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A Voice for Men celebrates Jello as the dessert of choice for rape-joke lovers

Dudes, if you're going to make a Jello dessert, make it (*gag*) "memorable."
Dudes, if you’re going to make a Jello mold, at least make it (*gag*) “memorable.”

So A Voice for Men’s Top Chef August Løvenskiolds — McLøven to you and me — is back with more recipes for hungry Men Going Their Own Way. Having previously shared his recipes for such adventurous dishes as overcooked chicken breasts and Velveeta-smothered cauliflowers, McLøven today takes on a mainstay of fine cuisine: Jello.

Yes, that’s right. He’s teaching his readers how to make Jello. Oh, but not just plain Jello: it’s got a little bit of fruit juice in it, and an assortment of artificial sweeteners. Oh, and one of his recipes also has cream cheese and almonds in it, like those sophisticated Jello mold desserts you may remember from the 1970s. Apparently “Going Your Own Way” means “Going The Way Your Grandma Went When She Prepared Desserts for Church Functions.”

I eagerly await McLøven’s recipes for toast and a glass of water.

But more interesting than McLøven’s recipes is the reason he decided to focus on Jello: Because it gave him an excuse to make rape jokes.

 

After harking back to “the sugary, gelatin-based, mom-made desserts” that middle-aged Men Going Their Own Way may recall from their youth, he moves right on to the rapey, er, “humor.” He starts by fondly remembering the

rapey “jello shots” (flavored gelatin prepared with vodka instead of some of the water) [that] became all the rage in the club scene that is normalized by rape culture. Add the smiling evil genius Bill Cosby as the advertizing face of Jello(tm) brand gelatin and you get the clear view of the extent to which gelatin desserts are proof that the patriarchy hates and oppresses all women through all time.

See, it’s funny because rape!

Naturally, McLøven’s readers contributed some rape jokes of their own.

Andrejovich Dietrich • a day ago Don't feminist tears taste like vinegar and water?  If you make your Jello shots in the mold of a shot glass, you now get a double rapey confection. They really fall for that one.  • Reply•Share ›  Avatar Andy C  Andrejovich Dietrich • 12 hours ago Rapey with extra rapey goodness, just add super rapey confectionery sugar on it? Oh how rapelicious!  And its that time of the year when feminists bunker down extra hard and fire extra rounds at ... well it doesn't matter there are so many men some are bound to hit. Why? Because its Rapril!  Happy Rapril feminists!

It’s a good thing that A Voice for Men is the leading website for the Men’s Human Rights Movement, because without knowing of AVFM’s deep commitment to human rights advocacy you might just assume that this was a bunch of assholes reveling in the suffering of women, or something.

Oh, and while I’m talking about AVFM: The flagship Men’s Human Rights advocacy site is in the final days of a two-week (!!) fund drive. With the end of the fundraiser a little less than 2 1/2 days away, here’s what they’ve raised so far:

therm040215

 

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YoullNeverGuess
5 years ago

McLovin, if you are reading this: if you want to go to totally sugar free, you may want to explore a food product that is in some respects very similar to Velveeta, called “cheese.”

My cheese recipe, MAN style:

1. Cut the cheese.
2. Die laughing.
3. Log onto some form of social media and rile up feminists with your manly jokes and odors.

weirwoodtreehugger
5 years ago

I don’t want them to be feeding Paul Bunyan. He is from Minnesota and that’s where I am. Keep them away from here!

NicolaLuna
NicolaLuna
5 years ago

My kids are 5 and 7, I’ve been teaching them to cook since they were 2. My 7 year old is now a pretty badass cook. I told him about the dried out chicken recipe and he was disgusted. His dream is to compete in Junior Masterchef, he could out-cook any of these MGTOWs.

But now I’m confused. Am I making him a white knight beta mangina or am I helping him to not be dependent on pesky feeeeemales?

Also, one more reason to celebrate when they finally go their own way. They have literally reached adulthood without even basic cooking skills because they have seen cooking as woman duty.

contrapangloss
5 years ago

…jello salads are evil.

It’s a waste of perfectly good jello and a waste of perfectly good everything that should never be in jello.

brooked
brooked
5 years ago

@Sparky

Sadly, Lileks writes for the National Review now, he’s a fussy insufferable conservative. His goofball Americana colllections are still entertaining but avoid anything else by him.

estraven
estraven
5 years ago

I have Lileks’s book “The Gallery of Regrettable Food” and it is hilarious. I didn’t know when i bought it that he was a right-winger . . . I love old cookbooks with incredibly elaborate arrangements of vegetables and horrifying presentations of casseroles, etc. My mom did have one Jello recipe that we actually loved. I think it was made with black cherry Jello, and it had cherries and walnuts in it. She would make it in a ring mold and serve it at holidays.

sunnysombrera
5 years ago

I can’t believe these guys sometimes.

