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“Stay fit and slim by taking amphetamine,” and other questionable advice from the past. With pictures.

Probably good advice.
Probably good advice.

We’re going way off-topic for this one. Some good advice, and bad advice, from days gone by. (After the jump.)

Not a good idea.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this “magic powder” is probably not such a good idea.
Good advice. Lions are large, wild animals.
Good advice. Lions are large, wild animals.
I'm going to say "good advice." Have a good time. Be your freaky self.
I’m going to say “good advice.” Be your freaky self.
Very bad idea.
Very bad idea.
Good idea. I mean, what the heck, it's good cardio, and you're probably not going to sprain anything.
Uh, good advice? I mean, what the heck, it’s decent cardio, and you’re probably not going to sprain anything.
Bad idea. Just say no to  peer pressure!
Bad idea. Just say no to peer pressure!
Uh, good advice? I mean, if you're both consenting adults, and you're not in monogamous relationships with anyone else, why the heck not?
Uh, good advice? I mean, if you’re both consenting adults and not in monogamous relationships with anyone else, why the heck not?
What? I mean, it's good to plan for all contingencies, but dude, you're creeping me the fuck out.
What? Sure, it’s good to plan for all contingencies, but you’re creeping me the fuck out.
Bad idea. If animals start ordering you to do things, do not listen to them. Animals cannot talk. Did you just take peyote? Try to remember.
Bad idea. If animals start ordering you to do things, DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. Animals cannot talk. Did you just take a massive dose of peyote? Try to remember.
Uh, it's dog food. I dont think you need to smell it.  Look on the internet to see what brands are safe and healthy for your dog.
Uh, it’s dog food. It’s going to smell gross. Look on the internet to see what brands are safe and healthy like a normal person.
I don't know what the fuck is going on here but whatever you do, DO NOT DRINK ANY GROVE'S TASTELESS CHILL TONIC. I REPEAT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT DRINK GROVE'S TONIC.
I don’t know what the fuck is going on here but whatever you do, DO NOT DRINK ANY GROVE’S TASTELESS CHILL TONIC. I REPEAT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT DRINK GROVE’S TONIC.
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Ellesar
Ellesar
6 years ago

Teach Your Wife to be a Widow? Is this seriously a book about how to be a widow?

Lady Mondegreen
6 years ago

Obviously the little Grove’s boy fell asleep with his pet pig. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T FALL ASLEEP.

marinerachel
marinerachel
6 years ago

I actually dont know how to do the hustle so I thank you for the informative graphic.

Lady Mondegreen
6 years ago

By the way, did you guys know that Kevin McCarthy was Mary McCarthy’s brother?

Ellesar
Ellesar
6 years ago

Checked it out, and yes, is exactly that. You’d think that maybe *other widows* would be a good source of info?!

Noadi
6 years ago

So because I’m curious like that I looked up the Phosferine Tonic Wine. Apparently all phosferine is is a mixture of quinine with a few other ingredients (originally phosphoric acid was one of them). And you can still get phosferine liquid online though it’s apparently now made with citric acid. I’m guessing the tonic wine just had that mixed with some form of alcohol. So a patent medicine version of a gin and tonic. I actually like tonic water with a little lime, no gin needed.

Policy of Madness
Policy of Madness
6 years ago

What? No ads for cocaine tablets, or Bayer’s Heroin?

http://io9.com/how-todays-illegal-drugs-were-marketed-as-medicines-510258499

Kloe Jemmer (@JoeKlemmer)

Damn, Dave… I really wanted to try Grove’s Tasteless Chilled Tonic. Wanted to see how it stacked up to Yakov’s Elixir.

Banana Jackie Cake, the Best Jackie and Cake! Yum! (^v^)
Banana Jackie Cake, the Best Jackie and Cake! Yum! (^v^)
6 years ago

I looked it up and that tasteless chill tonic was a malaria prevention medicine, which lessened the bitterness of quinine by adding some syrup and crasp to it. Considering that malaria makes it hard to eat and causes vomiting, it makes sense. In context.

Still didn’t need to have a baby’s head on a pig.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

Just to tie it back in to Menz Rightz somehow, that amphetamine one is the reason why women are no longer skinny, happy housewives like they used to be in the Good Old Days. The Good Old Days, it turns out, were only “good” because women were drugged to the gills to put up with all that shit. War, rationing, AND housework? Ugh, pass.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

I learned the rope hustle and the line hustle in dancing school. Occasions on which I’ve used it since: zero.

