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Heartiste: Pick up prole chicks using ingenious "logo" ploy!

Hey, prole chicks!
Hey, prole chicks!

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Heartiste, of the Chateau Heartiste, isn’t just an unending source of ludicrously overcooked, try-hard bromides against fatties, liberals and “vibrants,” his favored term of art for people whose skin isn’t white. No, once in a while the alleged pickup artist actually gives out some advice on how to score with the HBs of the world.

Today, he’s got some amazing advice on how to pick up “red state prole chicks.” Well, “amazing” in the sense that videos of people popping infected cysts using rusty nails in their backyard are “amazing” — that is, gross and wrong but you can’t look away.

Anyway, brace yourself, because the master is about to unload a tip worth its weight in pus:

Here’s the trick, should you find yourself deep in bucolic red territory: Deck yourself out in a piece of clothing or an accessory with insignia that clearly identifies some media, fashion, or arty conglomerate.  …

Cute prole girls are salt of the earth, but they love the fantasy of the blue city alpha male with connections and a social calender bursting with fruit flavor. Dat “expert from afar” feel. Wearing something that signals you work for one of those dream companies, true or not, is a honey cock trap for inexperienced naifs.

Huh. I still have an umbrella with the Money magazine logo on it from when I used to work there. (In my defense, it was free.) I had no idea it could be used in HB acquisition.

BRB, booking a flight to Alabama.

WE HUNTED THE MAMMOTH FRIDAY CHALLENGE: Work the phrase “honey cock trap” into conversation.

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RaikonL
RaikonL
6 years ago

Challenge accepted.

Sarah
Sarah
6 years ago

Wearing something that signals you work for one of those dream companies, true or not, is a honey cock trap for inexperienced naifs.

I love that the blog on which he writes drivel like this is subtitled “where pretty lies perish.”

ScarlettAthena
6 years ago

“Calendar bursting with fruit flavor”???!!! What does that mean?

So all men have accessories from places they work and they wear/carry them everywhere?

Even in red states, you can purchase clothing and accessories with company name and logos on them, so I don’t get how this works.

sn0rkmaiden
6 years ago

‘inexperienced naifs’ isn’t that a tautology?

I’ve a better piece of advice, why not steal a bathrobe from a really expensive hotel and wear it about town like a dandyish overcoat just to show the girlies what a sophisticated high roller you are?

Machine Gun Sally
Machine Gun Sally
6 years ago

I don’t know about any “honey cock trap” but I once had a guy on an online dating site try to lure me in with a supposed “golden cock”. I wonder if this is a step up from Heartiste’s efforts?

Spindrift
Spindrift
6 years ago

@Machine Gun Sally
I thought the “golden cock” was the award that goes to the woman who rides the cock carousel for the longest time. Something like this.
comment image

sunnysombrera
6 years ago

@Scarlett
Exactly. Anyone who tries this advice is unlikely to stand out from the crowd down south.

On the other hand, has anyone seen his article on how to look more manly if you live in the city ? He practically advises dressing up as Crocodile Dundee.

– Rent a warehouse space in an “edgy” part of town and crank up your guitar amp. Lots of sexually loose hipster girls live in these inexpensive areas, and they will melt for a shredder.

– Get a dog. A big dog. You know how fear and gina tingles complement each other so well.

– You don’t have a phone, you have a hunting knife. Strap it to your belt. (Consult local ordinances first.)

– Store a few photos on your phone of you knee-deep in deer guts and camo gear. (Ok, you still have a phone.)

– You want curious stares from smartly coiffed robowomen? Take a day to stroll around the gentrified boutiques in heavy work boots and dirty jeans caked with earth.

– Wifebeaters are your best bud. Don’t wear them ironically. Masculine men aren’t ironic, they’re sincere.

– Communal (communist) gardens are all the rage in SWPLvilles. I think this fad is driven partly by soft liberal men who feel a twinge of shame for their rootless (heh) effeminacy, and getting their hands into soil helps them feel less like a eunuch. But, communal gardens are also lesbian havens, and plots are tiny. If you have a square foot of private land, grow something cool for yourself, like giant squash.

– It’s the ne plus ultra of granola liberalism, but using your apartment building’s roof to raise small farm animals is panty-wetting if you aren’t doing it to “save the earth”. You just like raising your own meat and eggs. Crack the chicken’s neck in front of a girl, for an additional two hours of mind-blowing orgasms later.

