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Heartiste, of the Chateau Heartiste, isn’t just an unending source of ludicrously overcooked, try-hard bromides against fatties, liberals and “vibrants,” his favored term of art for people whose skin isn’t white. No, once in a while the alleged pickup artist actually gives out some advice on how to score with the HBs of the world.
Today, he’s got some amazing advice on how to pick up “red state prole chicks.” Well, “amazing” in the sense that videos of people popping infected cysts using rusty nails in their backyard are “amazing” — that is, gross and wrong but you can’t look away.
Anyway, brace yourself, because the master is about to unload a tip worth its weight in pus:
Here’s the trick, should you find yourself deep in bucolic red territory: Deck yourself out in a piece of clothing or an accessory with insignia that clearly identifies some media, fashion, or arty conglomerate. …
Cute prole girls are salt of the earth, but they love the fantasy of the blue city alpha male with connections and a social calender bursting with fruit flavor. Dat “expert from afar” feel. Wearing something that signals you work for one of those dream companies, true or not, is a honey cock trap for inexperienced naifs.
Huh. I still have an umbrella with the Money magazine logo on it from when I used to work there. (In my defense, it was free.) I had no idea it could be used in HB acquisition.
BRB, booking a flight to Alabama.
WE HUNTED THE MAMMOTH FRIDAY CHALLENGE: Work the phrase “honey cock trap” into conversation.
@suffrajitsu
Well now I’m truly wishing i had dated that fellow. Someone who has won an award in chinese film might actually have been interesting to have a conversation with!
You know, as horrifying as this would be, I kind of want Heartiste to come in here some day and explain how exactly he comes up with all these dating tips. Is he or one of his followers going around in muddy jeans and a cowboy hat? Is he just watching old movies where the naive girl falls for the rugged manly man? Or is he just sitting in a room and writing down the first things that come to mind?
Does he take field notes?
March 26th
10:15am — Saw HB6 clinging to Alpha-looking dude, hope he’s just in a dry spell. Saw HB9 leading poor Beta chump, probably bleeding his wallet dry.
10:40am — Arrived at coffee shop, HB7 waitress, tried out some stare-game, followed by some negging. Results uncertain.
10:45am — Quick glance around, diverse crowd here. HB4-9. Talked loudly on phone to broadcast my importance, got some looks in return. A lesser man would have been put off by the looks of disgust, but the true Alpha can see the hunger beneath.
10:46am — Waitress spilled coffee on me. Original assessment of hotness must be revised; most likely an
HB3HB2 at best. Bitch.10:47am — Waitress estimates revised; must have succeeded with stare and neg combo. Jackpot.
10:52am — Called staff over to complain about coffee, said I’m not used to such low-quality beverages. Looks from the crowd, can feel the arousal from here. Heard someone say “what a douche,” obviously overwhelmed by my superiority.
11:05am — Survey of crowd pairs; Alphas: HB5s (god) to HB9s (expected), Betas: HB6s (good) to HB8s (better watch your girl before she runs off). Results continue to justify Alpha Fucks Beta Bucks paradigm, some Aphas just have bad taste.
11:15am — Waitress estimates revised, bitch told me to talk quieter on my phone. Must be a feminist.
11:21am — Decided to leave coffee shop, got tired of feminist harpies disrupting my game. No tip, big Alpha move sure to excite and frustrate.
I just joined, so…
Hi. Shut up, Woody.
Kirbywarp, that is a thing of beauty!
“Vibrants” sounds like one of the castes from Divergent.
@kirbywarp
Yes. Pretty sure that’s it.
And your phone IS the hunting knife. Get a selfie stick and adapt it into a knife handle. Disguise your phone as the blade. People are always impressed when they see someone talking to a knife.
Because danger is sexy to women, we also recommend going shirtless and wearing a vest made out of fish hooks.
Since we’re making unsubstantiated claims about things women find sexy because we want women to find them sexy, I’m also going to say that nothing turns a woman on like a man carrying around 36 pounds of cashew butter. It makes their downright .
Oops. That last sentence should have read it makes their [plural article of clothing] downright [adjective].
Yeah, no. I grew up in “red state prole” country. I’m imagining one of these fools wandering around my old hometown in West Virgina all decked out in corporate logos and getting increasingly frustrated as women ignore him, because that’s exactly what would happen.
