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Red Pill douchebags clarify proper blowjob-demanding etiquette

Wassssup?
Wasssup?

On Reddit’s Ask The Red Pill subeddit, a fellow called ThreeEyez comes to the group with a romantic conundrum:

I’ve known some guys to say that they just chill with a girl and just ask her for some head so they don’t have to kiss her. Usually I figured you have to escalate with a chick like make out with her, get her horny, etc. In my case, thats what I usually have to do. Has anybody else had success in just asking?

While one rude fellow tries to derail the conversation with some totally irrelevant comments (“You don’t enjoy kissing? Perhaps you suck at kissing”) others rally and give young ThreeEyez some highly useful advice.

As the Red Pill collective see it, there are many correct ways to handle the whole “how do I get my dingus in her piehole tout suite without breaking frame or having to kiss aforementioned icky piehole” question.

Here, inquiring fellows, are eight of them, none of which require treating the piehole-haver as an actual  human being, and only some most of which could possibly get you arrested for indecent exposure and/or sexual assault.

1) The Pull Out the General Method

“Avoid asking her for anything, that’s not the red [pill] way to go. It’s better to be declarative, whip out the general, smile at her and go with somethin’ sultry like ‘this is where you suck my dick beautiful…'” 

2) The Stick it in Her Face Method

“Stick it in her face and say ‘suck my dick.'” 

3) The “Wassup” Method

“[P]ulling it out and looking her in the face or pulling it out and saying, ‘Wassup?'” 

4) The Excuse Me While I Whip This Out Method

“I just whip it out. She usually knows what to do with it. If she backs off, well then you weren’t going anywhere with her anyway.”

5) The “Eyes Have It” Method

“Look into her eyes, hold eye contact 5 sec. then turn my head to my dick, this results in ‘she knows. i know. my dick knows. her pussy knows’.”

6) The Unbutton Unmethod

“I just stand close to my wife and unbutton my pants, she knows what to do.”

7) The Shove Her Face in Your Junk Method

“You shouldn’t have to ask. I usually just use my body to get her there. If she doesn’t want to suck your dick she either has hang-ups with cock, or she’s probably not that into you.”

8) The Shove Her Hands In Your Pants Method

“[P]ut their hand down your pants when your dick is hard or halfway hard and theyll know whats up. thats what i do. literally been sitting on the couch w my gf and did that. worked. i only date girls who are pretty cool usually and not annoying cunts i want to kick in the face.”

What a romantic!

NOTE: As this is the Ask The Red Pill subreddit, you need to remember that phrases like “I usually” and “I just” should be generally taken to mean “I saw this in a porno” and/or “I desperately wish this were true.”

 

 

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Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
6 years ago

That guy in the image looks like Romney’s creepy son.

Judas Peckerwood
Judas Peckerwood
6 years ago

I don’t see what could possibly go wrong…

Doug
Doug
6 years ago

I wonder if this sort of advice will cause trauma for a blow-job eager, but otherwise mostly decent guys and the woman unfortunate enough to be his date. Or are these techniques that nobody but irredeemable douchebags could think would work?

I’ve long been married and know what my wife likes (not these suggestions), so it’s an academic question.

I guess it’s part of a larger question about how much the “red pill” is harming people who weren’t otherwise going to be toxic regardless.

fruitloopsie
fruitloopsie
6 years ago

I can’t understand why any woman wouldn’t go out or be anywhere near these charmers. /s

“That’s not the red pill way”
“That’s not the rapist way” FTFY

tesformes
6 years ago

It’s sad, these people can’t conceive of a relationship where both partners freely and joyfully have sex with each other. Where you can simply communicate what you need. TRPs, If you’re with someone who is willing to put up with this kind of behavior, that person is with you in spite of the bizarre games, not because of them.

JocTheWriter
6 years ago

I think reading this just added another five years of celibacy to my schedule.

carswell
carswell
6 years ago

I’m thinking that “technique” is a pretty loosely used term in this context – mostly because I can’t see any of those scenarios being successful.

