So A Voice for Men’s Top Chef August Løvenskiolds — McLøven to you and me — is back with more recipes for hungry Men Going Their Own Way. Having previously shared his recipes for such adventurous dishes as overcooked chicken breasts and Velveeta-smothered cauliflowers, McLøven today takes on a mainstay of fine cuisine: Jello.
Yes, that’s right. He’s teaching his readers how to make Jello. Oh, but not just plain Jello: it’s got a little bit of fruit juice in it, and an assortment of artificial sweeteners. Oh, and one of his recipes also has cream cheese and almonds in it, like those sophisticated Jello mold desserts you may remember from the 1970s. Apparently “Going Your Own Way” means “Going The Way Your Grandma Went When She Prepared Desserts for Church Functions.”
I eagerly await McLøven’s recipes for toast and a glass of water.
But more interesting than McLøven’s recipes is the reason he decided to focus on Jello: Because it gave him an excuse to make rape jokes.
After harking back to “the sugary, gelatin-based, mom-made desserts” that middle-aged Men Going Their Own Way may recall from their youth, he moves right on to the rapey, er, “humor.” He starts by fondly remembering the
rapey “jello shots” (flavored gelatin prepared with vodka instead of some of the water) [that] became all the rage in the club scene that is normalized by rape culture. Add the smiling evil genius Bill Cosby as the advertizing face of Jello(tm) brand gelatin and you get the clear view of the extent to which gelatin desserts are proof that the patriarchy hates and oppresses all women through all time.
See, it’s funny because rape!
Naturally, McLøven’s readers contributed some rape jokes of their own.
It’s a good thing that A Voice for Men is the leading website for the Men’s Human Rights Movement, because without knowing of AVFM’s deep commitment to human rights advocacy you might just assume that this was a bunch of assholes reveling in the suffering of women, or something.
Oh, and while I’m talking about AVFM: The flagship Men’s Human Rights advocacy site is in the final days of a two-week (!!) fund drive. With the end of the fundraiser a little less than 2 1/2 days away, here’s what they’ve raised so far:
McLovin, if you are reading this: if you want to go to totally sugar free, you may want to explore a food product that is in some respects very similar to Velveeta, called “cheese.”
My cheese recipe, MAN style:
1. Cut the cheese.
2. Die laughing.
3. Log onto some form of social media and rile up feminists with your manly jokes and odors.
I don’t want them to be feeding Paul Bunyan. He is from Minnesota and that’s where I am. Keep them away from here!
My kids are 5 and 7, I’ve been teaching them to cook since they were 2. My 7 year old is now a pretty badass cook. I told him about the dried out chicken recipe and he was disgusted. His dream is to compete in Junior Masterchef, he could out-cook any of these MGTOWs.
But now I’m confused. Am I making him a white knight beta mangina or am I helping him to not be dependent on pesky feeeeemales?
Also, one more reason to celebrate when they finally go their own way. They have literally reached adulthood without even basic cooking skills because they have seen cooking as woman duty.
…jello salads are evil.
It’s a waste of perfectly good jello and a waste of perfectly good everything that should never be in jello.
@Sparky
Sadly, Lileks writes for the National Review now, he’s a fussy insufferable conservative. His goofball Americana colllections are still entertaining but avoid anything else by him.
I have Lileks’s book “The Gallery of Regrettable Food” and it is hilarious. I didn’t know when i bought it that he was a right-winger . . . I love old cookbooks with incredibly elaborate arrangements of vegetables and horrifying presentations of casseroles, etc. My mom did have one Jello recipe that we actually loved. I think it was made with black cherry Jello, and it had cherries and walnuts in it. She would make it in a ring mold and serve it at holidays.
I can’t believe these guys sometimes.
“GRRRR! TV sitcoms and commercials constantly show men as hopeless with domestic chores. Well I just made jello! CHECKMATE FEMINISTS!”
