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Heartiste, of the Chateau Heartiste, isn’t just an unending source of ludicrously overcooked, try-hard bromides against fatties, liberals and “vibrants,” his favored term of art for people whose skin isn’t white. No, once in a while the alleged pickup artist actually gives out some advice on how to score with the HBs of the world.
Today, he’s got some amazing advice on how to pick up “red state prole chicks.” Well, “amazing” in the sense that videos of people popping infected cysts using rusty nails in their backyard are “amazing” — that is, gross and wrong but you can’t look away.
Anyway, brace yourself, because the master is about to unload a tip worth its weight in pus:
Here’s the trick, should you find yourself deep in bucolic red territory: Deck yourself out in a piece of clothing or an accessory with insignia that clearly identifies some media, fashion, or arty conglomerate. …
Cute prole girls are salt of the earth, but they love the fantasy of the blue city alpha male with connections and a social calender bursting with fruit flavor. Dat “expert from afar” feel. Wearing something that signals you work for one of those dream companies, true or not, is a honey cock trap for inexperienced naifs.
Huh. I still have an umbrella with the Money magazine logo on it from when I used to work there. (In my defense, it was free.) I had no idea it could be used in HB acquisition.
BRB, booking a flight to Alabama.
WE HUNTED THE MAMMOTH FRIDAY CHALLENGE: Work the phrase “honey cock trap” into conversation.
So basically, always dress like the opposite of what cartoons tell you is the prevailing regional fashion:
o When venturing into hill country to impress the hicks with your sophistication, dress like Mr. Peanut.
o When going to the Big City to impress the Chardonnay sippers with your earthy cave-knowledge, dress like a slaughterhouse worker.
The chicks will just THROW themselves at you!
“Ah do declah, Mistuh Hahteeste,” they’ll drawl (because that’s how they all talk down there), “Ah have NEVAH seen such a big Hewlett-Packard logo befoah. And shoes! Y’all mus’ be a real live gen’leman, sho’ nuff. What’s it like havin’ ee-lek-tricity?”
@Viscaria
Well, he’ll get tons of chicks if he’s keeping hens on his roof. Just not the sort he’s hoping for.
@ Viscaria – I don’t think these idiots have any concept of the money and effort involved in raising and nurturing anything.
Not to mention that raising farm animals on the roof of an urban apartment building is illegal. Most cities have zoning laws explicitly forbidding it.
Also, wringing a chicken’s neck in front of a girl just to impress her is a major red flag. Cruelty to animals is an automatic HELL NO for me. Add the implicit message of “Here’s what I can do, and I can do it to you too”, and I’d be sprinting down the fire escape.
The more of this guy’s drivel I read, the more I wonder if he’s ever interacted with any women ever. Because most of his tips sound like he pulled them out of his ass. Seriously, a logo tshirt will convince someone you work for that company?
Minor quibble compared to the stupidity of the whole post, but what makes him think that red state women are more inexperienced? The states with the highest teen pregnancy rates are the conservative bible belt states.
Also, as a native of a progressive city, big no to the advice for PUA in urban areas. I can’t imagine any of the women I’ve ever known around here getting turned on by a guy snapping chicken necks on his roof or carrying around a hunting knife. Most of the men I know are also perfectly capable of doing basic household maintenance. It’s not quite the novelty Heartiste thinks it is.
Other quick pick-up ideas:
– Go to medical school, perform well, and become a doctor
– Buy a helicopter
– Become famous for your line of vegan cookbooks. Not interested in veganism? Who cares!
I was trying to catch that darn rooster yesterday morning, but I finally got smart and I set a trap and baited it with some honeycomb. When I returned, I found that my honey cock trap had worked, and I finally relocated the rooster to a nice farm upstate where it can run and play and— OK I ate the rooster.
I didn’t realize I was such a loser with my ways of meeting people and forming relationships.
(1) Have real interests and hobbies that give your life meaning and get you interacting with people who share them. Even if you don’t form a love relationship with someone who shares these, you will get enjoyment out of life.
(2) Talk to people and find out about their interests, and actually be interested in what they say not just fake interested for the purpose of getting them into bed. Even if you don’t go to bed with your conversation partner, you’ll have learned something about the world (potentially) and heard a new, different point of view.
(3) Be yourself and engage people as they are.
Gosh I feel so stupid!
You choked the chicken first, didn’t you? You choked the chicken in front of a chick.
Indicate your ALPHA status by basing your entire identity around what some guy you read on the internet said you should do to appeal to women.
Walk into the club like what up I got a big rooster
I’m so pumped about some shit from the clod farm
Dirt on the knees, it’s so damn muddy
That people like, “Damn! That’s a filthy-ass cracker!”