Sometimes I wonder which staples of today’s conventional wisdom will be mocked 70 years from now. “Ha ha, those wacky people of the 2010s! They swallowed aspirin for headaches and put broken bones in casts, instead of downloading bioware upgrades from the holo-clinic!”

fruitloopsie
fruitloopsie
6 years ago

“Dance you fool” is pretty funny
I know how to do the hustle now and “teach your wife to be a widow” is creepy. Is he going to war or is going to commit suicide or what? And the last two grossed me out.

zoon echon logon
zoon echon logon
6 years ago

Look at the object in the guy’s hand in the “Teach your wife to be a widow” ad. This is clear, irrefutable evidence that the so called “iphone” existed long before They claim it was “invented.”

Wake up, sheeple!

proxieme
proxieme
6 years ago

The pig-boy kind of looks like Bobby Hill.

That boy ain’t right, Ah tell ya hwhat.

Banana Jackie Cake, the Best Jackie and Cake! Yum! (^v^)
Banana Jackie Cake, the Best Jackie and Cake! Yum! (^v^)
6 years ago

@proxieme

Assistant: That’s pig boy.

G.W. Bush: Pig-heart-transplant boy or pig-saving boy?

Assistant: Er, pig-body-transplant boy.

G.W. Bush: Uh…

sunnysombrera
6 years ago

Would like to make the point that nobody should “Get It On” while wearing roller skates. It’ll only end in tears.

proxieme
proxieme
6 years ago

@fruitloopsie: ???? Now it all comes together.

Also, BWAAAH!

https://youtu.be/NKmoze-hlXU

Falconer
6 years ago

“Do Not Tease A Lion” reminds me of the “don’t tease the panther” line from Glenn Beck’s magnum opus The Overton Window. The line is the hero’s way of warning the love interest that he’s a rapist.

Thanks, David, for making me remember that.

Banana Jackie Cake, the Best Jackie and Cake! Yum! (^v^)
Banana Jackie Cake, the Best Jackie and Cake! Yum! (^v^)
6 years ago

@proxieme

athyco
6 years ago

That damned Roger I. Donald book. Ugh.

I, in my late thirties, sat in on a couple of my mom’s lessons as dad (after receiving his cancer diagnosis) began teaching her to be a widow. Luckily, he didn’t stage them as the illustration with her sitting at his feet with important papers spilling untidily from her lap, her face questioning as she held up something that looked to be a checkbook or bank passbook.

She’s fine now, but recently, she said to me that she had felt very uncomfortable with widowhood leaving her “a 1938 nineteen at sixty-one” regarding finances, filing taxes, renewing car tags–numerous basic things that dad had done for decades without once thinking to include her in understanding the processes. He had sisters who were single and did these things for themselves. He knew that I had done these things for myself. But mom was his wife.

It surprised me–these rigid roles had happened right under my nose, and mom had to become his caretaker, deal with her grief and fear for the future, add to that extra things like her nervousness in driving him for chemo in heavier traffic along more unfamiliar routes than ever before in her “the husband is the driver” life. On top of that, she felt his impatience if she didn’t learn quickly enough all these lessons that he found to be imperative. You know how sometimes someone’s exact words stick with you for years and years? “The world is going to destroy you, Betty,” I heard him say to her once, when she hadn’t completely understood something he was trying to tell her about his retirement benefits.

I’ll never tell her that I was angry with my dad for making her feel more hapless while the thought of losing him was making her feel more hopeless. Of course not–it’s complicated with my own feelings of loss, after all. But it was still there.

Mari
Mari
6 years ago

The Tasteless Chill Tonic ad, creepy as it is, illustrates why being skinny was not always considered a plus. Plump babies and children especially tended to survive more than skinny ones. They still do in areas where diarrhea and the resulting dehydration is a major cause of death in children.

One of my kids was always very small for her age, in the zero percentile for weight and height. Every time we got a new doctor, they’d check her out from top to toe, ask how tall her grandmothers were, and announce, “It’s heredity.” That didn’t help when a mild stomach disorder was enough to leave her hollow-eyed and listless after just a few hours of diarrhea when she was three. After two hours on an IV, she was herself again, but I know that without modern medicine, we would likely have lost her. Now that’s a thought to give me the chills!

On a lighter note, it reminds me of a line from a Lois McMaster Bujold book about cultural tastes that appreciated women with enough body fat to survive minor famines.

Tessa
6 years ago

To be fair David, crows and ravens can learn to speak, and they are also quite intelligent. So if a crow happened to learn English and wished to give me helpful advice, I might just take it.

