So I’m on a couple of pickup artist email lists — I always mean to mine them for posts here but somehow never get around to even looking at the emails that pile up in my inbox.
Today, I looked. Because how could you not look at an email that opens like this:
There’s so much to unpack here. We’ve got prehensile breasts trying to wiggle their way to freedom. We’ve got a woman in a grocery store who flirts with men by literally grabbing all the vaguely phallic vegetables a dude has in his cart. (Also, why was this dude shopping with a pickup guru? Does he only buy phallic vegetables, in hopes of attracting grabby women with prehensile breasts?)
And then we have a pickup artist trying to convince us that he’s got some magical phrase — available only to those who give him their credit card number — that will enable men to lure grocery-grabbing women into having sex.
I’m pretty sure that if a woman is literally grabbing your penis-shaped produce in a grocery store, either you have wandered onto the set of a porn film, or, you know, she likes you and you don’t actually need a “money line” to magically win her over. All you have to do is decide if you like her too, and if you do, suggest getting something to eat, or drink, or pretty much anything that involves hanging out more. It’s not that complicated. Women aren’t locks to be picked.
I’m also pretty sure that someone who writes sentences like this
… isn’t someone you want to rely on as your own personal Cyrano de Bergerac.
Has anyone really been as far as even decided to use more money line to do look more like breasts?
“Her breasts were struggling to escape her shirt, as she grabbed his cucumber and carrots…”
Here’s how I imagine the sitation: he took the last vegetables and she really, really wanted to make that salad… kinda like this:
http://www.fotos-hochladen.net/uploads/gdkgjdsfjdklv32myflutco.jpg
I couldn’t make sense of anything in the above newsletter. I’ve read some pretty dire fan-fic that wasn’t as badly-written as that.
Her boobs must be really determined… I don’t know any lady with unruly breasts who doesn’t keep them securely holstered at all times.
And I, too, read the “cucumber” to mean a large penis, and the “carrots” to mean at least two other, smaller auxiliary penises.
But I guess this was one of those rare situations where a PUA used the words “cucumber” and “carrots” in the literal sense, and all this takes place in a green-grocer’s?
Still a weird choice of word for her to “grab” them – that suggests urgency, but it’s not a sexy motion. No grabby hands near the phallic objects, please.
But nonetheless, we’re meant to infer that she would have readily given this man her phone number AND had a “wild night of sex” with him, if only he had asked her using a specific combination of words?
Why do these women only want to do sex the same way (wildly), that same night, with no other kinds of interaction involved? Like, not even a coffee-date first, or a movie? Why must she wait for some PUA to initiate in order to make this happen? Or why just give him her phone number and rely on him to call her instead of agreeing a time and a place right there and then?
I think the bit about the money line could just be in need of some punctuation.
Answers on a postcard as to what the “money line” might be…
PUA: “Well, what do you expect by failing to properly secure and muzzle your unruly breasts, you wh*re? Let’s fuck!”
@QuantumInc
I know EXACTLY the webcomic you’re thinking of and I thought of it too! Here it is (can’t embed the image):
http://www.cad-comic.com/cad/20061025
I kind of wish that breasts were prehensile. I could get a lot more done if I had two more useful appendages.
I’ve also got a garden bed right now that is chock full of carrots in all sorts of sizes and colors. I think I might have the vegetable version of the cock carousel right in my own back yard.
@Tyra Lith, @sunnysombrera Are these alternate versions of Tommy Knockers?
David Futrelle
This has got to be one of strangest things I’ve ever read.
@Tessa:
I did work a register at a grocery store, about 15 years ago. I was a guy, so I didn’t get the oh-so-clever come ons, but there was plenty I heard over and over and over again, and a few things I only heard once, like, “You want ID? Here’s my concealed carry permit. That good enough?” and the guy who paid with a $20 and then claimed he’d given me a $100 bill.
@Spindrift:
My first thought was, “‘Carrots?!’ What kind of balls did this guy have?”
@Flying Mouse:
I don’t have breasts, but I do have two toddlers, and I could use an extra pair of hands. Throw in another set, and Beloved and I can each have one.
I wished this morning, not for the first time or last, that I was Multiple Man. There’s a guy who gets chores done fast.
Cucumbers aren’t root vegetables. They’re gourds. Like zucchini or pumpkin.
For that matter, if it resembles a cucumber, you should be going straight to the ER–gangrene can spread if not properly treated.
*******
Because I’ve got the ability to read and translate Shitty Writer (seriously, I must have some weird karma from previous lives), I actually get the last line. He’s suggesting that there’s a single line that works no matter how the woman in question is comporting herself, with respect to her breasts. The claim is that it works just as well if the woman is wearing a low-cut top and literally bouncing her heels to make her bosom jiggle, OR if she’s in a loose-fitting sweatshirt, pinching the bridge of her nose and grumbling about yet another asshole making cheesy references to her breasts. So long as the subject, explicit or implicit, is “boobs”, This One Line will unlock her vagina like the thieves’ cave parting for someone talking about grain.
The notion of a single line for all contexts is, of course, utterly asinine. Of the portion of Manospherism that isn’t directly about hatred of women, I think ninety percent is a complete inability to appreciate the importance of context.
Oh, good. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought that.
@ej:
Coincidentally, I’m having meat & two veg for lunch. I very much doubt anybody would find meatloaf a flattering comparison to their STALWART MEMBER, though.
“Her breasts were struggling to escape her shirt, as she grabbed his cucumber and carrots…”
I… huh? Am I reading a bad erotic fanfiction here? (This is what I get for reading a LOT of bad erotica, to be honest.)
The “money line” is probably the one that is guaranteed to “pay off” with sex, though it’s hard to be sure since the writer refused to use English syntax.
Oh Tyra, I don’t want to live in a world that has such monsters in’t!
@Falconer – It’s laundry day at the House of Mouse. I’m now wistfully thinking of how quickly I could fold if these darned things would just pitch in and help a little bit.
Hey, blockquote monster, good to see ya!
I very much doubt anybody would find meatloaf a flattering comparison to their STALWART MEMBER, though.
Flattening, maybe.
@Flying Mouse:
From an outside perspective, they do seem to get in the way a lot.
This has been done before, only with celery. So it’s not as bizarre as it might at first appear. (Okay, so it is as bizarre as it appears…darn it, now I’m hungry and lunchtime is still an hour away, drat.)
@Flying Mouse:
I totally agree. And if they could bite like Tyra Lith’s up there, even better!
@friday jones: not even if they could scare PUAs away? I think that would be a practical feature 😀
I think Ancillary Penis comes after Ancillary Mercy.
True story my mum tells occasionally. Someone she knew was a much more confident person than she ever was. We’re talking 1940s here, so we’re talking panties exactly like those in that image. They were walking on North Terrace, one of the city’s main streets but with lots of trees and lawns, and the elastic in her knickers failed. Panties collapsed around her feet, she stepped neatly out of them, gracefully bent her knees and picked them up and into her bag all in one graceful movement. No fuss. No worry. Never skipped a beat.