The photo above does not even begin to plumb the depths of horror to which Jell-O can descend. Case in point: http://www.buzzfeed.com/ariannarebolini/truly-upsetting-vintage-recipes#.qomg051jq
It baffles me that MGTOWs who know how to cook (or in this case, “cook”) are supposed to be such a blow to feminism. I mean, they DO realize that feminists have been saying for a long time that it’s not women’s job to cook for everyone all the time, right…?
JELLO AQUARIA!!
http://www.cracked.com/article_21958_7-disgusting-foods-from-past-that-we-taste-tested_p2.html
Sorry, this just sprang into my mind and I had to show you what the 1970s did to food.
I feel kinda tacky for thinking this is actually an awesome concept for a party. If I’d had a sweet version with those gummy fish (Blue dolphins, anyone?) and angelica pond-weed for my sixth birthday, to go with my mermaid Barbie, I think I would have ruptured something trying to contain my glee!
Also, if you want to know how Microwave Cooking For One would pan out in real life, here it is:
http://www.cracked.com/blog/9-recipes-from-saddest-cookbook-ever-tested/
For all AVFM’s defense of rape jokes, they can’t even come up with any funny ones. I mean, most rape jokes are never funny, but even if you tone your humour setting down to Daniel Tosh levels, they barely qualify as jokes.
Is there anything they don’t utterly fail at?
It was so disappointing and shocking when Lileks turned out to be a reactionary misogynist. I associate snarky humor and keen observational abilities with the left wing. But I guess making up sarcastic little stories about the people depicted in Banana Council recipes from the 1950s doesn’t necessarily translate into a larger awareness of how deeply flawed that era was.
Even if conservatives want to roll back the clock, surely everyone can agree that shrimp suspended in lime Jello is a horrible idea. One of many horrible ideas that people had back then.
Yeah. In fact (and this is what amuses me most), this directly conflicts with their “Bitch, get me a sammitch” attitude. If you don’t need her to slap two slices of Wonder Bread around one slice of bologna anymore, do you seriously think she’s going to feel bad? Dudes, the 1970s have been and gone…a long, long time ago. No woman feels useless anymore if she’s not being made to fix you some crappy food, because she’s too busy with everything else that her life demands of her. If you can fix your own crappy food, that’s great! Meanwhile, I’ll be over here, fixing my own much more impressive food, dude.
And no AVFMers will ever be invited to partake, either.
I could be mis-remembering the timeline, but I seem to recall Lileks as being one of those conservatives who was fairly tolerable until 9/11, then went off the deep end.
These horrible recipes seem very telling, since I think if you were just trying to tell would-be manly men how to cook in a stereotypically manly fashion it would involve game meats, big knives, and open flame. But these are like the way a newly divorced man of middle age who literally never cooked for himself before and is too bitter/stunned/depressed to actually teach himself to cook would eat. You don’t need a recipe for that. So why post these?
Whatever narrative they think they want to put out there, the one they actually create is that they are pathetic and helpless without a woman to take care of them. Also, that it’s 1955.
On a side note, I would like to challenge any misogynists out there to a spicy-food-off, if they would truly give up and go away after I won.
Not on the topic of food, but on the way many men perceive feminism — I got the following response to a comment I made on the GQ thread concerning Jeff Sharlet’s article on the MRA convention.
I don’t even know where to start with something like this.
@GrumpyOldMangina:
My suggestion would be to achieve internet Nirvana, come to realize the fundamental truth that some people just aren’t worth arguing with, and ROFL off into the sunset.
Or ask them to point out any real life feminist who actually believes men should stick to their traditional gender role, and either praise them or shut up.
One of those things.
You could also start by explaining to me how you parroting mockery from feminists is the most obvious evidence for women actively participating in and benefiting from enforcing standards of “manliness.” Like, I kind of get it in the way that “frumptious” sounds like a word I could give a meaning to, but not really.
