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DEFCOCK 1: Pickup guru Roosh V warns men of ROVING WITCH MOBS and VAGINA-SHAPED MUSHROOM CLOUDS

I couldn't find a nuclear cloud in the shape of a vagina, but here's a regular cloud that looks like a kitty.
I couldn’t find a mushroom cloud shaped like a vagina, so here’s a regular cloud that looks like a kitty.

ATTENTION, MEN OF THE WORLD! More specifically, straight men. Even more specifically, straight men who are gigantic woman-hating douchebags.

Your boy Roosh Valizadeh, pickup guru and rape legalization advocate, would like to warn you about the impending end of the world, at least in terms of you being able to get into women’s pants.

Inspired by the DEFCON system used by the US Military to rate the level of military threat — DEFCON 5 means “chill out, we’ve got this” and DEFCON 1 means “holy crap we’re all gonna die” — Roosh has come up with what he calls the DEFCOCK system — get it? get it? — in order to give dudes “objective and standardized information” on how dude-friendly different countries are.

In countries currently at DEFCOCK 5 — that is, which have what he thinks as the healthiest environment for men — (straight, cis) men benefit from

Completely normal male-female relations in a patriarchal society that believes in a binary gender system of man and woman. Homosexuality is persecuted. Casual sex is difficult (if not impossible). 

Countries at DEFCOCK 5 include Iran, Saudi Arabia and Pakistan. Strangely. Roosh has not himself decided to move to any of these countries.

He then works his way down the list. There’s DEFCOCK 4, which he claims characterizes countries like Russia, Turkey, and Colombia, and in which

Divorce rates may be high, but there is a low threat of divorce rape. A mixture of provider and clown game is needed.

There’s DEFCOCK 3 (Poland, Estonia, Brazil), in which

Women have gained masculine traits and delay monogamy to launch a meaningless office career while experimenting with over 25 local and foreign penises to understand how their vaginas respond to various bad boy stimuli. … 

Huh. I didn’t look up numbers for Estonia and Brazil, but in Poland, according to one recent survey, the average number of lifetime sexual partners is 4.5. Not 45, not 25, 4.5.

And DEFCOCK 2 (England, Scandinavia, the good old US of A), in which

Non-heterosexual lifestyles are promoted as superior and major efforts are undertaken to destroy traditional marriage. Campaigns are launched to shame and criminalize consensual sex and masculine behavior such as flirting and bodybuilding. Divorce rape is common, with likelihood of imprisonment for missing alimony payments. Provider game is useless on beautiful women. Clown game is required for all men wanting to get laid.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that roughly 0.00000% of that is actually true.

There’s only one level scarier than DEFCOCK 2 and that’s, you guessed it, DEFCOCK 1.

Severe threat of imprisonment for men displaying heterosexual or masculine behaviors. Roaming witch mobs actively surveil and monitor men who hint at having normal levels of testosterone.

ROAMING WITCH MOBS!

Women are elevated to goddess status while straight men appointed as their sexual servants through both legal action and media shaming.

GOVERNMENT MANDATED SEXUAL SERVITUDE!

Unsafe to live, fornicate, marry, or procreate; males must immediately vacate area for their own personal safety, both physical and mental

While Roosh notes that we haven’t yet reached DEFCOCK 1 anywhere on planet earth, he suspects that Toronto may be the first to go, and as soon as 2023.

Yep, that’s right: in less than a decade, Toronto males will literally be running from ROAMING WITCH MOBS intent on testing their T levels.

Bomb shelters can’t save you, fellas, so stay away from any place rated DEFCOCK 2, as it could easily slide into DEFCOCK 1 territory. Roosh’s advice:

find a city that is either in DEFCOCK 4 or just recently slipped to DEFCOCK 3, because once a decline accelerates, it may happen too quickly for you to leave before you wake up and see a nuclear cloud in the shape of a vagina right outside your window.

A NUCLEAR CLOUD IN THE SHAPE OF A VAGINA.

Now I am become Death, the destroyer of boners.

