get my dingus in her piehole tout suite without breaking frame or having to kiss aforementioned icky piehole” question.
Here, inquiring fellows, are eight of them, none of which require treating the piehole-haver as an actual human being, and only some most of which could possibly get you arrested for indecent exposure and/or sexual assault.
1) The Pull Out the General Method
“Avoid asking her for anything, that’s not the red [pill] way to go. It’s better to be declarative, whip out the general, smile at her and go with somethin’ sultry like ‘this is where you suck my dick beautiful…'”
2) The Stick it in Her Face Method
“Stick it in her face and say ‘suck my dick.'”
3) The “Wassup” Method
“[P]ulling it out and looking her in the face or pulling it out and saying, ‘Wassup?'”
4) The Excuse Me While I Whip This Out Method
“I just whip it out. She usually knows what to do with it. If she backs off, well then you weren’t going anywhere with her anyway.”
5) The “Eyes Have It” Method
“Look into her eyes, hold eye contact 5 sec. then turn my head to my dick, this results in ‘she knows. i know. my dick knows. her pussy knows’.”
6) The Unbutton Unmethod
“I just stand close to my wife and unbutton my pants, she knows what to do.”
7) The Shove Her Face in Your Junk Method
“You shouldn’t have to ask. I usually just use my body to get her there. If she doesn’t want to suck your dick she either has hang-ups with cock, or she’s probably not that into you.”
8) The Shove Her Hands In Your Pants Method
“[P]ut their hand down your pants when your dick is hard or halfway hard and theyll know whats up. thats what i do. literally been sitting on the couch w my gf and did that. worked. i only date girls who are pretty cool usually and not annoying cunts i want to kick in the face.”
What a romantic!
NOTE: As this is the Ask The Red Pill subreddit, you need to remember that phrases like “I usually” and “I just” should be generally taken to mean “I saw this in a porno” and/or “I desperately wish this were true.”
No. Just no.
“Why don’t you come up some time and see me?” is sultry. “Suck my dick” is something you shout when someone cuts you off in traffic.
Falconer,
They do seem to act like semen is battery acid.
The eye contact one sounds kind of hilarious. Step 3: she bursts out laughing and asks if you’re trying to tell her something, then goes back to watching TV.
Reason I have never been comfortable giving blowjobs: THIS SHIT. Seriously, if dudes in high school had just USED THEIR WORDS and not shoved their crotches in my face or stuck my hands down their pants or looked at me expectantly like I should be able to read their fucking minds when I was fifteen bloody years old I might have, at some point, developed a fondness for giving head, rather than associating it with anxiety and obligation and ick.
I am having an emotional reaction to this that is somewhat out-of-proportion, but I think it’s mostly fueled by their derision for women who aren’t going to immediately suck their cock when they try their brilliant techniques. If I have “hangups with cock” irritating enough to class me as an “annoying cunt” that should be kicked in the face, it is entirely because of assholes like these guys.
Nah–that still leaves him in a physically dominant (or at least equal) position. Given that the attraction of oral for most of these shitbags is the feeling of being in control of the woman, I’d say go whole hog: Pull out the strap-on and then say, “This is where you bite the pillow, sweetcheeks.”
ANd yeah, I can’t comprehend how to regard the grab-her-head-and-push-down approach as anything other than “Rapey as hell”.
Viscaria,
That’s awful. I’m so sorry.
I’ve known alot of assholes in my time, but I have been extraordinarily lucky in love. I remember thinking as a teen that bjs didn’t sound so great. I didn’t like the way boys talked about them, especially how they talked about women who liked them. Then I saw my bf’s peen live and in the flesh. I was like :
My mind, she was changed.
How bad must their expectation of oral sex be? I’ve had oral sex given to me by people who are doing it cursorily because they feel it’s expected, and I’ve had it given to me by people who really enjoy it and want to see just how wild they can drive me. You know what? The second type is quite a lot more enjoyable (and also results in more of it in future rather than less.)
Gentlemen, on the off chance you’re reading this, let me posit an alternate method of getting a woman to give you a blowjob.
a) Find a woman who wants to give you a blowjob.
b) Ask her, “Would now suit you?”
c) Enjoy the blowjob.
d) If she consents, reciprocate the oral sex.
See? Easy.
@viscaria:
That sounds awful. Thank you for sharing it.
(Not sarcasm – I really admire people who have the courage to talk about unpleasant stuff that’s happened to them.)
Requesting oral from a partner is always super awkward and weird and stuff when you happen to be a pre-op trans woman. It just… it’s hard to do without causing additional dysphoria that ultimately kills the mood. 🙁
I still do a lot of the pleading looks and gestures, trying to avoid talking about the organ itself. Just how heavily hyper-masculinized the penis has become makes it weird and uncomfy to talk about.
Sex is hard. I’m kind of glad that I’m single right now, even though I’m lonely.
“A better choice is to ASK THE WOMAN YOU WANT TO PREFORM FELLATIO ON YOU DIRECTLY. Only she can tell you what she likes. ”
And don’t keep asking if she says no. And don’t get rude and call her a b*tch if she says no. And don’t ask random women you don’t even know on buses or trains or in elevators etc. No, not even if they’re super hot.
@ Falconer and Lea
You two are slaying me right now. I have iced latte up my nose XD
At first I read this as the author lacking confidence in their own consent. Then I assumed it was probably more a case of approaching such romantic/sexual interactions with the belief that inputting A and B will lead to the ever-desired C. I’m not sure which I find more upsetting 🙁
@Dodom
Very well said 🙂
Putting my hand in your pants is a great way for me to dig my nails into your peen-flesh.
Just sayin’.
The first blowjob I ever gave was with a delightful boyfriend who, after a great deal of making out, said something like “I’d really really like you to go down on me”.
That was hot.
I couldn’t imagine being ordered to suck dick without even having been kissed yet. I suppose if I was with someone who found kissing to be really terrible and they had explained it… but still don’t just order me to do it, and we should work up to it first with things other than kissing.
“Whip out the general…”
In their case, it’s Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna.
How do I get what I want out of people without having to think of them as human beings?
And they say romance is dead.
He: Wassup?
She: **shock followed by uncomfortable stare.**
He: Reach out and touch someone.
He: Just do it.
He: The quicker picker upper.
He: Because I’m worth it.
He: Breakfast of Champions.
He: Good to the last drop.
She: **gets up and quickly starts to leave**
He: So easy a caveman can do it.
He: A little dab’ll do ya.
He: The ultimate driving machine.
She: **Has been gone for a while now.**
He: Fine, have it your way.
Foreplay: Dreary burden or full blown misandry?
“You don’t ask a bunch of misogynist shitheads who constantly complain that they can’t get laid for advice on sexing the ladies.”
When I was young, I knew guys who thought that was the only way to learn about women. I’m not sure that much has changed.
I mean, speaking for myself, I wouldn’t skip this bit. It’s fun! It’s half the experience! Don’t get impatient.
Well, redpillers are always saying “you don’t ask a fish how to catch a fish”.
That being said, I’m now envisioning them leaning over the gunwale and bellowing “GET IN MAH NET!!” That’s about the level of finesse on display here.
I just want to let all the men out there know that women do have teeth. If you shove your dick in my face (or my face to your dick), I may use them.
But porn stars have multiple organs immediately with *no* foreplay. And as we know, porn is the best place to learn about sex, red pill subreddit aside! /s
Seriously though, there’s something rotten in Denmark when *making out and fooling around* is burdensome. ><