So I’m on a couple of pickup artist email lists — I always mean to mine them for posts here but somehow never get around to even looking at the emails that pile up in my inbox.
Today, I looked. Because how could you not look at an email that opens like this:
There’s so much to unpack here. We’ve got prehensile breasts trying to wiggle their way to freedom. We’ve got a woman in a grocery store who flirts with men by literally grabbing all the vaguely phallic vegetables a dude has in his cart. (Also, why was this dude shopping with a pickup guru? Does he only buy phallic vegetables, in hopes of attracting grabby women with prehensile breasts?)
And then we have a pickup artist trying to convince us that he’s got some magical phrase — available only to those who give him their credit card number — that will enable men to lure grocery-grabbing women into having sex.
I’m pretty sure that if a woman is literally grabbing your penis-shaped produce in a grocery store, either you have wandered onto the set of a porn film, or, you know, she likes you and you don’t actually need a “money line” to magically win her over. All you have to do is decide if you like her too, and if you do, suggest getting something to eat, or drink, or pretty much anything that involves hanging out more. It’s not that complicated. Women aren’t locks to be picked.
I’m also pretty sure that someone who writes sentences like this
… isn’t someone you want to rely on as your own personal Cyrano de Bergerac.
Uh. Yeah. If she’s literally fondling your root vegetables, I’m pretty sure you could get away with a pickup line on the order of “nice shoes- wanna fuck?”
I don’t know if I would trust a woman with prehensile breasts. Isn’t that associated with vagina dentata?
If your penis resembles a carrot, you should probably get your liver checked out. That doesn’t sound healthy.
Am I the only one who is reminded of the old Bill Hicks routine on “why Penthouse Forum Letters are fake”‘? Just me? Okay then…
OR she could be working the register, in which case she would be obliged to take everything out of the cart. Doesn’t mean she’s into you, even if she’s … checking you out.
Ba dum tss
http://static.fjcdn.com/comments/Ba+dum+tish+_6f699575d5d07e65400a5b836b919754.jpg
I think the guy who just paid for his groceries and left didn’t feel like having sex with her for any number of reasons. Not that PUAs or whoever would understand that.
I assumed she was just the checker and PUA read all this sexual tension into the exchange in front of him at check-out? Also, I’ve been flirted with by checkers before. And I’ve never slept with them. Because that’s like, not how grocery stores work?
Holy incoherency, Batman! It’s like he randomly chopped up three or four sentences and then threw the phrases back together in no discernible order.
Regarding flirting with checkers? I feel the same way there as I do when the idea of pursuing flirting bartenders or waitresses: Namely it is incredibly difficult to tell where the “being pleasant” (in the case of restaurant workers trying to get tips) ends and “actual interest” begins and you don’t go for relationships because it puts everyone in a really awkward position if there isn’t interest.
Falconer, a++ pun and also that was my thought. Also, what if dude whose carrots were being grabbed was gay? Or tired? Or not interested? PUAs seem to think men will always want to have sex with anything presenting as a female human.
Is that NLP? Is he trying to hypnotize us with a confusion induction?
Yeah, from reading that, I assumed it was the check out line. In which she didn’t have a choice but to grab the groceries… And as someone who has worked check out (not in a grocery store, but still), no matter what witty or suggestive thing you can think of, we’ve heard it 17 times that day… I can only imagine what a grocery checkout person gets, especially when dudes like this buy vaguely phallic veggies.
I also assumed this was the checkout line, because otherwise it wouldn’t make much sense for the guy to just leave without going “Hey! Why are you grabbing at my vegetables???” So, yeah. Not really reading any sexy connotations at all.
I’m seriously confused by this “money line”. It says “if only HE used this money line…” like it’s a surefire pickup line that will get him laid, but the explanation is a line that “SHE ever talks about.” I’m assuming it’s referring to the line PUAs should use when women complain about dudes staring at their breasts, but that doesn’t make sense either, because it’s implied grocery store guy should’ve said it, but cucumber-groping lady *isn’t* complaining about dudes staring at her breasts, so it’d be out of the blue and way creepy if he said a line tailored for that somewhat specific context…seriously, what does it all mean?????
Um, yeah. Don’t compare your junk to your produce when hitting on grocery store cashiers, kids. Actually, don’t hit on grocery store cashiers at all.
Ah he probably did mean the cashier.
By money line, do they mean, “Pay us money for this terrible pun to use when talking to a woman who is just trying to do her job and literally cannot choose whether or not to deal with your shit”?
Putting phallic foods in your cart so that you can pretend the cashier is flirting with you when she picks them up totally sounds like something these guys would do.
Maybe “money line” is just another term for checkout line, eg, instead of standing in the regular money line, he should have chosen the money line where the cashier chatters incessantly about her breasts.
I can totally see some PUA guru advising men to buy phallic groceries as a way of meeting women. “Fill your cart with salami and bananas, then pick a female cashier…” It must get exhausting, treating every single interaction as an chance for sex and feeling like a failure if it doesn’t happen.
Spoiler alert: the money line to get someone’s number is “can I have your number?” that’s it. It’s easy. I’ll give it to you for free!
Just don’t be a douche if/when they say no.
Speaking of cyrano. http://oglaf.com/cyrano/
I flirt with the cute French barista in the mornings. So far no shenanigans have ensued, but I’ll keep you up to date. Especially if he start fondling my coffee cups.
*starts
The “Money Line” quote is grammatically horrendous but I am pretty sure he’s referring to something the woman might say that would be a strong indicator of interest. Essentially every time she makes reference to an attractive body part it means she wants you…even if that’s complaining about how men objectify her boobs. I could kinda understand if there was a nod a wink and a giggle, but really this seems to be part of a particularly aggressive form of wishful thinking and delusions of self grandeur that these “alpha males” aspire to. Of course she wants to ride your pogo shtick! She’s a female! You’re the ultra awesome uber alpha male! She made eye contact! She clearly knows what sex is! It’s just biology! You can’t argue with evo-psych! /end sarcasm
I’m reminded of a gaming related webcomic making fun of the infamous “Dead or Alive” volleyball game. In it the girls are having fun playing, drawn with with breasts of a similar size and shape as the balls (unfortunately only a slight exaggeration compared to the game). By the second panel the breasts are wobbling more and more and girls realize something is wrong. In the final panel the breasts rip free of their ribcages and fly into the distance yelling “I’m free! I’m free!”
Oh, I dunno, November before last, I was shopping for Thanksgiving and couldn’t find any celery. I contemplated filching some unattended produce, but then a nice stocker brought out a half dozen more boxes of it. I really wasn’t looking for a date!
Oh damn! I had no idea other women were using my pick up moves! Gees! I guess I’ll just have to start walking around topless with a sign that says “got root vegetables? I’ve got what you’re looking for!”.
I’m just picturing the reverse now, man walks up to woman’s cart, starts groping all the melons/oranges/tomatos/plums/etc. Just sounds creepy to me. And a clear violation of shopping etiquette.
If a woman was groping phallic items in my shopping cart I’d either assume it was some sort of hidden camera prank going on youtube, or maybe it’s time to call store management.
When I first skimmed the article I just saw the “Her breasts were struggling to escape her shirt, as she grabbed his cucumber and carrots…” and I thought it must be from an erotic short story about a woman with sentient breasts and a man with 1 large penis and several smaller ones. Would have made more sense.