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misseb47
misseb47
6 years ago

Paradoxical Intention -“It almost sounds like you’re describing the United States there. : /”

LOL! America is still considered a first world country. There is room for improvement, but at least it is not nearly as bad as Pakistan and Saudi Arabia. They may still be some work to do, but feminism has improved the lives of American women A LOT over the last 200 years. With a little help from our suffragette friend Katie, of course. 😀

misseb47
misseb47
6 years ago

Spindrift- “Their research will be vital, cause they’ll have to learn to split the “bad boy” particles to create the vaginuclear bombs that leave the vagina shaped clouds”. Yep. Since life on this planet would be wiped out without vagina shaped clouds, that research would be vital importance to the survival of the human race.:D And yes, science is awesome! All hail Katie and her institute of vagina studies. XD

guest
guest
6 years ago

@ej, dude I am coming to visit you in Nottingham! OK, I live with a cat (two at the moment, I’m catsitting for a friend)…but…kittens. On the table. (My cat occasionally jumps on the table at dinner parties, to check out what everyone’s eating; the advice I was given by a more experienced friend was whenever he does that to look shocked and exclaim, ‘omg, he’s never done THAT before!’)

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
6 years ago

I predict that by 2023, Roosh will have completed his transformation from an aimless failed playboy to an ultrapatriarchal born again religious fundie. He’ll be hanging around grifting other fundies by telling the sob story how he used to be a “pick-up artist” drowning in the world of sin, debauchery and slutty women before he saw the light. He’ll even sport a Duck Dynasty beard.

misseb47
misseb47
6 years ago

I don’t know if my earlier comment went to moderation, so I am just going to write it again. I apologize if there is a double post.

I am sorry, but it was just a mistake. It seems that you took a minor error and just ran with it without reading the rest of my comment. We are discussing Roosh and his DEFCOCK ‘system’, not medieval history. I put it in there to illustrate how women were mistreated under the patriarchy in the past and how Roosh fears that the tables will turn and men will be treated in kind. Which is not going to happen.Thanx for correction, though. However, it is more like around 600,000 and the were witch hunts as early as the 1200s. Not exactly ‘millions’, but it is still classified as gendercide and it was caused by misogyny and the stigmatization of women and women were most of the victims. Here is a quote from the article.

” The witch-hunts can be viewed as a case of “genderized mass murder. The overall evidence makes plain that the growth — the panic — in the witch craze was inseparable from the stigmatization of women. … Historically, the most salient manifestation of the unreserved belief in female power and female evil is evidenced in the tight, recurrent, by-now nearly instinctive association of women and witchcraft. Though there were male witches, when the witch craze accelerated and became a mass phenomenon after 1500 its main targets, its main victims, were female witches. Indeed, one strongly suspects that the development of witch-hunting into a mass hysteria only became possible when directed primarily at women.”

As for women having it great in the late medieval period, that wasn’t the case either. No matter how high the standing of women were in medieval societies, they were never equal to the standing of men. Having a few more options than housewife doesn’t change that. Here is some further reading.

So maybe YOU should revoke your license to make up your own facts and statistics. At least I use links when I correct someone.

misseb47
misseb47
6 years ago

In case my ref list doesn’t show, here are the names of the sites.

Roman Women: Following the Clues
Women in Ancient Rome: Women’s Daily Life and Work
Women in Ancient Rome: Legal Rights
womenintheancientworld-WOMEN IN ANCIENT ROME
British Women’s Emancipation since the Renaissance-The History of Female Oppression
Nun, Widow, Wife, and More!: Career Options for Medieval Women
Women’s role in the medieval society
Science Blogs-How many people were killed as Witches in Europe from 1200 to the present?
Gendercide Watch-Case Study:The European Witch-Hunts, c. 1450-1750

Having the occasional difficulties with links is no excuse not to use at least some kind of referencing

boogerghost
boogerghost
6 years ago

IN SOVIET RUSSIA WITCH HUNT YOU

..ahem, sorry. Also, this was my train of thought as soon as I read the title:
DEFCOCK -> DICK CONDITION -> DICKCON -> A 4-day-long fan-run convention dedicated to the celebration of all things dick.

ronanwills
6 years ago

Man I have to move to Toronto as soon as possible so I can get in on the witch mob action.