– Become a handyman. You don’t need to know much; a little knowledge in the parched wasteland of useless SWPLs crying like babies when a light bulb goes out will reap amazing side benefits. As your reputation circles the condo halls, watch in amazement when cute neighbor girls are constantly stopping by for a helping hand.

– Don’t parrot urban leftoid boilerplate that masks itself as polite conversation. You may as well punch yourself in the dick until it collapses into a vagina.

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2015/03/10/how-the-urban-man-can-be-more-masculine/

freemage
6 years ago

First off, I work for one of the larger media companies on the planet. I’ve got… one thing I can think of with the company logo on it that I could theoretically flash in this way. Somehow, I don’t think my portable device battery is going to be that big of a draw, though.

Second:

… and “vibrants,” his favored term of art for people whose skin isn’t white.

These guys can’t hit their own goals hard enough, can they? If non-Caucasians are ‘vibrants’, then that would make Caucasians… well, let’s look at that thesaurus, shall we?

apathetic
dispirited
dull
idle
inactive

lazy
lethargic
lifeless
sluggish
weak

I’m used to manospherians slandering their fellow men by suggesting we’re all slathering sex-urges, virtually life-support systems for a penis with no higher brain functions. But this is the first time I’ve seen one of them also be equally dismissive of his own race, as well. The poorly concealed self-loathing is strong in this one.

Falconer
6 years ago

insignia that clearly identifies some media

At last, a use for my t-shirt that just says EGG TEMPERA !!

Machine Gun Sally
Machine Gun Sally
6 years ago

@spindrift
I would display that proudly in my home.

Falconer
6 years ago

– Don’t parrot urban leftoid boilerplate that masks itself as polite conversation. You may as well punch yourself in the dick until it collapses into a vagina.

Says it all, really.

pzmyers
pzmyers
6 years ago

Living as I do in red state prole country, I would just like to point out that people here don’t see someone with a John Deere gimme cap and assume that they must be a John Deere executive; likewise, if they’re wearing the Dolce & Gabbana logo, no one will assume they are Italian fashion experts. That advice assumes the “red state prole chick” is a refugee from the “Dumb and Dumber” movies, and is bigoted and stupid.

brooked
brooked
6 years ago

Someone wearing a tee-shirt with a corporate logo signals that they’re a fan of that corporation, scored a free tee-shirt at some point or work in retail.

Fave Heartarse Comment:

Indeed, when out in the boonies, being the well-dressed, charming, afluent, and friendly sophisticate from the Big City gets you noticed and appraised as higher social value. Don’t put on airs but do maintain a slight reserve.

Indeed!

Thalia
Thalia
6 years ago

I’m amazed he didn’t just tell all men, everywhere, to dress in head-to-toe Ed Hardy, roll in a pile of dirt, and then splash themselves with monkey blood. The urban sophistication will blow red-state girls off their feet, while the douchey tattoo theme will have those hipster girls enthralled — and the blood? What girl doesn’t find a man drenched in deer/chicken/monkey/human blood and guts more alluring? That’s why Cary Grant always had a few feet of intestines wrapped around his neck like an aviator scarf, because it makes the chicks swoon.

For a final touch, get a body piercing and dangle a socket wrench from it to display your Mr.-fix-it prowess AND your pain tolerance!

Machine Gun Sally
Machine Gun Sally
6 years ago

I am once again left wondering why these guys try to sleep with women they clearly think so little of.

brooked
brooked
6 years ago

Second fave Heartarse Comment:

Contrast = Alpha. This is a form of peacocking, of standing out from the bubba’s and the the farm boys in flannel and denim. Women seek out contrast as a sign of alpha, a sign of something different and likely better for better mating outcomes.

“Golly, is that linen or a cotton blend? Either way, it surely signals better mating outcomes. Shazam!”

Falconer
6 years ago

Indeed, when out in the boonies, being the well-dressed, charming, afluent, and friendly sophisticate from the Big City gets you noticed and appraised as higher social value. Don’t put on airs but do maintain a slight reserve.

Sure, go on out to Fox News Land, demonstrate that you’re a Coastal Elite, and then act snooty. Seventy percent of the time, it works every time!

That’s why Cary Grant always had a few feet of intestines wrapped around his neck like an aviator scarf, because it makes the chicks swoon.

