Last Thursday, John Robert Lind of Blaine Minnesota pled guilty to misdemeanor “lewd conduct” charges. Lind’s “lewd conduct?”
He repeatedly, over the course of six months, jacked off into a co-worker’s coffee, and onto her desk, when she wasn’t there.
She eventually caught him standing next to her desk with his hands near his junk and what she called a “deer-in-the-headlights look” on his face, the local CBS affiliate reported. After he hurried away, she noticed “a puddle on the desk” and realized that it hadn’t been spoiled milk that had been making her coffee taste bad. For six months.
Lind, who fessed up to it all, was originally charged with two counts of criminal sexual conduct. But a judge threw out both counts because the statute under which he was charged didn’t define his particular acts as a kind of “sexual contact.”
He could have been charged with criminal sexual conduct if he had ejaculated on her directly. But not for ejaculating on her desk — or into the coffee that she later, unknowingly, drank. And so the New Brighton City Attorney had to resort to a lesser charge.
The victim in this case, Pat Maahs, went public in an attempt to get the law changed. State Representative Debra Hilstrom has taken up this crusade, introducing a bill (now in committee) to close this loophole, making “adulteration by bodily fluid” a felony if an unknowing victim actually eats or drinks the food in question. But in the meantime, at least as Minnesota law sees it, Lind’s actions only count as misdemeanor “lewd conduct,” and won’t even put him on the sex offenders’ registry.
In some ways the creepiest part of the whole story is that Lind, the awkward ejaculator, says he did it not to harass Maahs, but because he was attracted to her, and evidently this was the best way he could think of to express his interest.
EDIT: Fixed wording in one place; corrected the spelling of the victim’s last name.
Medical question for Contra: Is it possible to pass HIV that way?
Just realised I’ve posted the old section. Ignore that.
Criminal Law Act Section 1
Abolition of distinction between felony and misdemeanour.
(1)All distinctions between felony and misdemeanour are hereby abolished.
(2)Subject to the provisions of this Act, on all matters on which a distinction has previously been made between felony and misdemeanour, including mode of trial, the law and practice in relation to all offences cognisable under the law of England and Wales (including piracy) shall be the law and practice applicable at the commencement of this Act in relation to misdemeanour.
So basically you pretend the word isn’t there.
You still awake? 🙂
Wait…so ejaculating into someone’s coffee, is NOT already criminal sexual conduct?
I…I think I’m done for the day.
I second Sarah-EEEEEEEEWWWWWWW!! JUST EEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!! OMG, that is just so EEEWWWWW!! That is so disgusting! I’m speechless, all I can say is EEEWWW!
http://files.sharenator.com/350619.jpg
@Alan Robertshaw
The question is, couldn’t his lawyer make the case that he did not do it “with intent to injure, aggrieve, or annoy” her?
There aren’t enough ews. [shudder]
He did this to express his interest into her? How does someone come up with this idea? That’s a whole new level of social awkwardness.
@ ibis
Good question. “Intent” is a curious concept in English law (and common law generally). The first thing you learn at law school is “intend’ is not synonymous with “want”. In fact you could intend to do something even if it was the last thing you actually wanted.
Basically you “intend” to do something if it’s the natural consequence of your voluntary act.
So in this case it’s pretty forseeable that someone would be aggrieved or annoyed. It’s irrelevant whether the victim actually knows about what you’ve done.
Don’t worry of that’s a bit confusing. You spend your first few months at law school going “Huh? What? But… er….what again?” then it just clicks.
There are a lot of cases on intent though where there are different elements of an offence and you need to establish which bits require intent. Bewildering, but that’s pretty much how we earn our living.
Not Contra, but the risk is very low. Note that the risk is NOT nil, but the chance of infection from swallowing HIV-positive body fluid is actually lower than the chance from just holding it in your mouth.
(and nobody savors office coffee)
Did they fire him? Tell me they fired him. Please.