“Casual sex is difficult (if not impossible). ”

Isn’t Roosh a fan of casual sex? Why would this be considered desirable?

AltoFronto
AltoFronto
6 years ago

Roosh makes Favell Lee Mortimer’s travel writing sound less racist, colonialist and bent on 18th-century Christian moralising by comparison.

http://www.futilitycloset.com/2015/02/22/podcast-episode-47-the-scariest-travel-books-ever-written/

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

Dr. Strangedouche needs to stop worrying and learn to love the vagina bomb.

@Sparky I thought it was possible to know someone’s testosterone/mangina/market value levels at a glance, by assessing height, wrist circumference, jaw width, chin size, and hairline. Also whether or not they’re having sex, and whether or not they’re planning to crash an airplane into a mountain. If Roosh can magically tell all those things from a photograph, our roving band of witches ought to be able to do even better.

Orion
6 years ago

mushroom cloud in the shape of a vagine? Sounds like roosh has been playing too much Persona 3. http://i.ytimg.com/vi/BBpVEfJV3Ps/hqdefault.jpg

proxieme
proxieme
6 years ago

ERWAT – Interesting post.

Two thumbs up ????????

That’s not sarcastic.
That’s just all I have right now because our asshole rooster started crowing at 330 am.

I think he’s going to be Easter Dinner.

proxieme
proxieme
6 years ago

And interesting follow up, missed 😀

proxieme
proxieme
6 years ago

misseb*

Asshole rooster.

Wish me luck today!

It’s my older daughters’ Spring Break and we’re going to drive down to George Washington’s Birthplace (about an hour and a half away from us – really neat place, almost empty necause it’s in the middle of BFE)…about to go brew a carafe of coffee and drink the whole thing.

proxieme
proxieme
6 years ago

And maybe when they’re older I’ll convince them to name their band DEFCOCK1, especially if our middle fancies women (as she currently seems to).

They’re leaning towards the name “The Diamond Breed”, but that seems more glam rock than how their tastes currently lean (Weird Al, They Might Be Giants, and screened TVOTR, Modest Mouse, and their current favorite Sleater-Kinney…they also really like the Pixies and the Archers of Loaf, but the songs that we can let them listen to are really hit and miss).

misseb47
misseb47
6 years ago

proxieme-Thanx. Anyway, good luck with that arsehole rooster! 😀 And don’t worry about it. You should see all the typos I’ve made today! ^^;

PS

Have fun!

dhag85
6 years ago

Interestingly, this could’ve actually counted as satire if it had been written by someone who didn’t actually believe it.

Also, as far as I know bodybuilding is still legal. Come on, fellow feminazis, hurry UP.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

our asshole rooster started crowing at 330 am.

I think he’s going to be Easter Dinner.

Looks like the Cock Carousel is literally toast this weekend…

Nitram
6 years ago

Vagina shaped mushroom cloud? Is this guy for real? Is he trying to be metaphorical or funny? Is that supposed to symbolize gynocentric takeover? You look out the window, and there it is! Vagina bomb aftermath, wafting your way! Duck and cover! How could it be both mushroom shaped and vagina shaped?

Anne
Anne
6 years ago

I live in a Scandinavian country, and I can’t recognize ONE damded thing in RV’s image of Things here…..He once Again proves that he doesn’t have a clue about what he is talking about….:-P

vanir85
6 years ago

I live in a Scandinavian country, and I can’t recognize ONE damded thing in RV’s image of Things here.

Roosh is probably just pissed ’cause he couldn’t get laid in Norway… ^^

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
6 years ago

@vanir85:

That is a lie and slander, and you should be ashamed for ever having let such noxious words pass your… keyboard.

Roosh could too get laid in Norway. He… just chose not to.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

Roosh chose not to have sex in Norway because that would have meant showering, putting on deodorant, doing something about that hair, etc., etc. It would have interfered with his Slob Game, basically.

dhag85
6 years ago

@Anne

I’ve noticed about 99.9% of the times I hear anyone from the US right wing say anything about Sweden or Scandinavia it’s completely fucking made up.