No, I’m not shopping that in.

apeculiarpersonage
apeculiarpersonage
6 years ago

The ‘punch yourself in the dick until it collapses’ bit reminded me of a snippet of useless knowledge I picked up: In the Elizabethan era it was common medical belief that penises and vaginas were basically the same organ, just vaginas were sort of an inverted penis. Therefore if a woman got jolted around too much her vagina might ‘fall out’ and turn into a penis, and vice versa. There were apparently lots of stories about women who fell off horses and turned into men.
Now that I think about it, this might explain a lot about these PUAs; they actually come from five hundred years ago.

Thalia
Thalia
6 years ago

@apeculiar — You just made my day! I’m going to jump up and down now and see if my vagina falls out. If only Freud had known about this easy cure for penis envy!

Isn’t it true that cows’ uteri can fall out (prolapse)? Maybe that’s where they got the idea. In All Creatures Great and Small, it seems like Herriott spends half his time trying to stick one cow or another’s uterus back in …

Scildfreja
Scildfreja
6 years ago

I usually try to avoid anything trolls like Heartiste says, but, holy noodle, that’s amazing. Every little bit of advice he gives is goddamn hilarious.

Heartiste is the Cosmopolitan “Eight Crazy Sex Tips” guy for PUAs. “Drive them wild with this crazy technique!” Hilarious.

Oh, wait, he’s serious? Holy shit.

Vanir (@Vanir85)
6 years ago

That advice assumes the “red state prole chick” is a refugee from the “Dumb and Dumber” movies, and is bigoted and stupid.

– pzmyers

Well, there is a tendency from PuA to see women in the “abstract” sense, and not as real people. I guess this might extend to others “outside” of the PuA zone of equals. “Red State Prole People” is likely an *idea* – not people he empathizes with as, well, *people*.

Falconer
6 years ago

Therefore if a woman got jolted around too much her vagina might ‘fall out’ and turn into a penis, and vice versa.

Does a hard kick work? (NSFW)

rick
rick
6 years ago

I don’t understand the connection between the “proletariat” and the “bucolic” areas of red states. I’m assuming he means low income women from rural areas, but the use of the word “proletariat” is really poorly applied, almost bordering on catachresis.

seraph4377
6 years ago

Isn’t there a whole subgenre of Country music about how women like salt-of-the-Earth Manly Man country men better than they like us effete urban types?

Viscaria
Viscaria
6 years ago

Raising livestock on your roof. What an easy, cost effective way to make yourself more attractive to women.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

So basically, always dress like the opposite of what cartoons tell you is the prevailing regional fashion:

o When venturing into hill country to impress the hicks with your sophistication, dress like Mr. Peanut.

o When going to the Big City to impress the Chardonnay sippers with your earthy cave-knowledge, dress like a slaughterhouse worker.

The chicks will just THROW themselves at you!

“Ah do declah, Mistuh Hahteeste,” they’ll drawl (because that’s how they all talk down there), “Ah have NEVAH seen such a big Hewlett-Packard logo befoah. And shoes! Y’all mus’ be a real live gen’leman, sho’ nuff. What’s it like havin’ ee-lek-tricity?”

Spindrift
Spindrift
6 years ago

@Viscaria
Well, he’ll get tons of chicks if he’s keeping hens on his roof. Just not the sort he’s hoping for.

seraph4377
6 years ago

@ Viscaria – I don’t think these idiots have any concept of the money and effort involved in raising and nurturing anything.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

Not to mention that raising farm animals on the roof of an urban apartment building is illegal. Most cities have zoning laws explicitly forbidding it.

Also, wringing a chicken’s neck in front of a girl just to impress her is a major red flag. Cruelty to animals is an automatic HELL NO for me. Add the implicit message of “Here’s what I can do, and I can do it to you too”, and I’d be sprinting down the fire escape.

KathleenB
KathleenB
6 years ago

The more of this guy’s drivel I read, the more I wonder if he’s ever interacted with any women ever. Because most of his tips sound like he pulled them out of his ass. Seriously, a logo tshirt will convince someone you work for that company?

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

Minor quibble compared to the stupidity of the whole post, but what makes him think that red state women are more inexperienced? The states with the highest teen pregnancy rates are the conservative bible belt states.