“GRRRR! TV sitcoms and commercials constantly show men as hopeless with domestic chores. Well I just made jello! CHECKMATE FEMINISTS!”

Kootiepatra
5 years ago

The photo above does not even begin to plumb the depths of horror to which Jell-O can descend. Case in point: http://www.buzzfeed.com/ariannarebolini/truly-upsetting-vintage-recipes#.qomg051jq

It baffles me that MGTOWs who know how to cook (or in this case, “cook”) are supposed to be such a blow to feminism. I mean, they DO realize that feminists have been saying for a long time that it’s not women’s job to cook for everyone all the time, right…?

AltoFronto
AltoFronto
5 years ago

JELLO AQUARIA!!
http://www.cracked.com/article_21958_7-disgusting-foods-from-past-that-we-taste-tested_p2.html

Sorry, this just sprang into my mind and I had to show you what the 1970s did to food.

I feel kinda tacky for thinking this is actually an awesome concept for a party. If I’d had a sweet version with those gummy fish (Blue dolphins, anyone?) and angelica pond-weed for my sixth birthday, to go with my mermaid Barbie, I think I would have ruptured something trying to contain my glee!

Also, if you want to know how Microwave Cooking For One would pan out in real life, here it is:
http://www.cracked.com/blog/9-recipes-from-saddest-cookbook-ever-tested/

For all AVFM’s defense of rape jokes, they can’t even come up with any funny ones. I mean, most rape jokes are never funny, but even if you tone your humour setting down to Daniel Tosh levels, they barely qualify as jokes.
Is there anything they don’t utterly fail at?

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
5 years ago

It was so disappointing and shocking when Lileks turned out to be a reactionary misogynist. I associate snarky humor and keen observational abilities with the left wing. But I guess making up sarcastic little stories about the people depicted in Banana Council recipes from the 1950s doesn’t necessarily translate into a larger awareness of how deeply flawed that era was.

Even if conservatives want to roll back the clock, surely everyone can agree that shrimp suspended in lime Jello is a horrible idea. One of many horrible ideas that people had back then.

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

It baffles me that MGTOWs who know how to cook (or in this case, “cook”) are supposed to be such a blow to feminism. I mean, they DO realize that feminists have been saying for a long time that it’s not women’s job to cook for everyone all the time, right…?

Yeah. In fact (and this is what amuses me most), this directly conflicts with their “Bitch, get me a sammitch” attitude. If you don’t need her to slap two slices of Wonder Bread around one slice of bologna anymore, do you seriously think she’s going to feel bad? Dudes, the 1970s have been and gone…a long, long time ago. No woman feels useless anymore if she’s not being made to fix you some crappy food, because she’s too busy with everything else that her life demands of her. If you can fix your own crappy food, that’s great! Meanwhile, I’ll be over here, fixing my own much more impressive food, dude.

And no AVFMers will ever be invited to partake, either.

mcjuliek
mcjuliek
5 years ago

I could be mis-remembering the timeline, but I seem to recall Lileks as being one of those conservatives who was fairly tolerable until 9/11, then went off the deep end.

These horrible recipes seem very telling, since I think if you were just trying to tell would-be manly men how to cook in a stereotypically manly fashion it would involve game meats, big knives, and open flame. But these are like the way a newly divorced man of middle age who literally never cooked for himself before and is too bitter/stunned/depressed to actually teach himself to cook would eat. You don’t need a recipe for that. So why post these?

Whatever narrative they think they want to put out there, the one they actually create is that they are pathetic and helpless without a woman to take care of them. Also, that it’s 1955.

On a side note, I would like to challenge any misogynists out there to a spicy-food-off, if they would truly give up and go away after I won.

GrumpyOldMangina
5 years ago

Not on the topic of food, but on the way many men perceive feminism — I got the following response to a comment I made on the GQ thread concerning Jeff Sharlet’s article on the MRA convention.

Your claim that women do not actively participate and benefit from enforcing standards of “manliness” on men is absurd. The most obvious evidence is in your own mockery, which you parrot directly from feminists.

The hypocisy of feminism is that the more freedom women gain from their traditional gender roles, the more they seem to want to insist that men to double down on theirs.