NicolaLuna
NicolaLuna
6 years ago

http://m.mic.com/articles/90079/35-men-show-us-what-real-men-s-activists-look-like

This got reposted on Facebook today and made me so happy that so many men aren’t douchebags. Clearly they come from a defcock 2 country.

GrumpyOldMangina
6 years ago

Every American conservative knows that Sweden is a close to Hell as anything on earth ever gets.

bodycrimes
6 years ago

I enjoy the fact that – according to Roosh – one of the world’s most historically stable countries (Sweden) is going to implode soon.

alaisvex
alaisvex
6 years ago

Yes, Roosh, by all means, move to Saudi Arabia where you could be sentenced to 10 years in prison and 1,000 lashings for criticizing your government. At least you won’t have to deal with women with masculine traits having sex with whomever they want and expecting you to respect them.

Zolnier
6 years ago

What the flying fuck is “divorce rape”? Is it anything to do with the neglect rape that Straw woman feminist robot was talking a both a few posts back? Also why is a pick up artist so against casual sex?

dhag85
6 years ago

I love it when conservatives sort of follow their argument to the logical conclusion and discover they really want America to be Saudi Arabia or Russia. Sometimes you can spot the moment when they realize it – their ultimate goal is for the US to be exactly like Afghanistan but with whiter people and a different name.

dhag85
6 years ago

@Zolnier

I think the position is that casual sex when men do it = good, when women do it = bad, and when men do it with other men = bad. So when a man and a woman have casual sex it = mangood + womanbad = good (since men are more important).

But I’m not great at math.

Olive O'Sudden
Olive O'Sudden
6 years ago

What I don’t get is why Roosh isn’t conservatively religious and married? I mean, that’s what he wants, right, a patriarchal lifestyle that guarantees men wives who can’t refuse sex?

Oh, and on the subject of Toronto approaching ‘Defcock 1’: Has Roosh ever actually been to Toronto? I mean, I assume that he must have been and was wildly ineffectual at scoring with women who are way more attractive (in both physicality and personality) than he is (and probably with any woman he approached who has a functioning sense of smell), but how is that a metric for any decent straight guy to judge his own odds?

bekabot
6 years ago

I love the title picture. Even the clouds want to be cats…and who can blame them…

Hambeast, Social Justice Hoo-Ha Glitterer
Hambeast, Social Justice Hoo-Ha Glitterer
6 years ago

That “clown game” article, wow. He just lays out every contradictory idea he holds as true and just, doesn’t he?

I just want to know why a “meaningless office job” is okay for men, but not for women? Is it less meaningless for men to hold office jobs somehow? Maybe I’m missing his whole point and meaningless office jobs should be held by macaques or ferrets or English ivy or something.

Kim
Kim
6 years ago

@Zolnier Sounds like he means stuff like alimony and child support when he’s talking about “divorce rape.” Basically the stereotypical “evil legal system will give all my money to the wife” thing.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

Oh, and on the subject of Toronto approaching ‘Defcock 1′: Has Roosh ever actually been to Toronto? I mean, I assume that he must have been and was wildly ineffectual at scoring with women who are way more attractive (in both physicality and personality) than he is (and probably with any woman he approached who has a functioning sense of smell), but how is that a metric for any decent straight guy to judge his own odds?

Well, speaking as someone who’s lived in Defcock 1 — er, TO — I can honestly say that in a city where good-looking guys are thick on the ground, yeah, Roosh’s chances are looking even worse than usual.

Also, what the hell is up with “Defcock”? DEFCON stands for “defence condition”. Defcock, therefore = defence cock? Um, unless you’ve got a rooster patrolling the perimeter, how does that even make a bit of sense?

Tracy
Tracy
6 years ago

@Olive O’Sudden yes, he has been to our fair city. Apparently he didn’t do well.