Mari
Mari
6 years ago

athyco, I’m sorry for your loss. I also understand your anger. I think there’s always an illogical feeling of being deserted when a loved one dies, and his comment was tactless. And, yes, there are somethings you just don’t say because they’ll hurt. Feelings are complicated.

But at least he gave your mother the information she needed to go on after his death. I remember cases in my neighborhood when I was a teenager where women were completely lost when their husbands died. One woman’s husband died intestate, and it turned out everything, including the car she’d paid for with her own wages, was in his name. His kids from a previous marriage insisted on their piece of the estate, and she had to sell her house. She’d worked throughout the marriage and handed him her paycheck. When he died, she not only had no credit rating and no knowledge of finances, she wasn’t entitled to all the property they’d accumulated together.

My sibs and I were afraid of a similar situation when my father died suddenly. But it turned out most of the accounts were in both their names, and my mother knew where every penny was allocated. She explained that he paid the bills, etc. because he enjoyed the task and she didn’t care. The only thing that was exclusively in his name was the phone because they’d read that obscene phone callers looked for women’s names in the phone book.

gilshalos
6 years ago

Anyone for a chorus of ‘Mother’sLittleHelper’ ?

Robert
Robert
6 years ago

My parents were so certain that he would die first, she didn’t have a will and his left everything to her. When she died, he hadn’t paid a bill or driven a car for over a decade. He had to give my younger sister (who lived with them) power of attorney for six months while she taught him how to write checks and read a bank statement. The first time he saw a bill from the credit card company, he almost screamed; he thought the outstanding balance was what he had to pay that month.

Strange thing is, that’s what I do in my marriage – I bring in most of the money, and my husband takes care of the bills. I’ve been married twice, and both times with a man who is eerily similar to my mother.

Now I want some Tasteless Chill Tonic.

athyco
athyco
6 years ago

Thanks, Mari. Yeah, he did give her the information, and he never came near those omg situations you remember from your neighborhood. Not have mom’s name on accounts, deeds, registrations, and such? That would have been unthinkable for him, even if her involvement was only signing where he said sign.

I have to admit, the situation had a salutary effect on my relationship with my son’s SO. I’ve been adamant that they be transparent with each other in all financial situations, and she’s said that theirs is the first relationship she’s had in which there have been few (and only minor) arguments about money. I guess an MRA might see my insistence as a chapter in the book Teach Your Wife to Divorce You and Take Everything Since She Knows About It, but the evidence so far is falling into the fewer arguments, greater trust, and realistic expectations categories.

Robert
Robert
6 years ago

Not completely sure about this, but apparently there is a successor product to Phosferine Tonic Wine, called Buckfast Tonic Wine. It’s a fortified wine (12.5% alcohol) with more caffeine than Red Bull. It has a bad reputation in Scotland as the beverage of choice for violent and anti-social young men. The makers took out the cinchona bark and replaced it with caffeine. Sounds like Four Loko in a glass bottle.

latsot (@latsot)
6 years ago

@Oh Hi There: CRITICAL BILE BEANS UPDATE:

http://www.ghostsigns.co.uk/2013/06/bile-beans-york-correction-and-update.html

For some reason I always wanted to live in the room with that little window.

Malitia - SJW Who Lurks Above in Shadow
Malitia - SJW Who Lurks Above in Shadow
6 years ago

Eh… the advice of crows or ravens is alright (well as much as meeting a talking animal ever is “I might need to see a doctor”). People should be more vary about magpies!

brooked
brooked
6 years ago

My mother was prescribed amphetamines in the late 60s after her second pregnancy (got to lose that pesky baby weight!) but luckily quickly stopped taking them because she didn’t like the side effects, particularly the insomnia.

Irene
Irene
6 years ago

My mother was prescribed amphetamines DURING two of her pregnancies.

brooked
brooked
6 years ago

@Irene

Wow, that’s even worse. A lot worse.

marinerachel
marinerachel
6 years ago

MISANDRY
comment image

Penny Psmith
Penny Psmith
6 years ago

@Oh Hi There – Thanks, it did feel a bit fake and I was wondering. However, “bile beans” (according to Wikipedia, a sort of laxative) sound like an equally bad idea.

Penny Psmith
Penny Psmith
6 years ago

“Poop your way to thinness!”

(When did people start setting so much weight by bowl regularity? For that matter, when did they – thankfully – stop?)

Lordcrowstaff
Lordcrowstaff
6 years ago

I’d take the advice of talking crows any time. In my book, crows, ravens and owls are ok for that sort of thing. I wouldn’t take advice from foxes, though, or cats, much as I love them.

marinerachel
marinerachel
6 years ago

Crows can talk too, to be fair.

sn0rkmaiden
6 years ago

When I saw the headline for this post I thought it was a real headline from one of those ‘let’s bully some dudes with stupid fitness advice’ articles from Return of Kings. In fact, this looks like the kind of advice Matt Forney would push.