And sure, women want you to “express your feelings”… as long as your feelings are all about them and how perfect they are and how they can do no wrong. As soon as your feelings are about what you want, they want you to STFU and “be a man”.

I don’t even know where to start with something like this.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
5 years ago

@GrumpyOldMangina:

My suggestion would be to achieve internet Nirvana, come to realize the fundamental truth that some people just aren’t worth arguing with, and ROFL off into the sunset.

Or ask them to point out any real life feminist who actually believes men should stick to their traditional gender role, and either praise them or shut up.

One of those things.

Your claim that women do not actively participate and benefit from enforcing standards of “manliness” on men is absurd. The most obvious evidence is in your own mockery, which you parrot directly from feminists.

You could also start by explaining to me how you parroting mockery from feminists is the most obvious evidence for women actively participating in and benefiting from enforcing standards of “manliness.” Like, I kind of get it in the way that “frumptious” sounds like a word I could give a meaning to, but not really.

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

The hypocisy of feminism is that the more freedom women gain from their traditional gender roles, the more they seem to want to insist that men to double down on theirs.

Nope. Nope nope nopity nope NOPE. If I actually wanted a caveman clubtocracy, I wouldn’t be a feminist denouncing the ills of toxic masculinity. Try again, dude.

And sure, women want you to “express your feelings”… as long as your feelings are all about them and how perfect they are and how they can do no wrong. As soon as your feelings are about what you want, they want you to STFU and “be a man”.

Well, if what you want is unrealistic, and phrased in a way that’s whiny and manipulative (as I suspect it would be in the case of an MRA), of course someone’s gonna tell you to grow the fuck up and stop being such a big ol’ baby. And if that someone is a woman, you’re probably gonna hear the old “man up”, whether that’s what she actually said or not…because big whiny babies don’t want to adult. Has nothing to do with your masculinity, though. If what you want is an HB10 yes-chick who will always do your bidding in bed, and the woman you’re with doesn’t match that description and you’re all whiny and pissy about it, then of course no one’s gonna want to hear how you feel, because you’ve basically just shown that you’re an immature shitstain who has yet to outgrow his high-school resentments and face reality. And if all you’re gonna do is whine and kvetch about how she’s doing everything wrong, of COURSE she’s not going to put up with it. What the hell were you expecting?

fromafar2013
5 years ago

@ GrumpyOldMangina

The hypocisy of feminism is that the more freedom women gain from their traditional gender roles, the more they seem to want to insist that men to double down on theirs.

I know I list these articles a lot, but this guy is EMPIRICALLY full of dookie.

http://pwq.sagepub.com/content/35/2/318.abstract

Specifically, women who were more accepting of patriarchal culture, endorsing traditional gender roles and denying sexism, reported wanting an ideal male partner to conform to traditional masculine norms of emotional control, risk-taking, power over women, dominance, self-reliance, and disdain for homosexuals. In contrast, feminist-identified women reported wanting an ideal partner who did not conform to the traditional masculine norms of violence, power over women, playboy, and self-reliance.

http://pwq.sagepub.com/content/33/2/216.abstract

An ethnically diverse sample (N = 488) of college students responded to statements from the Ambivalence toward Men Inventory (AMI; Glick & Fiske, 1999). Contrary to popular beliefs, feminists reported lower levels of hostility toward men than did nonfeminists.

The above also means that feminist women ‘expect’ men to take on ‘masculine’ roles less, since part of the hostility measure is based on reactions to non-traditional (read: non-masculine) men.

Neon Vincent
5 years ago

Jello? MRAs have such pedestrian tastes in food. Speaking of which, my best friend used to troll my blog under a pseudonym and ask me to post about Jello. Just to troll him back I posted a recipe for Lime Jello Surprise that included trout. That only encouraged him, so he asked for more. I gave him three recipes for jello shots. He quit. Too bad, I was having fun.

sunnysombrera
5 years ago

Any guesses on what the next revolutionary MGTOW recipe will be?

Also, keep me in your thoughts for the next 30 minutes. I promised I’d be home early from work and I’m actually later than usual, and I’m going to be skinned alive by my parents when I get in. 🙁

contrapangloss
5 years ago

Crossing fingers for you, sunnysombrera! The skinning is figurative, right?

Keep me in your thoughts with fingers crossed? Soloist backed out of a gig we’ve got tonight, so I’m covering for her song.

I haven’t actually sung much with the group, because of being busy directing/teaching everyone their parts, so this’ll be interesting.

sn0rkmaiden
5 years ago

I read McLoven’s whole article, and that is the most revolting recipe for key lime pie I’ve ever heard. Is it actually meant to BE key lime pie? Or just some weird, key lime pie themed lime jello dish?