Spindrift
Spindrift
6 years ago

@Doug “I guess it’s part of a larger question about how much the “red pill” is harming people who weren’t otherwise going to be toxic regardless.”

I’m not sure anyone who didn’t already hold toxic views about women would hang out on red pill sites, unless they were doing so to laugh at RPers or something.

sn0rkmaiden
6 years ago

Btw, it seems the mainstream media has taken notice of Aaron Clarey’s mantrum over Mad Max having a woman in it:

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/films/news/mad-max-fury-road-enrages-mens-rights-activists-who-claim-they-are-being-duped-by-explosions-into-watching-feminist-propaganda-10249443.html

Well, you know what they say:

‘First they ignore you.
Then they laugh at you.
Then they go back to ignoring you.
Then you get blocked on Twitter’
(Ghandi)

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
6 years ago

(Ghandi)

And that’s what makes your quote perfect; bravo!

SVM
SVM
6 years ago

The notion these people have of sex is so unidimensional and mechanic. It´s like the idea of two people really enjoying and respecting and caring for each other in a sexual encounter never occurs to them. It´s all about dicks and holes where they can put them, isn´t it. So sad.

Machine Gun Sally
Machine Gun Sally
6 years ago

“This is where you suck my dick beautiful”

Such sultry. Very romance.

Dodom
Dodom
6 years ago

How about “I’d like to get intimate but I hate kissing, is it ok?”
And then bring up oral if the answer is yes.

But no, these guys are below using articulate language!

ronanwills
6 years ago

I sometimes wonder if these guys are all secretly trolling each other.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

What I hate is the shove her down towards your lap method. Nothing makes me want a guy’s Dickinson less than that.

Leaving the autocorrect substitution in because it’s funny.

Mathieu Tremblay
6 years ago

Maybe it’s just me, but I have to wonder by what thought process one ends up expecting oral sex while refusing to so much as kiss their partner. Plus, kissing is awesome, so what’s his problem?!? 😛

Then again, we’re talking about people who think sexual harassment, if not outright assault, are proper ways to handle romantic relationships.

yutolia
yutolia
6 years ago

None of these things would result in me leaving as soon as possible, no way!

flagalicious
flagalicious
6 years ago

I’m with JoctheWriter on this.

Lea
Lea
6 years ago

If there was a book titled “World’s Worst Sex Advice” these dudes would be featured in it. I’m filing every one of those answers under “Shit that never happened”.

Besides, why would you ask men these questions?
The question should be, “Ladies, how do you enjoy being approached for oral? What makes you hot for cock? How would the perfect lover ask you for oral sex?”

A better choice is to ASK THE WOMAN YOU WANT TO PREFORM FELLATIO ON YOU DIRECTLY. Only she can tell you what she likes.

You don’t ask a bunch of misogynist shitheads who constantly complain that they can’t get laid for advice on sexing the ladies.

What truly baffles me is how hung up they are on not giving women pleasure of any kind. Isn’t that half the fun? I want my lover to have as much fun as possible and he wants the same for me. It isn’t fun unless everybody is having a good time. If sex with all men was so joyless, no one but professional sex workers would have sex with men. It would be a pointless chore.

This explains why they’re all whining about going without when they aren’t pretending to be Casanova. Women won’t have them more than once, if that often.

The way they think bjs are degrading to women, I think it’s safe to say they wouldn’t know what to do with an enthusiastic cocksucker. A power bottom would probably send them screaming into the night.

Catalpa
Catalpa
6 years ago

The least terrible of those suggestions is probably the eye contact one, simply because it doesn’t involve sexual assault or whipping out his dick unasked.

But criminy, what the hell is wrong with, you know, using your words to ASK your partner about things you’d like to try?

Oh wait I know. It’s because asking then gives them agency and these guys aren’t interested in a mutual partnership with another autonomous person, they just want to plug in the right cheat code to make the sex-thing do what they want.

AnAndrejaPejicBlog (@Lindsay_Irene)

None of those guys have ever gotten a blowjob. NOT ONE.

