On Reddit’s Ask The Red Pill subeddit, a fellow called ThreeEyez comes to the group with a romantic conundrum:
I’ve known some guys to say that they just chill with a girl and just ask her for some head so they don’t have to kiss her. Usually I figured you have to escalate with a chick like make out with her, get her horny, etc. In my case, thats what I usually have to do. Has anybody else had success in just asking?
While one rude fellow tries to derail the conversation with some totally irrelevant comments (“You don’t enjoy kissing? Perhaps you suck at kissing”) others rally and give young ThreeEyez some highly useful advice.
As the Red Pill collective see it, there are many correct ways to handle the whole “how do I get my dingus in her piehole tout suite without breaking frame or having to kiss aforementioned icky piehole” question.
Here, inquiring fellows, are eight of them, none of which require treating the piehole-haver as an actual human being, and only some most of which could possibly get you arrested for indecent exposure and/or sexual assault.
1) The Pull Out the General Method
“Avoid asking her for anything, that’s not the red [pill] way to go. It’s better to be declarative, whip out the general, smile at her and go with somethin’ sultry like ‘this is where you suck my dick beautiful…'”
2) The Stick it in Her Face Method
“Stick it in her face and say ‘suck my dick.'”
3) The “Wassup” Method
“[P]ulling it out and looking her in the face or pulling it out and saying, ‘Wassup?'”
4) The Excuse Me While I Whip This Out Method
“I just whip it out. She usually knows what to do with it. If she backs off, well then you weren’t going anywhere with her anyway.”
5) The “Eyes Have It” Method
“Look into her eyes, hold eye contact 5 sec. then turn my head to my dick, this results in ‘she knows. i know. my dick knows. her pussy knows’.”
6) The Unbutton Unmethod
“I just stand close to my wife and unbutton my pants, she knows what to do.”
7) The Shove Her Face in Your Junk Method
“You shouldn’t have to ask. I usually just use my body to get her there. If she doesn’t want to suck your dick she either has hang-ups with cock, or she’s probably not that into you.”
8) The Shove Her Hands In Your Pants Method
“[P]ut their hand down your pants when your dick is hard or halfway hard and theyll know whats up. thats what i do. literally been sitting on the couch w my gf and did that. worked. i only date girls who are pretty cool usually and not annoying cunts i want to kick in the face.”
What a romantic!
NOTE: As this is the Ask The Red Pill subreddit, you need to remember that phrases like “I usually” and “I just” should be generally taken to mean “I saw this in a porno” and/or “I desperately wish this were true.”
That guy in the image looks like Romney’s creepy son.
I don’t see what could possibly go wrong…
I wonder if this sort of advice will cause trauma for a blow-job eager, but otherwise mostly decent guys and the woman unfortunate enough to be his date. Or are these techniques that nobody but irredeemable douchebags could think would work?
I’ve long been married and know what my wife likes (not these suggestions), so it’s an academic question.
I guess it’s part of a larger question about how much the “red pill” is harming people who weren’t otherwise going to be toxic regardless.
I can’t understand why any woman wouldn’t go out or be anywhere near these charmers. /s
“That’s not the red pill way”
“That’s not the rapist way” FTFY
It’s sad, these people can’t conceive of a relationship where both partners freely and joyfully have sex with each other. Where you can simply communicate what you need. TRPs, If you’re with someone who is willing to put up with this kind of behavior, that person is with you in spite of the bizarre games, not because of them.
I think reading this just added another five years of celibacy to my schedule.
I’m thinking that “technique” is a pretty loosely used term in this context – mostly because I can’t see any of those scenarios being successful.
@Doug “I guess it’s part of a larger question about how much the “red pill” is harming people who weren’t otherwise going to be toxic regardless.”
I’m not sure anyone who didn’t already hold toxic views about women would hang out on red pill sites, unless they were doing so to laugh at RPers or something.