Nope. Nope nope nopity nope NOPE. If I actually wanted a caveman clubtocracy, I wouldn’t be a feminist denouncing the ills of toxic masculinity. Try again, dude.
Well, if what you want is unrealistic, and phrased in a way that’s whiny and manipulative (as I suspect it would be in the case of an MRA), of course someone’s gonna tell you to grow the fuck up and stop being such a big ol’ baby. And if that someone is a woman, you’re probably gonna hear the old “man up”, whether that’s what she actually said or not…because big whiny babies don’t want to adult. Has nothing to do with your masculinity, though. If what you want is an HB10 yes-chick who will always do your bidding in bed, and the woman you’re with doesn’t match that description and you’re all whiny and pissy about it, then of course no one’s gonna want to hear how you feel, because you’ve basically just shown that you’re an immature shitstain who has yet to outgrow his high-school resentments and face reality. And if all you’re gonna do is whine and kvetch about how she’s doing everything wrong, of COURSE she’s not going to put up with it. What the hell were you expecting?
@ GrumpyOldMangina
I know I list these articles a lot, but this guy is EMPIRICALLY full of dookie.
http://pwq.sagepub.com/content/35/2/318.abstract
http://pwq.sagepub.com/content/33/2/216.abstract
The above also means that feminist women ‘expect’ men to take on ‘masculine’ roles less, since part of the hostility measure is based on reactions to non-traditional (read: non-masculine) men.
Jello? MRAs have such pedestrian tastes in food. Speaking of which, my best friend used to troll my blog under a pseudonym and ask me to post about Jello. Just to troll him back I posted a recipe for Lime Jello Surprise that included trout. That only encouraged him, so he asked for more. I gave him three recipes for jello shots. He quit. Too bad, I was having fun.
Any guesses on what the next revolutionary MGTOW recipe will be?
Also, keep me in your thoughts for the next 30 minutes. I promised I’d be home early from work and I’m actually later than usual, and I’m going to be skinned alive by my parents when I get in. 🙁
Crossing fingers for you, sunnysombrera! The skinning is figurative, right?
Keep me in your thoughts with fingers crossed? Soloist backed out of a gig we’ve got tonight, so I’m covering for her song.
I haven’t actually sung much with the group, because of being busy directing/teaching everyone their parts, so this’ll be interesting.
I read McLoven’s whole article, and that is the most revolting recipe for key lime pie I’ve ever heard. Is it actually meant to BE key lime pie? Or just some weird, key lime pie themed lime jello dish?
And what do they have against sugar? For sure it should be consumed in moderation, but surely it’s healthier than filling yourself up with synthetic sugar substitutes and gellatin?
@kootiepatra
You misunderstand the MGTOW mindset. In the same way that they’re children swearing that they’re about to run away, the such-as-it-is thinking is probably to demonstrate that they are so utterly incompetent that women will feel sorry for them and come running to mother them, not least by making them proper food. Like a child making such a complete mess of a chore that they’re never asked to do it again.
Burritos*, rife with racist “jokes” about the Mexican culture.
*And by “burritos” I mean canned refried beans, cheap hamburger, and shredded cheese mushed together in a frying pan, then slapped onto a tortilla.
Maybe Elam is actually a crypto-feminist or August Løvenskiolds is. These recipes are actually a plot to quickly kill off MRA via food poisoning or massive heart attacks. I mean who puts out a recipe calling out for heavy cream and Velveeta? That is clearly a ruse, everyone knows that Velveeta is not even food but reprocessed latex paint with animal fat , artificial color and flavor.
Maybe Elam is actually a crypto-feminist or August Løvenskiolds is. These recipes are actually a plot to quickly kill off MRA via food poisoning or massive heart attacks. I mean who puts out a recipe calling out for heavy cream and Velveeta? That is clearly a ruse, everyone knows that Velveeta is not even food but reprocessed latex paint with animal fat , artificial color and flavor.
Bologna sandwiches, made with boiled toast.