“…whip out the general, smile at her and go with somethin’ sultry like ‘this is where you suck my dick beautiful…’ ”

And that is where I whip out the pepper spray. Right on the johnson.

Lea
Lea
6 years ago

Imagine if the question had been, “How do you get a man to let you do stuff to his butt without kissing him first?” and the answers resembled these.

Falconer
6 years ago

Yeah, flat-out cold pull out your pud, that always works. Chick’s all like

http://stepenterprise.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/tumblr_mn64cwc8mo1so4yflo2_250.gif

Falconer
6 years ago

Is it just me, or do these guys have a thing about bodily fluids, that is constantly at war with their thing where they’ll die if someone doesn’t touch them right now ?

Lea
Lea
6 years ago

Just whip out your strap on and tell him, “This is when you sit on my big silicone cock, beautiful.”

I’m sure that wouldn’t go over like a lead balloon.

Falconer
6 years ago

go with somethin’ sultry like ‘this is where you suck my dick beautiful…’

No. Just no.

“Why don’t you come up some time and see me?” is sultry. “Suck my dick” is something you shout when someone cuts you off in traffic.

Lea
Lea
6 years ago

Falconer,
They do seem to act like semen is battery acid.

Emmy Rae
Emmy Rae
6 years ago

The eye contact one sounds kind of hilarious. Step 3: she bursts out laughing and asks if you’re trying to tell her something, then goes back to watching TV.

Viscaria
Viscaria
6 years ago

Reason I have never been comfortable giving blowjobs: THIS SHIT. Seriously, if dudes in high school had just USED THEIR WORDS and not shoved their crotches in my face or stuck my hands down their pants or looked at me expectantly like I should be able to read their fucking minds when I was fifteen bloody years old I might have, at some point, developed a fondness for giving head, rather than associating it with anxiety and obligation and ick.

Viscaria
Viscaria
6 years ago

I am having an emotional reaction to this that is somewhat out-of-proportion, but I think it’s mostly fueled by their derision for women who aren’t going to immediately suck their cock when they try their brilliant techniques. If I have “hangups with cock” irritating enough to class me as an “annoying cunt” that should be kicked in the face, it is entirely because of assholes like these guys.

freemage
6 years ago

Lea | May 14, 2015 at 11:56 am

Just whip out your strap on and tell him, “This is when you sit on my big silicone cock, beautiful.”

I’m sure that wouldn’t go over like a lead balloon.

Nah–that still leaves him in a physically dominant (or at least equal) position. Given that the attraction of oral for most of these shitbags is the feeling of being in control of the woman, I’d say go whole hog: Pull out the strap-on and then say, “This is where you bite the pillow, sweetcheeks.”

ANd yeah, I can’t comprehend how to regard the grab-her-head-and-push-down approach as anything other than “Rapey as hell”.

Lea
Lea
6 years ago

Viscaria,
That’s awful. I’m so sorry.
I’ve known alot of assholes in my time, but I have been extraordinarily lucky in love. I remember thinking as a teen that bjs didn’t sound so great. I didn’t like the way boys talked about them, especially how they talked about women who liked them. Then I saw my bf’s peen live and in the flesh. I was like :

My mind, she was changed.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
6 years ago

How bad must their expectation of oral sex be? I’ve had oral sex given to me by people who are doing it cursorily because they feel it’s expected, and I’ve had it given to me by people who really enjoy it and want to see just how wild they can drive me. You know what? The second type is quite a lot more enjoyable (and also results in more of it in future rather than less.)

Gentlemen, on the off chance you’re reading this, let me posit an alternate method of getting a woman to give you a blowjob.
a) Find a woman who wants to give you a blowjob.
b) Ask her, “Would now suit you?”
c) Enjoy the blowjob.
d) If she consents, reciprocate the oral sex.

See? Easy.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
6 years ago

@viscaria:
That sounds awful. Thank you for sharing it.

(Not sarcasm – I really admire people who have the courage to talk about unpleasant stuff that’s happened to them.)