Re: teach your wife to be a widow, some of the accounts here are sobering, and reinforce why the MRA theories on marriage, with the women living like obedient children, are so wrong. Though I imagine the Redpillians don’t give a damn what might happen to their wives and families after they’re gone.

Penny Psmith
Penny Psmith
6 years ago

Crows can learn speech about as well as a parrot can (words and simple phrases, mostly in the form of repetition rather than understanding), so I don’t think that having one speak eloquently enough to give advice is possible without the help of some sort of hallucinogen.

Also, while they are definitely very intelligent birds, I’m not sure how good their advice would be for humans. “Hey! There’s some roadkill two blocks over that’s only half-rotten, come over and grab some! I’ll stand watch for cars and big dogs!”

catmara
6 years ago

Penny Psmith:

(When did people start setting so much weight by bowl regularity? For that matter, when did they – thankfully – stop?)

It seems to have been a big thing in the late 19th/ early 20th centuries. My grandmother and her siblings were routinely dosed with senna pods on a Saturday evening, a practice which left her at least with serious GI problems in later life.

There was some basis in fact for this obsession with ones bowels as I believe that the types of food and the preservation techniques in use at the time meant that a lot of peoples’ diets were deficient in soluble fibre. But like in many things, it was taken to ridiculous extremes. The idea of giving a powerful laxative like senna to children would be unthinkable nowadays… though I’m sure there are some idiots out there doing just that because it’s “natural” 🙁

mildlymagnificent
6 years ago

I remember cases in my neighborhood when I was a teenager where women were completely lost when their husbands died.

A friend of my mother’s was in that position when her husband died in his mid 40s. She couldn’t drive. She had no idea where the bank was – he’d used a branch near his work. Their arrangement was that he handled the money and the bills and she got a housekeeping allowance and a clothing allowance for herself and the kids – nothing else.

Apart from dealing with her grief, she basically had a near nervous breakdown every few weeks as she had to find her way to go and pay the bills for power, gas, phone, council rates, water, phone, insurance and all the rest of it – and she had no idea where any of those places were, nor did she know how to use a chequebook. I have no idea how she managed the house payments/transfer of ownership, though I suspect Legacy or her husband’s battalion mates might have helped out there.

Mum was horrified. She wasn’t backward about coming forward to mention it in conversation with neighbours and workmates and people at church. She didn’t want to see anyone else go through that.

Penny Psmith
Penny Psmith
6 years ago

@catmara –
I’ve heard of that! Or, well, not of senna specifically (I remember hearing of castor oil) but about the general trend. And yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised if some people still used that stuff.

Some years ago, in one of the stores in the Old City (Jerusalem), I actually saw snake oil for sale. Snake oil! I never really thought of it as more than the proverbial “fake medicine sold by charlatans”, but apparently it not only is a real thing, but there is still demand for it in the 21st century. Gotta see if I have that picture online somewhere.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
6 years ago

Snake oil!

It’s invaluable for when you’ve got a squeaky snake.

Spindrift
Spindrift
6 years ago

@marinerachel “MISANDRY”

You could maybe argue a misandry connection of a sort with kellogg’s corn flakes. Their inventor, John Harvey Kellogg, had the idea that a bland food like corn flakes would decrease or prevent excitement and arousal, and thus keep people from masturbating. He was a strong advocate of male circumcision, also to keep boys from masturbating.

Though from what I’ve read he was rather horrible regarding female sexuality too, so it’s not so much misandry and more of a general belief that sex (masturbation especially) is evil. It’s just that circumcision ended up being popular in the USA and his prescribed methods for dealing with female masturbators didn’t catch on(thank goodness!).

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Harvey_Kellogg , TW for talk of genital mutilation.

Penny Psmith
Penny Psmith
6 years ago

@Alan: Not gonna start messing with blockquotes without a preview function, but… ha! (wink wink nudge nudge, squeaky snake eh, saynomore, saynomore, knowhatImean)

Penny Psmith
Penny Psmith
6 years ago

Found the picture! It’s sold as a “hair repair” product, apparently.

http://images54.fotki.com/v451/filexQw0/78671/5/537586/1923712/DSCF1953.jpg

Christina Nordlander
6 years ago

Sometimes a parrot talks!

KadeKo
KadeKo
6 years ago

The figures in “Teach Your Wife to Be A Widow” are giving me a major Moral Orel flashback.