But seriously, how did he manage to do that for 6 months without getting caught? I’m sure someone must have seen it? If not the victim than at least one of her colleagues. It makes me wonder if someone was turning a blind eye. I mean, other people work there, too, right? I know I am making assumptions about her work place, but I imagine offices to be kinda like this.
http://www.gretchenrubin.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/officescene.jpg
And like this
http://images.bwbx.io/cms/2013-10-10/1010-open-office-630×420.jpg
How did he manage not to get caught for so long?
This isn’t the first time this has happened.
http://losangeles.cbslocal.com/2011/02/24/man-found-guilty-in-semen-assault-case/
Guy ejaculated into a woman’s water bottle “Because her lips had touched it”. He was found guilty of assault and battery, tho.
I also feel like I recently heard a story about a man doing this to a woman’s shoe.
Fucking men.
Anyway, here’s some easter themed brain bleach!
[img]http://i.imgur.com/0HPcbx2.jpg[/img]
[img]http://i.imgur.com/5HdN8vq.jpg[/img]
Is there no end to the depravity of some men? I mean…keep it in the pouch for god’s sake! How hard is it?
Oh hell
If only beautiful women would be more understanding of awkward men, so they wouldn’t have to resort to such measures…
Seriously, how is this not assault??
I forgot how to inline
http://i.imgur.com/0HPcbx2.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/5HdN8vq.jpg
Bullshit. He was expressing his ability to exert power over her by forcing her into contact with him (and in a manner that was clearly sexualized). Although I buy that he didn’t mean to harass her, because a harassment victim knows they’re being harassed, whereas part of the thrill for this guy was the fact that she didn’t know it was happening.
And yeah, even if this wasn’t legally sexual assault, certainly he could be charged with some kind of assault for exposing her to potentially infectious agents?
Gee, I suppose we should just be glad that it wasn’t roofies. [/sarcasm, in case needed]
I can hardly wait to hear what the Menz Rightzers have to say about this. Probably some shit about incels and Coffeejaculation Game.
@Bina
The MRAs’ inevitable response is really worrying me – her name’s out there, they’re guaranteed to harass her.
Yup, me too. And if not her, then I wonder just how many of them plan to copycat what this guy did in some way. Like, say, a poison-pen letter signed with sploodge, or some such.
Aaaaaand now I need to watch that no-no-no kitty video again. Ugh.
I expect that the man in question is grasping for the explanation that puts him in the best light, or the least worst light, possible. I very much doubt he thought this was a viable way to approach her. I guess you never know, though.
Aaaand damselindetech wins an internet for the perfect reaction video to this.
And of course he fucking did.
Ugh. “But I did it because I was sexually attracted to her!”
What, a simple “Hey, you want to go out for drinks sometime?” wouldn’t suffice?! What was this guy thinking?!
Oh wait, I know: “I want to get my rocks off at the expense of the woman I’m attracted to because my peen is more important than her personal space or bodily autonomy.”
Fuck this guy. I hope that that poor woman does get the law re-written and she gets some justice and peace. What happened to her was gross.
@misseb47: Some people have private offices. I’m not sure if you’re from the US or not (or if there’s any other reason), but a lot of companies have private offices for their higher-up workers. Managers and the like. Some companies have cubicles for lower-down workers, or some just only have a few private offices for a handful of people.
It really depends on where you work.
@misseb47
Well, it didn’t say he did it everyday, just over six months. It could have been one or two times…or more…
Also…how does someone get the idea of jizzing all over someone’s stuff and in their drink is a way to express they like someone? Like, IDK, wouldn’t a note be, you know, sweeter? And not transmit any diseases or spoil someone’s coffee or be 500x less disgusting?
I really, really, REALLY hope he didn’t have anything he could have transmitted to her or whoever touched her desk or coffee.
And, also, any sort of misconduct that is sexual in nature–you know, like jizzing over someone shit to somehow show they like someone–should be a sexual offense.