Corinn
6 years ago

Requesting oral from a partner is always super awkward and weird and stuff when you happen to be a pre-op trans woman. It just… it’s hard to do without causing additional dysphoria that ultimately kills the mood. 🙁

I still do a lot of the pleading looks and gestures, trying to avoid talking about the organ itself. Just how heavily hyper-masculinized the penis has become makes it weird and uncomfy to talk about.

Sex is hard. I’m kind of glad that I’m single right now, even though I’m lonely.

Spindrift
Spindrift
6 years ago

“A better choice is to ASK THE WOMAN YOU WANT TO PREFORM FELLATIO ON YOU DIRECTLY. Only she can tell you what she likes. ”

And don’t keep asking if she says no. And don’t get rude and call her a b*tch if she says no. And don’t ask random women you don’t even know on buses or trains or in elevators etc. No, not even if they’re super hot.

fromafar2013
6 years ago

@ Falconer and Lea

You two are slaying me right now. I have iced latte up my nose XD

howlcat
6 years ago

…so they don’t have to kiss her … I figured you have to escalate … thats what I usually have to do.

At first I read this as the author lacking confidence in their own consent. Then I assumed it was probably more a case of approaching such romantic/sexual interactions with the belief that inputting A and B will lead to the ever-desired C. I’m not sure which I find more upsetting 🙁

@Dodom

Very well said 🙂

Paradoxical Intention
6 years ago

Putting my hand in your pants is a great way for me to dig my nails into your peen-flesh.

Just sayin’.

deniseeliza
deniseeliza
6 years ago

The first blowjob I ever gave was with a delightful boyfriend who, after a great deal of making out, said something like “I’d really really like you to go down on me”.

That was hot.

I couldn’t imagine being ordered to suck dick without even having been kissed yet. I suppose if I was with someone who found kissing to be really terrible and they had explained it… but still don’t just order me to do it, and we should work up to it first with things other than kissing.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

“Whip out the general…”

In their case, it’s Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna.

KSRay
KSRay
6 years ago

How do I get what I want out of people without having to think of them as human beings?

Aunt Edna
Aunt Edna
6 years ago

And they say romance is dead.

brooked
brooked
6 years ago

He: Wassup?

She: **shock followed by uncomfortable stare.**

He: Reach out and touch someone.

He: Just do it.

He: The quicker picker upper.

He: Because I’m worth it.

He: Breakfast of Champions.

He: Good to the last drop.

She: **gets up and quickly starts to leave**

He: So easy a caveman can do it.

He: A little dab’ll do ya.

He: The ultimate driving machine.

She: **Has been gone for a while now.**

He: Fine, have it your way.

brooked
brooked
6 years ago

Usually I figured you have to escalate with a chick like make out with her, get her horny, etc. In my case, thats what I usually have to do.

Foreplay: Dreary burden or full blown misandry?

GrumpyOldSocialJusticeMangina

“You don’t ask a bunch of misogynist shitheads who constantly complain that they can’t get laid for advice on sexing the ladies.”

When I was young, I knew guys who thought that was the only way to learn about women. I’m not sure that much has changed.

Falconer
6 years ago

Usually I figured you have to escalate with a chick like make out with her, get her horny, etc. In my case, thats what I usually have to do.

I mean, speaking for myself, I wouldn’t skip this bit. It’s fun! It’s half the experience! Don’t get impatient.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

Well, redpillers are always saying “you don’t ask a fish how to catch a fish”.

That being said, I’m now envisioning them leaning over the gunwale and bellowing “GET IN MAH NET!!” That’s about the level of finesse on display here.

ej
ej
6 years ago

I just want to let all the men out there know that women do have teeth. If you shove your dick in my face (or my face to your dick), I may use them.

mrex
mrex
6 years ago

But porn stars have multiple organs immediately with *no* foreplay. And as we know, porn is the best place to learn about sex, red pill subreddit aside! /s

Seriously though, there’s something rotten in Denmark when *making out and fooling around* is burdensome. ><

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