Spindrift
Spindrift
6 years ago

@Bina ” Also, what the hell is up with “Defcock”? DEFCON stands for “defence condition”. Defcock, therefore = defence cock? Um, unless you’ve got a rooster patrolling the perimeter, how does that even make a bit of sense?”

Maybe it’s deference to cock, the higher the Defcock number the more women must defer to it’s authority?

contrapangloss
6 years ago

Tracy, can I join you all in Toronto?

Honestly, making dinner plans for afters, having a bunch of other women looking out for you, having high diversity, bars closing early, and making roosh’s boner sad all sound like absolutely delightful things to me!

toujoursgai
6 years ago

@Zolnier

What the flying fuck is “divorce rape”?

You know, that super-common problem when a woman decides to divorce a man on a whim, and the courts automatically hand her all of his money and assets, and the kids, and huge alimony and child support payments. According to MRA’s, it’s the inevitable outcome of ever deciding to marry a woman.

I think they call it “divorce rape” because, well, they’re assholes who like to compare every negative experience to rape. It may be part of their insistence that men have it much, much worse than women across the Western world. (“Women are more likely to be victims of rape? Yeah well, what about divorce rape? Huh??”)

toronto gay
toronto gay
6 years ago

I feel sorry for Roosh. Apparently he is unaware that while he is at the gym engaging in “masculine behavior” like bodybuilding, he is surrounded by gay men doing the same.

Believe me, when the government starts clamping down on being a muscular, high-T paragon of masculinity, gays will be the first to be marching in the streets in protest. Stonewall? Nothing compared to this.

And Roosh will be welcome to march with us, even though he focuses too much on his glamour muscles and not enough on his core. Take it easy on the curls, bro.

Machine Gun Sally
Machine Gun Sally
6 years ago

I find it both bizarre and telling that, according to Roosh, on a sliding scale from “men in total control” (aka DEFCOCK 5) to “women in total control” (aka DEFCOCK 1) there is no possible middle ground where all genders are equal. I mean, wouldn’t you pretty much have to pass by that point on your way? How could you miss it?

contrapangloss
6 years ago

…Is anyone else a horrible person who can only think of a rooster who crows off key, over-loud, and incompletely when they read DEFCOCK?

My family might have had one of those, once. Instead of cockle-doodle-doo, he kind of went “EEEER-ER-ER-ER”

Moggie
Moggie
6 years ago

Clown game is required for all men wanting to get laid.

I know the ladies love balloon animals, but isn’t the tiny car a bit of a turn-off?

Paradoxical Intention
6 years ago

Tracy | April 3, 2015 at 1:01 pm
@Olive O’Sudden yes, he has been to our fair city. Apparently he didn’t do well.

I read the article, and apparently most of his gripes boil down to:

-Some women are fat
-Women eat
-There’s non-white women
-They don’t care about sex as much as he does
-They’re on to his PUA bullshit and have put up the “Bitch Shields”

Stazia DiMarca (@St0dad)

Roosh’s articles have been lacking in pulsating labia lately.

suffrajitsu
suffrajitsu
6 years ago

If men need to play “the clown game” to get laid, doesn’t that disprove the entire idea of alpha-beta hierarchy? Wouldn’t beta male manginas be getting the *most* sex? And by that reasoning, shouldn’t pick-up artists be teaching men to play the clown game instead?

@Paradoxical Intention: I thought PUAs were all about the subservient East Asian/Southeast Asian waifus that exist in their imaginations. That’s the impression I got from all their whining about “Western women.” You’re telling me their creepy Asian sex doll fetishes AREN’T proof they’re not racist, too?!? :O

alaisvex
alaisvex
6 years ago

Roosh’s articles have been lacking in pulsating labia lately.

*snorts* Very nice.

Anyway, I’m sorely tempted to make a KickStarter to raise money to help Roosh emigrate to Saudi Arabia.

Ellesar
6 years ago

alaisvex – I would donate to that!

Shaenon
6 years ago

I live in a Scandinavian country, and I can’t recognize ONE damded thing in RV’s image of Things here.

Now I’m picturing the roving anti-bodybuilder witch trials as Things in the old Norse sense of Viking assemblies and such, which makes them even better.