Also, as a native of a progressive city, big no to the advice for PUA in urban areas. I can’t imagine any of the women I’ve ever known around here getting turned on by a guy snapping chicken necks on his roof or carrying around a hunting knife. Most of the men I know are also perfectly capable of doing basic household maintenance. It’s not quite the novelty Heartiste thinks it is.

Viscaria
Viscaria
6 years ago

Other quick pick-up ideas:

– Go to medical school, perform well, and become a doctor

– Buy a helicopter

– Become famous for your line of vegan cookbooks. Not interested in veganism? Who cares!

friday jones
friday jones
6 years ago

I was trying to catch that darn rooster yesterday morning, but I finally got smart and I set a trap and baited it with some honeycomb. When I returned, I found that my honey cock trap had worked, and I finally relocated the rooster to a nice farm upstate where it can run and play and— OK I ate the rooster.

ScarlettAthena
6 years ago

I didn’t realize I was such a loser with my ways of meeting people and forming relationships.

(1) Have real interests and hobbies that give your life meaning and get you interacting with people who share them. Even if you don’t form a love relationship with someone who shares these, you will get enjoyment out of life.

(2) Talk to people and find out about their interests, and actually be interested in what they say not just fake interested for the purpose of getting them into bed. Even if you don’t go to bed with your conversation partner, you’ll have learned something about the world (potentially) and heard a new, different point of view.

(3) Be yourself and engage people as they are.

Gosh I feel so stupid!

Thalia
Thalia
6 years ago

You choked the chicken first, didn’t you? You choked the chicken in front of a chick.

zoon echon logon
zoon echon logon
6 years ago

Indicate your ALPHA status by basing your entire identity around what some guy you read on the internet said you should do to appeal to women.

Falconer
6 years ago

Walk into the club like what up I got a big rooster
I’m so pumped about some shit from the clod farm
Dirt on the knees, it’s so damn muddy
That people like, “Damn! That’s a filthy-ass cracker!”
Rollin’ in, neck all red, headin’ to the indoor porch thing
Dressed all in brown, ‘cept my stompin’ boots, those are black
Draped in a wife beater, girls runnin’ ‘way from me
Probably should have washed this, it smells like an unmucked stall
(Whiffffffff)

Flying Mouse
Flying Mouse
6 years ago

Cute prole girls are salt of the earth, but they love the fantasy of the blue city alpha male with connections and a social calender bursting with fruit flavor. Dat “expert from afar” feel. Wearing something that signals you work for one of those dream companies, true or not, is a honey cock trap for inexperienced naifs.

Yes, PUA’s, please do this. I’m a resident of one of these red neck prole areas, and I can tell you that my fellow women all melt at the city of a sophisticated city boy in a fancy millionaire t-shirt. Shit, I’m married and I’m having a hard time containing myself at the thought. You see, syndicated TV is right – we’re all exactly like Ellie Mae Clampett and Daisy Duke. We even say “y’all come back now, y’hear” as you exit the boudoir. So come on down, have some black-eyed peas and a sweet tea and go claim your very own Southern belle. Only let me know ahead of time which country bar you’re going to hit, because I’d really like to be there to watch the carnage unfold cheer you on.

Professor fate
Professor fate
6 years ago

Reading this person’s advice I can’t quite figure out if he thinks women are stupid and easily fooled by his gibberish or if he things the people reading his advice are stupid and easily fooled by his gibberish.
Needless to say, despite living in urbanest of urban areas (NYC) I have no plans to go out and buy a hunting knife.

sunnysombrera
6 years ago

@Falconer
Pretty much. I’d imagine that following the advice would turn out like this:

– Cranking up a guitar amp and ‘shredding’ even though it requires years of musical practice would just sound like some wannabe rock star dickhead irritating the other customers and management. Cue getting kicked out.
– Walking round an expensive boutique in muddy jeans? Cue DEFINITELY getting kicked out.
– Harassing women who say they’re not interested/don’t swing for that team while tending to your deliberately phallic selection of vegetables will mean they just avoid working on their plot at the same time you work on yours.
– A big dog might work if she likes dogs but an aggressive one will mean she NEVER comes back to your place.
– A hunting knife will made you look like a suspicious weirdo – there is NO reason for anyone to have it in the city.
– You won’t get much of a reputation if all you do is fix light bulbs and bleed radiators, things that everyone can do.
– Spouting right wing MRA nonsense will not bode well and you may find yourself having trouble making friends…

sunnysombrera
6 years ago

And, as has been mentioned, raising livestock on your roof will also get you kicked out.