From sunnysombrero’s link:
Heartiste seriously still talks about “gina tingles?” Like, for real? Telling that he thinks frightening a woman is some kind of seduction technique.
I…just, what? Some guy having chickens running around on his roof to “save the earth” and then killing one in front of me is not going to inspire lust. Getting the hell out of there and never looking back, yeah. Dead chickens are not an aphrodisiac.
This fucking guy, man.
It’s been said they pua is, at its core, sociopaths giving bad advice to and profiting off awkward men by giving them basically worthless advice.
He’s the exemplar.
It’s funny that he thinks big dogs are always scary. Just the other day I looked out the window and saw a great Dane. It was being walked by a slender woman, not a manly alpha bro. My only thought was “look at the cute puppy!”
“Deck yourself out in a piece of clothing or an accessory with insignia that clearly identifies some media, fashion, or arty conglomerate.”
Translation: “Wear a shirt so ugly that they yell at you to take it off.”
” Lots of sexually loose hipster girls live in these inexpensive areas, and they will melt for a shredder.”
Ah, I rather hate to break it to him but Shred (guitar playing in the style of say Yngwie Malmsteen) is dead – has been since the 90’s along the poofy 80’s hair. The hipster girls I know all tend to be serious about music and what they like is not some jagov showing off how fast he can play notes.
I’m convinced that somehow these dating tips are some government conspiracy to weed out the stupid genes. Or maybe aliens trying to slowly wipe out our species (and failing) so they can colonize our planet.
It’s the only thing that makes sense anymore. *fashions a tin foil hat*
@weirwoodtreehugger
Same here! I saw a massive pit bull being walked the other day, and my first thought was ‘Aw, sweet doggy, I wonder if I can go pet it’.
Regarding the big dog thing… This hardly needs to be said, but getting a dog is a big responsibility (mummy of four dogs here; three small ones and one big).
I saw a dating tip once (I think it was on Heartiste’s website) that was basically “Carry a giant straw with you at bars. Meet girls by sneaking up behind them and stealing a sip out of their drink with their giant straw. It’s a great conversational opener, and she’ll be impressed by your alphaness.”
These people have really given up on social convention, haven’t they? “Hi, how are you” isn’t good enough, they have to wear weird things and carry strange props and have bizarre hobbies. It’s like the opposite of Occam’s Razor.
Other alpha dating tips:
– Become President!
– Start a salmon farm!
– Learn sousaphone!
– Don spats and a monocle, then motor the Dusenberg up to Hyde Park to hiss at the Roosevelts!
– Succesfully defend Lindisfarne Castle against Vikings!
@Dvärghundspossen, sorry for golden-cock blocking you there! =D
baroncognito, I am going to guess the omitted words: It makes their SHOES downright DIRTY, right?
The thing is, that straw thing could very well work as a conversation opener in a bar where everyone is a bit drunk and will giggle at the silliest things. Some PUA tricks are basically just about standing out from the crowd by looks and/or behaviour, and sure, I’m ready to believe that this increases your chances to pick someone up at the bar compared to if you blend in with the crowd. But if tricks like that straw thing works to get a conversation started, to get someone semi-drunk to laugh at you and be in a good mood, it’s because it’s attention-grabbing in a silly kind of way, not because it’s “alpha”.
Tis true! Me brother played tuba in high school — no luck. Last year, the program got a grant and bought two bright brass sousaphones, and suddenly he was rolling in it.
DISCLAIMER: Pronouns in the immediately preceding paragraph may or may not refer to what you think they refer to.
Does “honey cock trap” make anyone else picture a chinese finger trap,
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/61Pg4JlfBWL._SY355_.jpg
but for peens, somehow involving honey, maybe it’s edible or something.
Pretend I put a question mark at the end of that last post!
Once again, magical thinking. Engage in these counterintuitive behaviors, and reality will warp and bend around you! If it doesn’t work, keep doing it!
If Crowley had known about this, he wouldn’t have died broke.
I pretend you put a question mark at the end of every post.
Sorry Friday Jones, it was actually “makes their shoulder pads downright spiky”
Well, that’s not wholly wrong, but it’s a lot more complicated than that…
Actually, it can happen to humans too. Which might be part of the source of this idea.
NSFW, from Ursula Vernon: The Single Most Horrifying Text I Have Ever Received In My Entire Life