Rollin’ in, neck all red, headin’ to the indoor porch thing
Dressed all in brown, ‘cept my stompin’ boots, those are black
Draped in a wife beater, girls runnin’ ‘way from me
Probably should have washed this, it smells like an unmucked stall
(Whiffffffff)
Yes, PUA’s, please do this. I’m a resident of one of these red neck prole areas, and I can tell you that my fellow women all melt at the city of a sophisticated city boy in a fancy millionaire t-shirt. Shit, I’m married and I’m having a hard time containing myself at the thought. You see, syndicated TV is right – we’re all exactly like Ellie Mae Clampett and Daisy Duke. We even say “y’all come back now, y’hear” as you exit the boudoir. So come on down, have some black-eyed peas and a sweet tea and go claim your very own Southern belle. Only let me know ahead of time which country bar you’re going to hit, because I’d really like to be there to
watch the carnage unfoldcheer you on.Reading this person’s advice I can’t quite figure out if he thinks women are stupid and easily fooled by his gibberish or if he things the people reading his advice are stupid and easily fooled by his gibberish.
Needless to say, despite living in urbanest of urban areas (NYC) I have no plans to go out and buy a hunting knife.
@Falconer
Pretty much. I’d imagine that following the advice would turn out like this:
– Cranking up a guitar amp and ‘shredding’ even though it requires years of musical practice would just sound like some wannabe rock star dickhead irritating the other customers and management. Cue getting kicked out.
– Walking round an expensive boutique in muddy jeans? Cue DEFINITELY getting kicked out.
– Harassing women who say they’re not interested/don’t swing for that team while tending to your deliberately phallic selection of vegetables will mean they just avoid working on their plot at the same time you work on yours.
– A big dog might work if she likes dogs but an aggressive one will mean she NEVER comes back to your place.
– A hunting knife will made you look like a suspicious weirdo – there is NO reason for anyone to have it in the city.
– You won’t get much of a reputation if all you do is fix light bulbs and bleed radiators, things that everyone can do.
– Spouting right wing MRA nonsense will not bode well and you may find yourself having trouble making friends…
And, as has been mentioned, raising livestock on your roof will also get you kicked out.
Good god Roissy is clueless.
*snaps fingers while swaying to and fro in chair*
I really ought to set up a website for PUAs. They get such bad advice from the existing sites!
If you’re making a conscious decision to wear a wifebeater in order to look masculine, then you’re not being sincere. You’re not even being ironic. Sincerely masculine men just wear whatever feels natural to them, which might happen to be a wifebeater or a torn T-shirt if the weather and setting are appropriate.
Sincerity is also important when you’re setting up a rooftop chicken coop or community garden plot. People can always tell when a garden plot is insincere.
http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/peanuts/images/0/01/Pe611030.gif/revision/latest?cb=20130830000245
Since our neighbours actually have a bunch of hens and a big rooster who occasionally escapes and runs around all over the place I was gonna write something about trapping him with honey but Friday Jones bet me to it!
When Mr. (at the time, Sergeant) FM came back from his second deployment, we rented half of a cruddy duplex run by a shady management company (we didn’t realize until we’d already moved in that the managers seemed to have segregated the tenants by race – white people up front, brown and black people to the rear of the development. By then they had our deposit and first and last month’s rent, so we were screwed). Anyway, our neighbors were all really young soldiers and their SO’s, and we had a shared living room wall with some pleasant single dudes who were also budding rock stars. They were usually really considerate about keeping the noise down, but one Saturday the booze got flowing and they started wailing on those guitars. Mr. FM and I didn’t want to go out in the cold to ask them to turn it down, so we instead started knocking on the shared wall and shouting requests. They didn’t play “Freebird,” “Even Flow,” or “Rock of Ages,” but they did finally turn off the amps when we asked for “Stairway to Heaven.”
Doesn’t “proletariat” refer specifically to the working class? It’s not an antithesis to “urban”, and the way he’s using the word doesn’t really seem to work as an antithesis to “bourgeois” either. It’s funny how Dark Enlightenment types never seem to be all that successful despite their hard-ons for feudal caste systems and/or Randian capitalism.
For what it’s worth, the Golden Rooster is the award for the Chinese film industry.
http://www.bjreview.com.cn/movies/images/attachement/jpg/site23/20130929/00219b46f03213b1fe1d05.jpg
PUAs fetishize Asian women as the truest, most submissive, most willing to put up with PUA bullshit of all, but turns out we’re the WINNERS for riding the golden cocks!
@Professor fate:
“Reading this person’s advice I can’t quite figure out if he thinks women are stupid and easily fooled by his gibberish or if he things the people reading his advice are stupid and easily fooled by his gibberish.”
That’s it right there, in a nutshell. That’s the dilemma that keeps me reading for a clue to the truth.
There is no clue, is there?
And the answer is: he thinks women are stupid, but he knows his readers are stupid.
The best advice is to dress as the mascot of a big city sports team. Never fails.
“I’m sorry, I can’t come to your barbeque. Friday is Lemon-Kiwi, and Saturday is Wildberry Burst.”