Btw, it seems the mainstream media has taken notice of Aaron Clarey’s mantrum over Mad Max having a woman in it:
http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/films/news/mad-max-fury-road-enrages-mens-rights-activists-who-claim-they-are-being-duped-by-explosions-into-watching-feminist-propaganda-10249443.html
Well, you know what they say:
‘First they ignore you.
Then they laugh at you.
Then they go back to ignoring you.
Then you get blocked on Twitter’
(Ghandi)
And that’s what makes your quote perfect; bravo!
The notion these people have of sex is so unidimensional and mechanic. It´s like the idea of two people really enjoying and respecting and caring for each other in a sexual encounter never occurs to them. It´s all about dicks and holes where they can put them, isn´t it. So sad.
“This is where you suck my dick beautiful”
Such sultry. Very romance.
How about “I’d like to get intimate but I hate kissing, is it ok?”
And then bring up oral if the answer is yes.
But no, these guys are below using articulate language!
I sometimes wonder if these guys are all secretly trolling each other.
What I hate is the shove her down towards your lap method. Nothing makes me want a guy’s Dickinson less than that.
Leaving the autocorrect substitution in because it’s funny.
Maybe it’s just me, but I have to wonder by what thought process one ends up expecting oral sex while refusing to so much as kiss their partner. Plus, kissing is awesome, so what’s his problem?!? 😛
Then again, we’re talking about people who think sexual harassment, if not outright assault, are proper ways to handle romantic relationships.
None of these things would result in me leaving as soon as possible, no way!
I’m with JoctheWriter on this.
If there was a book titled “World’s Worst Sex Advice” these dudes would be featured in it. I’m filing every one of those answers under “Shit that never happened”.
Besides, why would you ask men these questions?
The question should be, “Ladies, how do you enjoy being approached for oral? What makes you hot for cock? How would the perfect lover ask you for oral sex?”
A better choice is to ASK THE WOMAN YOU WANT TO PREFORM FELLATIO ON YOU DIRECTLY. Only she can tell you what she likes.
You don’t ask a bunch of misogynist shitheads who constantly complain that they can’t get laid for advice on sexing the ladies.
What truly baffles me is how hung up they are on not giving women pleasure of any kind. Isn’t that half the fun? I want my lover to have as much fun as possible and he wants the same for me. It isn’t fun unless everybody is having a good time. If sex with all men was so joyless, no one but professional sex workers would have sex with men. It would be a pointless chore.
This explains why they’re all whining about going without when they aren’t pretending to be Casanova. Women won’t have them more than once, if that often.
The way they think bjs are degrading to women, I think it’s safe to say they wouldn’t know what to do with an enthusiastic cocksucker. A power bottom would probably send them screaming into the night.
The least terrible of those suggestions is probably the eye contact one, simply because it doesn’t involve sexual assault or whipping out his dick unasked.
But criminy, what the hell is wrong with, you know, using your words to ASK your partner about things you’d like to try?
Oh wait I know. It’s because asking then gives them agency and these guys aren’t interested in a mutual partnership with another autonomous person, they just want to plug in the right cheat code to make the sex-thing do what they want.
None of those guys have ever gotten a blowjob. NOT ONE.
“…whip out the general, smile at her and go with somethin’ sultry like ‘this is where you suck my dick beautiful…’ ”
And that is where I whip out the pepper spray. Right on the johnson.
Imagine if the question had been, “How do you get a man to let you do stuff to his butt without kissing him first?” and the answers resembled these.
Yeah, flat-out cold pull out your pud, that always works. Chick’s all like
http://stepenterprise.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/tumblr_mn64cwc8mo1so4yflo2_250.gif
Is it just me, or do these guys have a thing about bodily fluids, that is constantly at war with their thing where they’ll die if someone doesn’t touch them right now ?
Just whip out your strap on and tell him, “This is when you sit on my big silicone cock, beautiful.”
I’m sure that wouldn’t go over like a lead balloon.