And what do they have against sugar? For sure it should be consumed in moderation, but surely it’s healthier than filling yourself up with synthetic sugar substitutes and gellatin?

Rabid Rabbit
Rabid Rabbit
5 years ago

@kootiepatra

It baffles me that MGTOWs who know how to cook (or in this case, “cook”) are supposed to be such a blow to feminism. I mean, they DO realize that feminists have been saying for a long time that it’s not women’s job to cook for everyone all the time, right…?

You misunderstand the MGTOW mindset. In the same way that they’re children swearing that they’re about to run away, the such-as-it-is thinking is probably to demonstrate that they are so utterly incompetent that women will feel sorry for them and come running to mother them, not least by making them proper food. Like a child making such a complete mess of a chore that they’re never asked to do it again.

Paradoxical Intention
5 years ago

sunnysombrera | April 3, 2015 at 3:48 pm
Any guesses on what the next revolutionary MGTOW recipe will be?

Burritos*, rife with racist “jokes” about the Mexican culture.

*And by “burritos” I mean canned refried beans, cheap hamburger, and shredded cheese mushed together in a frying pan, then slapped onto a tortilla.

jamesleseke
5 years ago

Maybe Elam is actually a crypto-feminist or August Løvenskiolds is. These recipes are actually a plot to quickly kill off MRA via food poisoning or massive heart attacks. I mean who puts out a recipe calling out for heavy cream and Velveeta? That is clearly a ruse, everyone knows that Velveeta is not even food but reprocessed latex paint with animal fat , artificial color and flavor.

James Leseke
5 years ago

Maybe Elam is actually a crypto-feminist or August Løvenskiolds is. These recipes are actually a plot to quickly kill off MRA via food poisoning or massive heart attacks. I mean who puts out a recipe calling out for heavy cream and Velveeta? That is clearly a ruse, everyone knows that Velveeta is not even food but reprocessed latex paint with animal fat , artificial color and flavor.

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

Any guesses on what the next revolutionary MGTOW recipe will be?

Bologna sandwiches, made with boiled toast.

sunnysombrera
5 years ago

I reckon the next recipe will be something with eggs, also with rape jokes thrown in or some reference to liquid fucking gold (because women have eggs hurrrr).

Oddly I did not get the reaction I was expecting from the rents last night. O_o Oh well. Contrapangloss I hope that gig went okay for you!

Lea
Lea
5 years ago

My husband had an aunt that gave us all her cast off stuff when we got married. The best of the worst was a set of mail order recipe cards from the 70’s. EVERYTHING had marshmallows, Jello or mayonnaise in it. The glossy photos had that kind of grimy 70’s photography look that makes things look greasy. We read them for entertainment.

Recently his mom dropped off a bunch of old crap she found that I guess she thought we’d want. There was a Jello cookbook in it that had tuna fish, boiled egg and cauliflower Jello and much, much more! We also enjoyed that one.

There was also his grandmother’s old Better Homes and Garden Cookbook, the cookbook that has been the primer for many a new cook. That was a cool find. You know which recipes people like best by which pages are the dirtiest.

The 70’s recipes cards were squeaky clean.

Lea
Lea
5 years ago

Bologna sandwiches, made with boiled toast.

Which they wash down with a dirty* mug of their own bitter tears.

*Men washing dishes is misandry.

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

*Men washing dishes is misandry.

Gives them hangnails!

epitome of incomprehensibility

This reminds me of a gloriously unhealthy “jellied salad” an older friend of my mom’s used to make – fruit salad (I remember mandarin sections, at least) with jello and those tiny marshmallows. So bad, but so good.

So, in the cauliflower article, “high on the glycemic index” = poison, so no potatoes, ever… but Velveeta’s fine? Interesting.

Robert
Robert
5 years ago

When I was a sprout back in the 1960s, we had special Tupperware molds for Jell-O salads. I distinctly remember a carrot salad mold that included mayonnaise garnish. My husband refuses to let me make it for him and the kids. But then, he won’t even eat lime Jell-O with fruit cocktail and Cool Whip.

James Lileks has a section on his site (The Bleat) that showcases appalling looking dishes from lavishly illustrated vintage cookbooks. Some of it is quite amusing.

Nop
Nop
5 years ago

Someone needs to point this guy at the famous ice-cube recipe:
http://www.food.com/recipe/ice-cubes-420398/review