Good god Roissy is clueless.

Hambeast, Social Justice Hoo-Ha Glitterer
Hambeast, Social Justice Hoo-Ha Glitterer
6 years ago

Walk into the club like what up I got a big rooster
I’m so pumped about some shit from the clod farm
Dirt on the knees, it’s so damn muddy
That people like, “Damn! That’s a filthy-ass cracker!”
Rollin’ in, neck all red, headin’ to the indoor porch thing
Dressed all in brown, ‘cept my stompin’ boots, those are black
Draped in a wife beater, girls runnin’ ‘way from me
Probably should have washed this, it smells like an unmucked stall
(Whiffffffff)

*snaps fingers while swaying to and fro in chair*

Chaos-Engineer
Chaos-Engineer
6 years ago

Wifebeaters are your best bud. Don’t wear them ironically. Masculine men aren’t ironic, they’re sincere.

I really ought to set up a website for PUAs. They get such bad advice from the existing sites!

If you’re making a conscious decision to wear a wifebeater in order to look masculine, then you’re not being sincere. You’re not even being ironic. Sincerely masculine men just wear whatever feels natural to them, which might happen to be a wifebeater or a torn T-shirt if the weather and setting are appropriate.

Sincerity is also important when you’re setting up a rooftop chicken coop or community garden plot. People can always tell when a garden plot is insincere.

http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/peanuts/images/0/01/Pe611030.gif/revision/latest?cb=20130830000245

Dvärghundspossen
6 years ago

Since our neighbours actually have a bunch of hens and a big rooster who occasionally escapes and runs around all over the place I was gonna write something about trapping him with honey but Friday Jones bet me to it!

Flying Mouse
Flying Mouse
6 years ago

Cranking up a guitar amp and ‘shredding’ even though it requires years of musical practice would just sound like some wannabe rock star dickhead irritating the other customers and management. Cue getting kicked out.

When Mr. (at the time, Sergeant) FM came back from his second deployment, we rented half of a cruddy duplex run by a shady management company (we didn’t realize until we’d already moved in that the managers seemed to have segregated the tenants by race – white people up front, brown and black people to the rear of the development. By then they had our deposit and first and last month’s rent, so we were screwed). Anyway, our neighbors were all really young soldiers and their SO’s, and we had a shared living room wall with some pleasant single dudes who were also budding rock stars. They were usually really considerate about keeping the noise down, but one Saturday the booze got flowing and they started wailing on those guitars. Mr. FM and I didn’t want to go out in the cold to ask them to turn it down, so we instead started knocking on the shared wall and shouting requests. They didn’t play “Freebird,” “Even Flow,” or “Rock of Ages,” but they did finally turn off the amps when we asked for “Stairway to Heaven.”

suffrajitsu
suffrajitsu
6 years ago

Doesn’t “proletariat” refer specifically to the working class? It’s not an antithesis to “urban”, and the way he’s using the word doesn’t really seem to work as an antithesis to “bourgeois” either. It’s funny how Dark Enlightenment types never seem to be all that successful despite their hard-ons for feudal caste systems and/or Randian capitalism.

For what it’s worth, the Golden Rooster is the award for the Chinese film industry.

http://www.bjreview.com.cn/movies/images/attachement/jpg/site23/20130929/00219b46f03213b1fe1d05.jpg

PUAs fetishize Asian women as the truest, most submissive, most willing to put up with PUA bullshit of all, but turns out we’re the WINNERS for riding the golden cocks!

Sambarge
Sambarge
6 years ago

@Professor fate:

“Reading this person’s advice I can’t quite figure out if he thinks women are stupid and easily fooled by his gibberish or if he things the people reading his advice are stupid and easily fooled by his gibberish.”

That’s it right there, in a nutshell. That’s the dilemma that keeps me reading for a clue to the truth.

There is no clue, is there?

GrumpyOldMangina
6 years ago

And the answer is: he thinks women are stupid, but he knows his readers are stupid.

dhag85
6 years ago

The best advice is to dress as the mascot of a big city sports team. Never fails.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

and a social calender bursting with fruit flavor

“I’m sorry, I can’t come to your barbeque. Friday is Lemon-Kiwi, and Saturday is Wildberry Burst.”

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